Seperated & Confussed

Timmythedonkey

My husband of 15 years and I seperated in June. Things had been bad for about 4 year's - we went for councelling about 3 year's ago but that didn't seem to help.

I have to admit when we seperated I was pleased as we were under enormous pressure and wern't communicating at all!! He had been in the spare room for a year before the seperation.

Since he left he has suffered severe depression & hasn't been well. But about 4 weeks ago I found out he was sleeping with someone!!!! I have to say I was devestated & still am. I am now thinking because of the way I am feeling is there something there to salvage???? I was consumed with Jealousy to the point I was texting him day in day out trying to get him to stop - he has thankfully finished it but not because of my reaction but because a mutual friend who I met and told how upset I was told him and he decided to stop!!

I feel like I want to give it a go again but when I mention it to him I am not getting the same reaction. I know I am answering my own question here but I feel like we should give it a go again even if it's just for the sake of the kids.

He literally lives a few houses away from us so it's very difficult to move on and not 'bump' into him. I am even going into town eyeing every woman I see trying to work out if that was the woman he was sleeping with

not yet

Timmythedonkey wrote: »

My husband of 15 years and I seperated in June. Things had been bad for about 4 year's - we went for councelling about 3 year's ago but that didn't seem to help.

I have to admit when we seperated I was pleased as we were under enormous pressure and wern't communicating at all!! He had been in the spare room for a year before the seperation.

Since he left he has suffered severe depression & hasn't been well. But about 4 weeks ago I found out he was sleeping with someone!!!! I have to say I was devestated & still am. I am now thinking because of the way I am feeling is there something there to salvage???? I was consumed with Jealousy to the point I was texting him day in day out trying to get him to stop - he has thankfully finished it but not because of my reaction but because a mutual friend who I met and told how upset I was told him and he decided to stop!!

I feel like I want to give it a go again but when I mention it to him I am not getting the same reaction. I know I am answering my own question here but I feel like we should give it a go again even if it's just for the sake of the kids.

He literally lives a few houses away from us so it's very difficult to move on and not 'bump' into him. I am even going into town eyeing every woman I see trying to work out if that was the woman he was sleeping with

Woah....what may I ask gives you the right to treat him this way, you only want him because someone else had him, you even mentioned at one stage (for the sake of the kids) you know the answer to your question,but are you strong enough to do it..

Timmythedonkey

What do you mean by the way I have treated him????? I haven't treated him badly in any way...... When I asked him to stop sleeping with her for the sake of the kid's it was becasue I was so upset and crying so much that the kid's were being affected seeing me in that state.
He wasn't ready for a relationship as he is far too ill at the moment, He is not only on medication for depression he is going for councelling for issues surrounding his childhood that I knew nothing about but came to a head when he moved out.
All I wanted was for him to stop being so selfish and point scoring - which he has admitted he was doing.

Beruthiel

Timmythedonkey wrote: »

I haven't treated him badly in any way

For four years ye haven't been getting on.
You were happy with the separation, which happened last June.
The last four years have taken their toll on both of you.
Ye were finished and he found someone else, which brought a modicum of happiness to his life.
Somehow, you thought you had a right to interfere with that.

When I asked him to stop sleeping with her for the sake of the kid's it was becasue I was so upset and crying so much that the kid's were being affected seeing me in that state.

Emotional blackmail.
I separated from my daughters father when she was seven. It is not an easy thing to do and you go through a gammit of emotions. I would have classed it as one of the lowest parts of my life.
Never once did I show that to my daughter. Even if it pained me, I would slap that smile on my face.

You appear to be using your children in this and that is not right on so many levels.

He wasn't ready for a relationship as he is far too ill at the moment

You are separated. You do not have the right to decide who he can see or what he does with his life. He's an adult and has the right to make his own decisions, good and bad.

I have to say I was devestated & still am. I am now thinking because of the way I am feeling is there something there to salvage????

You have tried for four years without success.

From personal experience, I can tell you that it doesn't matter how much you know it is the right thing to split, it is still going to be devastating and emotionally draining.
It took me over six months before I even started to feel like myself again.
It has nothing to do with the fact that there is something there to salvage and more to do with the upheaval of what you thought your life was going to be.
You are out of your comfort zone and the future is uncertain.
Fear of going it on your own makes you think what you had is better than this.

My suggestion to you would be to leave the man to find his way and live his own life.
You should do the same.
Go back to counselling to help you get through this and for the sake of your kids, do your best to make life and Christmas happy for them.
Hold the tears until they are in bed.
Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi op

I'm a seperated man mid 30's (we have no kids)

I was the person who finished the marraige and it's nearly a year since we seperated for the official final time, I found it shockingly hard to cope a d to start to
pick of myself and move on (and I ended my marraige!)

It is only the last 2 months or so that I have honestly felt like my old self, and it's a very slow process, it going to take you time. You have to try to get out here and try to move on even a little bit if you can. It's hard, but you have to do it for you own sanity

regarding your ex seeing someone else, I was terribly lonely and missed having a female to talk too, have a glass of wine with etc. Your ex may have been the same. I would have loved to have a 'girlfriend', tbh only to help with the lonliness and sense of loss.

It's a very hard time of your life, take care
x

Cheap Thrills!

Timmythedonkey wrote: »

What do you mean by the way I have treated him????? I haven't treated him badly in any way...... When I asked him to stop sleeping with her for the sake of the kid's it was becasue I was so upset and crying so much that the kid's were being affected seeing me in that state.

I think you are using the kids as an excuse, you admit yourself the real reason in your first post.

I was consumed with Jealousy to the point I was texting him day in day out trying to get him to stop

You shouldn't be crying and carrying on like that in front of your kids. These are adults problems. You are their parent, if you are upset suck it up and put on an act. That's what being a responsible parent involves.

Using the kids in this scenario is quite manipulative.

Timmythedonkey wrote: »

He wasn't ready for a relationship as he is far too ill at the moment,

If he is too ill for a relationship at the moment then that includes a relationship with you. I also think a man that has been in the spare room for a year and in a bad relationship for 4 years and moved out is entitled to make his own decisions about his own sex life. It's actually none of your business.

Timmythedonkey wrote: »

He is not only on medication for depression he is going for councelling for issues surrounding his childhood that I knew nothing about but came to a head when he moved out.

How come you knew nothing of these childhood issues? That doesn't sound as if there is much trust there. And after 3 years of counselling nothing changed. Why is that?

Timmythedonkey wrote: »

All I wanted was for him to stop being so selfish and point scoring - which he has admitted he was doing.

I find it suprising that you believe that him sleeping with someone else could only be about scoring points with you. You say he admitted this but in your first post you admit texting him every day to get him to stop and even blabbing to a mutual friend about this private business. So it looks to me that he possibly could admit whatever you want to hear.

Does it occur to you that he fancies this woman and it's nothing to do with you?

I think you are behaving selfishly from what you've written here. You barely mention the kids in the first post and in the second you admit using them as a weapon against him to make him stop seeing the other woman.

Oryx

You have to accept that you are now separated from this man. Your devastation and his depression are each of your issues to deal with and neither of you should interfere with the other.

Your story smacks of someone wanting to have their cake and eat it. You want rid of this man, but you still want him to be emotionally dependant on you. Thats one sided and unfair. If youre letting him go, then do it cleanly, and quit messing with his head and trying to control him.

If you didnt want him back till someone else was on the scene, then your emotions are confused. You probably dont actually want him at all, you just want to boost you own ego, to be able to feel that noone but you will be enough for him.

If he is point scoring, then rise above it and dont interfere. The whole scenario you describe here sounds incredibly toxic and something both of you need space from, as you seem destined to hurt each other at the moment.

And above all, as you have been told, stop using your children as weapons in all this. That is the cruelest and lowest trick you can play.

Timmythedonkey

Let me clarify, We were in councelling for about 4 month's about 3 year's ago. I was very open at these session's but he was none commital and didn't really interact with the councellor on many levels.

When I told our mutual friend of his exploit's she already knew he was sleeping with someone. I don't count asking a friend for help and advice as blabbing!! To top it all there is a rumor going around town that he is in a relationship with her - so you see this is just the tip of the iceburg.

We live in a small community and he lives up the road from us - when I found out about what he was up to I told him I could not deal with him doing this on my door step and that if he wanted to move on so quickly into another relationship then he would have to move somewhere else so that we can both get on with our lives.

He admitted he was handed 'it' on a plate and he was point scoring against me as he knew how I would react!! When I married I married for live - yes we were having problems but I didn't expect him to jump into bed with the 1st woman who offered it to him. That really hurt's!!!!!

During this 4 week period he was not communicating much with his kids which upset's me the most. Yes I understand that I should not be crying in front of the kids and I have been to the G.P. who has prescribed me anti deppressants and is reffering me for councelling.

Finally, I don't know why I was never told about his childhood 'trauma' We were together for 18 year's and he never told me. He told me that he had pushed it to the back of his mind and that when he moved out he had time to think and this came back to haunt him. He is not allowed to have the kids over night as he tried to commit suicide. One of our kids has special needs so it mean's that I do not get a break at all from the kids and I feel like I have been left to rott at home while he is free to come and go as he pleases and do what he wants when he wants!!!

Wibbs

Timmythedonkey wrote: »

Let me clarify, We were in councelling for about 4 month's about 3 year's ago. I was very open at these session's but he was none commital and didn't really interact with the councellor on many levels.

Ok well that's obviously not good.

To top it all there is a rumor going around town that he is in a relationship with her - so you see this is just the tip of the iceburg.

So? You're not together anymore. His only responsibility is to the children. That's pretty much it, beyond being polite towards you.

We live in a small community and he lives up the road from us - when I found out about what he was up to I told him I could not deal with him doing this on my door step and that if he wanted to move on so quickly into another relationship then he would have to move somewhere else so that we can both get on with our lives.

Again this is not your call to make anymore. You are not his keeper. It seems the small community embarrassment for you is what gets you the most. Not him moving on.

He admitted he was handed 'it' on a plate and he was point scoring against me as he knew how I would react!! When I married I married for live - yes we were having problems but I didn't expect him to jump into bed with the 1st woman who offered it to him. That really hurt's!!!!!

Having problems? He was sleeping in the spare room for a year and with 4 years of a mutually bad relationship. And background issues(or your relationship issues) in his life that drove him to a suicide attempt? That's a lot on the plate right there. Marriage for life is all very well, but not if it involves years of emotional trauma on both sides. So now it hurts because he's off with someone else? OK I can see how it would hurt, but a) it's not your call anymore and b) bringing your children into this is not on and very selfish behaviour. Ditto if he pulls the same. Also ask yourself is his response about point scoring a childish revenge thing towards you.

During this 4 week period he was not communicating much with his daughter's which upset's me the most.

That he needs to step up and take action about. He's wrong to do that. Plus this will be a two way thing. If everytime you meet he gets major static from you about his personal life now, then that will also impact your children. Both of you need to leave them out of this as much as possible.

Yes I understand that I should not be crying in front of the kids and I have been to the G.P. who has prescribed me anti deppressants and is reffering me for councelling.

Fair play and hopefully this helps you, but at the same time be careful of making this some sort of an excuse when dealing with your children. Easy to do.

Finally, I don't know why I was never told about his childhood 'trauma' We were together for 18 year's and he never told me. He told me that he had pushed it to the back of his mind and that when he moved out he had time to think and this came back to haunt him.

That can happen. For all sorts of reasons. I'd also ask myself the question why he didn't confide in you. You didnt "need to be told" anything BTW. Maybe that is why he didn't?

He is not allowed to have the kids over night as he tried to commit suicide.

Well I hope he's also getting professional attention.

One of our kids has special needs so it mean's that I do not get a break at all from the kids and I feel like I have been left to rott at home while he is free to come and go as he pleases and do what he wants when he wants!!!

Your frustration is completely understandable, but at the same time I don't hear too much empathy or sympathy in your posting. More about you and how this looks and how dare he do this to you!! Maybe I'm picking that up wrong and apologies if I am, but I'd be looking at that aspect too.

Timmythedonkey

Ok yes I am not his keeper anymore but I have kids who I want to try and protect from all this mess. When I found out he tried to 'end' it I was devestated for him!! He say's that our relationship issues did not play a role in this at all. When I asked him why he had never told me about his childhood he said that he had completly blanked it out of his memory and it never crossed his mind until he moved out and had time on his hands to think. I have asked myself why he never told me and yes it pain's me to think he couldn't tell me

Him living up the road I think is a bad idea if he is 'moving on' with his life, as I will know what he's doing and to be perfectly honest I cannot handle it at the moment. Yes I also don't want everyone to know 'our' business which seems to be the case at the moment!!

I am feeling very vunerable and confussed and angry and hurt and ..... Oh I could go on and on!!!!! And yes I am feeling sorry for myself!!! He was my 1st love and it's hard enough to come to terms with the seperation never mind trying to get my head around him sleeping with someone else!! To think he could move on with his life so quickly shock's me, Yes we needed a break from each other but I never knew he would jump into bed with someone else SO SOON!!!

I don't think I am being selfish!! All I am trying to say is that it feel's very final knowing that he has slept with someone else proberly mean's that we won't get back together. :(:(:(

Wompa1

Let me clarify, We were in councelling for about 4 month's about 3 year's ago. I was very open at these session's but he was none commital and didn't really interact with the councellor on many levels.

Well if he was going than he was commital in a way. If he didn't interact much that's up to him. Counselling is meant to be an organic process, if you feel like talking you talk. It's not something you can force on somebody.

When I told our mutual friend of his exploit's she already knew he was sleeping with someone. I don't count asking a friend for help and advice as blabbing!! To top it all there is a rumor going around town that he is in a relationship with her - so you see this is just the tip of the iceburg.

All people deal with break ups in different ways. If your marriage has been in a lull for so long perhaps he had actually given up on it long before the actual separation. If he is seperated, he can be with whoever he wants. I had ex's that jumped into bed with other people all I was told was apparently to get over somebody you have to get under somebody else. It wasn't the best of feelings but I let that comment nudge me on even quicker, why would want to be with someone who doesn't have any respect for you.

Finally, I don't know why I was never told about his childhood 'trauma' We were together for 18 year's and he never told me. He told me that he had pushed it to the back of his mind and that when he moved out he had time to think and this came back to haunt him. He is not allowed to have the kids over night as he tried to commit suicide. One of our kids has special needs so it mean's that I do not get a break at all from the kids and I feel like I have been left to rott at home while he is free to come and go as he pleases and do what he wants when he wants!!!

That's pretty heavy but in fairness the guy is obviously going through a really really bad time if he has tried to commit suicide. Can you lean on your family at all? Would you think about moving on yourself?

Emme

OP, it sounds like it was a tough separation for all of you, especially the children. However, that doesn't give you a reason to use their distress to emotionally blackmail your ex-husband and stop him from moving on.

Men tend to move on faster, you were happy when you separated so what's the problem now? Is it because he was sleeping with somebody new and you weren't? Is it because somebody else appreciates your ex-husband and wanted to be with him? It seems like you didn't appreciate him very much while you were with him so let him move on and do likewise yourself.

And put the children first, they're suffering enough so don't use their distress to manipulate your ex-husband.

Cheap Thrills!

Timmythedonkey wrote: »

Let me clarify, We were in councelling for about 4 month's about 3 year's ago. I was very open at these session's but he was none commital and didn't really interact with the councellor on many levels.

Thanks. I thought you were in 3 years of counselling. That sounds bad the way he wouldn't open up. Counselling is work and for some reason he refused to put the work in. You sound as if you were trying hard.

Timmythedonkey wrote: »

When I told our mutual friend of his exploit's she already knew he was sleeping with someone. I don't count asking a friend for help and advice as blabbing!! To top it all there is a rumor going around town that he is in a relationship with her - so you see this is just the tip of the iceburg.

Ok. But even if he is in a relatioship with her and that hurts. For your own sake and the sake of your kids you need to do your very best to realise that is his choice. He has voted with his feet no matter what he says. he may say it's point scoring but I wouldn't take everything he says as gospel As you said he was clammed up and withholding himself during counselling AND he didn't confide in you about this supposedly important childhood trauma.

Part of me wonders if the surfacing of this after 18 years is not just a little bit convenient to him. I'm not saying he didn't suffer but he could be using it as a way to distance himself. To distract from the actual issue which is that he refused to co-operate with counselling, was distant and withholding from you and is now seeing another woman. To me it's like he left the marriage 4 years ago and is afraid to admit that is what he wants.

Timmythedonkey wrote: »

We live in a small community and he lives up the road from us - when I found out about what he was up to I told him I could not deal with him doing this on my door step and that if he wanted to move on so quickly into another relationship then he would have to move somewhere else so that we can both get on with our lives.

Well you paint a better picture of the situation now. That is hard to deal with.

Timmythedonkey wrote: »

He admitted he was handed 'it' on a plate and he was point scoring against me as he knew how I would react!! When I married I married for live - yes we were having problems but I didn't expect him to jump into bed with the 1st woman who offered it to him. That really hurt's!!!!!

It's very hard when it's your first love to accept the end but you must pick up your battered heart and move on. For the sake of your own dignity. It's a learning process for sure and won't happen overnight.

Timmythedonkey wrote: »

During this 4 week period he was not communicating much with his kids which upset's me the most. Yes I understand that I should not be crying in front of the kids and I have been to the G.P. who has prescribed me anti deppressants and is reffering me for councelling.

I'm so glad you are getting some support as you really need it. I feel bad for what I wrote before about your kids as I can see now I jumped to the wrong conclusion. He MUST help with the kids and despite his own problems (depressiom, childhood trauma) he is still a parent. You are great to cope so far with the kids on your own. No parent is perfect. I was wrong to judge you.

Timmythedonkey wrote: »

Finally, I don't know why I was never told about his childhood 'trauma' We were together for 18 year's and he never told me. He told me that he had pushed it to the back of his mind and that when he moved out he had time to think and this came back to haunt him. He is not allowed to have the kids over night as he tried to commit suicide. One of our kids has special needs so it mean's that I do not get a break at all from the kids and I feel like I have been left to rott at home while he is free to come and go as he pleases and do what he wants when he wants!!!

Ok, such a lot there. He needs to seek counselling. About the suicide attempt, this is such a tricky issue with kids involved but it leaves you literally holding the baby. I wonder with his track record of withholding stuff and then suddenly falling apart, is it not all a bit convenient for him. I think you should look to drawing up a formal separation agreement. Where he would have to take responsibility for both his own emotional wellbeing and his children. It's not good enough him leaving it all up to you as you are equally as hurt and vulnerable as him.

I wish you all the best and I hope you get some good support.