How do I avoid "emotionally waiting" for someone else?

DaMooseDog

Hi,

I'm have been in a rather tricky love situation for the best part of two years now which has evolved into something rather unusual and complicated - just wondering if anyone has experienced the same, and/or has any advice they could give.

Without getting too detailed on the background - about 2 years ago I met this girl (not Irish but from an English-speaking country), who was, and probably still is, in a 6+ year relationship with someone else, albeit a relationship which has been rather dysfunctional for a long time. Our "relationship" (for lack of a better term) started out with me seeking harmless fun and her seeking distraction, in the end, we both burned each other in that I ended up falling in love, and she now has very strong feelings for me, while still being very emotionally invested in that other person - so a classic love triangle situation. I'll add that at all times we've tried to keep things considerate and ethical, but we have slept together and had sex with each other - again I should qualify this but hopefully you can take my word on it for now. I believe that Wibb's post (msg 12 at the link below) applies strongly to the situation we're in.
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056011502&page=1

Aside from initial foolish mistake of allowing myself to be sucked into this mess in the first place, I believe I've done all the rational and logical things since then... we both agreed that we had to stop meeting and contacting each other, which we're doing right now...and that she needs to see her relationship through one way or the other, and that I need to move on and keep an open mind. I probably should give more background on this part, it's a very tricky dilemma at her end and I do admit that her jumping ship to me is more of a risk for her than resolving her existing situation, mainly due to logistic/geographic reasons...but at the same time I believe the attraction/connection between us is very strong, and for me, no other past relationship I've been in comes close to how I feel for her. I initially met her in Ireland, she has recently returned to her home country and I am presently on a round the world trip. The twist is that our paths will almost certainly cross again about a year from now, in her country, and while trying desperately to avoid it, I can't help but feel that I'm emotionally waiting for her and the possible outcome that she'll be single and ready at that stage - if she was, I'm the first to admit that I wouldn't be able to resist. While still enjoying myself, getting on the life, meeting other women, and having an amazing travel experience right now, I think of her far too much right now when I would prefer not to...I don't think it's healthy for many reasons, particularly because it's getting in the way of me being able to experience other things fully...for example building other relationships, particularly with other women (not that I'm desperate to have an exclusive relationship when travelling btw)

Is this situation I'm in right now unavoidable? Thoughts on this? Thanks in advance

LegacyUser

You're making things far more complicated than they need to be. You've wasted six years pining for a woman who hasn't given you a straight answer. When you're in a relationship with someone, that usually means that you're their top priority. You're not her top priority. Cut her loose and have a relationship with a woman who'll want to spend her time with you.

If you're using this woman as an excuse to not get into an adult relationship with someone who's actually available for fear of getting hurt, that's a whole other ball game and something you really need to work on if you don't want to spend the rest of your life alone.

LegacyUser

Sorry, it wasn't six years! The premise is still the same though. You've wasted two years on a woman who hasn't given you a straight answer.

It could be six though if you don't knock it on the head now!!

greenprincess

hum.... sounds very complicated!!

I think you should just enjoy your travels, because you probably wont get a chance to travel extensively again and you'll regret not fully enjoying it!

As for the girl, I dont know what her relationship with her boyfriend is like but if she really wanted to be with you she would break up with him regardless of where she lives.

Try not to think about her for a whole day, then another day, then a week, then a month and one day you'll be getting into bed and think oh didnt think about her today at all.

Wibbs

I could give the hows whys and wherefores, but it boils down to this pretty much; Who is she shagging on a regular basis?

LegacyUser

I could have written your post, but my situation hasnt been going on as longs as two years. But I do understand exacly how you feel and im sorry but there's nothing you can really do but get on with it.
The feelings will still be there and yes, you are emotionally waiting for her (I know I bloody am!) but be positive. Think to yourself that you will meet someone who can make you forget about her, who won't be as awkward and complicated.

Good luck with it!!

xx

DaMooseDog

Cheers folks, what you've all said makes complete sense rationally and in words....just gotta keep ploughing on with the mental/emotional side which I find more difficult unfortunately, time is a healer, enjoy the present and worry about the future when it happens, etc etc