Ex Girlfriends

booboo88

Im having a bit of trouble with an ex, not one of mine but an ex of his, I understand she was there for him when he needed someone but shes consistantly ringing and texting him.
About her relationships, which is causing problems in ours.
at one point in time we were in bed early on a sunday morning (10:30)
and she wanted to ring him for a chat
Hes saying hes told her to back off but she wont stop.
I love the guy but im not sure how much more I can take.
I realise i sound like a selfish insecure cow but its really niggling at me.
HELP!!!!:(

OhMeOhMy

I would be insecure in this situation also! How long are they broken up? How long were they together? Under what circumstances did they break up? Sorry, just trying to get a better understanding of this

I would certainly speak with your boyfriend regarding this. To me it sounds like she is still keen on him and using the 'relationship problems' tactic to either let him know that she is seeing other guys, try and make him jealous or try to evoke feelings of nostalgia in him about their relationship!

I wouldn't be happy with this at all and if I were you, I would make sure your boyfriend understands that this is not conducive to your relationship. Whether you are 'insecure' or not, if it is affecting you adversely then it needs to change for the sake of your relationship

booboo88

They've broken up a few months now to which she got with someone else a few days later, also together for two years.
What bothers me more is I made sure my ex does not contact me, but shes on fb, texting ringing, I've tried talking to him but I dont know how to word it in such a way I dont sound like just a jealous gf.


But its not like things were that great between them
alot of stuff went on which Im not going to spill here

Johro

booboo88 wrote: »

Im having a bit of trouble with an ex, not one of mine but an ex of his, I understand she was there for him when he needed someone but shes consistantly ringing and texting him.
About her relationships, which is causing problems in ours.
at one point in time we were in bed early on a sunday morning (10:30)
and she wanted to ring him for a chat
Hes saying hes told her to back off but she wont stop.
I love the guy but im not sure how much more I can take.
I realise i sound like a selfish insecure cow but its really niggling at me.
HELP!!!!:(

Heya, I see where you were coming from earlier. When you say 'Hes saying hes told her to back off but she wont stop' he's obviously not made it clear enough, and he should. You're being very apologetic here but you have a right to question it, and you definitely are not a 'selfish insecure cow' to do just that. When you say you realise she was there for him, is that what he said to you? Coz okay, in a relationship you're both there for each other but that relationship is over. I'm all for people staying friends after they break up if they can at all, but 'constantly ringing and texting him' would be too much for anyone..
How to tell him without coming across as a jealous girlfriend? I dunno..
Tell him you're with him and you need him more? You're there for him? He's got to realise any girl would be seriously worried about where this was going. Most girls that want to talk about their relationships do so with girl friends, not ex boyfriends. That's just weird and sounds very manipulative.

whatsamsn

I'd be cautious here.
In this world when it comes to ex's still hanging around the scene you got to be very cautious. Many a "mistake" ( :rolleyes: ) has happened if you know what I mean.

To avoid coming off as an insecure girlfriend i would wait a bit more. Either by waiting until she does something in which you can comfortable turn around and go "hold on..." or if she continues her "overly-friendless"


As for your boyfriend? ... how much has her let her know? ... if at all? Its very easy to let someone know whats what. A few ignored phone calls/texts would do the trick. Thats not to say dont trust him. Its just how hard has he really tried? He is playing ignorant and not seeing your issue?

booboo88

whatsamsn wrote: »

I'd be cautious here.
In this world when it comes to ex's still hanging around the scene you got to be very cautious. Many a "mistake" ( :rolleyes: ) has happened if you know what I mean.

To avoid coming off as an insecure girlfriend i would wait a bit more. Either by waiting until she does something in which you can comfortable turn around and go "hold on..." or if she continues her "overly-friendless"


As for your boyfriend? ... how much has her let her know? ... if at all? Its very easy to let someone know whats what. A few ignored phone calls/texts would do the trick. Thats not to say dont trust him. Its just how hard has he really tried? He is playing ignorant and not seeing your issue?

Well when I'm around he'll ignore the phone calls and texts. But I dont know when Im not around.
Its not like im not friends with my exes im friends with all bar one but I would text them on a rare occasion or just to say hi the odd tiem.
Like he is good at giving advice but I just hate this niggling paranoia.

EmmaGEM11

I think you are being more than fair. To be honest I think your boyfriend needs to tow the line with the ex.

I don't think you need explain yourself or preface a conversation with him about you not being insecure or jealous, you're being very reasonable and if your boyfriend has any cop he will deal with this now and respect your relationship and you.

booboo88

thanks guy. If only I could show him cuz when now lately Im telling him thats its ok cuz I dont want to lose him

EmmaGEM11

I don't want to bring up cliches to you but you deserve better than that. Is she still texting and ringing him?

I know you don't want to lose him but a relationship is based on mutual respect and your boyfriend is out of order..

booboo88 wrote: »

thanks guy. If only I could show him cuz when now lately Im telling him thats its ok cuz I dont want to lose him

booboo88

Ive decided to give him an ultimatum. he cuts contact with her or me.
So the ball will be in his court.


Oh kinda brickin it now tho

LegacyUser

Hi, I've been in a situation like this and after a lot of fights between me and the OH, it was the ex-girlfriend who ended up giving my (now ex) boyfriend the ultimatum. He chose me. Maybe you should hold out for a bit and let the other one look like the crazy. Especially with Christmas coming up...she might be lonelier and expecting more from him, which will force the issue a bit wit him having to tell her to back off...something to think about?

Seraphina

I would be VERY wary about ultimatums, depending on what the mutual friend situation is like. Do they still hang out in groups, do the have the same friends, or is it just her hanging on? I think you can be very clear on the situation without specifically saying "it's her or me", as that kind of statement does actually make you look insecure and can also put him on the spot, which he might not like. Next time she calls, make a joke about there being three people in the relationship. Ask him what he thinks of her behaviour, and does he not think it's weird that she's always calling him like this. Make it clear to him that you think this is inappropriate behaviour and pretty clingy and sad from what you can see - does she not have girlfriends she talks about this stuff with?

If it continues, politely request that he speaks to her about it. A perfect time to do this would be if she calls some stupid time like 10am on a Sunday again. Tell him you're tired of your time together being interrupted by her calls, that it's f'ing ridiculous, whatever seems suitable for the time/mood. As the poster above said, wait until HE gets tired of her, but don't try and force it from your side. If he's always ignoring her calls, it'll definitely happen sooner rather than later I expect.

booboo88

Thats the thing. he lives in limerick and she lives dublin so they do really hang out in the same groups.
They have mutual friends but not that many.
Whats bugging me is the fact my ex was ringing me while he was there i made to sure to put a stop to it,
which possibly answers my question. Possibly better off just leaving them at it

whatsamsn

Its definitely one of those things BooBoo.
I say since this is an issue for you (it would be for me too) tell your boyfriend you dont like these calls etc.

Your argument should be what it is... that as his current gf, and she being his ex you are uncomfortable with her over friendlyness. Phase it in a nice way. Then just see what happens next.

booboo88

thank you guys wish me luck
Ima need it

Wompa1

booboo88 wrote: »

thank you guys wish me luck
Ima need it

Best of luck. I'm sure he'll stick with you anyway. To be honest if they didn't end well I wouldn't fear this, she's probably really insecure and he's too nice for his own good.

Personally I don't talk to any of my ex's anymore after a certain point I realised it doesn't do them any good or me. My current g/f was in contact with two ex's, one who she claims broke her heart and also after he got married tried to start an affair with her. And she was talking and seeing a guy that cheated on her and impregnated another woman. I really couldn't grasp why she would associate herself with those a-holes, I didn't give her an ultamatum but I made my feelings known. I don't think she contacts them anymore or vice versa..

Elle Collins

I'm really not reading this the way many other posters are. I mean, you say they've only broken up a few months OP. If they've only broken up a few months then presumably you've only been with him a couple of months. In a timespan as short as that how secure and committed can your relationship be?

I just don't think you're in a position to be making the sort of demands you're planning. Personally I would never tolerate a partner as recent in my life as you are in your bf's telling me who to keep in my life and who to get rid of. They'd be pretty much ensuring they'd be gotten rid of themselves, to be honest.

Johro

Yeah I gotta confess I must've skimmed that a bit, a few months is not long enough to be making demands, it's still a bit of a fledgling relationship in which case I'd give it some time too.

Sleepy

You're walking a tightrope here OP. If a partner tried to tell me that I wasn't allowed to contact my exes, they'd be joinging that group very quickly.

Some of us are lucky enough to have occassionally been sensible enough in our choice of partners that when it transpires that the other person and ourselves don't make a good couple, a friendship isn't an impossibility.

Caliden

Sounds like he is loving the attention he is getting.

Tell him calmly that it's just not on and that it's disrespectful to you that it's continuing.
Ask him how would he feel if the roles were reversed, if he says he wouldnt be a slight bit jealous then he is lying.

Despite whatever history they have together, he is with you now and shouldnt be speaking to other women, let alone an ex, while he is with you.

booboo88

Sleepy wrote: »

You're walking a tightrope here OP. If a partner tried to tell me that I wasn't allowed to contact my exes, they'd be joinging that group very quickly.

Some of us are lucky enough to have occassionally been sensible enough in our choice of partners that when it transpires that the other person and ourselves don't make a good couple, a friendship isn't an impossibility.

contacting an ex i have no problem with. its the sheer amount of it.
and from wat ive been told it didnt end well.
If i was as insecure and demanding as your making out would i not be gettin him to cut contact with female friends aswell?