Xmas issues... Family or OH?

miaowmiaow

Hi, I'm between a rock and a hard place. I'd really like some opinions on who to spend Xmas 2010 with, as I'm stressing over the fact my family want me to spend Xmas with them, as I've always done, however my boyfriend wants me to stay with him, 200km away.

The problem is that my OH claims he has to stay up in Dublin for work St. Steven's day, but I know he'll spend Xmas alone unless I'm there, as he doesn't particularly get on with his own home crowd. While staying with my family would be selfish, I know I'd be miserable without the lot of them and I've never had a Xmas away from home. I think I'd feel like a bit of a martyr missing out on a more traditional Xmas with plenty of people I love. But at the same time, I don't want to spend Xmas without my OH, despite the fact that he's somewhat uncomfortable around my mother. :P

I don't know what to do, and I'm getting frustrated by how difficult my OH is being, flatly denying the chance that he could get back for work in time if he was to avail of the train and kind of nagging me about asking my mother will she mind my absence. Also we're both students, minus cars, so public transport all the way.

Anybody been in the same sticky situation before? I'm starting to believe Xmas just creates hassle for those over 10 years. :pac:
Help would be much appreciated!

astra2000

Hi there well I think someone is going to have to compromise here or neither of you will enjoy christmas. Have ye checked out the time table for the train yet or is your bf just presuming he wont make it back. Does your bf definetly have to spend christmas day alone or is he choosing not to go to his family?
Everybody has to experience that first christmas away from home and if this does turn out to be yours you need to make it special and not spend it wishing you were elsewhere. Has your bf spent christmas with your family before if so then I would be of the opinion that this should be his year to choose, if not and ye are planning on spending yer future together ye need to reach an agreement on christmas ie you take turns in choosing how you spend christmas. I think your bf needs to take into account that he will be going off to work st. stephens day and you will be on your own. Sit down and talk but what ever ye decide make sure no body ends up sulking and ruining it. Best of luck

miaowmiaow

Thanks, a lot of what you're saying is helpful! I just can't seem to sort this one out on my own, and the two people I'd usually consult are somewhat involved, being either family or my OH.
Unfortunately it feels like whenever we try to discuss this issue neither of us want to say what has to be done.
He's choosing to stay away from his family as he's easily annoyed by his mother and finds it hard to get along with his, well, dysfunctional family.:( Also he doesn't know what hours he's working, nor has he looked at train timetables, but it's more the fact he's refusing to see other options that's left me so indecisive and unhappy.

And yes, he spent Xmas at mine last year, so in many ways I feel I owe him one. I know I'll have to face Xmas away from home eventually, but I can't think of anything that'd brighten up my day if I were missing the craic at home.
We're really close, but this moral dilemma has just left me feeling kind of lost.

LegacyUser

There are no Trains on the 25/26th and Bus Eireann & DB will be running a limited (Sunday) timetable on Stephen's day. If your BFs work duties involve having to be there early morning on Stephen's day then public transport options will be severely limited in that regard, especially over 200km.

Neyite

I think its fair to take turns in a relationship - he did 'your' christmas last year, you owe him to do 'his' this year.

whatever that is -if that means its just you and him having an intimate christmas- if so, think of ways to make it nice and intimate for both of you, or hanging out with his folks, its his choice. next year you get to choose, and so on.

as we grow older, its not always possible to have every christmas with our family, we have to consider the partner, and their families.

tinkerbell

OP, sorry to be blunt but I feel that this needs to be said. You are being completely selfish, you are only thinking about yourself.

Your OH spent last christmas with you, it is now your turn to repay the favour. Relationships are all about compromise, not one person getting their way the whole time. So suck it up and put your OH first this year instead of yourself (he put you first last year).

And yes the first christmas away from home is very hard. I found it really hard the first year I spent it away from my family and spent it with my boyfriend's family. But I did it because I love him and did not want to spend christmas without him, wherever it was. And he did the same for me the previous year and the year after - we take turns deciding where we spend christmas.

niceoneted

First off I think he needs to find out what hours he is going to be working on st stephens day.
Then you need to look at travel options/timetables etc. There are some companies that provide services on st stephens day or there may be a possibility of a flight if living near a regional airport.

I know others have said that you have to take it in turns but I don't agree as it's not a case of you going to spend it with his family and it'll just be the two of you I am assuming.

I have spent many christmases away from home due to my work and have even spent christmas on my own - by choice and had the best ones then.

Is it a case that your mum doesn't want him at your house and he picked up on this last yr.

As I said check his work then timetables then discuss further. Can you go down st stephens day to your place or go for the few days before and come back to Dublin on xmas eve.

Snoopy1

I agree with Tinkerbell. We all have to grow up eventually and spend Christmas away from family.
Im not from ireland, and would love to spend Christmas with my family, but ive had to work the last 4 Christmases, so have never gone home. Before i moved over here i used to do one year at my family's and one year at ex's.
He went to yours last Christmas, you should at least consider going to his this year.

Exclamation Marc

niceoneted wrote: »

I know others have said that you have to take it in turns but I don't agree as it's not a case of you going to spend it with his family and it'll just be the two of you I am assuming.

I agree, its not about taking turns as in one after the other, thats not a relationship, that would be some sort of formal agreement. I don't see why doing one thing one year obligates the relationship to be a certain way the next year. If its important that the OP spends time with her family, then the OH should appreciate that, not have the right of it being "his turn" like other posters suggest. He seems not to care too much about Christmas at home whilst the OP does and thats what matters here. The OH only wants to spend time, whilst the OP wants both family and the OH, is there not an obvious compromise there where both get their way?

The fact is that he chooses to spend time away from his family and you choose to spend time with yours at Christmas. It sounds like that although he spent Christmas with you last time, it would have been his choice as he doesn't get on with his family as you mentioned. Also the fact that "you'll have to eventually spend Xmas away from home is not exactly a stellar argument. Also fair/reasonable or not, you never know the family issues or grief that may arise from not spending Christmas at home.

Is there no way you can spend half the day with your family and half the day with him?

Can he stay in a hotel near your house so that he's nearby?

Is there no way he'll stay at yours again? It's hardly selfish if you're offering him a place to stay whilst he has work? The OH can get his wish by staying with the OP, and the OP can get hers by having family time.

miaowmiaow

Thanks guys for all your inputs! I'll outline another few points, if I can.
My family like my BF, but he feels stressed when around them, I guess probably because they are somewhat old fashioned and there were some issues about our relationship being too serious too young, blahdy blah. That's over now, but my OH is still wary of causing trouble again, i think. Maybe that's adding to his reluctance about going to see my lot?
While I know it's selfish of me to want him to be the one to compromise, true, but like a few of you have mentioned I do want to spend time with my family, whereas my OH is more of a solitary nature.

I'm not going to leave him on his own, but every time I decide to stay with him in Dublin I feel terrible about not being at home for Xmas... I'm not too bothered about enjoying the day myself, but I know my mother would be fairly upset if I weren't there.

I can't choose between them, and I can't split my day between them, there's no transport available to me.

Also, I desperately want to stay with him, but FireballPitcher is right - this WILL lead to me getting grief from my family. I'm just going around in circles at this stage. I'm trying to come up with a possible alternative, but there's a lot to consider! Anyway thanks for all your replies!
It was helpful to get different opinions from an outsiders perspective!

iguana

miaowmiaow wrote: »

I'm not going to leave him on his own, but every time I decide to stay with him in Dublin I feel terrible about not being at home for Xmas... I'm not too bothered about enjoying the day myself, but I know my mother would be fairly upset if I weren't there.

I can't choose between them, and I can't split my day between them, there's no transport available to me.

Also, I desperately want to stay with him, but FireballPitcher is right - this WILL lead to me getting grief from my family. I'm just going around in circles at this stage. I'm trying to come up with a possible alternative, but there's a lot to consider!

Just looking to the parts of your comments that I've bolded it seems like in some ways it's your family or mother that needs to grow up a bit and accept that you are an adult with a 'family unit' of your own, which (if it's a serious relationship which you plan on being long-term) is your priority. The home you share with your boyfriend is your home, if you are spending the day with him you will be spending it at home. If he needs to work on the 26th and travelling on that morning is not likely to be possible (which it really does not tend to be in this country) then he has no choice but to stay in the home you share and you should not be making him feel bad or selfish because of it. If he, and your future, are your priority then you need to accept that and make your Christmas together a special one.

Just think about it! Your very first adult Christmas alone together in your own home with the man you love! That's an incredibly special event. You should start thinking about it differently and thinking about all of the ways you can make this the special event it can be, instead of treating it like an awful purgatory.

I am a friend

He is only your BF and seems quite controlling from what you have said. Family first..... He has chosen not to be with his family. You can choose to be with yours. Check out the work times and transport and then see....

tinkerbell

Iguana, I couldn't agree more with your post. Everything you said is completely spot on.

Supercell

I have yet to spend Christmas with my wife and I wont be able to this year either because of work and other reasons.
Believe you me, our first Christmas together will be special.
Weare going to have OUR first own christmas tree, OUR first decorations, OUR first fairy lights, OUR first proper Christmas together
Its what you make of it OP. I'm sure your bf isnt going to be in work the WHOLE day, can ye not make a special big deal of it on the day and spend a really romantic time together?
I'm going to have to make do with webcam, I wish I had your dilemma!

cafecolour

I just looked at budget.ie, and if you pick up a car Wednesday say morning, and return it Sunday morning, it should cost you about 170 euros (plus gas and all).

Ask your parents for the car rental cost as your Christmas present. Drive down with your boyfriend, stay until Christmas afternoon, drive back with him.

Exclamation Marc

cafecolour wrote: »

I just looked at budget.ie, and if you pick up a car Wednesday say morning, and return it Sunday morning, it should cost you about 170 euros (plus gas and all).

Ask your parents for the car rental cost as your Christmas present. Drive down with your boyfriend, stay until Christmas afternoon, drive back with him.

What are you talking about?? Why should the parents foot the bill? The boyfriend doesn't care about spending Christmas time anywhere but away from family/friends whereas the OP wants to spend time at home with family. I really can't see why the boyfriend won't stay again? It's a good compromise, the OP gets family time and the boyfriends gets OP time.

dotsman

I would be leaning towards spending xmas with your family. Ultimately, that is what xmas is all about! If it was a case that he wanted to spend xmas with his family, then I could understand, but he's not doing that. He's spending xmas on his own and seems to think you should suffer with him. To be honest, I think it is very selfish of him.

Some people might say that, because you're in a "serious" (students, so assume 20-ish?) relationship that this is your new "family" but I think that's kinda BS. Looking at all my friends/family/work colleagues who are married (but without kids) they still all spend xmases with their family's (be it every second year with the other family, doing both families on the one day (morning with one family, evening with the other), or where the couple even go their separate ways for the day!). Bar when living in Oz etc, I can't think of any couple who spent xmas on their own until they had kids of their own.

OS119

FireballPitcher wrote: »

...The boyfriend doesn't care about spending Christmas time anywhere but away from family/friends whereas the OP wants to spend time at home with family. I really can't see why the boyfriend won't stay again? It's a good compromise, the OP gets family time and the boyfriends gets OP time.

the only compromise you're suggesting is on the OP's BF's part - he doesn't want to spend christmas with her parents. he's an adult, if he doesn't want to spend christmas with them then he shouldn't have to.

sorry OP, but it sounds to me like you're placing your families views of christmas - and your own - far ahead of your BF's happiness. thats fine as long as you understand the likely outcome of that policy: that you'll be spending much more time with your family in the near future. he compromised and experimented with something he probably wasn't that keen on last year, i think its only reasonable, particularly given his work situation on the 26th, that you make some effort this year.

its not a 'turns' thing - but if you expect him to compromise then you ought to be prepared to do so yourself.

spinandscribble

Thats the problem with serious relationships when you're young, you mightn't be ready for what the entails including putting someone else first even for a day.

Although, saying that, there's no way I could leave my BF alone at Christmas in these circumstances.

This isn't as simple as he doesn't want to be with your family. It'll be near impossible to get back for work. If you decide to stay with your family be prepared for him to reassess his own priorities in the future.

Exclamation Marc

OS119 wrote: »

the only compromise you're suggesting is on the OP's BF's part - he doesn't want to spend christmas with her parents. he's an adult, if he doesn't want to spend christmas with them then he shouldn't have to.

sorry OP, but it sounds to me like you're placing your families views of christmas - and your own - far ahead of your BF's happiness. thats fine as long as you understand the likely outcome of that policy: that you'll be spending much more time with your family in the near future. he compromised and experimented with something he probably wasn't that keen on last year, i think its only reasonable, particularly given his work situation on the 26th, that you make some effort this year.

its not a 'turns' thing - but if you expect him to compromise then you ought to be prepared to do so yourself.

But he's chosen to distance himself from family and friends. Clearly he can see that the OPs family is important to the OP at christmas time. If it was a case of 'this year my parents, next year your parents' I'd understand but he clearly doesn't give a monkeys where he spends Christmas once he has the OP with him, whereas the OP just wants some family time.

If he is so against spending time with his family/friends, he would see how much it means to the OP to spend time with her family and not put her in the awkward situation of family or me, because it clearly means shag all to him. I'm sure the OP makes up for it in other situations, but clearly Christmas time is important to the OP and not the BF, so why not give her the priority here.

jimmycrackcorm

The op isn't married to the boyfriend and seeing as they are both young students it's very likely that he won't be permanently in her life. For that reason family should be first.

Before I got married my now wife and I spent our Christmases with our respective families. Since we got married quite a few years ago I've had no choice but to spend it with hers but sure that's what losing your soverignty does to you....

LegacyUser

I really don't get his stance here. He wants to stay at home for WORK? Being close to work is more important to him than giving his girlfriend the chance to have Christmas at home. What the hell does he do for a living?

200km isn't that far. When I was the age ye guys are now I travelled it a few times just to spend 2/3hrs with a girlfriend. Can he drive? If so, surely he can rent a car and drive back the next day. What time does he have work at? Where in the country are you travelling from/to - aer arann have flights on Stephen's day, I'd say ryanair probably do too (the booking system is down at the moment so can't check).

Bluntly, he should man up. Work? FFS.

aidan24326

niceoneted wrote: »

...or there may be a possibility of a flight if living near a regional airport.

You obviously missed the bit where she said they're both students :rolleyes:
I doubt they'd have the money to be hopping on a flight at short notice.


OP, it boils down to priorities, and what yours actually are. Is your boyfriend important enough to you that you can forego spending Christmas with your family to be with him? Because it comes across in your posts that he isn't. In fairness if he's working early on Stephen's Day he'd have little to no chance of getting back in time from 200KM away on public transport. If it's more important to you that you be with your family then do that, but you'll also have to accept what that says about your relationship with your bf.

You say this is 'serious' but do you know what that means? It means compromise, it means sometimes putting the other person first, not because you have to but because you want to. And either you want to or you don't, only you can decide that. By the way, if you do decide to stay with him, don't mind your mother 'getting upset'. She'll just have to accept, like all mothers eventually do, that you're not a child any more.

OS119

FireballPitcher wrote: »

But he's chosen to distance himself from family and friends. Clearly he can see that the OPs family is important to the OP at christmas time. If it was a case of 'this year my parents, next year your parents' I'd understand but he clearly doesn't give a monkeys where he spends Christmas once he has the OP with him, whereas the OP just wants some family time.

If he is so against spending time with his family/friends, he would see how much it means to the OP to spend time with her family and not put her in the awkward situation of family or me, because it clearly means shag all to him. I'm sure the OP makes up for it in other situations, but clearly Christmas time is important to the OP and not the BF, so why not give her the priority here.

i don't know if you can read, but the OP has said that her BF doesn't like her family and doesn't like spending time with them. so he does give a stuff where he spends christmas - or any other time - and its not with her family.

you have also continually failed to adress the fact that even if he did suck it up and spend christmas day with them he would face the almost impossible task of getting to work the next day.

you know, work - the thing that pays the rent and puts food on the table.

were i the OP's BF, having compromised last christmas, facing work on the 26th this year, and knowing that my GF was honking off about having her christmas 'ruined' by having to spend it with me, in our home, i'd be having a 'dry your eyes, princess' moment, and actively considering the joys of being single.

Corkblowin

Whatever about Christmas Day OP, what about the next day when your BF is at work? Are you expected to spend the day alone?

Beruthiel

miaowmiaow wrote: »

I know my mother would be fairly upset if I weren't there.

Well she has to get over herself at some point.
Are you going to run the rest of your life according to how your mother feels?

What's wrong with spending Christmas day with your fella and popping down to your family the next day when he's back in work?
That seems a perfectly simple solution to me.

Were I your b/f, I wouldn't be at all happy with the predicament you are putting me in.
Compromise OP. It shouldn't be all about you.

Exclamation Marc

OS119 wrote: »

i don't know if you can read, but the OP has said that her BF doesn't like her family and doesn't like spending time with them. so he does give a stuff where he spends christmas - or any other time - and its not with her family.

My reading skills are top notch actually, and he doesn't not like spending time with the OP's family, he just finds it somewhat uncomfortable with a single member of the family, big difference from disliking the family, maybe you should have focused more when you were reading the problem.

OS119 wrote: »

you have also continually failed to adress the fact that even if he did suck it up and spend christmas day with them he would face the almost impossible task of getting to work the next day.

Rent a car, get a train, get a bus. Hardly almost impossible, I've gotten from Dublin to Cork on a train on Stephens' morning before in a couple of hours.

OS119 wrote: »

you know, work - the thing that pays the rent and puts food on the table.

Thanks for clarifying that, I was baffled as to what she was talking about.

OS119 wrote: »

were i the OP's BF, having compromised last christmas, facing work on the 26th this year, and knowing that my GF was honking off about having her christmas 'ruined' by having to spend it with me, in our home, i'd be having a 'dry your eyes, princess' moment, and actively considering the joys of being single.

They're only students, so I guess quite young, and if spending Christmas away from the family will make the OP "miserable", is it really worth it for a young relationship? If they were married or engaged it'd be different. The BF is demanding OP only time, whereas the OP would compromise and have the BF over to the house thus getting both BF and family time. He should suck it up and deal with the uncomfortability as its a lot less of a price to pay than making the OP's Christmas "miserable".

And to be honest if the BF breaks up or considers breaking up with the OP over where she spends Christmas as you suggest, then clearly the relationship isnt very strong.

iguana

FireballPitcher wrote: »

Rent a car, get a train, get a bus. Hardly almost impossible, I've gotten from Dublin to Cork on a train on Stephens' morning before in a couple of hours.

Renting a car may not be possible, if he can't drive for example, many students can't. The trains don't usually run on the 26th. The buses run a severely limited service, not something anyone in their right mind would rely on for work.

Exclamation Marc

iguana wrote: »

Renting a car may not be possible, if he can't drive for example, many students can't. The trains don't usually run on the 26th. The buses run a severely limited service, not something anyone in their right mind would rely on for work.

Ah ok, I was unaware trains are no longer operating on Stephens' Day.

miaowmiaow

I think I've managed to come up with a possible solution!
I was getting quite worked up about the whole thing, as I felt like whatever choice i was going to choose would somehow define who I thought was more more important in my life: my OH or my family. Just starting this thread showed me how opposite people's opinions can be on the question of family or (boy)friends first!

So, I was stuck in the dilemma of choosing one over the other. If I chose to stay with family, it was going to look like I didn't care about my OH and that I was a bit of a selfish wench. However if I chose my OH over my family, maybe the problem was the other way around. I'm only 19 and let's say it wouldn't have gone down well with those at home if I told them I was choosing him over them.
There's some other issues that I'm not going to discuss that have affected why it was so hard for me to choose (no offence guys, just some things are on a need to know basis!).
All the feedback helped loads, and a lot of this surprisingly cheered me up, realizing it's not the end of the world where I spend Xmas. So clichéd, i know...
Anyway, I decided to make calls, face being hung-up on by bus eireann and dissect urban myths to find a *solution*!:D
JJ Kavanagh and Sons run a bus service practically all year round, so their stevens day bus should help. I decided if i can't convince my boyfriend to come down with me and get an early bus with Kavanaghs back for work, that I'll stay with him till late xmas eve, and do xmas day with the clann, BUT I'd rather strike a better balance than that, nothing is of yet set in stone.
I also talked to his mum and things are working out much better. Whatever he chooses I'll work around, as I understand that he's working his way through college, doesn't particularly like Xmas and he's actually not as bothered as I am. I'm the one who's upset about the idea of him being alone on Xmas day, he's pretty calm about it. I'm still adamant about not leaving him alone though, despite his feeble protests.
He told me that he'd make it easier and told me to spend xmas with my family, but that's a bit silly, considering that I'm such a wimp I start to cry at the idea of him spending Xmas playing Mario cart Wii.
My OH didn't realize how upset I'd been about this, so we managed to sort it out for the most part last night.
I'm still seriously considering staying up in dublin nonetheless and spending xmas with my OH, plus it's now looking like his mum and him have kind of come to an understanding.

So now we just need to sit down and decide what to do, but it'll be easier as we have more options open to us. There's no answer just yet, but we're getting there.

By the way, neither of us can drive, but for those of you who came up with the rental idea, kudos nonetheless!

tinkerbell

OP, good stuff. I didn't realise you were only 19, I guess that makes it harder. I was a few years older than you when I spent my first Christmas with my boyfriend and his family, and it was very hard - I won't deny it, it was hard spending a christmas without my family. Especially when I'd get texts from my parents saying "it's not the same without you", oh it was heartbreaking!

But there comes a time in your life, when you've gotta think of someone else, rather than just yourself. It gets easier though - there will be times when you have to spend it away from your family for whatever reason.

Hope it all works out - good luck!

Mixedup

I'm shocked at the amount of people who think you should spend christmas on your own with your boyfriend!
Definitely spend it with your family or you'll be miserable, and you'll NEVER hear the end of it from your mother!

I'm 25 and with my OH 4 years, and until we're married I would never miss Christmas dinner with my parents and family, obviously I would want to see him on Christmas Eve/Stephen's Day or a few hours on Christmas Day if it was possible, but to miss Christmas at home with family at 19 years of age for your boyfriend is something you would definitely regret in the long run.

You have the rest of your lives to be taking turns each Christmas, thats the way I see it anyway, enjoy your day at home!!

Exclamation Marc

Glad you found a compromise and that he's ok with whatever choice you make. Hope it works out for you OP, your plan sounds good!

miaowmiaow wrote: »

I start to cry at the idea of him spending Xmas playing Mario cart Wii.

Don't be silly, thats a brilliant sounding Christmas to me!!