no sexual arousal

LegacyUser

Hi,

29 year old female here. Very unexperienced with men. To try to summarise my life to date: Bullied at secondary school led to really low self-esteem, low confidence. Went to all girls school therefore little or no contact with boys back then. College was similar, female dominated college, have always had the low confidence, which mean't I never got anywhere with men. I was depressed for around 2 years, about 2/3 years ago. Got over that as well as some other issues with some counselling which was completed a couple of months ago. All going well now in general, I'm much more positive, and feel a lot more brave and positive about my future and meeting men.

Now, when it came to experience, all I have ever done is kiss men, maybe had a little feel around. Always wondered why I'm not more sexually excited with more men when I get up close to them. I've fancied numerous men over the years, but 90% of the time I never get them (low confidence). To me the word fancy means I get excited/nervous when in their company and just feel a pull towards them in general. To me, fancy does not mean 'sexual arousal' if you know what I mean. I remember when I was first got 'aroused', I was 18 (yes probably a late starter). Anytime he'd put his arms around me, I've get aroused, kissing again I was very very aroused. It felt great!!! Since then, and the start of college years, in some ways I think my low confidence might even have deteriorated a bit, I started to believe I was ugly, during my teens I was never really that down on my looks. Anytime I'd snog anyone from age 18 onwards (not all that often from the age of 20-28), I've never really feel it, but most of these guy I didnt' fancy from a distance so not being aroused by them was no big deal i suppose. Once or twice i'd fancy a guy, maybe even feel a wave of arousal over me at the sight of them, happened once on a date a few years ago, I got slightly aroused at the sight of him, or if he gently touched my arm suddenly, or gave me a peck without warning, but when it came to retaining this arousal, absolutely no hope!

More recently, I've met someone. Again, first date went good, a little aroused when we were snogging but no retention. Got a bit aroused at the sight of him once or twice, but now I find this fading.

I am starting to wonder if there's something wrong with my body, or is the link between psychology/physiology a bit broken. Also, in my teens, if I ever watched kissing/sex scenes i'd feel something. I haven't felt that in YEARS. beause I'm so inexperienced, I'm not sure if what I feel/don't feel is normal. (Ok, I do know there is no 'normal', but you know what I mean > usual for a young person!). Some of my friends would chat about meeting/snogging random men, and they'd say things like "oh I definitely fancied him from the start", and i'd always sit and wonder, 'Jesus what is wrong with my body'. I sometimes think that arousal in in me, and that I could be a really sexual being, it's just that it needs to be released if you get my meaning. another thing that might be worth mentioning, is that when I was between the ages of 13/15 my Mam would be giving myself and my sister the sex talk, and about how boys can wait till we were older and that a lot of men are only after one thing. At the time, I think I was nearly put off boys, and was afraid of them in a way, even still I can be a little hesitant around them!! With hindsight, I wonder if that kind of guidance, combined with shyness, bullying(detrimental effect on my self-esteem), has somehow caused havoc with something inside me that make my body/sexual urges withdraw or shy away. I'm not sure exactly what I'm getting at. It's just that it is starting to bother me, that when I meet men (happening more often now that i'm putting myself out there more), that I'm not feeling the sensations that I believe I should be.

Sorry that this is such a long post? I'm a little bit clueless really. Can any women out here share their thoughts/experiences, of anyone out there with some medical background who might be able to give me some tips.
Thanks a lot for reading such a long post

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
A lot of men have posted about performance issues but not a lot of women. I think a lot of times it is over lookked but yes a girl can suffer from similar things if she is over thinking it and doesn't relax. Remember arousal starts in the brain and then your body follows. (get wet etc)
Like the men have been advised, dont do anything you dont feel comfortable with and perhaps think about talking to a councellor. They have heard it all before but with men it's pretty in your face (no erection). with women they are just expected to go along with it. Hope you get some good advice here and believe me it can get better.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the messages. they make me feel a bit better. I have to say it has always baffled me as to how some girls can go out and have one night stands!!!! It would be next to impossible for me. Well it could be done but with lzero feeling. Maybe part of it is that some girls are a lot more sexually charged than others.....

Ickle Magoo

Could it be that you just haven't met a guy that makes you weak at the knee yet rather than there being anything inherently "wrong" with you? I've met and chatted to many men, I've fancied only a tiny proportion of them and you could count on your hands the number that I've been sexually attracted to the point that I feel turned on just by looking at them.

I'm presuming that you find it easy enough to get turned on yourself or thinking sexy thoughts? Because if you aren't good at getting yourself turned on and in touch with your own sexuality then it's going to be very difficult for any guy to do it - even one you know well, never mind a randomer.

All the best.

kjl

OP, you talk about being aroused by watching kissing scenes on TV when you were younger, well I am male, and I used to get aroused fashion catalogues. You grow up and it does take more to arouse you.

I think due to never really experiencing sexual feelings that maybe you are confused by what actual arousal is.

Lux23

I don't know if this is a help but I don't remember feeling 'horny' until after I was sexually active. And its very unusual for me to physically crave someone, happens occasionally but normally they need to do a bit of work before I want them. But this is just me.

MRBEAVER

Think it can be natures way of not making us too frustrated. I have found that in barren periods my sex drive and capacity to be aroused declines. when sexually active I am more easily aroused. OP. You may find that if you get some sexual experience your capacity to be aroused will increase. This may sound like settling for less than the ideal. but not every sexual experience has to involve love or commitement.