Constantly tortured by best friend crush.

LegacyUser

As the title suggests I've a crush on my best friend (i know how crap). He did like me about 2 years ago but i wasn't ready for anything to happen then. after about a few months then i started to like him (a lot), but low and behold he no longer liked me. So my crush got stronger and stronger and we became best friends. We are inseparable now, we do the same course and have the same circle of friends. People always comment about us being a couple as we get on so well, this destroys me as i really want a relationship to happen but know nothing ever will. It just seems like every day I'm with him I'm being tortured, like i love being around him as he's really funny and entertaining and also flirty which doesn't help. My mind is a bit frazzled so this post is sorta all over the place. Also as i go out drinking with him, i've to witness him getting with other ppl, and he asks me if it's ok if he goes home with them tonight instead of me, which just feels like someone stabbed me in the gut and kicked me. I know this is my own fault and i have to get over it but i just don't really know how. Like how do i separate myself from someone i have such a strong connection to, the one person who actually gets me. I don't know what to do, my mind is just in one big mess.

tenchi-fan

I think everyone's been there. Speaking from experience the only cure is to make a bit of distance between the two of you. Don't spend so much time together and don't centre your life around him.

MRBEAVER

The only cure is to cut down contact with him. To be honest he has to know that you have feelings for him. For him to go off with other women in front of you is selfish, disrespectful and cruel. If he was your friend he wouldn't do that.

tenchi-fan

MRBEAVER wrote: »

The only cure is to cut down contact with him. To be honest he has to know that you have feelings for him. For him to go off with other women in front of you is selfish, disrespectful and cruel. If he was your friend he wouldn't do that.

Nah, i don't agree with that at all. If the op decides to go out clubbing with this guy when he's probably on the pull she should be prepared for the fact he will pick up another girl. That's like saying he shouldn't ever have a girlfriend because it would be cruel on the op.
Granted, he's probably aware of the op's crush but at the end of the day it's the op's problem.

MRBEAVER

Not saying he shouldn't have a girlfriend but taking her out with him when he is "on the pull" is disrespectful. If I am with my bros I might go chasing women, but often if with female friends or couples I will stay with the company. Pulling women in front of someone who you know fancies you is nasty. He is not her friend and she should cut contact.

Wompa1

MRBEAVER wrote: »

Not saying he shouldn't have a girlfriend but taking her out with him when he is "on the pull" is disrespectful. If I am with my bros I might go chasing women, but often if with female friends or couples I will stay with the company. Pulling women in front of someone who you know fancies you is nasty. He is not her friend and she should cut contact.

I'd kind of agree with this, if he know she has a crush on him and does it then it is a bit cruel. Alright it's not his problem, but if he is actually a true friend then he wouldn't do it.

Maybe make one last attempt at a relationship with him and if he turns you down move on. Personally I don't think I'd want to be a in a relationship with someone I've seen going home with people for my own eyes..It would probably all come back to me and put me off

Bottle_of_Smoke

Are you sure he is not interested in you?

If he really isn't then there's no point remaining best friends. Take a step back. As you seem to be aware it is just torture

dinjo

the OP says that he didnt like you anymore..... did a conversation actually take place between ye about your feeling for him... if not. thats your answer. he has to know exacetly how your feel. it may turn out that he still likes you but its afraid that you will shoot him down again...

going off with other girls seems like a petty way to try and make you jealous..... why would he do that... he still likes you !!

S23

Lads are we living on another planet today or what? He made and advance on her and got knocked back. Further down the line she did the same and got knocked back. They both remain friends. Thats the long and short of it.

All this talk of him being cruel and not being with other women if he was a 'true friend' is completely absurd. Is he supposed to take a vow of chastity just because the OP missed the boat with him? As for it seeming like him being petty and trying to make her jealous thats nonsense as there is nothing in what the OP said to suggest that whatsoever. That's not to say it's impossible but we don't know the inner workings of his brain and have only the info the OP gave to work with. None of which indicates he's taking the piss.

I imagine he had to watch the OP in social situations with other men when he still had feelings for her. That doesn't mean she was being cruel or trying to make him jealous either.

Let's not forget he was the first one to put himself out on the line and tell her how he felt and who is to say he wasn't crushed when he got knocked back. He picked himself up, dusted himself off and moved on while still being mature enough to maintain the friendship.

As for picking up other women when they are out. So what? Are you only supposed to interact with women when in exclusively male company? A friend is a friend regardless of their sex surely? If going out to nightclubs or pubs and picking up women is something you do with your friends then it hardly matters if the OP is male or female only that she is his friend.

If she has that big a problem with it then she can choose not to go with him to these places. She's the one with the problem not him. He shouldn't have to restrict where he goes or who he chats to or who he picks up on account of the OP. If it pains her to see this stuff then she needs to not be there when it happens. If she chooses to be there in these places then she needs to deal with it.

All the OP can do is be honest and open about her feelings for him one last time. Lay it all on the line and see if he is interested. If he's not (which he's perfectly entitled to be) then it's up to the OP to deal with that and all it entails or start the process of removing herself from a situation that she can't handle.

LegacyUser

Ok well he wasn't crushed, when he liked me i made it clear i liked him but I was just not ready for anything, i wanted to take things slow and get to know him. My feelings grew much stronger and when i wanted to turn this situation into a relationship, he didn't want that anymore. This situation now gets very complicated as we sorta do "stuff" if you know what i mean, and he'll still get with other ppl so were are sorta in a friends with benefits situation where i like him and it's really hard to tell how how feels about me. He said himself he doesn't know if he wants a relationship or not. I'm one of those ppl who thinks far too much into everything now, but lately he's being I dunno different in a more affectionate way. I dunno if he simply values my company as a friend or wants more. He's never had a girlfriend before. I really don't want to ask him again as I really can't handle being shoot down again. He has said about all the girls he does get with which is very few, it's just the same one often, that he has no emotional attachment to them at all. Now my friends are as confused as me on this predicament. What should I do? Walk away from everything I've ever wanted or take things slow until I get a sure sign whether he's interested or not. For the record I've had plenty of people interested in me recently (not being cocky) but I haven't had that spark that i get from this guy.

S23

And you didn't think any of this was relevant info to begin with. I've no idea what relationship you really have or haven't got with this person OP. I take all this 'after the fact' info that gets thrown into these threads with a big, big pinch of salt.

I've seen too many threads where the OP doesn't get the advice they want to hear then starts adding this, that and the next thing in the hope of getting more 'favourable' advice. I don't see how you could have possibly thought that the info you have just added wasn't relevant in the first place.

All of a sudden he's your fcuk buddy and you think he might want a relationship but you don't know. He's gone from not being interested in you to telling you he doesn't know if he's ready or not yet. Now he's apparently told you that he has no emotional attachment to these, all of a sudden very few, other girls he's been with. As well as him apparently never having had a girlfriend now.

If you're not mature enough to talk to him about your relationship again but you're still more than capable of apparently having a sexual relationship with him then I suggest you're not ready for any kind of relationship.

And that's me done because I'm sure the parameters will change again at some point in this thread.

Best of luck OP

Virgil°

unregistered wrote: »

For the record I've had plenty of people interested in me recently (not being cocky) but I haven't had that spark that i get from this guy.

This is the bit that stood out for me OP. Of course you aren't getting the same spark from them. Thats because the infatuation you have for this guy is clouding your judgement. For all you know any one of these other guys could be your perfect guy and you are letting them slip by as you get dicked about by this guy who doesn't know what he wants or at least isn't for telling you what he wants.
Dont go about reading into the signs that probably dont mean anything.Ask him straight out if he wants more, if he says yes(and he will if hes interested, trust me) then happy days. If he says no or that he "doesn't know"(as good as "no" in my book) then you have your answer and you can get on with your life without wondering what if.

Chicago Chick

From what you have posted here you really need to sit him down and talk to him about where you stand and if he is not interested in you, you need to cut your losses and move on.

You mentioned in your second post that you are "friends with benefits" so by the sounds of it this guy has the best of both worlds. He has his "benefits" with you and yet he can still go out and pick up girls around you and you say nothing? There are plenty of both guys and girls who would be delighted to have things so handy and be able to be with who they want when they want without having to commit to anyone. However it does not sound like you are happy with this arrangement so really it is up to you to sit down with him talk it out and if he is not interested let him go.

Elbi

for your own sanity I dont think its such a good idea being in such a close "friendship". I think you need to put your cards on the table, tell him exactly how you feel and then if he doesnt feel the same i think you should distance yourself from him because if you dont you will continue to feel confused and feel hurt when he goes off with other girls.