Mistress - could offend

LegacyUser

I am going unreg here.

Before I begin, I don't want abuse, I know to a degree what I am contemplating is wrong but I really like this guy, however I am under no illusion he will leave her for me, he just makes me feel good and sexy and I really fancy him.

I know this is a dodgy subject so please don't hurl abuse at me, I am single. He said it is his problem he is married, not mine.

I want advice on how to be a successful mistress. Please don't get angry by this. I have been cheated on by guys who have said 'it meant nothing' which is more hurtful than if someone means something. I know it sounds awful but we like each other and I want to know what rules there are.

He said he wants us to get to know each other properly before sleeping together so it isn't going to be seedy. We have both agreed on this. We are not friends with benefits, this is a full blown affair. I want to be the other woman.

We need to open our eyes and know this goes on. I just want to hear people's experiences, even if you have to go unreg.

Sorry if this upsets anyone. I have to reiterate I have been cheated on a lot with ONSs and maybe this is why I am doing this, I have control and am fully aware where I stand rather than being with a married man who is pretending to be single, like I have been numerous times.

pwd

<snip>

Ickle Magoo

pwd banned for abuse and inappropriate language.

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP and reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner.

If you have an issue with a post or poster, please use the report function rather than dragging the thread off-topic.

Please take the time to read the forum rules in the charter.

Many thanks.
Ickle

beks101

You don't really believe you want to do this and that's why you're posting here. If you were fully secure in the decision to do it, you
wouldn't bother creating a thread that you know will incite emotive and probably aggressive responses from other posters - you'd simply get on with it.

You've been cheated on repeatedly with various men in your life and you want revenge. To be honest, who could blame you. Cheating is one of the most hurtful, demeaning, disrespectful things that anyone can do to someone and the experience of it never leaves you. Some people develop trust issues, avoid relationships or become more savvy to the red flags in future relationships; some others act out. That is the path that you are contemplating and if you choose it, you're going to set yourself up for more misery than you've ever experienced in your life. Not only at the hands of this man, but by your own hand in allowing yourself to become the 'other woman.'

You don't want to be the 'other woman', you want to hurt all those who have hurt you. You want someone else to be hurt the way you have been hurt because in some way it might validate how you've been treated. And you want the seduction, the sneaking around and the romance without the commitment and hard work and reality of a real relationship. He's just another married aRsehole who wants to get his hole without any repercussions.

No self respecting woman would put up with that. By basically accepting someone else's sloppy seconds, you're reaffirming your belief that you're not worth enough for any guy to ever fully commit to you. You're sacrificing your morals and principles to do something that you've already said you know is wrong, to pass on your pain to another woman, because let's face it, they always find out. You're risking your emotional health, your happiness, your reputation, your future, to name but a few, and you really think that it's 'his problem, not mine'?

And quit the 'we need to open our eyes and know this goes on' bullsh1t. Yes, a lot of people cheat, you've suffered at the hands of that so should know too well how much this weak and selfish act destroys lives. But now you are likely going to pimp yourself out to the cause. Becoming the other woman is the worst thing you could do to yourself right now, what you need is a course of counselling to deal with the deep trust, self esteem and confidence issues you have before they tear you down even further.

Memnoch

OP,
How many "Other women," do you think have been given the impression that they are the one for him? They he will leave her for you. That this means more than just a casual fling.

Do you really think this guy will destroy his family for you somewhere down the road?

The greater likelyhood is that he will have his fun with you and string you along for as long as you let him and he doesn't get caught.

Yes, there is the odd urban legend of the "cheating" couple ending up together forever. But statistically the chances are slim and the above scenarios are far more likely.

Also, it will probably be pointed out repeatedly that a man who is willing to have an affair on his current partner might not hesitate to do the same to you somewhere down the line.

Lastly, if he REALLY cares for you that much why doesn't he end this relationship now so ye can start fresh and have a real go at it without the shadow of his other life hanging over ye?

Or is it a case that he needs to try out the new car before he takes the old one back to the garage?

As for being a successful mistress. Well, don't expect anything, and be ready for him to drop you at the drop of a hat if/when it suits him. Chances of this being true love are very low and I'm not saying this to be judgemental, it's just the nature of the beast.

OS119

sunflower27 wrote: »

...And just because you have been cheated on doesnt give you the right to hurt another innocent woman. Karma's a b!tch and it'll bite you where it hurts, your broken heart.

the OP isn't cheating on the wife, her husband is. if the husband can cheat with the OP he can cheat with someone else - so the sum of 'hurt' in the world won't be affected by whether the OP has an affair with this bloke or someone else does. if the OP is aware of the possible consequences of the affair going well, as well as going badly, then she may as well grab some happiness while she can.

'Karma' is a made-up device the weak-minded use to protect themselves from the reality that they have failed to protect their own interests. santa claus for grown-ups.

Katgurl

Well OP if you're going to do this at least go in with your eyes open & understand how this is likely to play out.

1)You won't be able to contact him or dictate a schedule for pair of you. It'll be his timetable you both need to work around. So you'll miss out on the random texts / calls when you just want to hear his voice. I'd say have your together time laid out & leave him alone the rest of the time.

2) Stay out of his marriage. Don't let yourself become his therapist listenign to him offload his problems with his wife. Don't drive yourself mad wondering about them having sex or whatever.

3) Prepare for this to end. It will end eventually and you will need to be very honest with youorself about person you really are. If there is any likelihood of you losing the head and blabbing to the wife, then cut it off right now. People's lives could be destroyed.

4) Don't be fooled by the intensity. The timeframes are different to straightforward relationships and things will feel a lot more serious.

Kimia

Well Op you asked how to be the perfect mistress. Here you go.

Never expect anything of him. Never expect to be number one. You are nothing but a convenient and easy lay for him when the going gets tough with his wife and family. You will never be together on birthdays, christmas, etc because remember he has a family for that. You may develop feelings and feel like you deserve more but don't be fooled, you are the mistress so you are not allowed have these feelings so make sure to never mention them to him so that you don't pressure him needlessly or he will leave you for a better mistress.

Never expect to be loved, or cherished, or have any kind of a proper relationship with him. Don't bother thinking about yourself because if you're his mistress the only thing that matters is his happiness and how he carries on his secret life - you must protect that at all costs because he never wants to leave his 'real' life - you are just a nice diversion when things get a bit boring with the wife.

Never expect him to be there for you when you're sick, or when you are depressed, because that's unimportant details to him - again you are not a girlfriend and will get none of that caring respect. Don't expect to call him when someone close to you dies to hold you while you cry because he'll probably be busy with his family, and anyway - that's against the rules remember?

But at least you'll know all this so you'll be in control of your own misery. Best of luck with it.

OS119

sunflower27 wrote: »

I've seen Karma....

you've actually seen the hand of a supernatural diety who consistantly takes revenge on those who have wronged others? wow, you must be really famous.

Silverfish

Alright, let's keep things on topic and helpful to the OP, please.

Oryx

OP, no matter how clued in you make yourself sound here, you are walking into a disaster. You may well get the highs and excitement of an affair, but you will also get the crashing lows. And I guarantee you that this will break your heart eventually just as youve had your heart broken by being cheated on yourself. Affairs cause pain and the mistress does not escape unscathed. You are not Belle du Jour, this is not fantasy and you cant just shrug the emotion off.

You and this man are talking the talk about being all sensible and respecting each other, but sure as theres a sun in the sky, youll end up in tears over him. He falls for you, he ends up torn and most likely dumping you. He doesnt fall for you, you end up rejected and used. You really think youre strong enough to walk away from someone you invest your mind, body and feelings in, when it all gets messy? Youll want to have a very tough heart to do that, and if youre already saying you dont want him as a fb, then youre already lost. Im simply looking at this as you wanted, from your perspective and the effect it will have on you, not him, his wife, or the morals of the thing. If you pursue this, prepare for pain and lonliness and feeling cheap.

Even if you happened to get the fairytale and he swears undying love, achieving a place where you can have that will involve putting his life through a meat grinder and he wont be the same man at the end of it.

As someone said above, dont sell yourself short like this, dont use this situation as some kind of revenge for what happened to you. Because you are the one who will get hurt.

LegacyUser

Best thing is to make sure you enjoy it

I wouldn't be worried about his situation, once you are ok with it that's all that matters

the sex will be wild and very exciting and hot, you can revel in the role of the other woman and the freedom it allows you (once you realise that your always second place).

I would not rule out any other men while your having the affair, it's a nice stopgap to have, but also be open to meeting others, he has his life at home, you can have yours.

I was the other person for 3 years, I fully enjoyed it but I was very practical in my approach and did what suited me, not just him.

We now are actually together, as he left his wife to be with me, people here will now say that 'he did it before, he'll do it to you', 'karma will catch up' blah blah

but the bottom line is I've had a great few years, I now am in a great place, if that goes belly up then so be it, I'm not worried about what might happen, if it does then it does, it was worth every second.

All I will say is to ignore the other woman in this. I don't and never did think about her, it's essentially a competition, you do what you have to do to win, that's it. The end always justifies the means once he end is what you want to acheive.

Good luck, go for it, enjoy it, worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes ! And most of all ignore the hysteria brigade and the politiciallu correct mantra they will drone out here. You do what you want, nothing else is relevant.

x

Wagon

mistress? wrote: »

I am going unreg here.

Before I begin, I don't want abuse, I know to a degree what I am contemplating is wrong but I really like this guy, however I am under no illusion he will leave her for me, he just makes me feel good and sexy and I really fancy him.

Ok.

I know this is a dodgy subject so please don't hurl abuse at me, I am single. He said it is his problem he is married, not mine.

Wrong.

I want advice on how to be a successful mistress. Please don't get angry by this. I have been cheated on by guys who have said 'it meant nothing' which is more hurtful than if someone means something. I know it sounds awful but we like each other and I want to know what rules there are.

The general consensus is that anyone who is married is off limits. Anyway, if you've been hurt before by men, why are you helping to take it out on his wife?

And this is the wrong forum for wanting to know how to be a successful mistress. Open a thread in After Hours instead. Trust me. You'll get good advice there

He said he wants us to get to know each other properly before sleeping together so it isn't going to be seedy. We have both agreed on this. We are not friends with benefits, this is a full blown affair. I want to be the other woman.

It's funny, because if he really liked you as much as you're letting on, wouldn't he leave his wife?

We need to open our eyes and know this goes on. I just want to hear people's experiences, even if you have to go unreg.

Course it does. Absolutely. Doesn't make it right though.

Sorry if this upsets anyone. I have to reiterate I have been cheated on a lot with ONSs and maybe this is why I am doing this, I have control and am fully aware where I stand rather than being with a married man who is pretending to be single, like I have been numerous times.

So it's a case of "if you can't beat them, join them"?

Go for it, it's your life. But it will come out eventually. Enjoy that part too.

astra2000

Hi op you are going to waste time possibly years on a relationship that will go no where for you, would you not be better off putting your efforts into finding someone who will love you and only you. You say you are entering this relationship with open eyes but I dont think that you are taking into account the emotions that WILL follow, you may be able to be detached right now, but will that still be the case when your feelings for this man grow stronger and they will grow stronger. You have been hurt before do you really want to be someone that inflicts that sort of pain on someone else, just because you are not the married person does not make you any the less culpable, at the end of the day you too would be responsible for ruining this ladys life causing her pain and if there are kids involved having a role in ruining their childhood. Do you really want anything to do with a man who can so easily take the trust his wife has put in him and destroy it? Why do you think he will treat you anty different? He is manipulating you with the waiting to sleep together nonsense, this just makes him seem more noble to you, he is playing a game and it sounds like he has played it before.
I am concerned that you mentioned having married men use you for one night stands while pretending to be single, you have made it sound like this has happened a lot to you, THIS IS NOT THE NORM, is it possible you are the type of person who is easily duped and end up been taken advantage of? I would urge you to confide in someone who cares about you and will give you good advice.

Giblet

How to be a good mistress?
Open your legs on demand, do whatever sexual things he wants and get used to being a human meatsack, Everything else is window dressing, because that's what he wants. So he can then go home and live his life knowing he is getting his cake and eating it too.

Wompa1

Yeah this is abuse just an opinion but you'd have to be stupid to go through with this. You are posting here as alluded to by someone earlier because the doubts are there. It doesn't matter if you really fancy him, how much are your morals worth to you? The guy is married, how would you like it if your future husband did this to you? Seriously, look at what you typed and think what you'd advise the person to do.

There are plenty of other guys around.

Esoteric_

I get that you like this person and have no illusions about him leaving his wife, that's fair enough. You also say you've been hurt in the past by people cheating on you.

So I have to ask - if you know first hand just how much cheating hurts, why would you want to hurt some innocent woman the exact same way you were hurt?

Loopsie

He is married IE OFF BOUNDS. I am sorry OP but i am truly truly disgusted.
It is really delightful to know that there are women like you out there.
Fair enough you are single and he is the one who is married, but have a conscience, think of his wife and children. You would think the fact that you have been cheated on you would have some inkling of the pain that is involved, well mulitply that by a million when there is a marriage and children.
I really do hope you get your comeuppance OP, Karma really is a bitch but in this case you deserve it ten fold.
I cannot even comprehend how utterly disgusted i am.
You are nothing more than a cheap easy lay to him, have no pretence of being anything more than CHEAP.

aidan24326

mistress? wrote: »

He said he wants us to get to know each other properly before sleeping together so it isn't going to be seedy.

It cannot really be anything other than seedy. The sneaking around, him constantly lying to his wife, covering his tracks, you shagged like a hooker and then he runs home to the missus. Because you know that's almost invariably how it goes.

Will he ever leave the wife for you if it gets serious? Maybe, but probably not. They rarely do. And either way do you actually want to be that woman that wrecked somebody else's marriage? You say you've been cheated on yourself, so you know the hurt it can cause. If he wants to cheat on his wife then good luck to him, but it doesn't have to be you, and saying 'ah sure he'll just do it anyway with someone else' is not really a good excuse.

Enjoyitall wrote: »

You do what you want, nothing else is relevant.

That's a ridiculous thing to say. So we can all just do whatever we want now is that the way it is? Every man for himself and fcuk the consequences? You do realise the world would be a pretty sh1tty place to exist in if we all thought like that all the time. Thankfully most of us are not entirely as selfish as you.

Loopsie

That's a ridiculous thing to say. So we can all just do whatever we want now is that the way it is? Every man for himself and fcuk the consequences? You do realise the world would be a pretty sh1tty place to exist in if we all thought like that all the time. Thankfully most of us are not entirely as selfish as you.[/QUOTE]




Well said!
There are rules in this world for a reason be they moral rules, codes of conduct, whichever it is.
Op just try for one second to put yourself in his wifes shoes.......its xmas, a time for families, you are NOT his family, you are a shag nothing more nothing less. He is a dispicable person but dont let him drag you down with him. If you have a thread of decency in you you will walk away.
Grow some morals and get yourself an unattached man

LegacyUser

OP, forget karma, forget other people's opinions of you. Forget his wife. Forget him. Think of you for a second.
Will you be happy with part-time? Will you be happy to sit staring at the phone willing it to ring? Will you be happy hoping for a knock at the door? Will you be ok with not going out in public together? No holidays or weekends away? You may have some great moments when you are together but will the memory of them keep you warm at night? The good times will be much scarcer than the times spent waiting. When you fall for him, and chances are you will, you will end up in more pain than when you were cheated on. Because in this situation you will only have yourself to blame.
I'm not judging you. I've been there. The circumstances were different. Result was the same.

LegacyUser

Point of view from the cheat. Stay away. I used one lady and crushed another. Selfish, selfish, selfish. If he's got marriage problems let him deal with those himself. You have to be more than someones bit on the side. You deserve better.

However if you want to be the perfect mistress? Well?.......here goes;
Dress skimpy, learn to lap dance, be prepared to be a sexual deviant and do all the things his wife won't. Always wear your best underwear(or none). Be prepared to drop everything for a phonecall at any time. Forget cuddles, talking and dates. Tell him you understand how horrible his wife must be. Tell him how crazy his wife must be to let him out of her sight. Tell him that you'd let him play golf saturday and sunday because after all he'd be coming home to you. Oh and you'd be "waiting". Forget holidays, presents and be prepared for long weekends......alone. Lose your friends. They can't find out. Get used to sex in a carpark late at night. He can't be seen parking outside your place and hotels are too expensive. If I think of any more I'll repost.

LegacyUser

I'd forgotten how judgemental people can be till I read this post - I really had!!!

I've been a mistress OP and my advice to you would be, don't do it.

I say 'mistress', which I believe is just a way of making yourself feel better - giving yourself a 'title' so to speak. But I had an affair for almost 3yrs. I fooled myself that I enjoyed it - actually, I take that back, I did enjoy the attention he gave me, I did enjoy the sex, I did enjoy the presents. He wasn't rich - the presents weren't expensive - but he was paying me attention when nobody else was.

My biggest regret is the amount of time I spent with him, when I realise now that I should have been out there living my life, and not rearranging appointments, skipping work and going sick etc, all so I could be with him.

I also knew he'd never leave his wife and fooled myself into believing that I didn't want him to...fooled myself into believing that I was getting as much out of it as he was.

But hindsight is a wonderful thing OP.

We were never found out - he is still with his wife. He finally ended it when his wife got pregnant (though they hadn't been sleeping together..of course!!!) and I now spend my days trying to avoid him (we work together).

Sometimes I'm angry. Sometimes I'm sad. Mostly, I'm annoyed at myself. I've been to counselling in the past year, and of course, I have a very low opinion of myself, very low self esteem and self worth etc. Im not saying that's the excuse for having an affair, I'm just saying that it's common enough for women like me to convince themselves that an affair 'works' for us.

So my advice would be don't do it OP. You may never be found out, you might enjoy the sex, the attention and all the other bits, but ultimately, you are the loser. You have nothing to gain from it. Nothing. Don't do it OP, don't do it.

LegacyUser

Hello everybody. Sorry I haven't been on sooner, I don't have internet access at work.

Well I must say, I am pleasantly surprised by these responses. I was expecting all sorts of abuse but they are level headed and to the point replies and I appreciate that.

I have been hurt everytime I have met someone. This set up for me is good because I KNOW the truth, I won't be paranoid or upset about him having sex with his wife because he has been upfront with me from the start. I won't allow myself to fall for him, yes I fancy the pants of him and he is mad about me to the point of him dreaming about me and constantly texting/talking on facebook. I am beyond that point of caring anymore about why did he not call, I have had it too many times with other men. I want to take control and I know it is awful when you think of the wife but as previously mentioned, if it wasn't me, it would be someone else.

People have commented on the chemistry we have just over facebook. I have blocked his wife from seeing my profile anyway because he often leaves comments on my page and I don't want to cause trouble.

I am not expecting him to fall in love with me and leave his wife. I just want to be in a 'relationship' where I know exactly where I stand, I know he isn't lying about being married/single and am made to feel sexy and wanted again and he really does do that. Something of which I haven't had for a long time, and that is going for the unattached men who promise you the earth and let you down by lying.

I know this subject will ruffle a few feathers, but it is an important subject and I also hope that my thread can help others who are too scared to speak out.

I have male friends who every single one of their friends is playing away. It is all too common. I am in the frame of mind that what is the point in looking for love, giving my heart away again for it to be trampled on. I won't have that with him because I know where I stand and have no delusions whatsoever. If it came to it where I started to develop feelings for him, then I would nip it in the bud. Who is to say it will last any length of time anyway? It could fizzle out like any other relationship.

He is planning for us to have a night away in a hotel, what he tells his wife is none of my business but he said himself I have not to feel bad, because I have mentioned that it could make me look bad and he said he doesn't think that of me, he said he likes me to the point that it is doing his head in and he can't stop thinking about me. He said, his marriage, his problem. He is going into it with his eyes open as much as me.

Sorry if I have upset anyone but I am doing the same thing as I was with the men who were pretending to be single, their wives could have found out and been devastated, now it is all down to the person who is in the relationship. He did all the chasing, I didn't set out to be in this position but I really like him, as in we get on so well and we fancy each other a lot.

Novella

mistress? wrote: »

I have been hurt everytime I have met someone. This set up for me is good because I KNOW the truth, I won't be paranoid or upset about him having sex with his wife because he has been upfront with me from the start.

You do realise you could meet a man who is single, grow and learn to trust him and not be paranoid that he is sleeping with other women? Or you could have an open relationship with a single man, whereby he is allowed sleep with others and then you would also 'KNOW' the truth.

Tbh, what you are saying here sounds to me like total sugar coating. You want to put a nice little spin on doing something wrong, so you say you've been hurt, you say you're doing this to avoid upset etc. In reality, I'm guessing you just want to sleep with this man and ease your conscience.

He says it is not your problem that he is married. Is it his problem? Is marriage a problem now? The fact that he is married is a concern of yours if you are planning on sleeping with him, like it or like it not. Doing so would be, in my honest opinion, a horrible and an awful thing to do. If the fact that you've been cheated on previously truly did have such a huge impact on you, you would not go out of your way to put other women in your position.

metrovelvet

You want control and invulnerability.

You may get more than you bargain for.

However, he is lying and being deceitful and you are part of that, you are enabling him.

I hope he doesn't have kids.

LegacyUser

mistress? wrote: »

I just want to be in a 'relationship' where I know exactly where I stand, I know he isn't lying about being married/single and am made to feel sexy and wanted again and he really does do that. Something of which I haven't had for a long time, and that is going for the unattached men who promise you the earth and let you down by lying.

Be under no illusions OP this is not a relationship....it is an arrangement whereby he benefits greatly and everyone else loses.

Also you seem certain he thinks so highly of you and cannot bear for people to think badly of you? This is the same man who married someone else and is lying to her, what on earth makes you think he won't do the same to you?!!

Oryx

The only part of your last post that made me sigh was when you talked about him. How hes obsessed, mad about you, etc. You sure are falling for a cliched line. Hes not even being particularly imaginative. You are seeing this from the inside, where its covert and exciting and full of lust and need. From the outside its just a set of cliches from him and weak excuses from you. You try to sound like your eyes are open and your doing this as an act of empowerment, but from here it smacks of an angry woman doing the wrong thing because she is hurt. But this isnt about you having power, you're giving it away.

muboop1

see...

Here's my issue?

Aside from the obvious that is... i think the rest have that covered.

You want control...

How does this get you control? If anything you have less? As much as you say you aren't... this is all on HIS terms! He wants you to keep it secret, have you on demand etc...

You are his sex on demand... not vice versa. Say goodbye to self respect, control and dignity.


PS. Just so we are clear, being a male in a relationship who has never cheated.
What you are proposing disgusts me completely.

astra2000

Sorry to say this but I think I am correct in my original analysis you are easily duped he has manipulated you into believing you know what you are getting into, what a player:(. You say you have been hurt everytime you have met someone well that is going to happen again. In time you are going to look back at your actions and be so ashamed of yourself, your behaviour, your naievity, and your lack of self worth/respect. I really feel sorry for you because you are been used and are too blind to see it. This man is too slick and has obvious experience of what to do and say to get another notch on his bed post.
He is planning a night away in a hotel I thought ye were going to wait? Looks like he already knows your a sure thing.

Neyite

Other posters have covered what would be my reaction to your post, so I wont repeat the same stuff, but I do have one point to make.

When this gets out - and it usually does, your name will be mud. Dont kid yourself that he will get all the blame, people like to gossip about the mistress too. Irrespective of who is married here, you will be The One Who Split Them Up. You can protest all you like that if it was not you it would be someone else- and you would be right. But it will be you dealing with it.

We have all been through the deadbeat dates that have hurt us but most of us, someday, meet that kind, honourable, loyal person that we want to spend the rest of our lives with, and become very lucky when they feel the same.

When this affair ends, this situation you are getting into is something that has the potential to ensure that the only men who look at you from then on will be the ones who dont have a problem with you being a mistress, in other words, the ones with no morals. Nice guys will not want to know you. And women wont either - if one womans man is fair game to you, they wont let you near theirs.

In other words, have a think about the mistresses that got found out, and what people say about them, and then ask yourself if you can deal with it when it happens to you.

Yes, its old fashioned, and there may be exceptions to the rules, but by and large, people are pretty judgemental - most of us would not want to spend the rest of our lives with someone who was a party to deciet, lies, cheating, and deliberatly by their actions hurting others. When this ends, and you want to look for Mr. Right, this might come back to haunt you.

Penny Dreadful

OS119 wrote: »

the OP isn't cheating on the wife, her husband is. if the husband can cheat with the OP he can cheat with someone else - so the sum of 'hurt' in the world won't be affected by whether the OP has an affair with this bloke or someone else does. if the OP is aware of the possible consequences of the affair going well, as well as going badly, then she may as well grab some happiness while she can.

'Karma' is a made-up device the weak-minded use to protect themselves from the reality that they have failed to protect their own interests. santa claus for grown-ups.

While hurting someone else along the way. The woman who is unfortunate enough to be married to this man is going to be hurt by her husband and (as she will see it) his cheap tart.............being a mistress is seedy.

Penny Dreadful

Oryx wrote: »

OP, no matter how clued in you make yourself sound here, you are walking into a disaster. You may well get the highs and excitement of an affair, but you will also get the crashing lows. And I guarantee you that this will break your heart eventually just as youve had your heart broken by being cheated on yourself. Affairs cause pain and the mistress does not escape unscathed. You are not Belle du Jour, this is not fantasy and you cant just shrug the emotion off.

You and this man are talking the talk about being all sensible and respecting each other, but sure as theres a sun in the sky, youll end up in tears over him. He falls for you, he ends up torn and most likely dumping you. He doesnt fall for you, you end up rejected and used. You really think youre strong enough to walk away from someone you invest your mind, body and feelings in, when it all gets messy? Youll want to have a very tough heart to do that, and if youre already saying you dont want him as a fb, then youre already lost. Im simply looking at this as you wanted, from your perspective and the effect it will have on you, not him, his wife, or the morals of the thing. If you pursue this, prepare for pain and lonliness and feeling cheap.

Even if you happened to get the fairytale and he swears undying love, achieving a place where you can have that will involve putting his life through a meat grinder and he wont be the same man at the end of it.

As someone said above, dont sell yourself short like this, dont use this situation as some kind of revenge for what happened to you. Because you are the one who will get hurt.

And even if, by some remote chance this actually happens, will you ever be able to trust him not to cheat on you? Why on earth would you?

LegacyUser

OP I totally get where you are coming from and I see so much of me in your original post.
Like you I was fed up with meeting men who were players, cheaters etc. and pretending to be something they weren't.

I met someone four years ago who I had amazing sexual chemistry with but he was attached. Like the guy you fancy, he was significantly attached. I was tempted for a year but kept saying no because I felt guilty for his partner.

However, a year later I caved. There was something refreshing about not worrying about lies, cheating and trust. I didn't have to trust him - it wasn't a 'relationship.'

We carried on for 3 years. He eventually left his partner. I was delighted - not because I wanted him myself but for his partner - she didn't deserve what he was doing to her.

Now I have to say, I don't regret the sex, it was the best of my life. However, I recognise that the whole thing was very unhealthy!!! While I was kidding myself that I had control, I was actually damaging my self esteem - by settling for someone because I was afraid to get hurt in a proper relationship. That's really unhealthy and well, not normal really.

I'm not going to beat you up over the whole infidelity thing as I disagree with others who have done that to you (your job is not to protect his marriage - that's his job! and i think some of the comments criticizing you are based in fear from those who feel they can control the fear they have about a partner cheating by telling single people to stay away from 'their man'). I think he's the one cheating not you so it's not about morals....it's about self-respect and believing you deserve better.

You are giving out mixed signals in terms of what you want here and I think you're kidding yourself a little and setting yourself up for a fall - you actually WANT feelings to develop - it's not just about sex and that's the problem here.

So just have a think about what you really want out of life....out of relationships. Is this the type of relationship you want? Really? deep down?

Zen65

mistress? wrote: »

I just want to be in a 'relationship' where I know exactly where I stand, I know he isn't lying about being married/single and am made to feel sexy and wanted again and he really does do that.

Op, your honesty is most refreshing.

I strongly believe that what you want is what you say you want..... to feel wanted, to feel sexy, to be the woman he really desires.

My fear for you is that after a time you will realise that he is no different from the players you have met in the past and who have hurt you. They hurt you because they only wanted a quick thrill, and they did not want the full you.

This man does not want the full you. He is at least honest about that. He wants your beauty, your physical presence, your sexy body, and nothing more. He is rejecting all the other parts of you which make you the interesting and unique person that you really are. He does not want to share any of himself, other than his physical presence, his body & his urges. He does not intend to share his own time, his own feelings (other than lust) nor any of your own life. He cares not for your feelings, nor will he have feelings for you beyond being a great sexual release for him.

That's all very well if it is what you want; if you want that part of you is wanted while another part of you is rejected.

Despite what some posters may think of you, I think you come across as a very genuine woman who has been hurt by relationships and now wishes to protect herself from further hurt by denying who she is and placing her body in a relationship while the rest of her, including her desires and feelings, her wishes and loves, remain in a limbo where they will experience neither hurt nor joy. This works for a few people, but for a short time only. Eventually the woman that is really you will want more and move on, or will die quietly while her body gives itself away to the next player who plays the right game.

Be at peace,

Z

aidan24326

Well if you've made your mind up just go for it then, it seems you've simply ignored most of the advice you've been given here anyway, so it's difficult to know why you bothered starting this thread at all.

Go have your affair, and god knows it might work out alright against the odds. But you're still deluding yourself about the pitfalls in all this, which are:

1) that you'll get hurt again

2)the inevitable sh1tstorm when his wife finds out, which she very well might.

Darlughda

Gosh. The OP repeatedly asked for advice not abuse.

Unbelievable how nasty some posters on this thread have been. Says more about them than anything else.

OP, get hold of his mobile phone and take down some numbers-especially family and work stuff. You will need some insurance.

Lady von Purple

Hi OP. I wasn't going to post on this threat because there's already three pages of posts, most of them along very similar lines. But one thing strikes me here- You could do with some counselling. Wanting a relationship where you know where you stand, as you put it, is one thing. A lot of people avoid relationships for fear of getting hurt, or because they've already been hurt too many times. So it's understandable, wanting a relationship where you won't get hurt because you already know how it's going to end- at some stage, with you single and him back with his wife, no hard feelings. Presuming nobody finds out. Big presumption, but that's what you seem to be working off. So yeah, that makes sense. Why I suggest you see a counsellor- an affair with a married man is not the only way to have the type of relationship you want. There are plenty of other men out there who could make you feel just as sexy and who would be delighted to have a casual no-strings relationship. But instead of deciding you need a f**k buddy, you're going after a married man. Pure speculation here, but you use your being cheated on as validation for this, you focus on it a lot. Kinda seems like you want another woman to be in that horrible position you've been in, maybe so you can feel like you're not the only one this has happened to, so you're the powerful one in a relationship for once, so you hold the cards and you can't get hurt? Lady, if any of this is the case, that's a bit malicious. You shouldn't want any other women to feel the way you've been made feel. Yes, some men are bastards. And a lot aren't. Tell the married man to find himself another toy to play with- because, trust me, you'll still be the toy, you'll just think you're not, get yourself some counselling, find yourself a f**k buddy or something, and try and figure out why you attract losers. Because all men aren't like your previous boyfriends and this dirtbag. And eventually you could find the love of your life and bloody well trust him. Of course, if you're absolutely determined to wreck a marriage, go ahead. But don't kid yourself that it's all on him and that you're not complicit in his cheating. You know he's married, and you're one half of an affair. So I hope his wife finds out and ditches him. And I hope that then you realise you need to work through those issues! Best of luck anyway. Hope nobody's life gets too ruined.

LegacyUser

OP, it seems you're content with the situation now.

Remember this is the situation NOW.

One potential scenario which you might want to think about... what if you get pregnant?

Would you like your child to play second fiddle too? Would you like your child to be born into a world immediately knowing that he/she is going to be irrelevant to his father, and that you could have potentially stopped this by looking for a single guy?

Really think about this one, I worked with a guy a few months back who was the son of a father who had an affair, and trust me he spent more time counselling his mother than having a childhood.

Let me know.

aidan24326

Darlughda wrote: »

Gosh. The OP repeatedly asked for advice not abuse.

Unbelievable how nasty some posters on this thread have been. Says more about them than anything else.

She actually got very little abuse considering the nature of this thread.

Telling somebody the plain hard truth isn't abusing them. Only a couple of posters were actually nasty, and in fairness it's not as if the OP herself didn't give them some ammunition to shoot her with. She said herself she expected alot more grief than she got.

OP, get hold of his mobile phone and take down some numbers-especially family and work stuff. You will need some insurance.

Forgive me if I'm missing something here but that seems to me a bizarre suggestion. Why on earth would she want his personal and family phone numbers? To do what? Ring his mother for a chat? She knows she will not be part of his life in that way and accepts it, for now anyway.

cafecolour

mistress? wrote: »

I have been hurt everytime I have met someone. This set up for me is good because I KNOW the truth, I won't be paranoid or upset about him having sex with his wife because he has been upfront with me from the start. I won't allow myself to fall for him, yes I fancy the pants of him and he is mad about me to the point of him dreaming about me and constantly texting/talking on facebook. I am beyond that point of caring anymore about why did he not call, I have had it too many times with other men. I want to take control and I know it is awful when you think of the wife but as previously mentioned, if it wasn't me, it would be someone else.
...
He did all the chasing, I didn't set out to be in this position but I really like him, as in we get on so well and we fancy each other a lot.

You can't "not allow yourself to fall for him", it's impossible. You already fancy him, and further exposure (and sex) will just make you fall hard.

Then your paranoid tendencies will kick in, and, even though you've gotten yourself accustom to playing second fiddle to his wife, you'll start getting paranoid that he has another mistress (which he may eventually) and freaking out about that. You'll feel wronged, but also tell yourself you have no legitimate reason to feel wronged, which will make it worse.

It's definitely possible to be a 'good mistress; (though more so in countries like France or Russia, where having one is often accepted). You are not it at all, are constiutionally incapable of being a good mistress, and I'd suggest getting some therapy to resolve your issues - rather than being so desperate that you jump on any man who pays you attention and then convince yourself that you're actually in control.

astra2000

Darlughda wrote: »

Gosh. The OP repeatedly asked for advice not abuse.

Unbelievable how nasty some posters on this thread have been. Says more about them than anything else.

OP, get hold of his mobile phone and take down some numbers-especially family and work stuff. You will need some insurance.

Now that is nasty and disguisting says a lot about you if this is how you would behave.
Op ignore that bit of advice its malicious.

Squiggler

A cousin of mine went down this route, twice. Once with a married man and the second time with a very rich man who's mother had very specific ideas of what would make him a good wife, and my cousin wasn't it. My cousin, who has brains, and some talents, decided at some point that her best trait was her "bod" and that it would get her everything she wanted.

It did not.

Married Man came first. Cous had her own place and was financially secure. He spent increasing amounts of time there. She told herself that she was in control (like you she'd been hurt before, one ex had raped her before dumping her at a party in front of everyone they knew and calling her everything under the sun in the process). She wasn't going to put herself in the position of belonging to someone else and you can't belong to someone who belongs with someone else - that was her logic.

She fell for him, big time. Nights that he wasn't staying with her she went crazy thinking about him with his wife. She kept telling herself that he wasn't happy with his wife (which he kept telling her) and that there was no love or sex there. Two years into the affair he announced that his wife was pregnant after over a year of trying, that they were over the moon and that it was over. It took my cousin years to recover. She made three suicide attempts, kept calling and texting him. Basically my normally very together and stable cousin turned into a psycho.

The second one... from the very beginning he made it clear to her that they could never marry. His mother wouldn't approve. She was his recognised "mistress". He'd take her on business trips, they stayed in the biggest and poshest places, she'd travel with him for months on end, he paid for everything, bought her designer clothes, fed her one the most expensive food. And she kept telling herself it was because he loved her. When she became pregnant and he offered to pay for an abortion and provide her with a monthly income she flipped. She knew he wanted a child (and heir) and had assumed that if she was providing it he would marry her. Now she realised that she was just a prostitute as far as he was concerned, and now an inconvenience and possible embarrassment. When she refused his offer he dumped her.

Her life is ruined. She has no self respect, she treats all men like dogs and so doesn't recognise the good ones even when they're standing right in front of her. Now 45 she has two children, by two different fathers, neither of which are in the picture anymore. And all the partying combined with 2 pregnancies has definitely taken it's toll on herr "bod".

She's older than me, and from an early age I've witnessed her slowly ruining her life through bad choices. Thanks to the terrible warning she has been I've never been tempted to make similar mistakes.

At the end of the day OP you will make your own decision. Never invest more in anything than you are willing to lose completely and don't play games in relationships. You don't know what the other persons rules are.

LegacyUser

Op, i was you, three years ago, i could have written your opening post.

i was jaded and tired of being messed around by men. i wanted sex, without the hassle and stress of a relationship. i hit on the bright idea that a married man would provide that for me, that he would never want commitment etc. i swore i would not allow myself to fall for him. win-win i thought.

and it was good, for a while. the sex was great. the lack of pressure, "whats he thinking about us" etc. but another kind of pressure came to light - the secrecy and deception. lying to family and friends so i could meet him. lying at work (we were work colleagues). constantly trying to be one step ahead so you can plan time together. having my phone surgically attached to me. hoping he wouldnt forget to delete a text i sent him.

his wife suspected he was cheating. so she used follow his car, ring him a lot, pick up the extension and listen in if he was on the phone at home.

that was real scary, knowing if she twigged who i was she had the potential to ruin my life, by telling my work colleagues (and yes, i know, i was potentially ruining her life by my actions)

the fear of being caught is all-consuming. we occasionally went out for meals, once we even went to west cork for a few days. looking over your shoulder teh whole time is no joke. its wearying. honestly, it is.

and of course, i fell in love, despite all my intentions of not allowing myself to do so. its not nice to know your lover, the man you love, is sleeping with someone else.to know she has a life with him that you will never have.

i thought i was being all modern 21st century go-getting in having the affair.

what a fool i was.

it was sordid. it was seedy.

knowing what i know now, i would never have another affair.

its not worth it.

its the biggest regret i have in my life.

Jennifurball

Only briefly looked over this thread but all I can say is, the word marriage doesn't make someone a total twat, maybe he got married 10 years ago and this girl has knocked him for six.

I was with someone for 3 years who cheated on me many times, would people be giving the same advice to him cos we weren't married? Or less resistence cos I was merely engaged? Being married isn't the be all and end all, we can't judge. As I said, he could have been married once and met this girl who blew him away.

If you are 100% happy with this, just be confident and happy in your body, give him what you and him want. That way, you are getting experience and confidence from something you had dragged out of you by your past, jeez I should know. I know where you are coming from and if this set up suits you, go for it, just don't feel you have to do it to protect your feelings. It's all about sex and that is it, don't be looking into everything. Just enjoy it for what it is. The more you concentrate on your enjoyment, the more confidence you gain and the better class of man you will attract.

Reesy

OP, I'll leave out my opinion on your actions, because you don't want them, & others have expressed these views.

One thing: do you want to be in a long-term monogamous relationship someday? If so, set a time limit for the affair, or make this man #2 in your life as he is treating you. An affair / being a mistress is attractive to you in the short term, but be aware that every day committed to it is a day of missed opportunity to reach your long-term goal. I won't wish you good luck, because I'd be lying, sorry.

Boskowski

Who says everybody wants a 'long term goal' and exactly what everybody else wants.

Seriously you're all some boring bunch tearing someone else's opinion to shreds because they don't fit into your own view of life.

Not everybody wants a wife/husband, three kids, a dog and a house in the suburbs watching Corrie and Super Sunday happily ever after. Did that ever occur to you?

curlzy

Boskowski wrote: »

Who says everybody wants a 'long term goal' and exactly what everybody else wants.

Seriously you're all some boring bunch tearing someone else's opinion to shreds because they don't fit into your own view of life.

Not everybody wants a wife/husband, three kids, a dog and a house in the suburbs watching Corrie and Super Sunday happily ever after. Did that ever occur to you?

People are not tearing her to shreads for not wanting a husband, 3 kids, a dog and a house, in fact NO ONE is tearing her to shreds at all. They're just expressing their disgust at her planning on having an affair with a married family man based on the pathetic idea that it's ok to destroy other people's lives because she's been messed around by guys. See the difference?:rolleyes:

Ickle Magoo

Boskowski infracted for off-topic and unhelpful posting.

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP and reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner. All posters are entitled to give their opinions on topics posters choose to post in PI as long as they do so while respecting the charter.

If you have an issue with a post or poster, please use the report function rather than dragging the thread off-topic.

Please take the time to read the forum rules in the charter.

Many thanks.
Ickle

LegacyUser

Sounds like you are going to do it anyway, and in a hotel too. Thats either gonna be hot or seedy.
Well heres the male perspective, as in, I was once a dirty cheater with a lovely young lady like yourself.
Surprise! It fizzled out after 3 months, I'm still with the wife and much much happier for it.
I got my mad mid life crisis sex needs out of the way and re-dedicated myself to my wife.
Never looked back.
To me it was just sex, and feeling attractive and flatterered by a younger womans attention.
She, of course, wanted more and started taking bigger risks, so I was out of there.
Of course I dont get the sex I want, but I've learnt to live with that.
I was terrible at it as well. I'm an awful liar (Wonder if he will phone his wife or if she will phone him or ask why she couldnt get hold of him on your first night?)
Felt guilty pretty much all of the time. Hated going out in public even when a 100 miles away (You never know who you might meet)
Didnt take any pics of her and wouldnt let her take any of me.
In short became nervous and paranoid and exhausted.
(Its one thing to want more sex, but when you get it, man its tiring after a while!)
And its expensive!

Oh, you wanted tips.
Dont ask him any personal questions that might let the guilt rise up.
He's there for a holiday from all that real life stuff.
Dont ask him about sex with his wife, does she do what you do with him? etc.
Dont want to be out in public with him.
Do dress up for him, do the whole fantasy thing
Do remember the contraception - that will put his mind at ease
Do be exciting and inventive in bed - thats the whole reason he is there
Dont expect much at xmas, birthdays etc

Yes I was a cheating bastard, but my wife is the woman I love and who I will always love

fallen01angel

To OP, I have to admit I was genuinely horrified to read your 1st post,I can't believe that any self respecting female would degrade herself in such a manner.I think this situation is directly linked to your past experience with cheating men-you appear to have decided that if you have no expectations from the beginning that you will be in control,that is not the case-he will ALWAYS ALWAYS dicate the when/where and how you will have zero say in this "relationship",you think you won't get emotionally involved-there's a very high chances you will.
I had a FWB recently,both of us were single,no one was being harmed until the day I realised I could end up falling for this guy and where would it go.....no where,I knew the "Rules" before we started,hell I'd written half of them but emotions don't follow rules so I did what was right for me-I walked away,with a little bit of self disgust,knowing I (and everybody deserves better) had,for a short period of time sold myself so short.It's going to be similar for you but on a much larger scale,you will never be anything other than his bit on the side,his wife will always come 1st(if this wasn't the case he'd have left her already).
I have some questions that I would like to put to you-When you were cheated on in your past relationship,did you truely love any of them?If you did,when you found out what they done,were you not devasted?And if you were,do you not think it's unbelievably callous of you to put another woman through the same situation....no,it doesn't matter that she will remain blissfully ignorant in the short term.This guy gets the best of both worlds-wife and no strings sex,how do you even know you're his only intended bit on the side(that may sound mean but reality check required).I genuinely think you need to walk away before this situation gets even more messed up,you are only going to end up more disillusioned with men and even less self respect.