Is he my best friend or not?

LegacyUser

I've thought so long about whether or not to post this.

I'm 32 and had my fair share of relationships. Some good, some bad, some ugly. But there's been one constant through it, my best friend since I was 18 and we met in college. There was never anything between us, in fact I went to his wedding with my then boyfriend and had a great time. Anyway his marriage ended two years ago but for a long time before that we'd been doing lots together, sometimes with his wife sometimes without. I didn't realise things were as bad with him and his wife until he broke down and wept in my arms for an entire night, so much so I had to call her and say he wouldn't be driving back to meet her that night. He then confessed that he really liked me #that# way. I didn't want to ruin a great friendship - bear in mind this is the guy that held my hair back when I was sick, listened to every sob story I had and generally was the closest person I had to me. So I sent him off to stay with my sister.

Fast forward two years and he's met someone else. I like her. But now for some mad reason I'm consumed with jealousy at not being the first person he calls every day. So when he made another move a few weeks ago, I slept with him. It was great. Not awkward at all the next morning.

Yet he says he is in love with this other person. But how can he be if he keeps making a move on me and regularly tells me how much he loves me? This is now happening every week, whenever I see him. It really hurts me if I have got this guy wrong for 14 years and he turns out to be like everyone else. My sister says I just have to accept that guys are different. His facebook has me as his best friend and her as his girlfriend. My sister also says I should tell her but I couldn't hurt someone like that.

What should I do? Trying to distance myself, but not easy when he makes the effort to come to see me in the snow on Christmas Eve when no-one else does. I've had a pretty bad year work wise and he just held me and promised me it would be ok. But what bits can I believe any more and what bits can I not? He never mentions this other girl to me but occasionally will just go off air so he must be with her. I'm terrified of losing his friendship. But more terrified of being wrong about someone that I trusted absolutely.

As I'm typing this he's asleep in my sister's house, where I am. She's sick of giving me advice and reckons he's just a cheat. Emotionally and physically.

AJG

Listen to your sister, I'd tend to agree.

LegacyUser

Well do you find him attractive? Do you think he could be your boyfriend?
He's obviously in love with you.

If you are attracted then give it a chance.

I think I've seen this ****e before.

He has always loved you but knew you'd always only see him as "a friend" . So he never bothered before until his marriage broke up.
His marriage probably broke up because his feelings were never invested in it, he really wanted you.

Now he's with someone else and thats driving you nuts. So you had sex with him. You clearly do find him attractive.

Alas that begs the question. Why does he still love this other woman?

My theory is he knows it makes you jealous and knows that drives you mad and makes you want him more.
Classic "get out of the friend zone" move.

Now your feelings are probably genuine for him. His feelings are obviously genuine for you.

I think you should call him out on it.
You should take a chance on him now. Ask him if he wants to be in a relationship with you.
If he says yes then just go for it. If he says No he still loves this other girl and wants to be with her then I'm sorry OP but your friendship will have to end there. Its too torturous for both of you.


Soooooo look at it this way. You either lose him as a friend or gain him as a lover. There can be no silly in between bull**** at this point.

Dont tell the other girl thats his responsibility, dont do his dirty work for him.

But be aware, he has cheated. On his current girlfriend, with you. Maybe theres a pattern.

But I still say forgive him and try and go for it.

Beetlebum

You say you don't want to tell his girlfriend you slept with him cause you 'don't wanna hurt her'???

Are you for real??? You don't wanna tell her cause she'll probably rip your head off for sleeping with her bf!!

You sound like an awful person. You are so self absorbed it's sickening.

curlzy

Sounds like his marriage broke down coz he was so emotionally invested in you, now he's "in love" with another girl but still emotionally invested in you. Seems to me he can't be completely faithful to one woman at a time, bit of a player emotionally. So I really would just cut contact as much as possible and leave him to it. Just distant yourself, he sounds like his head is up is ass and who needs a BF like that? Better of steering well clear I think.

overmantle

You need to give him an ultimatum. He can'y have it every way. If you want him as a boyfriend, then he needs an ultimatum. He can't have it every way.