I'm a Wreck

LegacyUser

Throughout my whole life my family abused me mentally. I was constantly told to shut up, made believe that I was no good; my sister once said to me that she was surprised I was still alive. There are times that I'm surprised too. I sometimes realise, jesus - I'm 25. Why didn't I end it all by now? I have come close many times, but never went the full way - how come?

Every achievement I've ever made in my life I've downplayed because it's the way I was raised - that no matter what I do, it will never ever be enough, or that I'll never make anyone proud.

Any time I sit with my family, I keep thinking about what horrible people they were to me. They're not now, but I can't forget it. I remember all the insults, the name calling, the disrespect and the ignorance and I feel.. weak. I can barely sit at the table with them sometimes. It makes Christmas exceptionally hard, because I can't pretend anymore. I'm so tempted to walk back to my student home tomorrow, despite it being 40 miles away. Anything would be better.

dudara

As a PI moderator, I have to tell you that we are not qualified to offer you appropriate advice; if you are feeling suicidal you must tell a qualified professional. If you think you could benefit from talking to someone, you might find some useful contacts here.

However, I think that you will get useful advice on contrary and difficult families from some of our posters, so therefore, I will leave this thread open for them to engage on.

seenitall

OP, I really feel for you as I have been through something very similar with my own family in the past, right down to Christmases being unbearably difficult, strained, head-wrecking times. I know exactly what you are talking about.

My way of solving all that (kind of) was emigrating when I was about your age. No more horrible family lunches or Christmases, no more mental abuse, no more "them getting to me". Now, in hindsight, I do have to say (and I really hope you take this on board), I wish that I had also gone into therapy at 25, instead of at 35, as I did. Emigrating was difficult but rewarding, so I did make the right decision there, but the emotional damage that had been wrought throughout the years beforehand had already taken its toll, so although I was physically removed from my family, emotionally I stayed under the influence of that damage, and it continued to exert itself in my life, through the choices I have made in life and the kind of person I have been because of it. I haven't been a happy bunny, exactly...

As with yourself, I am actually treated pretty well overall now when I do go home, but nevertheless I have never been able to magick away the past abuse, or forget about it or forgive it, to be perfectly honest. I have been having to put a lot of work into my issues with my family - therapy/counselling was so needed and extremely beneficial but it is a very, very long and difficult road, so I urge you to embark on it as soon as you can. Because there really is no other road to feeling better about either yourself or others, than tackling these things, "exercising the demons", as it were. Please consider it.

Best wishes.

Leftyflip

Have to agree with the poster above me, get out of there. Try to remember that what they said were lies and know that you aren't who or what they said you are. Focus on the good things, friends, hobbies, etc. But do get help, I've been in the same state and through talking to professionals and my mates, I made it through that stage. Even try to express your feelings in a poem or something, I write a lot and found it helped me feel better when I wrote about things. I know it sounds silly, but I'd say it could help.

I really hope you can sort things out and live a better life, best of luck OP

LegacyUser

Wow OP, you could have written that for me
I know exactly what you are going through.

From when I was little, to when I was 17, I got very bad mental abuse, mixed in with physical and emotional abuse, always told I wasnt good enough, I would never amount to anything, that I was a waste of space, should never have been born... was blocked from socialising, having friends, going to college, doing anything normal. I ran away at age 17, and have been making it on my own ever since.

Like a poster before me, I didn't want to go to therapy to talk it out thinking that I could handle it on my own, that people had it worse than me and that "I would be okay" - only now (I am 25) have I started a course of psychotherapy, and its hard, very hard, but I am learning a lot about myself and how what has happened affected me and how I am today.

My advice... when you are at home, try and stay focused on what you CAN do to make the time a little more bearale - there will be times when you can be alone, such as when you are back in your bedroom. Get some paper, write your feelings down, get it all out. You will feel better for it. Remember how you are when you are not with them - think of how your friends treat you, the great things in your life you have achieved so far - made all the greater because you didn't have support for doing them.

As for ending it all, I have been there too - and just tried to concentrate on the fact that I am a whole new different person to either of my parents - thus I am capable of anything in the world. One day we will have our own familys and children who we will cherish and adore and protect, and we will be richer for knowing how to raise a child correctly, from what we have experienced.

You may not realise it but you are SO much stronger than your peers for the abuse you have gone through. You are NOT worthless, you are very much integral, and I bet the people in your life who matter will back me up on that.

Thinking of you, and don't worry - you WILL be okay. Seek some help, talking about it will help so much - or whether you just choose to post on here, or start a blog for write a journal - just don't keep it to yourself.

You're amazing for going back when I bet you didn't want to - Keep going, chin up - you are 100 times the person your parents will ever be.