Boyfriends Mum may hold up us living our lives

LegacyUser

Background:
I am in a long term relationship for over 6 years and living with my boyfriend.

The jist of the story is so:
My bf mum is an older lady near 70 and has a genetic disorder which affects her mobility increasing her risk of falls.
She has lately had more falls and the doctor recommended that my boyfriend sleep in her house for a few nights to monitor her condition.
The problem is that her condition is only going to get worse meaning my boyfriend (who is an only child) will probably eventually have to move home to help her more.

The thing is if he moves home, he will probably expect me to go with him. I honestly can say I cannot live in the same house as he and his mum.
There has always being three people in our relationship, with her being a constant part of our life in a dependant way.

I feel that if/should he move home, I know our relationship will be fraught with tension as we had lived there together ( in her house) briefly after his dad passed away.
I love him to bits and cannot live without him.

I know that he has his obligation to his mum but if he moves home, we will prob never have our space and I would be reluctant to get married and have kids which I would like to do before I am thrity.

I feel as if the only options for me are stay, grin and bear it or leave him.

Neither of these options appeal to me. We knew that this situation would arise eventually, but now that it is becoming more inevitable, I dont know how to feel. I am losing sleep over this. I have talked to my bf.

I may appear selfish about worrying about this situation.
I feel that he has the right to have a life of his own as well as being there for his mum.


Any advice greatly appreciated.

astra2000

Op I dont know what advice to give you, I would advise you to speak with your bf and see what his thoughts are on this. I dont think you sound selfish it is better to be honest than promise something you will not be able to stick to. If you were to move in with her is there anyway of converting a few rooms in to an apartment for yourselves?
Would it be possible to employ carers to stay four or five nights a week so that neither of you need to move in full time. I think you cant make a decision until you know what all the options are and what your bf is prepared to do. Best of luck

teacherspet

What would you expect him to do if it was you who was sick ? Give up his mother for you ? Remember he is an only child, there is no one else.
I would not want a man who did not care about his parents. Sh**e happens and you get on with it the best way you can.
What if it was your mother or father, would you hope he would support you ?
That is the question.

Neyite

I would agree with Astra 2000 that you need to speak to him to find out what he wants to do. But, you dont come across as being understanding of your partners situation here, just that you were not happy the last time he moved home and you went with him, and are not willing to do it again. Fair enough, but then you say you cant live without him. Somethings gotta give.


I’ve been where your boyfriend is now, with an elderly parent who needed a carer, however it was a bit different as I was one of a few family members and it took up a lot of personal time each, but I would have done more if needed. Now dad is gone, I am glad I did it, and that I had a supportive partner while I was doing what I had to do – and in my mind, there was no choice to make, that was my dad, he was sick and dying, and I would be there to the end. If my boyfriend was not supportive, I don’t think the relationship would have lasted.

Personally, if i was made to choose at the time between my Dad and my partner, Dad would have won hands down. But not everyone would think like me.

But you will get nowhere worrying about what if's. Ask him what he wants to do, and take it from there.

cafecolour

Well, he's the only son, and his mother is going to need someone to take of her.

OTOH, she could live a while longer, and it could seriously impede his life developing.

I'd look into options such as: getting a place with an attatched apartment for her (so there'd be some separation), or possibly getting a care attendant, or moving her into an assisted living facility (so she has someone to take care of her, and he can visit/host her when able).

dudara

When you're in a long-term relationship - and particularly one that is facing marriage etc - you've got to take everything, warts and all.

Stop being selfish here. She is his Mom and he clearly loves her and wants to take care of her. If you don't stop putting your oar in, you are going to lose out. And as you appear to be a bit determined to get married etc before you're thirty, then you're going to have a bit of work to do to catch up.

Sit down with him, and talk rationally to him. Explore options such as carers and nursing homes. But remember that this decision is not about you, it has to be about his mother.

Good luck

Zen65

confusedgirl84 wrote: »

I may appear selfish about worrying about this situation.

Perhaps "selfish" is too strong a term, but you are certainly not being generous to your bf nor to his mother.

Each of us, at some time in our lives, will be faced with the prospect of caring for our elderly parents. For the lucky ones, the amount of care required will be unobtrusive to our lives; a phone call here or there, an occasional errand in a car, or the likes. Many of us are faced with the prospect of more onerous responsibilities which may include staying in the house with them, managing their medication, taking them to the doctor several times a month, visits to hospital / hospice, washing or bathing them, feeding them, dealing with bowel movements or catheters.

Nobody ever wished, as a child or young adult, that this would be the future that lay in store for them. Likewise none of us wish to be that burden on our children.

There has always being three people in our relationship, with her being a constant part of our life in a dependant way.

Your bf is facing this problem early in life, and the timing is not good. As an only child he has few options to call on, so he must face this head on and deal with it, or live the remainder of his life with the regret that he was not there for the woman who raised him when she needed it.

You say you love this man to bits, yet you don't think you can help him with this task? Has he asked you to feed her, dress her, or share any of the burden of care? Or has he simply asked that you move into her home with him, so that he can share his life with you while caring for his mother? The period of time for which this level of care is needed is not long in the real sense.

Don't misunderstand me.... it's a royal pain in the a*se to share a home with your partner's parent. As with many of life's burdens, we would prefer to decline given an open choice. Real life requires that we face these issues at some stage, and how we handle it says much about ourselves and our relationships.

If you cannot face this task then now is the time to walk away. Remember that while you may walk away from this relationship, you will probably face this issue again with any other partner.

If you stay and support him, the experience though physically and emotionally draining may bring the two of you closer. When it's all over and this poor woman passes on, he will inherit the house (as the sole child) which will be a great help financially to you both. I do not mean that in a cynical way.... that is simply the cycle of life.

I'm sorry if I've prattled on a bit here... this is an issue which was close to my heart for many years. I hope my thoughts give you some food for thought in deciding how you will deal with this issue.

Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

teacherspet wrote: »

What would you expect him to do if it was you who was sick ? Give up his mother for you ? Remember he is an only child, there is no one else.
I would not want a man who did not care about his parents. Sh**e happens and you get on with it the best way you can
What if it was your mother or father, would you hope he would support you ?
That is the question.

i know that we will be making all the effort to accomodate her though, there isnt very much give on her side

he would but my family situation is different to his,
i understand the obligation on his part but he needs to live his life as well he is young

thanks for all your advice everybody, its a tough situation.
I am being a bit selfish but I have to live my life and he has a right to have a life of his own also

I really need him to talk about it with me but it seems to cause arguments.
He is now suffering from "Head in sand syndrome"

LegacyUser

Zen65 wrote: »

If you stay and support him, the experience though physically and emotionally draining may bring the two of you closer. When it's all over and this poor woman passes on, he will inherit the house (as the sole child) which will be a great help financially to you both. I do not mean that in a cynical way.... that is simply the cycle of life.

Thanks zen.
I am supportive as best I can.
Its strange being called selfish on here as I am a door mat in real life.

We lived with his mum for 2 years after his dad died and tbh it almost broke us up. Constant rows and tension- when we moved out our life got back on track and we are totally happy.

For example he is staying there with his mum temporaily at moment, only coming to our place for a break at moment and we are already tense. She has this knack of getting in our way even without needing our care.

I am unsure of when she will need full-time care . be it this week depending on tests or next year

I know that eventually I will end up moving in with the two of them, but last time it really damaged my feelings of happiness and I practically was depressed.( having experienced depression before)

I hate the feeling of guilt at trying to look out for myself without hurting my bf.
God I am crying writing this....

LegacyUser

Also can anybody recommend a type of counselling or organisation or anyone that I could talk to about this situation?


Thanks in advance

Stheno

confusedgirl84 wrote: »

i know that we will be making all the effort to accomodate her though, there isnt very much give on her side

he would but my family situation is different to his,
i understand the obligation on his part but he needs to live his life as well he is young

thanks for all your advice everybody, its a tough situation.
I am being a bit selfish but I have to live my life and he has a right to have a life of his own also

I really need him to talk about it with me but it seems to cause arguments.
He is now suffering from "Head in sand syndrome"

OP I agree with Zen65, I've gone through this with a partner who whilst not an only child was called upon all of the time when his parents were ill/in hospital/needed the lawn mowed, and yes it did impact on our life, but it was greatly appreciated by his parents, and we learned to live around it.

I do think you are being a little selfish, and as for you OH, he is choosing to take care of his mum, one of the responsibilities we have as adults is to look after those in our family who need that.

If you do end up moving in, it won't be forever, and if you can sit down with your OH beforehand and agree ground rules, then that should be a help.

Best of luck

The Sweeper

OP here is my advice.

My husband's mother and I do not speak. She is not elderly or infirm, as you have described, but she suffers from depression and supplementary mental illnesses and can be an exhausting and toxic person to be around. I made the mistake of stepping into the relationship between her and my husband and she turned her focus on me, and for three years was in my life every single week, bringing her drama to my door from sun-up to sun-down. She has a great love of drama and ruined repeated birthdays and Christmasses by starting fights and had a spectacular ability to make every special occasion about her and nobody else. After three years (we're together nearly nine years) of highly inappropriate intrusion into our relationship, I cracked it completely and totally withdrew from the relationship and now have nothing to do with my in-laws.

It didn't have to be like this - but in order for it not to be like this, you need:

A) to be strong enough to stand up for yourself in your relationship
a bloke who's strong enough to stand up for himself in BOTH of his relationships

So what has this got to do with your situation? I'm hoping to draw a parallel and give you some input onto how to manage this.

First, accept that your boyfriend's mother is an integral part of his life. It is not right for you to come between them - and even if you don't intend to do it, if you step into their relationship you will end up feeling like you're torn two ways, and so will everybody else. Your mother in law will feel torn between her son and the her life - and she's known him a lot longer than you have. You'll end up in the position of 'unworthy daughter in law'. Your boyfriend will feel torn between his mother and you, and end up resentful of you both. You'll feel torn between your boyfriend and your own life and blame everything on his mother. Bad news for your relationship.

So how to prevent this from happening?

Your mother in law needs some of your boyfriend's time, and you need to let him make that time for her - but put the onus on him to manage both relationships.

DO NOT MOVE INTO HER HOUSE. Why would you do that? You know it's a disaster waiting to happen. Don't do it. If you do it, honestly, you're very, very stupid. If you move into her house, you're effectively lining yourself up for misery. You don't have to do it. There is always a choice.

Get your own place, on your own. Rent a studio apartment or a little one-bed that you can afford - or negotiate your boyfriend to pay a supplement towards the rent on the place, in recognition of the fact that it becomes his sanctuary - somewhere that he can come to get away from the responsibility of caring for his mother. And that is HIS responsibility - not yours.

You do not have to care for your boyfriend's mother. She's not your mother. Don't take it on. Don't put your life on hold for it. But accept that you don't have the right to tell your boyfriend that he can't do whatever he wants with his own mother.

Establish that you want some nights for the two of you. Establish that you want time with your partner free of his mother. Volunteer to come over for the occasional cup of tea or meal, but don't get sucked into home help, operating a taxi service or being a counsellor. It's your partner's role to help his mother, not yours. If he helps her so much that he excludes you, there's a certain amount of time you can tolerate that before you need to step back and look at your life: if he's happy spending that much time with his mother and without you, then you need to part ways and move on with your own life. If his mother is stressing him out, if maintaining her is a hassle and if he's exhausted, you become his sanctuary, his go-to person.

If he's unhappy with the amount of time his mother is taking up in his life, but he is not man enough to stand up to his mother and make time for the other important things in his life even though he really wants to, that says a huge amount about him as a man, and you need to factor that knowledge into decisions you make about your relationship.

The beauty of this method is that by staying out of their relationship, you can hold onto your impartiality so that all decisions about his relationship with his mother come from him. You're not forcing him to do anything, or making him do anything. You need to be a strong enough person to accept that you don't currently get to have your boyfriend entirely to yourself 24x7, but you DO have a right to some time in the relationship. Make a space for both women, and don't get involved in what he does with his mother unless it starts to seriously impinge on your time with him. There's an invisible line - don't cross it, and if she crosses it then push it back on your boyfriend to deal with it. If he won't deal with it, and he won't see your point on it, and he won't make time for you, move on with your life.

It's very difficult to manage this sort of relationship, when there are three people in it, but you HAVE to repeatedly push the emphasis and responsibility back onto your partner.

Let's say you have dinner plans on a Tuesday night - if he blows you out at the last minute because his mother's made dinner and he says he has to go because she made an effort, don't attack his mother. Don't respond by saying 'Oh she knew we had plans, the nasty old bitch' etc. Respond by telling him you're disappointed and unimpressed by him blowing you out at the last minute. Tell him it's rude and inconsiderate and you expect more from him. If he asks what you expect him to do, tell him you expect him to honour a date made in advance and it's entirely up to him what he chooses to do in his own life to avoid treating you with no consideration.

It would be my opinion that a 'real' man, in the above instance, would apologise to his mother and tell her that she needs to put his share of the meal she made into the freezer because he needs to honour a prior commitment. He'd manage to go for dinner with you, give you his full attention, and then do something to treat his mother on another day to make it up to her.

A pathetic man would cancel your dinner date, eat dinner with his mother (thereby setting a precedent), blame his mother to your face and say he had no choice, and whinge about you to his mother by saying you're very angry with him (thereby earning himself sympathy from his mammy). <-- this is what you have to be careful of.

But don't move in with them. Don't do it. Reclaim your life. You don't need to be sleeping in the same house 7 nights a week and spending every waking moment together to have a 'real' relationship. Get some friends. Make some bloke-free dates with them. Take a class. Get a life outside your partner - so that if he has to spend time with his mother, you're not sitting around turning into a resentful festering bitch because you're on your own.

PopUp

Zen65 wrote: »

The period of time for which this level of care is needed is not long in the real sense.

Are we sure about this? From the OP's post, this lady is in her late 60s. She could very well require care for the next twenty years or longer. In that context, I think the posters who have suggested the OP is "selfish" are being very unfair.

Sweeper I think your post is very good but the OP is in her late twenties and they want to start a family soon. How can she possibly settle in a bedsit near the mothers house? What kind of life would that be? Permanently on hold, waiting - it's so morbid - for the mother to pass on so they can have their own children?

I'm not saying your BF shouldn't move in with his mother (though my first choice would be to make whatever massive financial sacrifices were neccessary to get her care that could avoid this), I just want to sympathise OP. This is an incredibly difficult situation to be in and you are not selfish or unreasonable to be struggling with it.

The Sweeper

PopUp wrote: »

Sweeper I think your post is very good but the OP is in her late twenties and they want to start a family soon. How can she possibly settle in a bedsit near the mothers house? What kind of life would that be? Permanently on hold, waiting - it's so morbid - for the mother to pass on so they can have their own children?

All the more reason for her to get her own place and NOT be living with the mother. The arrival of a new baby can put huge strain on a relationship. If the mother of a child isn't somewhere she feels secure and safe it can be detrimental to the child. The first months are about bonding and time and love, not anxiety, fighting and stress.

The whole point of this is that the OP really, REALLY must not capitulate and move in with the mother in law. It's not costing the boyfriend anything to stay at his mother's place, so yes, he can keep paying his rent on his share of their home. Why does he have to sleep there? If his mother needs monitoring, there are other options - distress alarms and low-care homes (you know those bungalow villages where someone can move to maintain their independence but have folks watching over them) - and if she needs full time in-home care, then he needs to look at a facility suitable for her, because unless he gives up his job he can't be her full-time in-home carer.

But - vitally - this needs to be the boyfriend's decision. If the OP tries to influence him either way it will bite her in the arse. She needs to do what's best for her but she also needs to accept that her partner DOES have a commitment to his mother and she cannot stand in the way of that - but she has to draw lines in the sand about what she wants out of that compromise.

The OP can't expect him to ignore his mother - trust me, my mother in law drives me BATS but I can't expect my husband not to speak to her. She's his mother. But it's up to him to give me the time I want and up to him to give his mother the time she wants, and if either of us push him too much it's up to him to control that. If I start trying to manipulate his mother through my husband, or if she starts trying to manipulate me through him, it creates a poisonous, toxic environment - and he's the one who has to put a stop to it the moment it starts.

Fact is you can't get rid of needy parents - you can't cut them off, ignore them, ship them into a home - but most of us have one, if not two, of our own needy parents. You don't need to be adopting anybody elses.

The Sweeper

The Karpman Drama Triangle

Mods, excuse this for a bit of amateur psychology - but this is a very interesting established and validated model of human interaction that I find tends to apply in situations where it's you, your partner, and your partner's parents (or mother, as seems to apply).

Three-way interactions between three people vying for each other's attention can go rapidly sour. The Karpman model describes why, and this is extremely useful to study and understand, because when you understand it you recognise it in your own relationships and you can work your way out of it.

There are three points on the Karpman triangle, and therefore three roles:

• The victim
• The persecutor
• The rescuer

So let's say the mother starts playing the victim, and is feeling victimised by actions of the daughter in law, her persecutor. So she turns to her son, her rescuer, to deal with the situation.

Let's say mum has cooked dinner for her boy, but daughter is angry because she had a dinner date organised. Mum is the victim, angry daughter is the persecutor, so mum turns to son as her rescuer: 'Your girlfriend was so rude to me, I didn't know you had dinner planned, poor me.'

What happens next is where all the trouble happens: the roles reverse.

Son turns to partner and eats the head off her: 'Why were you so rude to my mother?': daughter is now the victim, son is the persecutor. Who will the daughter turn to now as her rescuer? Her best friend? Her own parents?

She stews for a bit. Then eats the head off her partner. 'Don't you dare speak to me like that, you always choose your mother over me.' Daughter is now the persecutor. Son is the victim. He turns to his mother as his rescuer: 'Mum, girlfriend is really annoyed with me, I hate it when she's angry with me.'

Turnabout again: mother picks up the phone and eats the head off daughter for badgering her son 'He's trying his best, why are you so mean to him?' Mother is now persecutor, daughter is victim. So daughter calls the son to say 'Your mother's just made a horrible phonecall to me!!' - son is back in the role as rescuer of the daughter. Perhaps he turns to his mother and says 'Why did you call my girlfriend? I told you things in confidence!' - and now he's the persecutor, rescuing his girlfriend, and his mother's back as the victim...

See? See how it works?

So how do you stay out of it? By pushing back the attempts of the triangle roles in including you in their triangle. Respond passively and as a sympathiser, not with a kneejerk reaction where you pass on the anger - 'Your girlfriend was rude to me' - 'That's terrible, mum'. Don't then go eating the head off the girlfriend. 'Your mother is ruining my life.' - 'That must be difficult for you' - but don't go piling into your mother to leave your partner alone.

It's very, very complicated - but the only way to extricate yourself from a drama triangle, and I speak from personal experience, is some distance. Without space, and distance, you can't see the wood for the trees, so you'll play out your turnabout role over and over again in the drama triangle without ever recognising what's happening.

QED: don't move into the mother's house. It's a terrible idea.

perri winkles

Op It does come across that you are a little selfish. I know that you had bad experiences living with his mother before, but he is in the arkward position of being an only child. There is nobody else, I'm sure if there was your bf would be only too happy to have someone share the load.

Could you discuss maybe having home care there? Someone who would be there maybe half the week, and your bf there the other half? Or a carer who stays the night so your bf would only have to look after her during the day?

I'm sorry but I really feel that looking after a parent in their old age is a part of life, it happens to everyone, it might happen to you too, you're just lucky to have others around who can help.

I know how you feel, I had my grandad living with us for my whole childhood, and when he got really sick, it was only my parents who bothered to care for him. I know that they would not have had it any other way, even though it did put alot of pressure on them.


I'm afraid there is going to have to be a compromise. Your bf will have to look after his mother, and you need to realise this. He isn't going to just stop because you arn't happy with it (well I hope he doesn't) so you'll need to discuss ways to compromise, such as the home help.

Good luck

AB1980!

I'm afraid you are seeing tis all from a very immature point of view.

'Young' and 'living your life' are only relative terms. There is no special protection for the 20s which entitle you to live your life whatever way you want with no worries or responsibilities. There just isn't any entitlement to a fun carefree life.

Some people are very lucky and get to have that time, others have responsibilities and don't get to.

Your boyfriend has responsibilities. It's not fun and it's not fair, but I'm afraid life isn't.

I'm sorry if I'm coming across harsh but I think you really need to get your head around that unpleasent fact before you can make progress on this issue.

After facing that fact the position is this:
He has resonsibilities, you don't. If you want a life with him you have to ccept that you are going to share those responsibilities. Other posters have presented different strategies for doing that and I don't have any better advice than that given. But from the tone of your post I think you need to change your mindset first before getting into the detailed strategies.

Life can change in an instant. You at least have some warning that the good times are coming to an end and can prepare, try to be thankful for that.

Neyite

Those of you who are suggesting assisted living facilities, home help, carers, so the OP's boyfriend can live a life without looking after his mother, I would be very interested to hear how you managed to arrange these in this country, because in my experience, Ireland is woefully lacking in quality elderly assistance.

When dad was sick, we got nothing from the HSE. That was in the good old days when the Tiger was roaring. Funding will have been slashed since. In the last 6 months of his life where he needed proper nursing care, we couldnt even get a place in a home for him, until someone pulled strings for us. The waiting list for a decent old folks home is disgraceful. Any carers, or household aids such as wheelchairs, commodes, respite care that helped my mother came from voluntary organisations, not the HSE, and it was only because of all the fundraising over the years that my parents did that they gave so much back to one of their own when the time came.

In all, there was one full time carer, 2 part time carers, and 3 others who juggled their spare time to look after my father for 3 years until he died. If the OPs mother needs 24hr care, then you are looking at employing 4 carers to work 7 x 8hr shifts each per week, and you still have to cover their leave, bank holidays etc. who can afford to employ 4 people?

If the mother does get a place in a public home, then the cost of it will be offset against her home which would have to be sold when she dies to pay the bill.

I really feel sorry for the OP's Boyfriend - there is nothing more heartbreaking than to see a parent get sicker and sicker until the end-its a really difficult time in the carers life, but this guy seems to be facing it alone, with no support whatsoever from family, HSE, or his partner.

The Sweeper

Neyite wrote:

If the mother does get a place in a public home, then the cost of it will be offset against her home which would have to be sold when she dies to pay the bill.

That's what I was assuming - easier in the case of the op's boyfriend because he has no siblings to argue the cost of care.

Zen65

confusedgirl84 wrote: »

Its strange being called selfish on here as I am a door mat in real life.

Apologies Op, and please do not take offence. We don't actually know you in real life, and can only respond to the few sound-bites in your postings.

Be at peace,

Z

Zen65

confusedgirl84 wrote: »

We lived with his mum for 2 years after his dad died and tbh it almost broke us up. Constant rows and tension- when we moved out our life got back on track and we are totally happy.

I wasn't aware of this when I posted my first response. It's not clear why there was tension though. Was it because of the competition for your bf's time, or was the mother simply a difficult, contrary woman in the way The Sweeper's MIL was? Of course, following the death of her husband, his mother would have been going through a hard time and would not have been a pleasure to live with. Your bf is a very caring man to have given her so much of his time (two years seems a little too long IMHO).

If you cannot accept that your bf is under an obligation to care for his mother, then the tension will arise whether or not you move in. I see from your posts that there is already some level of tension arising. Is that tension originating with you?

If his mother is a difficult woman and she creates the tension by starting rows etc, then moving in is going to be a very difficult option for you.

The bottom line for you is that you will need to come to terms with the fact that this woman needs your bf's help. Either you accept that (and allow him the time to help her) or you just face up to the fact that you don't have the capacity to share his attention with his mum and you move on.

Best of luck!


Be at peace,

Z

common sense brigade

I feel for you your boyfriend and esp the Poor mother. cos it is a hard situation. All i can say is that Im married and I love my husband and if his Mother ever got sick and needed care , I would for one help to nurse her. Also get some respite with a carer. But my husband is not an only child so we would have back up.I would never let her go into a home. I have discussed this with my husband as his mother is getting on. And he is adamnat his mother will be looked after by us. I would never break my husbands heart by comprimising his relationship with his mother. Im also the same with my family , if my uncles (Who reared me) ever got ill i would give up work and nurse them. I would never leave them with strangers in a home.
I know your going through a very hard time, and look at the end of the day its your decision , cos if you feel you cant do this you have some tough decisions to make. I klnow its very hard to put your life on hold for other people. Just try put yourself in your partners shoes and take some time out and really think through which way your going to go on this issue. try to think how frightened his mother is also.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I really think you're getting a hard time here. I think you may have made a mistake by posting here, did you not know that this place is populated by absolute saints that live their lives based on sacrifice and altruism???:D Lol, anyway, I don't think you're selfish for wanting a happy life with your other half, I think you're realistic in knowing that you can't live with the MIL. I don't know you or the MIL but I know I couldn't live with mine and I actually get on great with her!!!! So you really need to sit down with your boyfriend, figure out your options and then work on making it managable. Also try and be extra nice to your bf he's probably as stressed about this as you are. You may have to look into nursing home care. Both my grandparants went into them, provided by the HSE who were brilliant so make sure to explore this option. Don't completely panic, there are options, caring part time, maybe rent near her etc etc etc. Key to this is: communicate with your boyfriend!!!!!

Also don't feel like a bitch for wanting to be happy, even if some of the perfect people that populate this place seem to think you should.