Where to meet guys?

LegacyUser

I apologise that this has been probably done to death but I am serious about this.
I am 35 and looking for a partner. For years I wasn't looking, was doing my own thing, fulfilling myself, etc. In that time I met no-one. The saying that when you don't go looking, you'll find someone doesn't ring true for me! I am fairly attractive, independent, have loads of interests. I was happy being on my own.
This year I kind of got freaked because I'm not getting any younger and I do want a family.
I hadn't been in niteclubs for a while and I was out a couple of times before Christmas and that whole pick up scene just turns my stomach, TBH.
I've Joined classes and haven't met anyone. (I wasn't looking but if someone turned up that I liked, then I would be open.)
I've thought about Internet dating but that turns me off too.

Recently I've started seeing guys around that I like the look of and would like to get to know them. It all seems desperate though. For example I recently stayed with my brother for Christmas in the country. I often go for walks around his house. There was a guy staying down the road. He seemed to be home for Christmas with his family - parents, and a brother. I don't know this guy at all, but the way he was with his Mum looked so nice. Maybe if I bumped into him walking by his house or something?
Oh God that sounds so desperate! But I'm just a bit sad at being on my own, maybe cos of Christmas and my 2 brothers are starting families has me thinking I have to get a move on.
BTW it's not peer pressure, but I feel like I should. I dont want to spend another Christmas alone.

But my predicament is where can i meet guys that isn't niteclubs or Internet or classes. Is approaching strangers the way to go?

LegacyUser

Confused30something wrote: »

For years I wasn't looking, was doing my own thing, fulfilling myself, etc. In that time I met no-one. The saying that when you don't go looking, you'll find someone doesn't ring true for me! I am fairly attractive, independent, have loads of interests. I was happy being on my own.

If you were happy being on your own, why were you worried about a cliched phrase not ringing true for you?

There's no point in assigning imaginary personalities to a man you saw from a distance. He could be an abusive pr*ck for all you know! He could also be a nice decent man, but in reality assigning personalities to men you don't even know is a dangerous pastime. You have to be realistic, stop living in romantic movie land. What you need to do is talk to him, ask people around you who he is, ask can you be introduced to him etc. Then, and only then, will you find out what he is like and you'll do that by talking to him and getting to know him. Maybe it'll work out, maybe it won't but at least you will have talked to him instead of living in a fantasy land where he is Colin Firth and Hugh Grant all rolled into one.

I wouldn't go down the avenue of hanging around his home in the hope of 'bumping' into him. Be more direct, and as I've said before, ask your family if they know him or the family he's staying with. I think you'd then have a more realistic chance of meeting him properly without him thinking of you as 'the mad one who was hanging around outside'. Before you talk to him though, get rid of all any pre-conceptions you've built up about him and take the time to get to know him.

Emme

unregistered wrote: »

Before you talk to him though, get rid of all any pre-conceptions you've built up about him and take the time to get to know him.

The best way to meet people is through friends and family. Ask to be introduced to this guy but don't build up any expectations. Take it as it comes. In the meantime keep your options open. Don't rule out paid internet dating sites. They're not ideal, but an increasingly better option than the drunken nightclub/one night stand scene.

johnr1

It's a big problem OP, I'm in a similar situation, except Im a guy living in the countryside working in a male dominated industry and to top it off I don't drink !!!
Judging by the amount of ads on tv for dating sites, it's common.
I've no quick answers, have tried all the usual stuff, dating sites etc, I have plenty of group hobbies, and all I seem to meet are good looking attached women, some of whom Im damm sure I could start something with but that's not what I want.
I used to say that all the available women 28 to 36 were in cities and I still think that's partly true but I think as well that we are all shopping for perfection, that we have fallen for the TV dream romance we've been fed since age 5. I know I won't settle for anything less than my ideal.
It's headwrecking but Im not giving up.

LegacyUser

unregistered wrote: »

If you were happy being on your own, why were you worried about a cliched phrase not ringing true for you?

thanks for replying.
I was happy being on my own. I'm no longer happy being on my own. I want a companion and I want a family. My 2 brothers made me realise this. It kind of woke me up.

There's no point in assigning imaginary personalities to a man you saw from a distance.

I haven't. Just the way he was being with his Mum looked nice. I have no preconceptions about this guy at all. For all I know he may have a girlfriend. He may even live elsewhere, and was just home for the few days at Christmas.

I don't know how I could get introduced to this guy. My aunt mentioned that she knew of his Mum. I don't know if she is on speaking terms with her. I never told her I liked this guy.
my brother doesn't socialise with any of the neighbours out his way.

milli milli

johnr1 wrote:

I have plenty of group hobbies, and all I seem to meet are good looking attached women, some of whom Im damm sure I could start something with but that's not what I want.

I have the exact same problem. Any clubs/classes that I joined had guys I was attracted to but they were either married or attached. I'm in my 30s and if I
meet a guy that I'm attracted to, it's almost a reflex action to check out the left hand for a wedding ring! It's a sad reality for 30somethings!

LegacyUser

Confused30something wrote: »

thanks for replying.
I was happy being on my own. I'm no longer happy being on my own. I want a companion and I want a family. My 2 brothers made me realise this. It kind of woke me up.


I haven't. Just the way he was being with his Mum looked nice. I have no preconceptions about this guy at all. For all I know he may have a girlfriend. He may even live elsewhere, and was just home for the few days at Christmas.

I don't know how I could get introduced to this guy. My aunt mentioned that she knew of his Mum. I don't know if she is on speaking terms with her. I never told her I liked this guy.
my brother doesn't socialise with any of the neighbours out his way.

As for not wanting to be alone, well it's true, very few people want to be alone. Things happen to us in life that we have very little control over (sometimes these things are happy occasions, sometimes they're not). You're better off taking life as it comes, and enjoying what you do have instead fretting over what you don't have.

There is something you have some control over though! There's no harm in letting your aunt know that you're a wee bit interested in the man down the road. She might make an effort to get to know his mum if she knows you have a small bit of interest in her son. See what comes of it!

LegacyUser

Congratulations!

There is no reason in the world why you shouldn't have the time of your life finding the right person.

The guy you mention might be it, maybe not. Either way, no sweat. The key is volume. You have to kiss a lot of... well, not frogs, but maybe non-princes. You have to put yourself in a position where you are getting to meet a lot single guys. Most of them will be wrong for you, but one won't.

That said, if your work and social life don't involve getting to meet lots of new people, you will have to fix that. One solution is online dating. This may or may not be for you. If it is great, but don't limit yourself to this. You could join something like http://www.meetup.com, where the purpose is not finding a partner, but the type of people who go are more likely to be single.

There is a good reason to meet lots of guys, even ones who aren't really prospects: without wanting to be rude, your social skills may need honing. This is only to be expected if you haven't practiced in a while, it doesn't make you a social freak. In any case, some male attention can only boost your confidence, and this is very important.

The 'rules' about not kissing/sex/whatever until the nth date is rubbish, but it does work as a proxy for a very important truth - low self-esteem is _very_ unattractive. If you agree to sex because of low self-esteem, don't expect to get any calls other than when he's exhausted the rest of his little black book.

I mention this because guys are a) mostly lazy and b) usually have to make all the running in these things. If you are willing to say (in whatever words) that you want to have sex with a guy, when you do, and make it clear that you are doing it on your terms, and as an equal, that will give you a huge edge.

John400

OP, maybe a stupid question here but is there anybody who you probably already know in say work or college etc who you like?

LegacyUser

John400 wrote: »

OP, maybe a stupid question here but is there anybody who you probably already know in say work or college etc who you like?

No. I am doing a college course at the moment and all the guys are either gay or way too young. I did a course before this and there was at least twenty guys in the course. Most were way too young or way too old, or already spoken for. One guy that I liked, happened to be married!
That is why I am looking in the most unlikely spots! I am finding it hard to meet a guy roughly my age (I will go a good bit younger or older) that is single and interested in a relationship, and I am interested in.

LegacyUser

Hi Op.

You've made an important step and that's realising that you want to be with somebody now. You might have gone another 10 or 20 years before realising this and then it would have been a lot more difficult.

My tip is dont rule any situation or anybody out. I was like you a few years ago but I made a decision that I was going to make every effort to change the way my life was, even from finding more friends and a better social life as well as a partner. Then I got together with somebody I had known for years but just had never seen "in that way" and I'm now so happy and content with him, I couldnt imagine my life without him. And before anyone says it, I didnt "settle" for him. I just let myself be open to people outside of my normal type and discovered that I had been depriving myself of great people for years because they weren't what I had pictured as my ideal partner, or even ideal friend.

Best of luck op and I know it's a cliche but sometimes it does happen when you least expect it.

milli milli

confused30something wrote: »

I did a course before this and there was at least twenty guys in the course. Most were way too young or way too old, or already spoken for.

I have a similar story. I did an engineering course for a few months and I thought great, there's loads of men here. Like you said it wasn't that easy. Some of the guys were in their early twenties and way too immature. There were a few much older men who were either married or attached. Some just weren't my type - don't know if they were attached, I just wasn't interested in them. The couple of guys I did fancy, one was married and the other didn't seem interested. So yeah, it's tough!

John400

confused30something wrote: »

No. I am doing a college course at the moment and all the guys are either gay or way too young. I did a course before this and there was at least twenty guys in the course. Most were way too young or way too old, or already spoken for. One guy that I liked, happened to be married!
That is why I am looking in the most unlikely spots! I am finding it hard to meet a guy roughly my age (I will go a good bit younger or older) that is single and interested in a relationship, and I am interested in.

Oh okay.

The reason i was suggesting if there was a guy you liked in work or college etc is because a lot of couples do end up meeting this way. My cousin was in the same position as you when she started a new job.

There was a guy who worked in a different area of the company she was in, who was quite polite to her etc..there wasn't any initial romantic leanings towards him. After a year she then got talking to him at the company's Christmas Party and got on well with him..she had to leave early..and he hugged her before she left..so she started getting fond of him. Then they got on well in work the following year and he eventually asked her out. Worked well as they knew each other already from work so a nice base to start from.