Moody daughter..

m'lady

Just wondering if anyone is experiencing the same as me at the moment. My daughter is 10, and for the last couple of months she has been so, so moody and I am starting to feel there is nothing in the world that makes her really smile, she seems to have a permanent frown on her and can be quite cheeky and unprepared to help out in the house at all.

I am feeling really down, it just feels like I have reared a spoilt brat and its killing me, she has gone from a happy, chatty little girl to what I have described above, and I genuinely feel like I am walking on egg shells with her.

I am fully aware that she is at 'that age', and do reckon she will get her period in the not too distant future, and have prepared her, she knows all about periods etc.

Can anyone offer me some advice or even tell me I am not the only one going through this?!

cynder

My lady is the same she is also very argumentative has a bad attitude (wont help out ,back answers and a know it all) and is also very independent, she was in crumlin hospital 2 weeks ago for 7 days, the nurses picked up on it and asked the diabetic psychologist to chat with her (she is a diabetic and they have even worse mood swing when the blood sugars go haywire), she hated him but he wants to see her every time she is up for an appointment (every 3 months).

The diabetic social worker took me aside and asked me about her, they said she is very very grown up (old head on young shoulders) but she needs to act 11 not 15 (as she does) so they are putting me on some sort of one to one parenting course to train me how to deal with her behaviour and to turn it into something positive instead of constantly having a power struggle with her.

She has been like this for some time she is 11 since September and has not started her period yet but im expecting it any day.

The only way of controlling her attitude at the moment is by using her hobby as a means to an end, if she has a bad attitude horse ridding is banned until attitude improves.

Take it back 30 years ago a sharp slap would have put a stop to bad attitudes but thats is not acceptable anymore, you cant put them on the naughty step but you can forbid the thing they like tv, ipod, hobby, meeting friends.


The only other thing is to look into a parenting course, i was totally against it when it was first mentioned to me, but im happy to do it now.

Loads of parents go through it, you are not alone. If you ever want to chat pm me.

My lady does smile, every time she gets her own way or goes horse riding, she very rarely frowns and is normally happy.

cynder

Have you asked her why she is moody and frowns?

Could something of happened that has triggered it? (at school??)

Have a heart to heart with her(didnt work with my lady, we had to set down the law).

We always knew our lady was strong minded, since she was a 1 she was a little madam. Knew her own mind, knew what she wanted.

m'lady

Hi Grindlewald, thank you so much for your reply. Yes I have asked her, begged her to tell me if there is something wrong and I get the usual 'nothing', it feels like when things aren't centred around her she goes all huffy.

I was thinking earlier that she has been going to bed a bit later than normal, by later I mean 9.15/30 instead of about 8.30, so I have decided to pull that back and had her in bed by 8.15 and lights out at 8.45.

I really wish I knew what was going on, if anything.

Have you started the parenting course yet?

beagle001

Take out the wooden spoon if she back answers,this will soon cool her tone.
She needs to be treated more as a child and disciplined accordingly,I dont mean slapping all the time just send her to her room,ban the xbox,treats etc.
If you dont snap it out of her now it could lead to a troublesome teenager

astra2000

Hi op given that you say she is moody all the time and never smiles or seems happy I would be a little reluctant to put it down to been spoilt, surely as grindlewall if this was the case there would be times when she was getting her own way when she would be happy. My oldest daughter is 10 and there are times when she would do my head in with the answering back and sighing, I nip it in the bud by stopping activities, ect if it gets out of hand but I have to say there are lots of smiles and fun. My son 13 would be more of a sulker and I think this may stem from been the oldest and establishing more freedom and wanting to be treated a little different from his younger siblings, I do remember times when he was similar to how you have described your daughter he was around 11, we altered how we treated him a little later bed time than his sisters, litttle bit more freedom bit more pocket money but we also set boundaries and explained that if he wanted to be treated like an 11yr old then he had to act like one too. This has helped a lot I think he will always be a sulker but I dont tolerate prolonged sulks and the thought of losing his mobile or some pocketmoney usually puts an end to it, I do see though that if I issue a punishment I have to stick to it otherwise its straight back to square one.
Take your daughter off for a few hours on your own doing something she will enjoy maybe go to the cinema and go for a bite to eat afterwards, maybe in a more relaxed athmosphere she will open up, I am not saying reward bad behaviour but try and rule out that there isnt a bigger issue at heart, I find with my 13yr old if I ask questions I will be told nothing, but when we are doing something on our own and having a laugh it all comes out, sometimes more than I want to know! Best of luck

How Strange

Op, I kind of feel sorry for your daughter. It's not an easy age and puberty can hit quickly and at a young age. It's alot of emotions to cope with and I remember feeling so awkward in my body that I just wanted to disappear. I don't think it's a sign you reared a spoilt brat but that you've got a budding teenager on your hands.

I'd also 2nd the idea that you bring her out for a day, treat her, spend some time with her. She's probably feeling so many new things and she can't articulate them yet so set up a relationship which is a step beyond treating her like a child and see how she reacts.

cynder

m'lady wrote: »

Have you started the parenting course yet?

Not yet, sometime early next year.

littlebitdull

A lot of it at this age is indeed hormones. My littlelady is 11 and is a slave to her hormones too.

Keep calm and carry on - this too will pass. I do think its important for the teen years to keep some sort of a connection with them. Even if it means doing something you dont especially enjoy yourself, they need to you be there for them just as much as when they are little.

An excersise we did at a parenting for teens course was to spend some time just remembering how you felt becomeing a teen yourself, how confusing and strange it was. i found it helped me a lot.

With girls they do tend to pull away from their mammies more - its part of establishing themselves as their own woman. They need to reassure themselves that they are not Mammy - so they tend to fight your ideas and your ways a lot. So if you like white they like black ! Its all natural and normal and part of life, but its hard on us mums at times.

Help her to become herself - let her chose more of her own clothes/hair/hobbies etc and encourage the differences.

Doing a parenting for teens course can help a lot - check out the local secondary schools - a lot of them run these courses. I know she is not a teen yet - but she is certainly at the beginnings of it.

If nothing else you will see that your not alone after all .... !

Fittle

Threads like this make me grateful that I have a boy...when I think back to how moody I was as a teenager:rolleyes:

Anyway OP, I'd also suggest the parenting course. Yes, it's no doubt the onset of hormones and all that comes with that - but sometimes, we (the parents) have to learn to deal with things differently as they get older - I did a parenting course when my lad was about 4/5 - have to say, it helped me no end.

He is still the same kid, but it's my attitude towards his good/bad behaviour that has changed, and improved our relationship.

I know she keeps telling you there's nothing 'wrong', but have you had a chat with her teacher or friends, if that's possible?

littlebitdull

Fittle wrote: »

Threads like this make me grateful that I have a boy...

Girls wreak your head ... they boys just wreak your house Its just a different set of problems ..

I have an older girl too and I can assure you that you can and do come out the other end of it with a good realationship with your child again.

cbyrd

Ah the moodiness, the sulks, the stomping up the stairs, eyes rolling to heaven, the sighing, the trembling lip if i dare to say anything remotely nice, the way i suddenly went from being her hero to being an embarrassment.. the list goes on and i feel i can do nothing, so it's exactly what i do... nothing

I know at some stage she will come back to me and in the mean time i set the rules and if they're broken there's a punishment and if she co-operates there's a reward,

It's such a difficult time for them, she still plays with her sister and then she feels awkward about it. Ignoring it sometimes can help but the hormones are all over the place.

My girl will be 12 in Feb but has been going through this since she was 10, it does get easier, whether its just that you get used to it and it becomes the norm or it does actually get easier i haven't figured that out yet But bear with her and cut her a little slack, its a difficult time neither being child or grown up and good luck with it

m'lady

Hi all, I apologise for not replying sooner, I haven't been online in a few days. I appreciate all your replies, and they have made me think a little.

I do think what my partner has said is right that she needs to be treated more like a child than an adult, I have a tendancy to talk about everything with her, and negotiate too I suppose, because I don't want to come down too heavy on her. I thought I was doing the right thing, evidently not.

She just seems to think that everything she gets and time that is given to her is an automatic, and that kinda tells me she is spoilt?

I do take her off and we'll shop, or go for lunch or cinema etc a lot, and she will be fine, but dare I criticise her, she will just go all huffy.

I think what one reply says is very true, about going from hero to an embarrassment, yet she always wants to be with me, and complains that I don't spend time with her, yet if I'm here she will watch TV etc, ignore me, and when I say its bedtime or whatever she will moan she hasn't spend time with me?! I know this is a ploy to stay up late, and I don't give in, but it hurts that she will throw it back like that.

She just seems to be what I can only describe as emotionless, as in she doesn't get excited about much, say even xmas only being next week, she doesn't actually seem that bothered?

astra2000

Hi again op I am guessing she is your oldest child? It can be hard to find the balance on how you treat children I sometimes have to remind myself of my oldests age and also my youngest I tend to treat her like a baby sometimes.
Tbh she does sound a bit spoilt and it may be no harm to pull back a little I have to do this every so often with my lad and it works, it does take time and will cause resentment for a couple of weeks but it will help.
My oldest lad has gone through stages like this and still does, the sense of entitlement can be unbelievable! Only this morn he told me I owed him his 20 euro pocketmoney! I let him know there was no owing about it, we choose to give it to him and it is not an automatic entitlement. I think it can be harder on the oldest child as it is all new to us parents too I find for my second child there is less butting heads as we have been broken in a bit and also have the experience gained from the first.
Dont beat yourself up about this if you werent a good mum you wouldnt care or be looking for advice, there is no such thing as a perfect parent or child, all the mums I know go through stages where they have to regain the control/power of their kids. Your daughter is lucky to have parents who care and want to raise a well rounded girl and in the future she will see that, best of luck.

m'lady

astra2000 wrote: »

Hi again op I am guessing she is your oldest child? It can be hard to find the balance on how you treat children I sometimes have to remind myself of my oldests age and also my youngest I tend to treat her like a baby sometimes.
Tbh she does sound a bit spoilt and it may be no harm to pull back a little I have to do this every so often with my lad and it works, it does take time and will cause resentment for a couple of weeks but it will help.
My oldest lad has gone through stages like this and still does, the sense of entitlement can be unbelievable! Only this morn he told me I owed him his 20 euro pocketmoney! I let him know there was no owing about it, we choose to give it to him and it is not an automatic entitlement. I think it can be harder on the oldest child as it is all new to us parents too I find for my second child there is less butting heads as we have been broken in a bit and also have the experience gained from the first.
Dont beat yourself up about this if you werent a good mum you wouldnt care or be looking for advice, there is no such thing as a perfect parent or child, all the mums I know go through stages where they have to regain the control/power of their kids. Your daughter is lucky to have parents who care and want to raise a well rounded girl and in the future she will see that, best of luck.

Hi Astra2000,
Thanks you for your reply, she is actually an only child, I am separated from her father but that was when she was 3, she gets on with my partner and he plays a big role in her life, as well as her father and his partner, who I get on with, its all amicable.

There is a part of me that thinks maybe she has too many people in her life 'in authority' so to speak, I don't know..

cynder

As the social worker told me the lines of being a mom and a friend got blurred and i need to get back into the role of MOM and not friend.

The how to do that is the big question, i really hope the parenting course can help me with that one.

m'lady

Just a brief update.
We spoke to daughter last night about her attitude and have implemented new rules that she has been made aware of.

What we have told her is that if she gives any back cheek, rolls eyes up to heaven, doesn't do what she is asked etc., she will be sent to her room after one warning for a half hour, where she won't have her DS etc., if she persists she will get an extra half hour added to the time.
Also bed time is 8.30 and she can read till 9 (she is a child that really needs her sleep). Each time she is sent to her room for misbehaving she will lose €1.00 out of her pocket money.

So fingers crossed it might help, I personally need to make sure I stick to this, as I have a bad habit of bringing in rules but not sticking to them-this time I will, I have to.

I will keep you updated, and thanks for all the replies so far.

m'lady

grindelwald wrote: »

As the social worker told me the lines of being a mom and a friend got blurred and i need to get back into the role of MOM and not friend.


I think I would have the same problem Grindelwald, I want her to be my friend, to trust me etc, which I know I need to get the right balance, which is going to be hard to do!