Hot and Cold Guy

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this but really need some sound advice.

I was seeing a guy for a bit at the beginning of the year, he ended it due to complications with ex's and other issues and it was a bad ending in the sense that I was upset and angry at how he behaved. On the otherhand, I really liked him, enjoyed his company and felt a spark when I was with him, he appeared to feel that too, but for the reasons Ive mentioned he ended it.

Fast forward two months of not talking and he makes contact again, general contact at first, texting every two days, asking how I was, facebooking. I was falling again and I knew it, we eventually meet up anyway, things get heated and intimate. I wont lie, I was happy, I have feelings for this guy. Anyway fast forward a bit and things slow down again which is fine, however his attitude has gone from hot to cold. Within the space of a few days where he texted me one night and we talked for hours, and the he texts me the next day asking how my day was and it was flirty and comfortable talking, the following days after that, he makes no contact, so I contact him and he acts extrememly cold. So basically he goes from hot to cold like theres no tomorrow and I dont get how or why he has done this.

Natural advice would be to confront him, but it doesnt work like that with this guy, he takes major offence and goes huffy, and I know really that I could do with a less complicated relationship, but I really care for this guy and so its easier said than done to walk away from this.

I suppose what Im asking is, is it this just normal male behaviour to act hot and cold like that, he was in no way rude or mean, just cold, not texting me during the week and acting very cold when I contacted him then. I just dont understand what I could have done wrong. Also it would be fair if we had met up and he decided it wouldnt work, but he texted me after we met up and chatted for hours, it wasnt like he ignored me after we met up and never contacted me again. So its very confusing really. We're not together as a couple either, so I dont know what to think really.

whatsamsn

I have acted like your BF this year. So I have experience in this one. But two things really struk me on this one...

1...

whyishedoingthis wrote: »

I was seeing a guy for a bit at the beginning of the year, he ended it due to complications with ex's and other issues and it was a bad ending in the sense that I was upset and angry at how he behaved.

As I say I too have gotten hot and cold with a girl due to an ex (as the ex hurt me pretty bad at the start of the year) .. Looking back I probably wasnt ready to date again due to the fallout of being hurt (lack of trust etc) Plus its not really fair to a new person to be acting this way.


2....

whyishedoingthis wrote: »

So its very confusing really. We're not together as a couple either, so I dont know what to think really.

This is what really is worrying. While its not acceptable for a partner to be "hot n' cold" you could see why if they were hurt (of course they shouldnt be in a relationship but that goes without saying) but one thing is for certain if that person is genuinely into you they will (A,) will eventually stop the hot and cold BS (as the new relationship will help them move on) and (B,) they would of been classed as in a relationship with you.


I am still with the girl I have been hot and cold with this year and I am over the hurtful blowback my ex caused. Thing is tho I was in a relationship with her. Sure i'd act a boll*x but when I was with her I was with her. I didnt class myself as "ah only seeing her" ....
Which leads me to think this guy is using you. 100% in my opinion. He is not just messed up over his ex, he is just stringing you along.
To sum up what you have with him >>> "I'm dating a guy for the majority of the year who is always acting hot and cold while we have never been classed as in a relationship" << thats stringing someone along right there.

LegacyUser

whatsamsn wrote: »

I have acted like your BF this year. So I have experience in this one. But two things really struk me on this one...

1...


As I say I too have gotten hot and cold with a girl due to an ex (as the ex hurt me pretty bad at the start of the year) .. Looking back I probably wasnt ready to date again due to the fallout of being hurt (lack of trust etc) Plus its not really fair to a new person to be acting this way.


2....


This is what really is worrying. While its not acceptable for a partner to be "hot n' cold" you could see why if they were hurt (of course they shouldnt be in a relationship but that goes without saying) but one thing is for certain if that person is genuinely into you they will (A,) will eventually stop the hot and cold BS (as the new relationship will help them move on) and (B,) they would of been classed as in a relationship with you.


I am still with the girl I have been hot and cold with this year and I am over the hurtful blowback my ex caused. Thing is tho I was in a relationship with her. Sure i'd act a boll*x but when I was with her I was with her. I didnt class myself as "ah only seeing her" ....
Which leads me to think this guy is using you. 100% in my opinion. He is not just messed up over his ex, he is just stringing you along.
To sum up what you have with him >>> "I'm dating a guy for the majority of the year who is always acting hot and cold while we have never been classed as in a relationship" << thats stringing someone along right there.

Hi Op, here. I really appreciate this advice and from what you're saying it sounds correct which is major disappointing as unfortunately I really like this guy. The hot/cold approach is driving me crazy though. I understand your reasons for taking this approach, but with this guy I dont, its been over 2 and a half years since the ex, he's been with other girls since and literarly within 24 hours of talking to me last week he went cold as if we were back to square one, it was crazy. So I his reasons are just pure disrespect for me, which isn't what I want at all. What I just found crazy was when he'd text me which was normally regular for a while, Id reply, we'd chat about the day, banter, flirt and such. And then if I texted like I did this week, he'd reply but he'd nearly always stop after maybe 2 or 3 texts as if it was a major inconvienience for him.

whatsamsn

whyishedoingthis! wrote: »

....Its been over 2 and a half years since the ex, he's been with other girls since.....

That ... that says it all op.
Its been 2 and a half years... He isnt acting "hot and cold" because of his ex... he is acting like that because sadly he is not that into you. He is stringing you along. Im sorry for being direct, but even a blind mad can see this one.

Personally I think the best advice comes from within. Take yourself out of the situation. What advice and conclusions would you come to if it was happening to another girl?

I know you really like him but as a person you deserve better. If you add hot and coldness, lack of contact, dating a person for a lenthy time but not within a relationship ... thats using.

LegacyUser

whyishedoingthis wrote: »

I suppose what Im asking is, is it this just normal male behaviour to act hot and cold like that

It's not normal male behaviour, it's normal asshole behaviour. Cut him loose

Katgurl

Oh forget this op, he isn't pushed. He likes the entertainment because it's their when he wants it but you're not important enough when he wasn't actively looking for it ie. When you contact him.

Freeze him out. Be vigilant. Don't bother explaining to him why, his type are good at the melodramatic big statements which just confuse you. Look at his actions and be true to yourself. You know you deserve a lot better than this bs. You'll get over him quicker than you think.

LegacyUser

Thanks a million for the replies everyone, it hurts a lot more merely because he ended us "seeing each other" a while back and I moved on and then he re-iniatiated contact about 3 months later when I was almost over him and so it all came back, its been very hard to be honest to get over him and I have tried. I know I deserve better, and I think possibly I need to re-evaluate myself first, I shouldnt have to put up with this type of behaviour when I know Im a decent person. Funny how the mind works when you like someone.

LegacyUser

Hi Op, I have been exactly where you were and for nearly 4 years. I was head over heels in love with him. I lost any sense of reason and all my friends were telling me to cop on. I didn't listen and I almost got what I wanted. He told me that I was the one and we were getting married etc. He went from dating to marriage without the relationship in between. I will tell you when he finally had enough of me and didn't even want to be my friend, it almost destroyed me. I wasted most of my 30s on a guy who I never had. I sometimes wonder was it because of the chase he gave me and when I got him, it felt wonderful but like your situation, he blew hot and cold and I never ever knew where I stood with him and one of my favourite lines from SATC 'once you sleep with someone you rationalize away all the red flags'. I miss him every day, but I don't miss the constant headwrecking trying to read into everything. I nearly destroyed my life over someone like this, please don't let that happen to you. I should have known better but at the time you can't see it. Best of luck

LegacyUser

been there 2010 wrote: »

Hi Op, I have been exactly where you were and for nearly 4 years. I was head over heels in love with him. I lost any sense of reason and all my friends were telling me to cop on. I didn't listen and I almost got what I wanted. He told me that I was the one and we were getting married etc. He went from dating to marriage without the relationship in between. I will tell you when he finally had enough of me and didn't even want to be my friend, it almost destroyed me. I wasted most of my 30s on a guy who I never had. I sometimes wonder was it because of the chase he gave me and when I got him, it felt wonderful but like your situation, he blew hot and cold and I never ever knew where I stood with him and one of my favourite lines from SATC 'once you sleep with someone you rationalize away all the red flags'. I miss him every day, but I don't miss the constant headwrecking trying to read into everything. I nearly destroyed my life over someone like this, please don't let that happen to you. I should have known better but at the time you can't see it. Best of luck

thank you so much for the advice, "beenthere," yeah it's really hard and its the same story with me, he chased me after he contacted me again, and I wasn't really buying it, I was geniuinely always busy when he was asking what my day was like and so on, but when I started to fall for him AGAIN and I suppose he saw that, he backed off pretty quickly. To be honest Im horrified at this also, I know girls act like this too, but its so cruel of guys who do this, they really have no backbone in my opinion, Ive always been upfront and straight with guys, and at his age which is mid twenties, Id expect the same.

LegacyUser

Is why people do it...
Reading your messages is bringing me back to where I was and my heart goes out to you. I even went so far as keep a diary of it all just to make sure I wasn't 'seeing' things, that in fact it was real. I always thought well if he's such a nice guy and hates to see people being mistreated, then why is he doing this to me. Fact is, we can all get on our high horse when its about others but we can be oblivious to our own actions.
The other annoying fact is that once you ignore someone and look like you're moving on, they start to chase again. This is about them and not you. It happened to me and crikey it hurts because once they have you, they're gone again. Hot and cold. The right person for you won't be like that. As painful as it is, and believe me I know, try and put it behind you and move on. I hated when people said that to me but time does heal and the less you see and hear from him the better. Its taken me over a year now but I'm finally ready to meet someone else. The only good I got from it, is now I know what I want and it ain't that stress. Good luck to you

neveah

I always thought well if he's such a nice guy and hates to see people being mistreated, then why is he doing this to me. Fact is, we can all get on our high horse when its about others but we can be oblivious to our own actions

This is so true, I often wonder do people even realise how hurtful their actions can be when it comes to matters of the heart, I don't think some do at all. I look back at my first relationship when I was much younger and I definitely think I could have been a better girlfriend. I think it's as you grow older and experience more people and different relationships that you develop as a person and you are more aware of your actions. This is good and bad, it's good because you are obviously going to be more considerate of people but it's bad because you are so much more guarded and affected by previous relationships that you do not open your heart easily and you react to things that seem 'straight forward' in very different ways than you would have before and as a result it can be so much harder to develop a relationship.

Well as the saying goes (I'm all in for sayings lately:D), you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince! Ain't that the truth!!

LegacyUser

Well one week onwards to when I last texted him and he has basically ignored me on all fronts, as in coming online on fb, he doesn't even act like I'm there and goes offline eventually and hasn't texted or phoned me at all. I am flabbergasted I'll admit that. I dont know what Ive done to turn him off within a few days. He seemed pretty chatty and flirty when we talked last and when I got in contact with him two days later, his texts were bored sounding and he stopped replying after 3 texts. Im utterly shocked. I guess its really is a case of move on, move on! Wish it wasn't so hard though.

LegacyUser

whyishedoingthis wrote: »

Well one week onwards to when I last texted him and he has basically ignored me on all fronts, as in coming online on fb, he doesn't even act like I'm there and goes offline eventually and hasn't texted or phoned me at all. I am flabbergasted I'll admit that. I dont know what Ive done to turn him off within a few days. He seemed pretty chatty and flirty when we talked last and when I got in contact with him two days later, his texts were bored sounding and he stopped replying after 3 texts. Im utterly shocked. I guess its really is a case of move on, move on! Wish it wasn't so hard though.

Forget about him! He'll be the saddo doing the rounds in nightclubs well into his thirties, chasing skirt, all the while wondering why such a good looking fella like himself hasn't found 'the one'.
Meanwhile, you'll stay true to yourself and end up with a lovely guy who won't treat you like dirt. There are plenty of lovely guys out there, hold out for one of them instead of settling for Mr Doesn't Know What He Wants. It'll be worth it : )