21 year old male - no confidence whatsoever - ruining my life.

LegacyUser

This is gonna be a bit long so I think I'll break it up a bit and you can read whatever part you want to...I'm saying sorry in advance for the spelling.

Apperance
I was picked on in school, so i'm guessing that's where all my insecurities came from.

I had a bad acne problem, so ever since then I'm always analysing my own apperance, even though my acne is gone completely.

I still feel really insecure in public - I'm always thinking people think I look like a freak, I'm paranoid about stuff like that

I'm always judging myself by my apperance, things like...
how skinny I am, my facial structure, my voice, the way I move, my cloths, everything!

I beat myself up by accusing myself of being vain, but I think the reality is I'm just horribly insecure. and I can't get passed it.

College
I did ok in my leaving cert back in 2008 (390 points) but when I went into college I dropped out in about 4 months because I just didn't believe I was good enough.
I regret that so much now and beat myself over it all the time.

I'm now doing a similar course and still struggling, still because I don't believe in myself and depression gets in the way a lot as well. I can't see myself passing this year at all.

I don't know what to do with college I'm not enjoying the course as much as I hoped to, I still don't think I'm good enough.

I'm thinking of defering or something, but it feels like I have no future and it's really frightening.

Friends
Today I have none.
In my teens I was usually with a group of about 5 people, but I never felt really accepted with them, they were more aquantences I guess.

When I was in 6th year I was pretty well established as the one of the "losers" in the school and I think that made some of them reluctent to spend time with me.
I haven't seen any of them since, and if I saw them on the street tomorrow I'd hide in a flash, because my life has been a failure so far.

Girlfriends
Never had one, never even kissed a girl in my life.
Don't get me wrong I floss, wear deoderent etc, but in my teens getting a girlfriend wasn't on my mind. I just wanted to get through school without killing myself I was that depressed.
No confidence plays a part in this too, I just keep saying to myself, "what girl would what me" so I don't even bother, I don't see the point and have no belief or future in that aspect of my life.

Family
My mam has a bit of trouble with alcohol, it was tougher when I was younger, but I'm sort of used to it now.
My dad has given up on helping her, I don't blame him.
when she's drunk it can be a bit hard to study sometimes.

Myself and mum used to have arguments a lot, but now that I'm grown up, I've copped on and I'm trying to support her as much as I can...Mainly because I see myself in her.
Sometimes I think it's because of me that see drinks, because I'm a failure or whatever.

My dad is supportive of me, he's noticed I'm depressed. but I don't feel like I can talk to him about it really.
I mean, when he was growing up you simply had to be tough. I'm afraid if he'd think I'm weak and pathetic, which I am I suppose.


Depression
Really started to notice it when I was 15, it's just gotten worse since then.
I go to a youth support group every now and then, it helps but I can't help but feel I'm not really wanted there at all, that doesn't stop me from going...but college does.

I find myself the past year or so fantasising about my own death or simply life without me. I never done it before, it's not good and I don't know where it's gonna lead to.

I went to a shrink when I was 17, but it was too expensive and I know really it's simply down to me to try and fight this off, but I'm just not strong enough.

I'm reluctent to take anti-depressents, since i kind of feel there's no cure for it and it's a matter of accepting it and getting on with life.

Hobbies
I f*cking love playing guitar, even though I'm not great.

I love learning languages, even though I did ordinary level German and was exempt from Irish, that just makes me more determined to learn.

I love jogging and lifting weights. I always feel so good after each session.

None of my hobbies have anything to do with my course, and when I'm doing a hobby I keep thinking "You're wasting time, this has NOTHING to do with college"
then I go into a depression and stop it all together.

I didn't do music as a subject in the leaving, and my points (390) are too low for a sports science degree.

These hobbies are just for a release I guess.

conclusion

I don't know really where I'm going in life.

I know having this defeatist mentality isn't doing any good
I know I'm supposed to be the leader of my own life,
I kow the harsh truth is just a matter of saying "f*ck it" and getting on with life
But I'm just to weak and I don't know what to do.
I'm really confused and I feel like I'm lost at sea.



Thanks for reading.

nonsmoker

Hi

Sorry to hear you feel this way and I hope that by writting this all down you feel a bit better...but I think you need to stop saying all the negative things about yourself!!
Start saying good things, or writing good things down, eventually they will sink in, just like the bad ones do..
You need to start liking you.

We all go though times when we feel insecure and paranoid no matter what age we are, you are not alone there. Having acne is really awful, I'm glad to hear it has cleared for you.

How can you say your life is a failure? You are 21, you did great in your leaving cert!!
It doesnt matter that you dropped out of college for whatever reason, because you went back. I think the reason you are stuggling is because its not the course you want to do.
You are young enough at 21 to try different courses, I know a guy who spent about 12 years at college doing various courses until he eventually realised what he really wanted to do:) Have you thought about quitting college for a few years, maybe work, travel? Things change and you could go back in a few years and end up doing something you never would have thought you would do.

Those 5 friends you mention, do you live anywhere near them? They probably thought more of you than you think, maybe look them up on facebook or something, arrange to meet up?
As for thinking you were a loser in school, I would say forget about school, thats a period in your life that is over, it cannot be changed now.

Keep doing the things you enjoy-
Playing the guitar, music, could you take music lessons? Be a good way to improve the guitar playing or to learn a new instrument?
Languages -there are lots of night classes, could you do a language class?
Are you a member of a gym, athletics club? You ever go to fitness classes?
These are your hobbies, they do not have to have anything to do with college. Hobbies are a great way to escape from college, work, etc and can be a great way to meet new people

I would talk to your dad, you could show him your post or just tell him a few things to start with? You could be surprised at how things really could have been for him. Its obvious he is there for you.
Have you any brothers or sisters, cousins, that you could spend time with or talk to?

All the best!

Munstermad

Apologies if this goes on a bit, but you struck a chord with me.

To me you sound like a regular 21 year old guy who has achieved quite a lot and overcome a huge amount at a very young age...

As a 37 year old woman who has been battling acne since I was 11 I fully understand the insecurities around your physical appearence, but what you focus on in your apperence is not what others see....I't took me years to realise this, decades...You need to see yourself as an attractive young man and focus on your positive attributes... Easy to say not easy to do, but practice...It really helps, I promise...If you catch your self slipping, correct it... It really will work.

College... Look no-one knows what they want to do at your age, don't beat yourself up...college is tough, hell if you don't feel its for you, and is never what we hope'd it would be but your LC results are testimony to what you are capable of.
The timing was wrong for you 1st time round, you've learnt a valuable life lesson and are starting again...Fair play!!! Thats what lifes about...lifes the journey not the destination....(sorry if that seems a bit cliche but it's true). Don't dwell on the past, you picked up and started again, a very hard thing to do...and you did it!!


HOBBIES.... The things that make you happy are the things to focus on...
your happiness is the most important thing in the world...That applies to most people (unless they have children).
You keep doing what makes you happy, and give yourself the free reign and permission to have fun and plenty of it!!! It's what you deserve and you need to realise it. It's what makes the world go round for all of us.
Fill your life with the things you love and clap yourself on the back... Your are expressing yourself through music, getting natural highs and healthy through weightlifting and obviously have a brain in your head if you have a flair for languages (music and languages go hand in hand, means you have a good ear, a real talent)
Don't pressure yourself to make your fun/hobby your career...
Have fun fun fun, set yourself goals and rewards, see if there is a social way of sharing what you enjoy... Clubs etc..I know it's scarey, but consider it??

Dealing with depression, please reconsider counselling...If you can get to a Family Resource Centre or Community Development project, many offer a service for €10 a session, if u want to pm me I'll do a bit of research to see if I can locate an affordable therapist near u... They really do help.. And please go back and talk to you GP...Antidepressants aren't a life sentance, in most cases they are life enhancing. Even consider joining or setting up a group for depression, maybe in college?... Lonliness makes depression more profound and sharing and bonding with people who know what you are experiencing is unburdening... You are not alone in your feelings and who knows you might be a life saver for someone else...

As for your relationships...
I can only say as regard to relationships, no matter who they are, girlfriends, parents, friends...If you start to love yourself, forgive others and yourself, acknowledge your flaws and failings (believe me none of us are perfect) and see them as building blocks towards the person you will become...
Smile and start to enjoy your life then every one around you will want to be in your company, have fun, laugh, take oppertunities and risks...You will start to attract people, its like an internal magnetic pull and will happen naturally...

You have no idea of how strong and inspiring you are...even asking for help and the way you constructed your message speaks of a very intelligent sensitive person... A very rare quality.

I have been where you are, it will get better, and 2011 will be your year...If you can take a few steps, scarey as they are they are claim the next year for you!!
2010 is nearly over and your life is just beginning if you want it to..
You are so brave, the bravest thing any man can do is accept help..
My thoughts are with you... Deep breaths and 1 step at a time.
S