Girlfriend messaging Exes

LegacyUser

Don't know what to make of this one.

My girlfriend, who I've been seeing for 9 months had a bad breakup with another guy.

But apparently she's over him. Anyway, I believed her, and I trust her. She's always been honest with me.

Anyway, today she mentions casually that she was messaging her ex on facebook.

Apparently she still had a few unanswered questions about how they broke up. And she wanted "closure".

Now as far as I see it, they broke up. Seems pretty closed to me. And I told her this.

So anyway this turned into a big arguement. I asked her how she would feel if I started messaging my exes asking about how we broke up.

And then all of a sudden I was being insensitive and immature for mentioning my ex. She was messaging hers.

So anyway, we argued for ages, and she still can't understand the hypocrisy of how she's acting. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I'm wrong.

Is this normal acceptable behaviour? What would anyone else do in this situation?

TwoShedsJackson

Sounds like you're over-reacting to me.

She needed to ask this ex some questions, so she did so, and has gotten the answers she wanted. That seems to be the end of it from your description.

You don't have the right to try and control who she contacts - she's a grown woman, she can contact who she wants and to be honest she doesn't have to justify it to you.

Let this one go.

Katgurl

You'd be getting p45 from me I'm afraid op. Your girlfriend isn't your property, you said yourself breakup was bad, she concealed nothing from you. It was one conversation not a regular occurrence.

Unless of course there is more to this story. You say as far as you are concerned relationship is over - did you believe before she still had feelings?

Also, why were you insensitive for mentioning your ex? Has your ex been an issue for you both in earlier stages of your relationship?

If not and you are both just resenting each others exes PURELY for being exes then you both need to grow up. Unless exes are interfering with the present they really aren't an issue.

You should talk to your girlfriend, not accuse or tell her what to do. Ask her are things resolved now. Ask her is she committed to your relationship now. Ask her does she intend stay in contact.

And based on her answers decide if you're happy with things as they stand now.

omahaid

new Tivarded wrote: »

she was messaging her ex on facebook.

new Tivarded wrote: »

I asked her how she would feel if I started messaging my exes asking about how we broke up.

And then all of a sudden I was being insensitive and immature for mentioning my ex.

Love the double standards. Sorry OP, alarms are going off here, she seems to be the one with issues of control. She can do what she wants but you cannot do the exact same thing? :eek:

Virgil°

I think if it was just a case of contacting her ex for idle chit chat then you would be over-reacting. However asking for "closure"(god i hate that word) is a different kettle of fish.
I'd be wondering if she was over him at all. Shes with you now she doesn't need anything else from her ex. The fact that she reacted so defensively when, i'm assuming, all you said was that you weren't happy with this arrangement speaks volumes.
Tread carefully OP but i wouldn't let this lie.

whatsamsn

Shes dating you 9 months and messages the ex for "clousure"? :rolleyes:
Ah here mate... Shes not over him. She isnt invested in you. This aint psychology class 101. This is common sense we're talking here. She has indirectly told you what you mean to her by doing this.

You have to walk. This is so big and bold that even a blind man could see it. All you are is the post-relationship guy. To either make her whole again or to pass the time with and then someone to be tossed aside.

funky15_2

felt compelled to respond to this.... and would echo virgils sentiments really...

why on earth would she need closure from a relationship from the past and considering shes been with you for nine months, its complete nonsense..

Of course your goin to get the usual replys accusing you of being jealous, paranoid etc, easy for people to spout this tripe if there not in your shoes op so ignore..

you are definitley well within your rights not to be happy with this, like what does she expect to hear from him?? shes digging up the past and is totally out off order..

stick to your guns and dont back down op..

Fittle

I think Christmas is like silly-season in relationships. It's all that out with the old and in with the new. Perhaps she really has questions to ask him about why the relationship ended - from a females perspective, that doesn't mean she has no feelings for you. Perhaps she wants your relationship to progress, and feels it can't, until she gets answers from him.

Sometimes, we learn from the mistakes of previous relationships, about how things should go in current/future relationships.

I wouldn't look on this as a negative OP. Did she get her answers from him? And if so, has she now deleted him? If the answer is yes, then you can move on with her. If she's still in touch with him, then perhaps there's more going on that she's admitting, and perhaps she's not over him.

Best of luck, whatever happens OP>

MonkeyBalls

OP is correct.

Of course, the shrieking hens are going to come in and tell you that you're insecure, out of line, jealous, etc. One of them, I notice, even said you'd be "getting a p45".

Complete nonsense.

You should be the one giving her the "p45", because her behaviour is piss poor.

She's not over her ex, and she probably enjoys the taboo of talking to him. Women crave drama in their life, in all forms. You can guage a girl's emotional maturity by whether she chooses to contact exes or not while she's in a relationship.

Your girlfriend is disrespecting you. And then she drops a double standard on you. Drop her worthless ass.

Drodan

Forget any of this "disrespecting" nonsense OP, or behaving "piss poor", the simple fact of the matter is you and her are together now at this moment. From what you said I would guess that she's not 100% in the relationship and still has thoughts on her ex. Might not be the idea of getting back with him, but she was obviously hurt by what happened.

She either in the relationship or not, simple as. All I know is my current gf had a very bad breakup with a tool of an ex (some serious **** went down), I know she wouldn't but I really wouldn't like it if she was talking to him again, even for "closure" (which is bs btw).

The past is exactly that, need to move on and concentrate on the two of you now together.

Esoteric_

If she's seeking closure, then she's not over the relationship. Sorry OP, but no girl is gonna ask for closure unless they're not over the guy. I still talk to one of my exes quite frequently. We're friends, but that doesn't work when one isn't over the other. If I were in your position, I'd be thinking seriously about whether or not you want to invest in a relationship where you're coming second to some other guy.

MonkeyBalls

Drodan wrote: »

Forget any of this "disrespecting" nonsense OP, or behaving "piss poor", the simple fact of the matter is you and her are together now at this moment. From what you said I would guess that she's not 100% in the relationship and still has thoughts on her ex. Might not be the idea of getting back with him, but she was obviously hurt by what happened.

She either in the relationship or not, simple as. All I know is my current gf had a very bad breakup with a tool of an ex (some serious **** went down), I know she wouldn't but I really wouldn't like it if she was talking to him again, even for "closure" (which is bs btw).

The past is exactly that, need to move on and concentrate on the two of you now together.

What is this, I don't even...

killerking

new Tivarded wrote: »

Don't know what to make of this one.

My girlfriend, who I've been seeing for 9 months had a bad breakup with another guy.

But apparently she's over him. Anyway, I believed her, and I trust her. She's always been honest with me.

Anyway, today she mentions casually that she was messaging her ex on facebook.

Apparently she still had a few unanswered questions about how they broke up. And she wanted "closure".

Now as far as I see it, they broke up. Seems pretty closed to me. And I told her this.

So anyway this turned into a big arguement. I asked her how she would feel if I started messaging my exes asking about how we broke up.

And then all of a sudden I was being insensitive and immature for mentioning my ex. She was messaging hers.

So anyway, we argued for ages, and she still can't understand the hypocrisy of how she's acting. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I'm wrong.

Is this normal acceptable behaviour? What would anyone else do in this situation?

Big mistake arguing with her.
Get even by being a better lover which should never give her a reason to go back to her exes if she is thinking about it.
It's a sad fact of life that even the best relationships are never 100% secure.

booboo88

I know how ya feel though, only its his ex that persistantly texts him. Even as far as to call him at half 10 one sunday morning. It stings a lil bit but your better off talking about it now and see where ye go from there. If you leave it go it'll just fester and hurt more in the long run....