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Feels like my life is falling apart

  • 22-12-2010 3:30pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,081 ✭✭✭BKtje


    I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I don't think I need advice, maybe I just want to rant or think out loud.

    Basically my life is slowly falling apart and I don't know what to do about it. It's pretty much out of my hands at the moment, I've done all I can, until the start of the new year anyway.

    Long story short, fell in love, moved to her country (didn't have a job, friends, family or even the language there). I hoped to find a job but that fell through so decided to go to university but for that I needed the language. Enrolled myself in full time french courses which I am still doing (over a year later) and hope (had hoped?) to go to university in february.

    Even with all our problems we were very happy together though she found it hard with my lack of local friends and language. She went to India for 3 weeks during the summer and during that time I missed her immensely. I even thought of proposing to her on her return but decided we weren't ready. I said this to her and she said that she'd probably have said yes. She started pushing me for a baby, I felt that we weren't ready (she only started nursing school a few months back and I hadn't even applied to uni yet at the time) so I always said no. Hindsight a great decision i guess. After breaking up she finally admitted to me that she was already starting to have doubts before she went to India and while her feelings returned slightly while she was away she realised she no longer loved me soon after she returned. Even though she thought that she no longer loved me she still kept telling me that she did, leaving me notes on my pillow for when I'd get home after work. She'd send me texts telling me that she missed me and to come home soon and she'd act jealous when I'd be out without her (the odd time that I was). I guess she was just very insecure and afraid of being alone. Her life hasn't been easy. After starting nursing school she met anew guy and while nothing happened between them physically she admitted to me that she'd fall asleep beside me thinking of him.

    Four months (5 weeks ago) after her India trip and she finally tells me that she no longer loves me and she moves into a friends place. Two weeks later I find out that she is with the new guy (I feel like she stayed with me till she had found someone new!), two weeks after that (3 days ago) I'm told that my university application has been denied for a ****ty reason (am appealing, will know in the new year but the thought of going to university was one of the things that kept me going during the last while). On top of that if I don't get into university it will be fairly difficult for me to renew my visa to stay here (might have to find more work hours). If not I'll have to leave and then retry my uni application next september but I will do anything to stay here, I really don't want to go back to Ireland.

    I've found life very difficult since we broke up. I've only ever known this beautiful city with her so everywhere I go I get memories of her flashing accross my brain. To be honest i'm incredibly lonely but I guess thats normal after a break up. I have some friends here but none of them are very close friends so this limits what I can and want to tell them. I'm trying to make more but only having one years experience with the language slows me down (I got a good level and everyone is always surprised when they find out I've only been doing the language a year but casual chit chat is still hard for me). Was hoping university could also help me in that regard.

    On top of all of the above I lost my cousin last march to cancer (we weren't super close but it was still a shock) and now my grandmother is also dying of cancer and doesn't have long left. I just feel that my whole life is falling apart after feeling that everything was under control as recently as 2 months ago. I'm just taking hit after hit and I don't know how much more I can take beforeI crack. My parents have been a pillar of support for me, my mother in particular. Without their support I really don't think that I would still be breathing. I'm not suicidal or depressed (sad, overwhelmed yes) but at times I just feel (felt?) too overwhelmed. I'm constantly tired due to finding it difficult to sleep and even when I do sleep it's never for very long (4-5hrs a day). I bought some herbal calming things but am afraid of getting anything stronger incase I have one of my "weak" moments.

    I'm coping but only just and it being christmas and being in a foreign country with no family and few friends is not helping. 2010 started so brightly but it is turning into the worst year of my life.

    (I'm sorry that this is so disjointed, I guess that it really isn't clear in my head how this all has happened to me and how my world has been turned upside down so quickly)


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 734 ✭✭✭astra2000


    Hi op I am sorry you are going through such a hard time and obviously been in away from home is making things harder for you. Is there anyway you could return home even for a short period just to have a diversion and the support of people who love you, or maybe you could ask a family member to go to you for a little holiday. Can I ask why you are so determined to stay in this country if there is so little there for you, nothing is set in stone you could move else where or come home and make new plans.
    It sounds as if your ex isnt been honest with you, from what she said regarding a proposal and having a baby it would appear she did love you at that time and is trying now to make it appear that she did her best to make your relationship work. Eitherway she has moved on and in time you will too. If you decide to stay put make a big effort to become fluent in the language and to meet new people make your own new memories. Best of luck I hope 2011 is a much better year for you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,081 ✭✭✭BKtje


    After re-reading my initial post I realise that i opened up a lot more than I had intended. What's done is done though.

    I've already booked flights to Ireland on the 29th and will be staying with my dad and brother for 10 days. I'm looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time. I'll have so much free time to think and mull things over but maybe I can get my head down and get some work done as well. My dad has already visited me. He's actually quite worried as he went through something similar when he was younger.
    Can I ask why you are so determined to stay in this country if there is so little there for you, nothing is set in stone you could move else where or come home and make new plans.
    That's a good question and one I have asked myself many times. I know my dad would love me to move back and has offered to put me up so that is an option but it's not really something I want. At least I don't think so.
    Apart from my problems I'm quite happy here. I love the city and the people (it's a university town, similar to galway i guess in that regard). I'm smack in the middle of the city but at the same time the area I currently live feels like a small village with it's own parties and ceebrations seperate from the main city. I go for a run every morning to the local valley which is five minutes from my house. It's peaceful and beautiful yet painful due to the memories.

    The main reason I guess that I want to stay is that I want to feel like I have some modicum of control over my life. I want to return to university and finish it this time and then go on to get a job. Ireland seems to be all doom and gloom at the moment and while Switzerland is definately an expensive country to live in, university fees are very cheap. I feel like Ireland is my past and whether this city/country is my future i couldn't tell you but it feels like home and is my home now.

    I don't know what to believe regarding my ex to be honest. I had noticed a change in her but put it down to worries about her future and the likes. Honestly it doesn't matter what really happened, it doesn't really change anything for me now. We still talk (mostly by email) and we want to remain friends but in the short term i've told her that I need my distance (which is why I only want contact with her through email).

    It's a large goal for me to become fluent enough to understand everything that is said to me (slang and "familiar" speech is the main areas I have probems with, everyday things such as reading the newspaper doesn't give me many problems). I still have problems with radio broadcasts and the likes but that will come in time.

    Thank you for your sympathies and well wishes :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Poor lad. You've been through the wars and it sounds like things are really getting on top of you. I'm sorry to hear about your cousin and your granny and your girlfriend. Sometimes life seems to be very unfair. The thing that I've noticed is that when things like this all seem to come together it's because you're down already and what would have been easier to cope with in the normal scheme of things, is just made so much more difficult by all the other things you're coping with.

    Believe it or not, I was in a very similar situation almost ten years ago. Went to another country to be with my then boyfriend. He turned into a nightmare almost immediately and had to leave him. I decided to stay in the country though more for the experience. It was very very hard, but I'm glad I did it. It's such a cliche but it made me stronger. I returned here after almost a year, mainly because of a relative's illness.

    If you get into uni you will meet so many new people so it would be ideal for you in your situation. All of a sudden, you will be studying something you're interested in (and an idle mind truly is the devil's playground), and you'll have a whole new bunch of friends. Life will be fun and interesting and this beautiful Swiss city that you live in will become less about your memories of her, and more about the new memories that you will be creating with your new friends.

    And there's light at the end of the tunnel. I am now married to the love of my life who I met a couple of years after returning to Ireland. Good luck OP, whatever you decide to do.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,708 ✭✭✭curlzy


    Hey OP,

    First of all, Ireland isn't all doom and gloom, boards.ie and specifically After Hours just make it seem that way, yeah it's slightly crap budget wise but defo not all doom and gloom. Just wanted to say that I think your girlfriend sounds breath-takingly selfish, she knew what was going on in her head but didn't share that with you until she had someone else to go with, you are 100% better off without someone with so little regard for you and your feelings. I would suggest you come home for some R & R and then make up your mind, it sounds like it's all smothering you were you are and some distance might help? Either way *big hug* and remember this too shall pass, you will feel happy again.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,897 ✭✭✭Kimia


    Hi Op. I'm sorry that you're finding it hard at the moment, you seem to have been through the mill alright. I would say to you that although it's a cliche - this feeling will pass, as you know yourself. Try to keep busy and fill your evenings with lots of different things in Switzerland - could you perhaps meet someone to practice your conversational French with and they could practice English with you? I know it's something my mates did when they moved to Spain.

    Also, you should feel very very proud of yourself. It's not an easy thing to do - leaving the country of your birth and making a go of it, not to mind staying on after a hard breakup. And coupled with learning an entirely new language and culture and still wanting to hang in there and persevere, well, my hat is off to you.

    Keep well and chin up.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,081 ✭✭✭BKtje


    Kimia wrote: »
    could you perhaps meet someone to practice your conversational French with and they could practice English with you?
    I have some native friends and work in a bar so conversational french gets practiced fairly regularly. It really will just take some time.

    Thanks for all the kind words all, it helps.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 837 ✭✭✭Beetlebum


    I gotta say OP you come across as a really interesting and incredibly attractive person. Your post was written with such honesty and I was instantly drawn in.

    Fair play to you for moving to a new city and learning the language. The place you live sounds stunning and I think you should stick with it and create new memories.

    I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 8 years after moving cities to be with him. It was only Galway to Dublin so it wasn't too bad but the break up was horrific! I found out he had been cheating on me with a girl I knew and he was violent towards me when I confronted him. Unreal.

    Anyway OP, I was broken at the time, not even heartbroken, just broken.
    I had no job, no money, no boyfriend, no hope and I had given up a great job and life in Galway to be with him.

    That was 4 months ago.

    I am now happier than I've ever been. I am so happy that I'm smiling typing this. I'm finally free from that lying sack of sh*t and the future is bright.

    You will get over her OP and you'll fall in love again and be happy.

    You seriosuly seem like such an attractive person. I kinda faniced you after reading your post! Hah


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,724 ✭✭✭seenitall


    Beetlebum wrote: »
    I gotta say OP you come across as a really interesting and incredibly attractive person. Your post was written with such honesty and I was instantly drawn in.

    Fair play to you for moving to a new city and learning the language. The place you live sounds stunning and I think you should stick with it and create new memories.

    +1.

    OP, it is rare to see a level-headed opening post such as yours on these threads.

    You will be just fine, and more. Lucky Swiss girls! ;)

    Best wishes.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,081 ✭✭✭BKtje


    You seriosuly seem like such an attractive person. I kinda faniced you after reading your post! Hah

    Haha, thanks for the smile. They are few and far between at the moment :)

    I almost wish that our breakup at been horrific. It would give me an excuse to be really angry at her. I get angry sometimes but it fades quite quickly, perhaps too quickly. I've never been an angry person though and always try to look on the bright side. Of late that has been next to impossible but as you all say, those days will return and i'm sure there will be other woman. That said this girl will always have a place in my heart <sigh>.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 837 ✭✭✭Beetlebum


    seenitall wrote: »
    +1.

    OP, it is rare to see a level-headed opening post such as yours on these threads.

    You will be just fine, and more. Lucky Swiss girls! ;)

    Best wishes.


    Oi! Back off Seenitall.....I saw him first:):pac:


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,081 ✭✭✭BKtje


    Unless either of you are willing to move to switzerland then it's really null and void though I appreciate the compliments :)


  • Posts: 0 Ramona Vast Steam


    Hey OP, sorry to hear you're feeling so down but it sounds like you are already on top of everything. You're doing amazingly well to be still living in Switzerland and making a go of things there. I think a lot of people don't realise how hard it is to live in another country with another language and have to rebuild your life from scratch. I also did a similar thing (although I left Ireland after a break-up there) and I think the best thing to do is just accept that it won't be easy and enjoy the good times. It does get better the longer you're there.

    Are there any Meetup groups in your area? I joined one of these when I moved to Belgium and met some really sound people, both other expats and locals, I was introduced to friends of friends and I ended up knowing loads of people. You can never have too many friends when you're living abroad on your own. I would also advise you to cut contact with the ex completely. She treated you very badly and it's not really healthy to still be e-mailing her at the moment. I found it far easier to move on after I'd stopped all contact with the ex and left it in the past. Best of luck!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,081 ✭✭✭BKtje


    Actually went to an english speakers thing last night in Zurich which was good fun though having never been in Zurich before i got fairly lost for a while. Doesn't help when you don't speak much german either!
    Am sure that I'll go to more meet ups.

    I know I should cut contact with her, I really do but I just can't. I've tried but I miss just talking to her about everyday things ya know. On top of that I can't cut all contact just yet as all her furniture is still here as well as her clothes and things. She moves into her new place in january so after that I might be able to make a proper go of it, will see.

    I know that she has treated me badly in many ways but in others she hasn't or maybe I just don't want to believe that she has. Anyway as everyone says, life goes on


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,775 ✭✭✭Fittle


    Hi Op, just come home to your mam:D. You need to move on from your ex, and that city is holding so many memories for you, that it will be very difficult for you to do.

    Honestly, come home for a while. You can always go back if you truly love the city...come home for a while, it will do you no harm and might even be good for you;)

    Best of luck OP, whatever you decide:)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,081 ✭✭✭BKtje


    This is almost turning into my own personal "feel sorry for myself" thread. Sorry about that, not at all what I had intended when I first put pen to paper (err fingertips to keyboard?) but I think it's helping in some strange way.

    I've had a fairly rough couple of days (it being christmas and everything). Friday being especially bad. Went out for a meal with a friend then went to a bar/club where I ended up drinking far too much, for far too long (fair play to my friend, stayed sober and kept an eye on me before dropping me home). When I finally got home at 6am I just broke down before eventually drifting off for a few hours sleep. Of course it was a mixture of the drink and it being christmas morning but it was truly horrible experience that even through the drunken haze I remember o so clearly. After six weeks I really had hoped to be past all that :(

    Christmas day itself wasn't too bad as I decided to avoid it as much as possible. Went running, avoided tv, no boards and just some movies that I had sitting on my laptop till it was time to go to work. Overall an empty day but evaded most of what I figured would depress me the most. Not a great plan perhaps but I got through it somehow.
    Fittle wrote: »
    Hi Op, just come home to your mam:D. You need to move on from your ex, and that city is holding so many memories for you, that it will be very difficult for you to do.
    I will be sure to visit my mum when I'm back in Ireland next week though I doubt that I will spend that much time with her. Not much to do in offaly :p I actually think she is going to head over to Dublin for me which is nice of her :)

    I do of course agree with you that I need to move on from my ex and leaving here may speed up that process but at the same time i'm getting older and I feel that I really need to try make a go of life here (I know some of you will laugh at that, but being 27 and not feeling like I have really achieved anything in my life nor sorted out anything for the future makes it feel like i'm running out of time. Truly or falsely, whichever the case may be). I've tried university in Ireland (twice) and neither time did I manage to stick it out (think I chose the wrong course, same one twice in different universities). Being with my ex had concentrated my mind. I wanted to get a good university degree and then find a good job so we could raise kids together/ take care of her. Your basic masculine desire to take care of the one you love. Nothing fancy.

    Now I realise that we are no longer together but the same desire is still there. To be able to support a family if/when it happens, not to mention that having a short-medium term goal in life is pretty much all that's keeping me going at this point. I guess that in the last couple of years of living in Switzerland I've grown up a lot and while going back to Dublin probably won't change that, I do tie Dublin with this old me that just no longer exists.
    That is of course somewhat irrational as moving back to Dublin won't turn me back into this "kid" that I was but still, it's how I feel. Besides, I was never very happy in Irish universities so maybe a foreign one will be different (I can but hope).
    Honestly, come home for a while. You can always go back if you truly love the city...come home for a while, it will do you no harm and might even be good for you;)
    I'm back in Ireland this thursday and will be staying for 10 days or so. Honestly I'm somewhat dreading it. I'll have so much time to think and ponder and being stuck around the house. Of course I'll get to see a lot of friends that I haven't seen in a long time but I'm truely afraid of the "dead time" where I will have time to think. It's bad enough here but at least I have "my things" to help distract me. It will give me some sort of idea how I would feel if I were to move back though.
    Best of luck OP, whatever you decide:)
    Thank you sincerely.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,708 ✭✭✭curlzy


    Hey OP,

    Just wanted to say you should defo pursue the education you want. I went back and did a degree at night when I was 24, I graduated with my Photography degree this May. It did absolute wonders for my self confidence as well as my photography :D Choosing your course is the most important thing, if it's something you enjoy you have a great chance of success. My degree was hard work, 4 nights a week and the weekends spent doing projects, but I enjoyed it immensely. You'll also meet like-minded people so it's win-win. So yeah look around and take your time choosing what you're going to study.

    Hope you're feeling better.

    Best of luck.


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