relationship help please

snuckum

Hi Im going through a difficult time in my relationship and would like some outside perspective.
I'll give a little background to fill you in.

Ive been with my partner for 2 and 1/2 years. We're engaged the past year. We're both late 20s and have been friends for years before going out. We are having so many issues at the moment I dont know what to do. From before we got together I knew he was very different (opposites attract & all that) but these differences seem to be driving us away at the moment, not bringing us closer.

For start, he will tell people exactly what he thinks of them no holds barred. A lot of my family and friends dont take too well to that and feel he is rude. It has caused probs in so far that he doesn't get along well with my sister and also has caused problems with my work colleagues who found him very difficult to handle. Both of these these cause problems for me, in so far as Im stuck in the middle. He's decided to boycott any social work events I have where partners are invited as he says he'll only end up in arguments. Fair enough you would think, except I'll have to make excuses for him the whole time why is isnt there. A little more difficult to avoid my sister, but the tension between them is very obvious and doesn't make for enjoyable occasions.

Next issue: he is unemployed and believes he's no prospects here and is itching to go abroad - very far to oz. He doesn't have family or friends keeping him here (all already emigrated or else busy with their own lives) and says there is nothing keeping him here. On the other hand I have a steady job, am close to family and friends and am very wary of the move. We are due to marry next summer and already are postponing the wedding as he is due to go to oz after xmas to see if he can land a job there and sort accommodation. The plan is Im to follow later in the year when I sort out career break, etc. He knows how I feel about the proposed move - very mixed feelings. We have discussed moving closer to home, but he feels his career will improve best in oz.

We argue a lot and I am unsure what to do.

He is a good guy and I want to do what's best by him, but its turned into a 'your career vs mine' standoff at the moment.

Please help

Anyway

Ickle Magoo

Do you love him? Are you mad about your relationship? Can you see yourself marrying him and getting old happily with him? If you are embarrassed about his lack of basic manners when addressing people close to you and the only solution he can think of is to boycott events causing further embarrassment rather than adjust his anti-social behaviour then I can't help but get the impression that communication between you isn't brilliant.

If you don't appreciate certain behaviours or you don't want to emigrate then you have reached a fork in the road and you must sit down and thrash out a compromise you are both happy with or one/both of you will end up resentful and unhappy.

All the best.

S23

He sounds like a rude ignorant ars*hole in as far as what he says to other people. I'm fairly straightforward and to the point myself but that doesn't mean I don't act appropriately towards other people. The notion of insulting people you don't know and playing the old 'hey thats just the way I am, I'm honest' card doesn't cut it for me.

It's not an excuse to act inappropriately. It's not an excuse to insult people and it's not an excuse to behave however you like with people you don't really know. You have to know a person to a certain degree (IMO) before you can say certain things to them. You have to have some sort of a relationship with someone before you can say things. Otherwise it's just crossing a line.

Case in point one of my OH's friends is incredibly loud when she gets going with a conversation. I mean super duper loud! You'd hear her coming a mile off. If I was to say to her 'jesus you're very fcuking loud, you've such a big gob can you not tone it down' then I'd be telling the truth about what I think about her. However, I'd never dream of being so rude or inappropriate to a girl I barely know when theres no need for it.

You shouldn't have to make excuses for your boyfriends ignorant behaviour. He's basically fallen out with members of your family and your friends because he's ignorant and insults people but tries to cover it up and excuse it (or maybe its you who is trying to excuse it) with the notion that its 'just how he is and he's being straight with people'.

As for the move to Oz you don't sound keen on it at all. It's about what he wants to do and when he wants to do it. He's decided to can the wedding. He's decided he's off to Oz after christmas to suss things out.
He's telling you that you're to follow him even though he knows you don't want to.
He's telling you that you're taking a career break and following him.

He sounds like a twat to be honest. He's entitled to want to have a career and all the rest of it. He's not entitled to expect you to put your career on hold (and who knows if your job will be there to go back to with how things are headed), move to the other side of the world when you don't want to and basically abandon the life you have here with your family and friends. Relationships are about compromise but it sounds like you're the one expected to make all the compromises.

I'm not surprised you fight a lot. He sounds like hes bullying you into all this.

I'm sure you have strong feelings for him but if you let him walk all over you and stay together for the sake of it you'll end up resenting him big time in the future.

You have some serious issues that need to be ironed out and quickly. It's quite possible you won't be able to resolve them to both your satisfaction. I don't know the bloke but I get the feeling he's not likely to do anything that doesn't suit him 100% where as you're expected to dance to his tune

R.D. aka MR.D

i think you need to consider your future together.

It might be terrible to think that you two might break up and scary. But it might be for the best and you both might be happier in the long run.

hope things work out for you x

whatsamsn

It definitely does sound like you both want different things. Which can be the cause of alot of break-ups. I would just think about the future.

Apart from stating about him wanting to Oz you did go into detail about how he is different to you. So you have personal differences aswell as future differences.

Just think op.

snuckum

Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate that you took the time to give me different perspectives on the relationship. It can be difficult to stand back and look at an issue objectively when your emotions get the better of you.

I guess where I'm at is this: when do you decide if enough is enough and to end everything, or whether to keep plugging away and trying to stay together ? I obviously said yes to marrying him a year ago, and at the time, saw us have a future together. I don't want to have any regrets and would like to do all I possibly can to make it work. However, as I said in the original post, Im in a difficult place and don't know where to turn.

Thanks again for all your replies

Wibbs

I have observed a pretty common pattern in relationships; the thing that worries you a little about the other person at the start of the relationship, if not solved is what will ultimately split you up. This tends to happen when the in love phase changes to the "how is this gonna work practically and long term". This sounds like one of those. Well two, his social interaction and the emigration.

I'd further say contrary to popular belief, love does not conquer all. Not in practical terms. Not when you're considering your whole life ahead with someone with different needs and outlook.

You both need to sit down and try and work this out. The flying off to OZ first maybe. At the minute you seem to be going in two different directions.