How on earth do i explain this to her ?

LegacyUser

Many years ago i was in deeply in love with my ex girlfriend , she was from Poland which was outside the EU at that time.

In order for her to stay in Ireland , I decided to marry her so we could be together.
This marriage was in a registry office and witnessed by own 2 best friends.
We agreed on that day that the marriage was not real and only a legal way for us to stay together as we were both too young and did'nt want to really marry only stay together.
To this day neither of our families know about the marriage and its something we've almost forgotten ourselves.
The only people who know about it were the people in the registry office that day and we all vowed secrecy.

Fast forward many years later and much has changed. We broke up amicably about 6 months ago and i've already made some preliminary enquiries to getting a divorce or annulment (probably a divorce).

I began going out with another girl recently and she asked me if i was married, my response as it always has been to everyone was "No Im definately not married".(the same as my ex's response to this question from others too).

I know i should probably have told her the truth there and then but i made a big mistake and didn't say anything. Yes Im an complete eejit.

As things are progressing and we are falling in love i want desperately to tell her this story but am scared stiff she will run off.
I know i have to take that chance and intend on telling her after the new year, (dont want to ruin her xmas and new year celebrations by telling her now)

Do you think she will understand and forgive me, would you if you were in love ?
How do i tell her ?

Thanks all

Cheap Thrills!

I've got to be honest, I think you have way over blown this in your own head. I notice your username is handgranade39, just wondering if you are 39 then it's hardly going to be a deal breaker that you have a past.

Now to the fact that you lied about it. If anything that's the bit she might be annoyed about. But better to come clean now than to carry on with it as she will feel a fool if she finds out elsewhere.

Just explain what you did here to us. At six months you're still getting to know each other. And you're not 20 here y'know!

I say come clean. Pre-empt the conversation with you have something to tell her. You told a white lie and you can't go any further in the deceit.

Honestly OP, I think you are worrying far too much. It's not like you're still with your ex so it doesn't affect your current relationship.

Katgurl

I agree with the above poster, it's not a huge deal but do make the effort to sit down and tell her. Stress that it was convenience and you never considered yourself married

Corkblowin

I agree with the above OP. I'm 38 and separated. Some girls I have gone out with have raised the concern that since I've already done the whole big wedding thing I'm not likely to be too keen on it again (they may be right!:) ), and also worry what my family would think about doing it again. i guess its a concern from some when you get to our age!

In your case none of those issues arise, so I'm guessing if shes reasonable and in love then you'll be fine - although you may get a little short-term grief!

Tell her now & you can enjoy your xmas too!

Good Luck!

LegacyUser

Thanks to all posters , feel a bit better for sure now.

Id like to tell her as soon as possible but shes under stress with work etc etc at the moment and will be until xmas. In the new year i think is the best time .

Axe Rake

Hi OP,

the truth will set you free.

Honesty is one of the principle foundations of a healthy and long lasting relationship.

It is best to just sit her down and have a nice relaxed chat with her, explaining the situation (perhaps you could explain jokingly, no need to come across nervous). As you said this was a long time ago, so explaining that it was just something you did when you were young and you just didn't think about the consequences at the time. You can continue by saying you have now decided to null the marriage (which has practically been forgotten about) because you are in love with her now and wish to spend the rest of your time with her.

From reading your post i wouldn't consider it a serious problem or issue to talk about and if she actually feels threatened or seriously annoyed about the issue i would have second thoughts about if she really loved you.

Best of luck

spinandscribble

If you could explain that somethings been bothering you and admit it and offer to let her contact your ex to confirm I think she will be miffed but eventually get over it.

appleb

OP, I might have read your post wrong but I gather you married your girlfriend 'many years' ago and you split only 6 months ago. I would not consider this to be something minor and discard it as the past. Think I would be peeved if my boyfriend forgot to tell me that he had been married.

sbsquarepants

I'm with the above poster, it's not as trivial as some have told you here. It could have quite serious legal and financial consequences, life long consequences, for example you could be ordered to pay her maintainence even if you don't have kids, hopefully that will not be an issue if you still get on and she doesn't try to screw you in the divorce.
When your new girlfriend asked if you were married you should have said, yes but seperated, but you can't do that now. Your best bet is to just tell her your story and hopefully she will understand, but to be honest marrying years ago and seperating 6 months ago doesn't sound like a sham wedding to keep someone in the country to me, if i was you i wouldn't explain it as such. Best of luck

Pebbles68

Poland joined the EU in 2004. So I'm guessing you were married and stayed together a minimum of 7 years. If you didn't get married in a catholic church an annulment is irrelevant. Your only option is divorce and you have to wait 4 years from the date you split for a divorce in Ireland. In the meantime get to a solicitor and get a separation agreement drawn up asap. You never know what can happen in the next four years and without the agreement your WIFE can claim 50% of your wealth come divorce time. It's amazing how quickly an amicable break up can change when one person starts a new relationship.
I know it's not the advice you were looking for but you need to protect yourself.
As for the new relationship there's not much to say. If you were in the old relationship until 6 months ago I would see it as far more than a marriage of convenience. If you are falling in love I hope your new partner is very understanding. No one on this site can predict how she is going to react. I hope it works out well for you but don't be surprised if it doesn't. She asked you a direct question and your answer....... well I don't want to sound like I'm lecturing you.
A piece of advice I was given once "when you are in a hole the first thing to do is stop digging"

curlzy

Hey OP,

I would be tremendously pissed off if my new BF told me he was never married and then I found out he'd been married for years and that they only split 6 months ago, like seriously seriously pissed off. Like come on, that's a huge lie!!! She asked you and you lied straight to her face about something as serious as being married for years?!?!?!?! I don't know how other posters seem to think it's no biggie, if it was me you would be dumped. I think the only thing you can do is be honest and tell her so she can decide if she wants to continue staying with you. I'd be most pissed off that you'd made me an adulterer (with her being the other woman) without my knowledge, marraige means alot to me and the fact you tricked her into thinking you'd never been married would defo put me right off you!!! You call it a fake marraige but you married years ago and only split 6 months ago, that's not fake, sounds to me like you're lying to yourself as well as her.

BraziliaNZ

Ha. I did the same thing with a Canadian years ago and sometimes didn't tell girlfriends about it. One I went out with for 2 years and never told her. Anyway, just bring it up and say it was for legal reasons, there's no way she's going to hold it against you, most of them find it interesting. Chill out it's only a piece of paper!

I am a friend

Its not only a bit of paper... Its a big lie and a legal contract. I would tell her asap no matter how stressed she is. She may have an issue being with someone who is technically married. I do / did and my ex lied to me about it and I only found out he was still married when I had moved in with him.

You being married means its not an option anytime soon for you and the new girl and she needs to know this and then she can make her deciison.

Distorted

handgrenade39 wrote: »

Many years ago i was in deeply in love with my ex girlfriend , she was from Poland which was outside the EU at that time.

handgrenade39 wrote: »

In order for her to stay in Ireland , I decided to marry her so we could be together.

handgrenade39 wrote: »

We agreed on that day that the marriage was not real and only a legal way for us to stay together as we were both too young and did'nt want to really marry only stay together.

Why? If you were deeply in love with her and married, why on earth would you agree on the day of the marriage that it wasn't real???

handgrenade39 wrote: »

To this day neither of our families know about the marriage and its something we've almost forgotten ourselves.

So you've been lieing to your families for many years? How did you manage this if you got married to stay together?

handgrenade39 wrote: »

Fast forward many years later and much has changed. We broke up amicably about 6 months ago and i've already made some preliminary enquiries to getting a divorce or annulment (probably a divorce).

Another way of putting this is that you split up with your wife of many years 6 months ago.

handgrenade39 wrote: »

I began going out with another girl recently and she asked me if i was married, my response as it always has been to everyone was "No Im definately not married".(the same as my ex's response to this question from others too).

handgrenade39 wrote: »

As things are progressing and we are falling in love i want desperately to tell her this story but am scared stiff she will run off.

The key is in your words "As things are progressing". Did you think this was going to be a quick fling and that your lie wouldn't be found out? How many times have you done this over the years?

handgrenade39 wrote: »

Do you think she will understand and forgive me, would you if you were in love ?

Honestly, if it was me, and I found out all this about a guy, I would think it just too wierd and I would drop him. I'd be too worried about what it said about his attitude towards truthfulness, other people in his life and respecting marriage, and too worried about what other bombshells might fall my way.

On the other hand, if you'd simply said you were still married, had split up 6 months ago and it started off a low key relationship and progressed, I'd be fine with it.

In other words, its not your circumstances, which are perfectly normal, it the bizarre way you deal with them and represent them. Why lie at all? Its a total red flag, sorry.