Girlfriends family

LegacyUser

I dont even know where to start with this. Its really long.

Im from the city and to be fair my family would be no stranger to the gards. Personally I was only in trouble once and even then it wasnt anything too major. But my brothers (and cousins) are into the whole selling drugs thing and partying every weekend, going in and out of jail likes its a hotel etc

So the problem is, my girlfriends family are very stereo-typical "snobs". They came here 6 years ago from London where over there they were big shots- they even have the real snobbish accent. And even the way they talk, it goes through my head. You would think it was shakespere you were talking to with all the "one would do well to acquaint themselves with people of better standing" malarky.

Anyway. Pretty much me and my girlfriend we have being going out for 4 years and over those years her family have increasingly isolated her because off me. From the minute they heard my name and realised who I was they went crazy. And over the past 4 years they have tried literally everything to break us up.

Last week we decided to tell them we are planning on getting married. And their response is that if we get married then they are going to wash their hands off her. Apparantly she has being too selfish all along. She has no respect for her family. And what would happen the family name and status if it became known their daughter was married to a family well known throughout the country for drug dealing.

My girlfriend (without even telling me first) pretty much told them where to get off and packed up all her stuff and moved into my house. SHe says she doesnt need them.

However.... Right now Im having second thoughts about our relationship. Like what if we ever split up then shes got nobody to turn to. I dont want that to happen her.

Obviously I dont have any plans on splitting up.. BUt who knows whats going to happen in 2 years time- or 10 years time.

Im seriously considering breaking up with her now and let her go back while she still has the chance. I feel so crap thinking that her family has dumped her and its all my fault.

smiles302

Just going to throw this out there... Why are ye planning on getting married if you don't know what is going to happen 2 years down the road?

It might just be me, but if someone proposed to me I would assume they are thinking we'll be together at least long enough to raise a family etc.

whatsamsn

two parts to this mate....

1,
to hell with her parents. at the end of the day a person has to live their own life. I know on their side they are probably thinking they "know whats best" for their daughter or are indeed worried. But you can only advise someone so much and just stand by their choice and support them. So yeah they are as*holes. Especially to state how they would wash their hands of her.

2,
I dont mean to go into another issue but your girl has done what you should of wanted deep down. To choose you. If it was the other way around and chose her family you would of been pi*sed off and feel like she was crapping over the 4 years together.

So it really does seem odd knowing that she has chose you and now you are thinking of breaking up with her. Ask yourself op ... are you really invested in getting married?
Im not juding now. Please dont think so. But has the fact she chose you made you re-evulate the future with her?

Big Bag of Chips

Her family are worried about her. If/when you have children you will have the same worries. Every parent in the world wants the best for the child (even if they don't know Shakespeare!) and your extended family are, from your description "bad news" for any parent! (Sorry about that!)

Why is breaking up even crossing your mind. I didn't marry my husband thinking one day we might break up.. I married my husband thinking one day we'd start a family, and eventually be grandparents etc. If we do break up, that will be an unexpected, unwanted developement, not something I'd always have had at the back of my mind.

People give up on relationships too easily. You need to concentrate on what you want from yours. If you think you would walk away from her, or she you, for something relatively minor, then maybe is it time to call it a day before you get married. If you think that you can get through more or less anything (and the fact that she is willing to turn her back on her family for you makes it sound like she, at least, believes you're for keeps!) then you should stick together.. "better or worse" as they say!

I sort of understand where you are coming from, and it's almost admirable that you don't want to force her to choose between you or her family, but you're not forcing her! Her family are. And she is making her decision. But think about if you did end it with her.. how would you feel? Would you be gutted and feel a hole where she used to be, or do you think you'd be upset for a while and then get on with it?

Your answer to that would reveal alot about how you feel about your relationship.

(Just as an aside, her family might be threatening this with the hope of shocking her into choosing them over you.. but you can be almost guaranteed.. if anything did happen between you 2 a few years down the line, they would welcome her home with open arms.. and maybe one or 2 of them would say "One knew this would happen"!! At the end of the day family just want to protect their family, which is what they've tried, but failed to do this time.. if she was in trouble because you had split up, they would rally round)

curlzy

OP,
First of all well done on having your gf's best interests at heart. How old are you? I don't mean that in a bad way, I'm just that you should have a good idea if you want to stay with her for the rest of your life after 4 years together. That is unless you're under the 25 age group. If you're both fairly young then I can see why her family is so upset. I'm not snobby (from Tallaght ) but I'd be up the walls if my daughter (hypothetical, don't have any kids yet) was going out with a guy from a drug pusher family. Like you can see it from their side too I'm sure. Maybe you could both go and have a proper chat with them??? Do you have plans on how you're going to support yourself? You going to college, going to get a job etc? I think it would go really far with them if you could all sit down and explain, that a) you are in love, b) you are serious about staying together, c) that you can "look after" their daughter d) want to have a good job/life and e) you are not a criminal, aren't impressed by criminals and that you want to be an upstanding citizen. If you can't get them to sit down with you maybe write them a letter? You should stress to them that you want what's best for their daughter and you want her to be happy and having her family is very important to her and therefore to you, ask them is there anything you can do to help calm their fears? All in all it's a difficult one, the only thing I'd say is that if you do think that you'll break up then it really would be kindest to do it now when she has the option to go back to her family. Although saying that I'm sure they'd welcome her back at whatever age. HMMMM it's a hard one alright, best of luck with it.