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Burned by a player
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21-12-2010 2:08pm#1
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sunflower27 wrote: »No, you are probably right, I suppose it's just the feelings I got from the OP that he'd talked lots about her to his mates, made her feel special and then after being intimate she has effectively been dropped like a hot potato.
On reflection it seems as if this is more a case of a bruised ego - and that can be hard to deal with. The OP seems to have built this up in her head to be possibly more than it was so his slack attitude now is very hurtful.
In hindsight my Mr Lover Lover never took me for lovely dinners, it was more a case of 'here, love, carry this microphone stand will you'
Thank God we live and learn.
Dry your eyes OP. You can bet your bottom dollar he isn't crying over you so dont give him the satisfaction of crying over him.
You WILL get over it and him.
Yeap we've all been there once we learn from it it's the most important thing
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sunflower27 wrote: »100% agree with curlzy. The person you are wasting your tears over is not real.
Many years ago I met a guy after I saw him playing in a band. I thoughe he was drop-dead gorgeous and after his gig and fuelled by a few drinks I went over and chat to him. I ended up travelling across the country every weekend to see him play, hang out etc. I was smitten... till I found out he had a few admirers locally. Of course it hurt, my ego was so bruised but I got over it. I realised he is what he is and I wasnt going to be the one to change him.
You go out on Thursday, whatever you do, dont get pissed and feel the need to take him to task. Why should he know you care. Get rid of his number and be sure to enjoy yourself.
Sunflower you always give great advice. I'm just not sure if this is what it seems. If this guy swept her off her feet brought her out for meals slept with her and then cut contact i'd be the first one with the he's a player flag waving, but the OP met up with him a few times in a nightclub and went home with him. From what I can tell and the guy in question she was happy with this arrangement. Maybe they were on different pages, like she'd only met him out a few times and uses terms like "falling in love" maybe the guy freaked out maybe he liked her but is not ready for what the OP wants, he has brought her back to his house numerous times knowing they probably wouldn't sleep together so why is he such a b****d?
I agree some men are di****ds but I also think some women use the he's a ba**d and a player card to flippantly just because the guy isn't interested? What if the OP decided she wasn't interested into this guy after going back to his house all these times and tried to fizzle things out, would she be a s**t??? The guy is still replying to her texts???
Sorry for the rant maybe I'm missing something.
Hiya I know,
Also I've never said "falling in love" to him, but I'm thinking it myself.
To answer the question, I have slept with him once when he invited me over to his place at the very beginning. Since then we have just been meeting up in clubs when we're both home, never slept with him since.. Maybe I have given him the opinion that I didn't want anything serious either.
I suppose I shouldn't be so quick to call him a bastard, and just accept the fact that he can lose interest like myself, and try and be more adult about it?
I guess I'm just so hurt because he was so so all over me that night, and so nice, and I've never felt that connection with anyone, and then he's been distinctly unfriendly since. And I'm worried I'm a mug.
And also I guess I'm hurt because I've realised I've really developed feelings for him, and with his rep as a player I'm over analysing and overly that I'm the next notch on the bedpost?
Anyway I haven't a feckin clue, I did text him two days ago and decided to ask him out once and for all and try and be all cheeky and funny about it tho. There was a situation the last time I saw him where I kinda rescued him from a situation ,so I texted him two days ago and said "I basically saved your life there, I think you owe me
, I think bringing me out for a drink would make up for it ", and I have heard nothing back.
Looking back it's not all his fault I've prob been sending mixed signals aswell. Since I've asked him out properly now I guess i'll see one way or antoher once and for all.0 -
sunflower27 wrote: »No, you are probably right, I suppose it's just the feelings I got from the OP that he'd talked lots about her to his mates, made her feel special and then after being intimate she has effectively been dropped like a hot potato.
On reflection it seems as if this is more a case of a bruised ego - and that can be hard to deal with. The OP seems to have built this up in her head to be possibly more than it was so his slack attitude now is very hurtful.
In hindsight my Mr Lover Lover never took me for lovely dinners, it was more a case of 'here, love, carry this microphone stand will you' Thank God we live and learn.
Dry your eyes OP. You can bet your bottom dollar he isn't crying over you so dont give him the satisfaction of crying over him.
You WILL get over it and him.
Yes it is my bruised ego and the fact that I was really developing feelings for him is hurting me!
Reading the posts here I accept he has the right to lose interest, it's v.hurtful, but I need to get over it0 -
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midlandsmissus wrote: »
Hiya I know,
Also I've never said "falling in love" to him, but I'm thinking it myself.
To answer the question, I have slept with him once when he invited me over to his place at the very beginning. Since then we have just been meeting up in clubs when we're both home, never slept with him since.. Maybe I have given him the opinion that I didn't want anything serious either.
I suppose I shouldn't be so quick to call him a bastard, and just accept the fact that he can lose interest like myself, and try and be more adult about it?
I guess I'm just so hurt because he was so so all over me that night, and so nice, and I've never felt that connection with anyone, and then he's been distinctly unfriendly since. And I'm worried I'm a mug.
And also I guess I'm hurt because I've realised I've really developed feelings for him, and with his rep as a player I'm over analysing and overly that I'm the next notch on the bedpost?
Anyway I haven't a feckin clue, I did text him two days ago and decided to ask him out once and for all and try and be all cheeky and funny about it tho. There was a situation the last time I saw him where I kinda rescued him from a situation ,so I texted him two days ago and said "I basically saved your life there, I think you owe me, I think bringing me out for a drink would make up for it ", and I have heard nothing back.
Looking back it's not all his fault I've prob been sending mixed signals aswell. Since I've asked him out properly now I guess i'll see one way or antoher once and for all.
Dear please stop with the messages you're making yourself look desperate and the fact he's still texting you back be it blunt or not would infact suggest he's not as big a dichead as you've made out. No offence but you went home with him and slept with him the first night you met him and then continued the casual thing with him. He probably thought he was on to a good thing, lads don't think the same way as us about this sort of thing. This was probably never a relationship to him. Sorry to be so blunt, but you need to stepback and save some dignity.0 -
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Well I'm guessing that you're both going to be home for christmas - just come out and say it - I like you & want us to have a more committed relationship - or something like that. He'll either run a mile or not. Least you'll know where you stand!
I must be getting old....these games and he said/she said things wear me out! 0 -
Corkblowin wrote: »Well I'm guessing that you're both going to be home for christmas - just come out and say it - I like you & want us to have a more committed relationship - or something like that. He'll either run a mile or not. Least you'll know where you stand!
I must be getting old....these games and he said/she said things wear me out!
I think this is the downside to Facebook mobile phones, etc years ago you had to speak to people face to face
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Do you think the "how about bringing me out for a drink" text was really desperate then Danniboo?
I know it probably all sounds ridiculous and silly to people reading this, but I liked him so much, and I left him the last time thinking he was going to ask to see me again, like he kissed me goodbye, and now I realised I was so wrong, and I am sitting here crying.0 -
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Thanks very much Fittle, honestly that means alot. I can see I made mistakes in the beginning. If a guy sees it as casual from the onset he's not likely to change. I have got to move on.
Thanks very much for your lovely post, honestly you've lifted my spirits 0 -
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I wouldn't be inclined to readily label him as a 'player'. In fact, he sounds very much like your typical young person who simply doesn't want a committed relationship. As a guy in my early twenties, it strikes me as strange the number of people - guys and gals - who are eschewing the more traditional boyfriend/girlfriend scenarios in favour of more flexible relationships. I don't like it myself, but I think it all comes down to managing your expectations, and the expectations of the other party.
The fact that you're disappointed suggests that you were after something a little more serious, despite seven months of being casual - to me, seven months is a long time to suffer ambiguity. I think that you may have gotten your hopes up, while he should have done a better job of setting expectations or clarifying his understanding of the situation. Not really sure that this makes him a player, though I can see why you might feel sad
If I might put things in perspective, I'd been 'seeing' a girl for almost two years(!) - on and off, casually and then more seriously, back and forth. She didn't once refer to me as her boyfriend, and didn't like being alluded to as my girlfriend. We had been getting on very well recently until she told me that she had slept with someone else at a party. I was pretty shocked at this, but her actual response was "Well, technically I did nothing wrong".
Here's the problem - it's tough to label relationships as casual/serious/committed etc. when peoples feelings are involved. We don't experience casual emotions, but rather intense, heart-felt and all-consuming emotions. Maybe you should try talking to this guy - face to face or on the phone, not via text, and not in a club. Manage your own expectations and give him the chance to manage yours. It'll probably give you an indicator as to the type of guy he is, even if you don't like what he has to say.0 -
Technicalscheknical wrote: »I wouldn't be inclined to readily label him as a 'player'. In fact, he sounds very much like your typical young person who simply doesn't want a committed relationship. As a guy in my early twenties, it strikes me as strange the number of people - guys and gals - who are eschewing the more traditional boyfriend/girlfriend scenarios in favour of more flexible relationships. I don't like it myself, but I think it all comes down to managing your expectations, and the expectations of the other party.
The fact that you're disappointed suggests that you were after something a little more serious, despite seven months of being casual - to me, seven months is a long time to suffer ambiguity. I think that you may have gotten your hopes up, while he should have done a better job of setting expectations or clarifying his understanding of the situation. Not really sure that this makes him a player, though I can see why you might feel sad
If I might put things in perspective, I'd been 'seeing' a girl for almost two years(!) - on and off, casually and then more seriously, back and forth. She didn't once refer to me as her boyfriend, and didn't like being alluded to as my girlfriend. We had been getting on very well recently until she told me that she had slept with someone else at a party. I was pretty shocked at this, but her actual response was "Well, technically I did nothing wrong".
Here's the problem - it's tough to label relationships as casual/serious/committed etc. when peoples feelings are involved. We don't experience casual emotions, but rather intense, heart-felt and all-consuming emotions. Maybe you should try talking to this guy - face to face or on the phone, not via text, and not in a club. Manage your own expectations and give him the chance to manage yours. It'll probably give you an indicator as to the type of guy he is, even if you don't like what he has to say.
Thank you so much. Honestly that's such a help to me. I was fine and not wondering anything over the seven months, I guess it is only really upsetting me now because obviously I have fallen for him.
We did have a chat about this ages ago (via text!) after the first time we slep togther and I was like what is going on. I said "what do you want, we're all adults here", and he said "I do really like you, I just don't know what I want at the minute, don't really want anything serious, I'll tell you why again".
And I was like "okay but I don't want to do this "casual" anymore". And then we left it for a good few months. And I was absolutely fine with it. We're ages away for a start.
Met each other out in a club and the attraction kicked off all over again. And he chased me round the club. Like I swear to God I've never felt attraction like it. Not even attraction, more like I feel 'love' looking at him. I know that's really stupid. I spose that's why I feel so vulnerable, I just don't know! And then one of his friends asked ME what was going on and said "are you taking it slow?" so of course I over analysed that aswell!
I'm sure he's happy to keep it extremely casual. And he thinks I'm okay with that. And I'm not now.
I've said to him about meeting up for a drink, and he hasn't replied. TBH I'm not really surprised, he's known as a bit of a commitmentphobe.
And now I realise it's not what I want (casual), I need to cut it off altogether. right? Be strong, and don't let my heart rule my head.
Thanks v.much for your lovely words of support, hopefully if you ever have a problem you will post it on here and I can be of some help to you. 0 -
midlandsmissus wrote: »I guess it is only really upsetting me now because obviously I have fallen for him.
Maybe, maybe not. I get kinda down if I think that people I'm close with are ignoring me, though it doesn't necessarily mean that I harbour deep feelings for them or that they're doing it intentionally. It's nice to be thought of, especially at Christmas. I'd never get intimate with a girl and ignore her outright though, that's just callous in my opinion.midlandsmissus wrote: »We did have a chat about this ages ago (via text!) after the first time we slep togther and I was like what is going on. I said "what do you want, we're all adults here", and he said "I do really like you, I just don't know what I want at the minute, don't really want anything serious, I'll tell you why again".
And I was like "okay but I don't want to do this "casual" anymore". And then we left it for a good few months. And I was absolutely fine with it. We're ages away for a start.
I think texts are too easy. It's easy to appear sincere or decisive when you're not speaking directly with someone or looking them in the eye. I'm also of the opinion that any young person who tells you that they like you but that they don't want anything serious is telling you that they like sleeping with you and anyone else they can. Again, this doesn't make them a bad person - it's just hugely socially acceptable these days. So at this point you've told him you don't want to do 'casual'...midlandsmissus wrote: »Met each other out in a club and the attraction kicked off all over again. And he chased me round the club. Like I swear to God I've never felt attraction like it. Not even attraction, more like I feel 'love' looking at him. I know that's really stupid. I spose that's why I feel so vulnerable, I just don't know! And then one of his friends asked ME what was going on and said "are you taking it slow?" so of course I over analysed that aswell!
....but now you're right back where you were before the quasi-serious conversation. Don't get me wrong, I know exactly how this can happen, especially on a night out after a few drinks. But if it's not the scenario you want, you might want to try avoiding situations like this where there's the potential to hook-up.midlandsmissus wrote: »I'm sure he's happy to keep it extremely casual. And he thinks I'm okay with that. And I'm not now.
Well there's the problem in a nutshell. So you can either keep things casual or pitch something more serious and see how he reacts. It's not a crazy request eithermidlandsmissus wrote: »I've said to him about meeting up for a drink, and he hasn't replied.
Sure but give him a chance, a Christmas drink isn't a big commitment. Might be a nice chance to clear a few things up.midlandsmissus wrote: »TBH I'm not really surprised, he's known as a bit of a commitmentphobe.
And now I realise it's not what I want (casual), I need to cut it off altogether. right? Be strong, and don't let my heart rule my head.
I'm a little bit curious at this - if he has a reputation as a 'commitmentphobe', were you expecting things to be different between you and he? I don't think you need to cut it off altogether. You mightn't want a casual relationship, but that doesn't mean you have to delete his phone number of block him on Facebook or anything like that - I think you'll come out of it looking far more mature and sensible if you recognise that you both want different things and that you can still be cordial.
Btw, when my ex broke up with me a few years ago, I took it very badly, and when I ran in to her with another guy, I was very upset. In a desperate attempt at a symbolic exorcism, I took some of the books she had left in my house and burned them in a waste-paper bin in my garage. My dad came by mid-way through the ritual and fell around the place laughing at me when he realised what I was doing! Lesson learned, avoid unnecessary drama.midlandsmissus wrote: »Thanks v.much for your lovely words of support, hopefully if you ever have a problem you will post it on here and I can be of some help to you.
Haha, that'd be one huge commitment on your part! Please don't let this spoil Christmas for you.
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midlandsmissus wrote: »
Hiya I know,
Also I've never said "falling in love" to him, but I'm thinking it myself.
To answer the question, I have slept with him once when he invited me over to his place at the very beginning. Since then we have just been meeting up in clubs when we're both home, never slept with him since.. Maybe I have given him the opinion that I didn't want anything serious either.
I suppose I shouldn't be so quick to call him a bastard, and just accept the fact that he can lose interest like myself, and try and be more adult about it?
I guess I'm just so hurt because he was so so all over me that night, and so nice, and I've never felt that connection with anyone, and then he's been distinctly unfriendly since. And I'm worried I'm a mug.
And also I guess I'm hurt because I've realised I've really developed feelings for him, and with his rep as a player I'm over analysing and overly that I'm the next notch on the bedpost?
Anyway I haven't a feckin clue, I did text him two days ago and decided to ask him out once and for all and try and be all cheeky and funny about it tho. There was a situation the last time I saw him where I kinda rescued him from a situation ,so I texted him two days ago and said "I basically saved your life there, I think you owe me, I think bringing me out for a drink would make up for it ", and I have heard nothing back.
Looking back it's not all his fault I've prob been sending mixed signals aswell. Since I've asked him out properly now I guess i'll see one way or antoher once and for all.
In my opinion, that looks REALLY desperate. You're begging him to ask you out, after you've already messed around and he's been sending one line replies to your texts? He's not interested. Not even a little bit.0 -
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Nancy Weak Rumba wrote: »midlandsmissus wrote: »
In my opinion, that looks REALLY desperate. You're begging him to ask you out, after you've already messed around and he's been sending one line replies to your texts? He's not interested. Not even a little bit.
Thanks Nancy Weak Rumba, nice to read that to add to my already bruised self esteem...so I looked desperate,
As another poster said here, so many people are ambiguous these days, and are happy to keep everything casual, I thought I would just ask him and see once and for all.
It's not like we were total strangers who fooled around one weekend, we know each other a long time, and he was all friendly the last time I saw him, sying he really really liked me etc.,
TBh I'm glad I said it to him straight out: do you want to go out or not, least now I know, and can aim to move on... I still feel like a stupid f*cking ejit abt it all tho!0 -
midlandsmissus wrote: »Nancy Weak Rumba wrote: »
Thanks Nancy Weak Rumba, nice to read that to add to my already bruised self esteem...so I looked desperate,
Harsh I know, but true. You should NEVER have to beg a guy to go out with you. If he was even a little bit interested, he'd have suggested meeting up again after the first few texts, or at least shown some enthusiasm. I would be of the opinion that, there's so many guys in the world, so many people would appreciate you, why chase around after someone who can't even be bothered to send proper replies to your messages?As another poster said here, so many people are ambiguous these days, and are happy to keep everything casual, I thought I would just ask him and see once and for all.
It's not like we were total strangers who fooled around one weekend, we know each other a long time, and he was all friendly the last time I saw him, sying he really really liked me etc.,
TBh I'm glad I said it to him straight out: do you want to go out or not, least now I know, and can aim to move on... I still feel like a stupid f*cking ejit abt it all tho!
I think you just have to rely on your instincts. I've always found that if a guy was interested, I'd know it. I'd get prompt/long/witty replies to texts, quickly asked if I wanted to meet up again soon and things just happen easily and naturally. Someone who sends one line texts and waits hours to reply just isn't bothered. I don't think you need to beg the person to ask you out, to me it's just fuelling their ego, but each to their own and all that.0 -
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