Cheated on

jackster77

Hi, Ive been with my boyfriend for 4 years and the relationship has been amazing and he always tells me how much he appreciates me and loves me. Though we are long distance I see him ever weekend and we have sex as often as we can. Lately, he seems a bit distant and as a result we have had a few petty arguments but nothing serious. about 2 months ago he started going out and drinking more than usual, the phone calls became less frequent and when I asked him questions he accused me of being jealous. anyways, this all came to a head about a month ago and he broke up with me stating he wasnt happy in the relationship. I cried and begged to give it another go and he agreed. The next day I though he might have agreed because he felt sorry for me so I asked him if he was sure this is what he wanted and hoped I didnt guilt him into changing his mind but he said that wasnt the case. The following two weekends we got on great but last thursday nite he went out on a work night and got very drunk and kissed another girl in the pub infront of everyone. He spent the night with her but was too drunk to take it any further. He called me at work the next day and told me and seemed genuinely mortified but said if he was doing stuff like this then the relationship should end because I deserve better. at this point I agreed(theres no point arguing with someone who doesnt want to be with you, right?)
Anyways, I went to his house that evening to collect my stuff but when he saw me he broke down and said he had made a huge mistake and didnt want to lose me. He said he realised what a good relationship we have and didnt want to throw it away. He has also said he is giving up the drink because when he drinks too much he cant stop himself. Im not sure what to believe. Is drinking a genuine excuse? Does he really want to be with me? I cant stop thinking about it. Im sure he liked the girl he was with but he denies this. Obviously I cant trust what he is saying. Any advice would be appreciated.....

Nidot

Excuses are what people use when they don't like the truth unfortunately.

Take it as the final act of your relationship. From what you say this has been coming for a while now and is at its conclusion.

treakle

I'm afraid to say but it sounds like yous have reached the end of the line!

I don't know what age you guys are but it definately sounds to me like this guy is a player. He wants it both ways. He wants to go out on the lash with the lads, have a ball and get with other girls. Now don't get me wrong...this is perfectly normal behaviour for a lad but not when he is seeing you...it shows a lack of maturity and a lack of respect for you. I'm guessing he's a pretty insecure type of person deep down. When he's feelin **** and hungover after the booze he clings to you because it makes 'HIM' feel better and less insecure about himself. I'm not just ranting here...I know this because I done what he done many years ago! Thankfully I've coped on and matured since then...

You should look at the reality of the situation and what it is doing to YOU.
I'm guessing you're a lovely person and deserve so much better!

jackster77

I know Im probably grasping at straws here but is there a possibility that it was a genuine mistake and has taken this to realise what he really wants? He keeps telling me he is crazy about me since then and can see a future together.
I always said I would never forgive a cheater but surely a mistake is worth forgiving?????

S23

jackster77 wrote: »

Is drinking a genuine excuse?

Not it is absolutely 100% not a genuine excuse.

treakle

jackster77 wrote: »

I always said I would never forgive a cheater but surely a mistake is worth forgiving?????

Yes that is true..a single mistake is possibly worth forgiving.
However...can you look yourself in the mirror...take off your rose-tinted glasses...hand-on-heart...100% say that you believe this is the only time he has done this to you!!! If you can and if you genuinely believe that this will never happen again...then I believe 'ONE' mistake is worth forgiving!
Him blaming it on the drink though is just pathetic...very easy to blame it on something else instead of facing the real truth!
However I suspect you will do what is only natural....that is try to cling on to the 'relationship' because you don't want your hopes and dreams shattered. Nobody wants there hopes and dreams for the future shattered but alas..this is life...we have all been there.

Good luck with whatever direction you choose to go but don't put up with an idiot who is going to disrespect you every time he has a 'drink'...
Ask yourself...is it worth spending the rest of my life with someone who I am not going to trust when they go for a drink with their mates!!

bmarley

I would ditch him to be quite honest..don't think it is ever worth pleading with someone to stay with you... you will loose all self-respect and be putty in his hands. He probably genuinely has thought about the relationship and may be sorry but only because he made a fool of himself, not because he has hurt you in the process

alibaba12

sorry to say but drinking is no excuse, in fact I've found that drink only brings out the truth. He might have realised your what he wants but then again that could be his fear of being on his own. Personally I wouldnt take him back right away I'd give myself time to think about it and what I wanted. If you do take him back now he will most probably see it as a free pass to do this whenever he wants to. If you give yourself the space to think about it and he thinks he is losing you his true feelings should come out as to whether or not he really wants you. Good luck hope it all works out.

whatsamsn

Alibaba12 is right. Drink is never an excuse. As crude as this may sound some guys have even turned gay when totally drunk. drunken mind speaks the sober thoughts. Reason why that saying catched on. So his cheating cannot be blamed by alcohol.

It should be noted that he claims he was too drunk to do anything more than kissing. Yet he went home with her?
Often people tell half-truths when being honest. Im sorry to say but common sense says he did more than kissing.

Most of us have been cheated on op. It hurts. I sure know what it feels like. But this sounds like it was building up to it on his part.

Kimia

whatsamsn wrote: »

Alibaba12 is right. Drink is never an excuse. As crude as this may sound some guys have even turned gay when totally drunk. drunken mind speaks the sober thoughts. Reason why that saying catched on. So his cheating cannot be blamed by alcohol.

It should be noted that he claims he was too drunk to do anything more than kissing. Yet he went home with her?
Often people tell half-truths when being honest. Im sorry to say but common sense says he did more than kissing.

Most of us have been cheated on op. It hurts. I sure know what it feels like. But this sounds like it was building up to it on his part.

I think that part you've italicised is utter nonsense. Maybe it takes away inhibitions but that really is ridiculous. It depends on the person and drunken people also talk a load of shíte too, I know I ramble on about stupid crap that I don't really care about (or know a lot about ) when I'm gargled.

VERY bad form out of your boyfriend now. Fairly obvious too that he wants to break up and has even tried to make you break up with him by cheating on you. This will come to an end, sadly, so don't flog a dead horse and let the relationship end with your dignity.

Knasher

What he did was a huge breach of your trust and even if you choose to forgive him for it, can you ever really trust him? I know if it were me, I really don't think I'd be able to and that is no way to lead a relationship.

I think either way, you are better off going with your gut and finding somebody you can be in a trusting relationship with.

kjl

OP, you know yourself, it's over. I reckon he broke up with you because he had already scored this other girl before and thought maybe something was going to come of it, that's why he pull the you're jealous bs. Drink is not an excuse full stop, I don't drink myself any more, but I always knew what I was doing when I did.

Jenneke87

Is there any chance he deliberately kissed this girl so he had an excuse to break up again since he's so eager to do that? He doesn't even want to try and get this sorted, he just wants to dump you straight away. Beat him to it and find someone else.

Zen65

jackster77 wrote: »

Is drinking a genuine excuse? Does he really want to be with me? I cant stop thinking about it. Im sure he liked the girl he was with but he denies this. Obviously I cant trust what he is saying. Any advice would be appreciated.....

Drinking weakens the resolve and suppresses the sense of inhibition so a person may do things while they are drunk that they would not allow themselves to do while they are sober. That being said, I never accept "drink" as an excuse in its own right. An adult decides to drink, so they must accept responsibility for how they behave while drinking.

Does he want to be with you? Nobody here can say. You will have to figure that out yourself.

Does he like this other girl? Again, we can't tell. However you have not mentioned any prior history with her, so it seems like he just took advantage of an opportunity when it arose. Christmas parties, alcohol and mistletoe are notorious as a combination for encouraging people to do foolish things that they would not do under any other circumstances. I suspect that there is no interest on either side there towards each other.

But here's the core of the matter: you no longer trust anything he says. In truth, if you feel this way, and if you think there is nothing he could do to change this then frankly the relationship is going nowhere.


Be at peace,

Z