Want to take 'step back' from living with gf

LegacyUser

I've been living with my gf of two years for nearly a year.

Things have been fine for the most part but our relationship has really lost a lot of steam or something. I feel it's because she's a difficult person to live with and I don't feel as good about her personality now. She tends to be really negative and prone to nagging about domestic minutae and simultaneously quite inclined to only suit herself about other little things.

I suppose I feel kind of trapped and I'm wondering if there's any going back. I don't know how I can say I don't want to live with her any more but do still want to stay together.
I've talked about moving back before and I know if I suggest it she'll FREAK and make it into something like a break up when I don't necessarily want that at all.

I feel like there are important things I need to do while I'm young that can't really involve a girlfriend or at least living with one - mostly just pursuits I spend time on but also lifestyle choices and financial choices.

Also, sex life has slowed to nearly a stop. Usually not more than once a week and I tend not to be satisfied on each occasion. She always is.
I don't know what to put it down to. I definitely think the sides of her I've seen from living together have made her less attractive. The prospect of sex with her isn't really appealing to me now... I don't even feel like I want to "work on" that, if that's even possible.


The long and short of it is that I would just like things to be more like when we didn't live together. I was more attracted to her. More and more I find her personality to be sort of negative. She's so quick to anger and take it out on me over things that have nothing to do with me. She almost didn't speak to me for a whole evening when the council turned our water off, one example. She expects me to be perfectly considerate about not using the last of household supplies and then she'll do it herself without a thought to me. Normally I wouldn't care only for her expectation that I should act differently.
I'm tired of trying to make her understand that she's pulling double-standard stuff like this all the time.

I'm sure people will say someone I can't live with is someone I shouldn't be with at all, don't worry, I'm already taking that into consideration.
Any thoughts or advice appreciated.

Beruthiel

I'm sure people will say someone I can't live with is someone I shouldn't be with at all

Well, is that not correct?
Do you not think that she expects some kind of future with you?
Do you think she will accept the fact that this future means you living elsewhere for the rest of your lives?
Be realistic OP, she most defo will see this as a step back in your relationship.

Have you actually sat her down and explained how you feel?
You say she nags about the housework, are you doing your fair share?

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

Well, is that not correct?
Do you not think that she expects some kind of future with you?
Do you think she will accept the fact that this future means you living elsewhere for the rest of your lives?
Be realistic OP, she most defo will see this as a step back in your relationship.

Have you actually sat her down and explained how you feel?
You say she nags about the housework, are you doing your fair share?

Of course. It'd be ridiculous of me to have posted most of that if I didn't believe I was being very considerate toward my gf.

Yeah I know she will see it as a step back, I don't think I said she wouldn't. That's why I put the phrase step back in the title.

And yeah we have talked about it before (I didn't decide to make a PI thread in Boards as my first resort, believe it or not) when I said I thought I should move out and every time so far she's just said she'll be more easy going about trivial things in future. I'd say that lasted a couple days at best each time. I know it seems like I'm saying the problem is all with her but I'm actually day in day out going to trouble to please and appease the girl and even then if something out of my control goes wrong, I get cold treatment from her, in spite of my staying positive.

About what I mentioned about breaking up altogether, like I said I've taken it into consideration but I don't feel like that's necessary or my only choice at this stage...


On top of all of this I feel homesick and would like to come back home to my family for a while. It might be a ridiculous notion but I keep thinking about the how short the time I have with my parents might turn out to be. Do you guys think this is a fair reason in the least?mI don't think she will understand this reason or I think she might resent it because she doesn't have the same relationship and living at home isn't an option for her.

Of course I'll just talk to her again but I was looking for advice on how it might work, if at all.

seenitall

Your g/f sounds like a lot of hard work, OP, your relationship sounds as completely unrewarding for you, and you sound as if the only thing stopping you from moving out, and in time putting the whole relationship behind you, is the fear of her reaction.

Stew in your status quo, by all means, if you are not ready to break up yet, but IMO it is clear as day where this is heading. And you will be all the happier for it.

Best wishes.

Kingpin187

If you want it to work, then instead of coming on here you should be having a serious chat with her. Let her know you want to talk about things and set aside an evening where you can do that with no interruptions.

Thats what I would do if I felt that way about my OH

whatsamsn

I dont see a happy ending for this one sadly.

think about it:

- you say you want to move out to your own place. she will flip and it could end the relationship.
- possibility is that if she agrees and everything is fine, you might realise you just dont want to be with her. Afterall you want to move out. Just could be the tip of the iceberg.


IMO, if you suggest moving out she very may well dump you.

LegacyUser

More than likely your OH has picked up on the fact that you're thinking about all the bigger and better things to be doing, than being stuck in the house with her. (women tend to be fairly perceptive on body language/"vibes", they KNOW when a guy isn't fully committed to a relationship). Hence her negativity& bad mood. Maybe you've even communicated to her already that you feel living with her is holding you back. What age are you both do you mind me asking? Also, what sort of stuff would you be doing financially ect if you weren't tied into this relationship? Bit confused as to that.

Chinafoot

OP, have you ever heard the expression "If you want to know me come and live with me"?

What you have experienced over the past year is who your girlfriend is. Your moving out isn't going to change that, it will just change how often you see it. You are less attracted to her because of her behaviour and thats fair enough, she sounds like she can be rather unreasonable. But if it's a part-time girlfriend you're after, and tbh thats exactly what this sounds like, then she does have the right to say no. If my boyfriend decided he wanted to move out after living together for a year in order to live what is essentially a single life, I personally would be very unhappy. I'd be worried about our future and I would think he didn't respect our relationship at all.

Say she does agree to it and you stay together, what happens a year or two down the road when she wants to move in again? You already know what living with her is like. What do you think will be different then?

By all means, tell her you want to go back home to your parents but don't expect her to be happy about it. I'd suggest you ask yourself if its a casual relationship you want. If it is, give her the option to find the serious relationship she wants.

S23

What Chinafoot said + 1,000,000

That's who she is OP. Simple as that.

You're describing wanting to go back to the part of the relationship where you don't know each other. The bit where you see each other twice a week and it's always to have fun/go out/do various things and generally have a lot of sex since the opportunities are limited to a day or two a week.

You can't expect her to agree to that. You can either work on your relationship and try to move forward or pack it all in. It's about as simple as that.

LegacyUser

Op I am just out of relationship and have sympathy for your predicament. what age are you? You cant stay in your relationship for fear of her reaction. In relation to the feeling trapped bit, now that Im out of it, I quickly forget what it was like, but at the time it was awful. I highly disagree with Chinafoots assertion, about part time girlfriends, Ill tell you from my experience alot of them literally do expect you to become full time, i.e dump your mates, family, hobbies, activities etc. If this is the type of girl you are with I dont think they can be changed. This is YOUR life, do what is right for you. I 100% concur with Seenitall's post.

whatsamsn

Agree with Chinafoot and S23 too.

Op, this is your life. Life is about living and doing what you want. So if you want to move out etc then by all means do that. Just know by doing so your gf is most likely to break up with you. So expect her negitive reaction.


Personally, I think the relationship is winding down on your side. Which is fair enough. But rather than to fully awknowledge that you feel that by moving out and things reverting back it'll be all ok. Only thing I can say is do what is right for you and do whats right for her.

Beruthiel

waveringfinger wrote: »

I was looking for advice on how it might work, if at all.

The only way to know a person is to live with them. That way, you know if you are compatible or not. From your pov, you're not.
You cannot change someone to the idea you have in your head and though you might want this to work, it doesn't appear to be.
You missing home is not helping your outlook in any favourable way.

If you are going to make a life time commitment to someone, you must be 100% sure.
You're not.
So the question is, why are you trying to stay with someone you have so many problems with?

Dinge

I'm not seeing any real reasons why you should stay with your gf. Definitely the only way to get to know a person properly is to live with them and you're learning to your cost that she's not the girl you thought she was. I can understand why you're hankering after the happier days before you moved in together and when you thought she was wonderful. It's clouding your judgement though. What's the point of keeping this going when you're incompatible if you live together? Or are you just sticking with her for convenience - that better to have a girlfriend that you're not totally happy with than to be single and out there again.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I guess it is almost a shame living together is so closely linked to relationship status. Heard of a couple who are married but live in seperate houses. Stay over in each other's place regualarly but like to have the solitary option. Started out they got separated and were gonna divorce but patched things up whilst living apart and realised that was the key to their happiness.

A less extreme version is a couple I knew who lived together but each have their own bedroom, once again will regularly share a bed but it is just a private space they can chill out within the relationship.

Also it sounds like shes being a very bad girlfriend, you've been open about your feelings and she responds to them for short periods and then reverts to her old ways. This is a lazy attitude toward the relationship and needs to change

S23

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I guess it is almost a shame living together is so closely linked to relationship status.

That's a bizarre statement. Living together is, in 99% of cases, a natural progression, after a period of time, for people who commit to the long term relationships. When people talk about wanting to spend the rest of their lives together the operative word tends to be together. Granted everyone needs their own time and space but living together is a basic tenent of most long term/serious relationships.

Sure you can pick out the 1% cases where people live in seperate houses. There are also people who have 6 wives or open relationships etc... I wouldn't go around saying it's a shame only having one wife/being monogamous is so closely linked to relationship status.

People are free to not go with the general social convention but to say it's a shame that there are certain convetions surrounding being in a relationship is misleading. Especially in this case with it being a convention as basic as being able to stand the person you live with.

What the OP is looking for would not be on the cards or alright 99% of the time. Now, fair enough, he might get lucky and him and his OH might fall into the 1% category but there is a much higher chance they won't.

The relationship moved forward for a period of time. After a year they decided to move in together. Since then the OP has found out his OH is not the person he thought she was and now he doesn't want to live with her anymore. Going back to not living with her won't change the person she really is. It seems to me that the relationship has probably just come to a natural conclusion but because of the time invested in it there is a lot of trepidation involved in just making a clean break.

The OP can approach her with his proposal of moving out and basically regressing the relationship 12+ months. Or he can sit down and talk to her about her behaviour and general attitude. If he does the former he's likely to be met with a not very favourable response. If he does the latter only time can tell if his OH is prepared to work hard enough at their relationship to make it work. And even then they might just not be compatible.

LegacyUser

I completely agree with the idea that the level of commitment is not related to living together, and that it's possible to have a wonderful relationship without necessarily sharing a house.

I know a handful of friends who actually decided to not "take the step forwards" n kept their separate places, and it works great. One couple in particular has been doing it for the last 15 years. They do live close by, like 15 min away, but they decided to keep their individuality, and be with each for choice, not for obligation.

I suppose having a child is the only reason I would think a couple *should* live together.

Other than that, I think each couple is free to make their own rules. I, for one, have a really hard time living with anyone, boyfriend or flatmate, because I have a huge urge to be alone in order to wind down. It has nothing to do with the depths of my feelings for my partner.

Chinafoot

Anon.. wrote: »

I completely agree with the idea that the level of commitment is not related to living together, and that it's possible to have a wonderful relationship without necessarily sharing a house.

I know a handful of friends who actually decided to not "take the step forwards" n kept their separate places, and it works great. One couple in particular has been doing it for the last 15 years. They do live close by, like 15 min away, but they decided to keep their individuality, and be with each for choice, not for obligation.

I suppose having a child is the only reason I would think a couple *should* live together.

Other than that, I think each couple is free to make their own rules. I, for one, have a really hard time living with anyone, boyfriend or flatmate, because I have a huge urge to be alone in order to wind down. It has nothing to do with the depths of my feelings for my partner.

Yes, each couple is free to make that decision, but in the OPs case his girlfriend does not want that. He can't make that decision by himself.

Also, his desire to move out in this instance is indicative of the depth of his feelings for her. He is not as attracted to her as he was before and he doesn't want to live with her because of her unreasonable behaviour. Moving out now and continuing the relationship is simply him chosing to ignore the aspects of her personality that made living together completely unworkable. It doesn't change who she is as a person. She's still that cold and unreasonable person, he just won't see as much of it anymore.

As I said before, if he wants a part-time or casual thing then he should by all means go for it and do what makes him happy. He can't however make that decision for this relationship as his girlfriend has made it clear that she doesnt want him to move out.

S23

Look you can quote the one couple you know who does things a bit differently all you want. The facts are (and they are facts) that the vast, vast majority of people want a regular progression in their relationship. We all know a quirky couple in some respect but for that one couple there are dozens of couples who are 'normal' in the general set up of their relationship.

As I said the OP and his other half might fall into the 1% category but it certainly doesn't sound like it. The OP has strongly indicated his OH's response will be extremely negative and that she will be hurt and 'freak out' i think was the phrase.

So telling the OP about the novel couple out of all the couples you know who have an alternative living arrangement is about as useful as tits on a bull in this case. Yeah we all know there are people who get along with different types of relationship and living arrangment. Going by what the OP has said this isn't one of those cases. This thread isn't to tell people about our friends and their alternative lifestyles its about helping the OP with his direct situation.

He has flat out said he's not as attracted to his partner as much anymore. He's also said he has stuff he feels he wants to do that don't nessicarily involve a girlfriend (I'm assuming he meant a serious one) and he has conflicting things he want's to pursue with regards to lifestyle choices. He even said he doesn't want to 'work on it' anymore with regard to their sex life slowing down. As Chinafoot suggested this is all clearly indicative of a change in the depth of the OP's feelings for his OH.

So he wants move out, not try and work on their sex life problems, do stuff that doesn't nessicarily involved having the commitment of a girlfriend and make lifestyle changes that conflict with being in a serious relationship with someone. This is all what the OP has said not what I'm saying.

People are free to make their own rules sure. The OH in this case is free to tell him to get a grip and go fcuk himself if he wants to move out and live a semi-single lifestyle because that's exactly what he's described. Look at the language he used.

important things I need to do while I'm young that can't really involve a girlfriend or at least living with one

I definitely think the sides of her I've seen from living together have made her less attractive. The prospect of sex with her isn't really appealing to me now... I don't even feel like I want to "work on" that

I don't think quaint little stories of couples with alternative living arrangements are going to help the OP in this case. Not unless his OH has a sudden change of heart and is happy to let him go off and do his 'important things' and is happy to sit on the sidelines after 2 years together.

seenitall

I'm not sure what are people getting so het up about on here.

If you read the OP's post, and if you know how to read between the lines, it is fairly obvious a break up is on the cards, and not some wholehearted attempt by the OP to regain the honeymoon phase of the relationship (therefore no need to worry he is going to try and strong-arm the poor girl into a "let's live apart but together" kind of thing). I know what he says literally but the lack of love or hope for a realistic future with this girl is almost palpable, let alone the very evident wish to live the single life in order to be doing single-type stuff. Rocket science indeed. Now, some people like to slightly fool themselves because they are not great at confrontation, but you can't so easily fake what you don't feel any more. He doesn't love or appreciate the girl, the relationship is dead in the water and only a matter of time for the OP to get his courage up to leave it.

The issue of co-habitation is completely beside the point, a mere distraction from the main event.

Wibbs

My 3 cents?

waveringfinger wrote: »

Things have been fine for the most part but our relationship has really lost a lot of steam or something.

At two years and living together for one, the honeymoon period has largely passed and you're into the "do I practically think this will be for life/really long term" phase. One of the hardest transitions for any relationship IMHO, if not the hardest. Hence you'll see this as a consistent pattern in PI/RI. It's almost a rule.

I feel it's because she's a difficult person to live with and I don't feel as good about her personality now. She tends to be really negative and prone to nagging about domestic minutae and simultaneously quite inclined to only suit herself about other little things.

Now you're seeing her as she is without(or as well as) a lovers eyes and this concerns you. It probably concerned you early enough into the living together part, but the novelty masked it a fair bit. She's also seeing you the same way, but seems happy enough to continue on. IME A lot of relationships continue on because your lives have become so intertwined that the idea of leaving is more of an effort in your head than leaving and starting afresh. Plus for many the idea of being single and starting again really freaks them out. That's a very common one.

I suppose I feel kind of trapped

Never good, or at least it's an indicator of something really amiss. Duuuh say you, otherwise you wouldnt be here. Personally speaking any time I felt trapped, whether it be a job, living arrangements or relationships, the fact is I was trapped.

and I'm wondering if there's any going back. I don't know how I can say I don't want to live with her any more but do still want to stay together.

This is where I would slightly disagree or take a different tack with seenitall's last post. I think you are trying to get back to the honeymoon phase for yourself. Or get back those feelings in yourself that are now on the wane because of living together.

I've talked about moving back before and I know if I suggest it she'll FREAK and make it into something like a break up when I don't necessarily want that at all.

Oh I get you, but lets face it, she will see it as a prelude to a break and I would agree with her and suspect you agree deep down yourself. You may well be hoping this change might reset the mechanism, but I'd be really surprised if it did. She will freak. And those traits you find irritating now will become more prevalent as she fights this or tries to disconnect from you knowing its coming. Now she might fight this by trying to make an effort to go back to the old days, but that won't last IMHO. What you see now is what you're gonna see long term. On both sides.

I feel like there are important things I need to do while I'm young that can't really involve a girlfriend or at least living with one - mostly just pursuits I spend time on but also lifestyle choices and financial choices.

Completely understandable, but again she's unlikely to g along with that beyond lip service.

Also, sex life has slowed to nearly a stop.

Pretty much always a bad sign, even in isolation.

Usually not more than once a week and I tend not to be satisfied on each occasion. She always is.

If she is satisfied and that's fine, people vary quite a bit on this need, but you're not? That's unlikely to change either. Except like I said as part of a temporary "let's fight for this" thing.

I was more attracted to her. More and more I find her personality to be sort of negative. She's so quick to anger and take it out on me over things that have nothing to do with me. She almost didn't speak to me for a whole evening when the council turned our water off, one example. She expects me to be perfectly considerate about not using the last of household supplies and then she'll do it herself without a thought to me. Normally I wouldn't care only for her expectation that I should act differently.
I'm tired of trying to make her understand that she's pulling double-standard stuff like this all the time.

I've been there Ted. That's the self centered entirely subjective response coming out. All too common. The household supplies a good example. It's all about her. So she's pissed off at you, because you have taken away her supplies. When she wants to use them herself, you don't figure in her thought process as subconcsiously or not, they're hers. She sounds like the type of person who filters all life through her first. Even when it looks like consideration you'll often find it's because she gets positive feedback for herself. Like I said, been there Ted and have seen it time and time again with others, in men and women. And I'll say this with little fear of being proved wrong; that won't change. Its her default position. That alone would have me walking away TBH.

The long and short of it is that I would just like things to be more like when we didn't live together.

Yes and I really do get that, but like I said how she is now and has been for a while(I doubt this is a sudden thing as you come across as measured about this), this is who she is, more than it's not. Some men and women put on quite a front in the early stages of relationships. Not deliberately, just they're more different in personality when they're "in love".

TL;DR? I agree with seenitall on this, though I'd put it differently. You are detaching from her in stages. Rather than ripping the plaster off in one go, you're easing it off. You still like her, but she's increasingly not what you thought you signed up for. You may be wary of confrontation and hurting her and yourself, but I do think this is a prelude to a breakup for you. I'm not so sure it's deliberate on your side, but deep down I suspect you're feeling this and the more you think about it the more it'll come into focus. I'd be pretty sure that if you move out, the next step will be "we need to talk". If and when it comes to that, make a clean break. For both your sakes.

Like I say just my 3 cents.