I like a man 25 years older than me

LegacyUser

Hi there, I hope someone who has been in a similar situation or someone like the man I like might give me some feedback!

I started a new job recently and many people (most of whom are single or are new to the area) hang around together. There was one man in the group who was dead nice, made me laugh and we seemed to get on fine but 'fine' for the fact there is 25 years between us! When we first met I thought he was nice and would make a great BF but I had no feelings for him. We would email back and forth, a bit of banter but nothing more. But anytime we were out I would always feel the need to try and impress him, I dont know why. Sometimes he might seem uninterested in what I had to say but that made me strive to try and get him to listen to me. Weird I know but thats when the attraction from my side started.

As the group hung out more feelings started to develop and I am sort of feeling it from his side, I cant be sure though. I am not going to go into the whole 'ooh, he emailed me and no one else so he must like story' because I dont care about that for now. I need to think through the practical issues first before I can decide if I should actively persue this.

I am 28, he is 53. He is superior to me in my job but not my boss in any way. Divorced but no kids. Extremely successful and cultured. I am too, for my age, but beside him I feel like a naieve, boring and unintelligent person because I dont have that level of wordly experience.

He doesnt look his age, he is very fit and vibrant. So the whole public acceptability of such a relationship wouldnt bother me. But perhaps it would him...

My mind is going mental because in one way I think why wouldnt he be interested in me, a younger gal? So any older men reading this: how would you feel? Flattered but not interested? Interested but only for somehting casual as realistically it cant go further? Im sure this man would be skeptical. Thats why I need to have my feelinsg clear in my head first.

Any ladies have been in a similar siuation? Did it work or not?

Realistically, I couldt see a future for us so maybe I should just let it go? But I like him that much and I cant stop thinking about him. I actually was on a date with a lovely guy my own age today and all I could think about was the older man.

Thanks so much!

Companero

why wouldnt he be interested in me, a younger gal?

Um, thats all men's dream, to have younger women interested in them. It's pretty much the main reason why most men do anything at all.

But seriously, while it'd be nice to say that fancying somebody that much older than you is ok and age is just a number etc. , the chances are you have some issues with your own father that you havent dealt with. Realistically it probably isnt OK for you to feel that way about somebody that much older than you.

LegacyUser

Beside him, you "feel naive, boring and unintelligent"? This isn't how you should be entering into a relationship! He should make you feel adult, exhilarated, intelligent....compliments flying.
Otherwise it's an unequal relationship, you constantly striving to impress him with all your merits, & him just looking down thinking "ah, little girl" ("you can't beat my extra 25years knowledge"). But loving the attention& the ego-boost you're giving him nonetheless.
You're hero-worshipping him for what he's achieved in his working life. You admire him professionally, nothing more. The professional-admiration feeling doesn't seem to be reciprocated (at least, not without a lot of effort on your half).
You won't feel loved or valued, you shouldn't have to "win" his affection, he should be trying to win yours. Woo you, compliment you, make you feel a million dollars. Not like you're jumping through hoops for his approval! You might be 28, but it's not like you're 18, you're still an adult& have achieved things in your life, so he should appreciate you for you.

PhysiologyRocks

Companero wrote: »

the chances are you have some issues with your own father that you havent dealt with. Realistically it probably isnt OK for you to feel that way about somebody that much older than you.

I would disagree with the above.

I don't see how any of it relates to your father at all, OP.

Zaph

Companero wrote: »

But seriously, while it'd be nice to say that fancying somebody that much older than you is ok and age is just a number etc. , the chances are you have some issues with your own father that you havent dealt with. Realistically it probably isnt OK for you to feel that way about somebody that much older than you.

I'm sorry, but that is complete and utter nonsense. While it may be true in some cases, you can't apply pop-psychology generalisations like that without more information from the OP.

OP, of course it's OK for you to have feelings for someone significantly older than you. However, as has been mentioned, you need to get past the "hero-worship" stage and onto a more equal footing with him before you should even consider trying to start a relationship. What would concern me most however, is the fact that you say that you couldn't see a future for you. If that's the case, no matter how much you're attracted to him, you would have to question whether or not you want to get involved with him if you feel the relationship would be effectively doomed from the start.

I'm 18 years older than my fiancée, so we're proof that relationships like this can work. However we've always considered each other to be very much equals from the start. This is the key to any successful relationship, but even more so where there's a significant age difference and one partner could be perceived to be more "senior", for want of a better word, than the other. I've always considered my fiancée to be more mature than most people her age who I encounter, and she probably considers me a bit more childish youthful than my age would suggest, so we meet somewhere in the middle.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the messages. Each and every one help me in some way to clarifying my throughts on the whole situation.
@Campanero: It might be a dream to be with a younger woman but the reality for him would prob put him off. I have thought of that whole 'dad issues' thing before and I really cant be sure if that applies here. The whole 'wanting to be accepted by him' might though. My Dad passed away a few years back if that has any bearing on anything but I dont think it does!

@jljjk: You are very correct, I should feel that way if the relationship was to work. However, I think I like the fact the he would look at me to say 'aah little girl'. I haave been feeling sad of late about me getting older so perhaps this is a great way for me to feel so so much younger. Yes, I dfefinitely feel like I am trying to win his affection.

@Zaph: That is good to hear about your 18 year age gap and that it is working but like you said ye are on equal footing. Me and my older man would not be for sure.

The added complication of the fact we work together is making me realise its not worth it. While he is not my boss he could be a very NB person at some stage of my career so I shouldnt scupper that. I think he knows that I like him and I have no problem with that because he deserves to know that he is nice etc. But that will be it I think.

Thanks for all the replies, every comment helps the thought process!

Zen65

OlderManLiker wrote: »

So any older men reading this: how would you feel? Flattered but not interested? Interested but only for somehting casual as realistically it cant go further?

Well I'm not quite as old as this man, but if I were to imagine myself in his situation I would be neither flattered nor interested.

(1) Any female who is closer to my kids' ages than my age is too young to be considered for that kind of relationship.

(2) At his age, I imagine his kids would be disgusted at the idea of him being in a relationship with somebody of your age. He would know this.

(3) You're in the same company, and he's fairly senior. I could never consider any relationship with somebody in the same company as myself.

(4) Eventually you'd both realise you were on different pages of your life's story. There's a generation between you.

I think there are three basic precautions people should check before they embark on a relationship:

- Stay within a decade of each other

- Keep to your own culture or cultural tolerance

- Keep to your own species

My advice - look elsewhere!


Be at peace,

Z

Bottle_of_Smoke

I think you are too young for him to be honest. When you're 50 he'll be in his mid 70s and I think you like him more than just a fling. He''ll die a lot earlier than you when you may find it difficult to find someone new.

You work together and at your age it will be a big deal cause neither of you are kids. Sounds like an all-round bad idea to me.

LegacyUser

Companero wrote: »

, the chances are you have some issues with your own father that you havent dealt with. .

pop psychology

astra2000

Zen65 wrote: »

Well I'm not quite as old as this man, but if I were to imagine myself in his situation I would be neither flattered nor interested.

(1) Any female who is closer to my kids' ages than my age is too young to be considered for that kind of relationship.

(2) At his age, I imagine his kids would be disgusted at the idea of him being in a relationship with somebody of your age. He would know this.

Zen the op said in her first post that he has is divorced but has no kids. I think that makes a difference, he is not going to view her in the same light as someone who is a parent would view others close to their kids ages.
Op do you think that this man has feelings for you? Tbh I wouldnt see the age gap as such a big deal as long as any relationship you would have would be on an equal footing, imho it could not work if you continued to see him as some all knowing full of wisdom God like creature, and continued to see yourself as a naieve unintelligent person, you would both need to see each other as your equal. Best of luck

curlzy

Hey OP,

I was with a guy nearly 15 years older than me for 5 years and to be honest it nearly ruined my life. My advise is to look elsewhere. I know I don't know you but it really does sound like it maybe a daddy issue, the fact you're striving for his approval and are tripping over yourself to impress him. Stop and think if you would do this with someone your own age, I bet you a tenner you wouldn't. It sounds like hero-worship, daddy substitute which doesn't make for a very happy relationship at all. I know your 27 but he has a huge amount of years on you so don't think it's impossible for him to manipulate you, seems to me he is playing to cool to intrigue you maybe? Now granted I don't know either of you so take everything I'm saying with a pinch of salt but just thought I'd write you my thoughts on your post.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

@Zen 65 the OP said the guy didn't have kids.

It would be the work thing rather than the age thing which would stop me to be honest. Bad idea in my opinion for that reason alone.

Other than that though, you like the guy, so what's the problem? He is single, so are you. I don't agree with the 'father complex' stuff being touted above.

LegacyUser

Hellow again eveyone and thanks for the replies. I have definitely taken them all on baord and appreciate how candid some of you were.

The update is that we went out last Monday night (his birthday) and had a lovely night, I couldnt fault it. We get on like a hosue on fire and I know how that anything more than friends would really be a big mistake. After a few drinks I subtely told him my feelings but it could go no further and that was that. He said he felt the same but that should be that too. So it will go no further and that is a relief now!

Now I feel as its out in the open we can continue being friends and I can see us being firm friends in years to come.

Thanks everyone!

LegacyUser

OlderManLiker wrote: »

Hellow again eveyone and thanks for the replies. I have definitely taken them all on baord and appreciate how candid some of you were.

The update is that we went out last Monday night (his birthday) and had a lovely night, I couldnt fault it. We get on like a hosue on fire and I know how that anything more than friends would really be a big mistake. After a few drinks I subtely told him my feelings but it could go no further and that was that. He said he felt the same but that should be that too. So it will go no further and that is a relief now!

Now I feel as its out in the open we can continue being friends and I can see us being firm friends in years to come.

Thanks everyone!

I'm happy it worked out best for all concerned OP. If you both feel friendship is the best option then it sounds like you have made the right choice. I am however surprised at the negativity of some of the posters in relation to age gap relationships. It is saddening that when entering a relationship, how older people will react sometimes is taken into consideration. Once both people involved respect each other and are at a similar life stage with similar goals then age really is just a number. Some of the happiest couples I know share a ten-twenty year age gap. If they had been the same age maybe they wouldn't have connected as well.

killerking

What difference does age make? You are going to be dead long enough in the end. Do what you want and don't deny yourself pleasure and romantic attention.