Should I Tell Him?

LegacyUser

I need some advice. Was in contact with an ex last year. Long story short, he contacted me after a number of years of no contact saying he was single at the time as he'd never met anyone since who he could call his best friend and cud compare to me and*he apologized for cutting off contact after we broke up. *I felt the same but I was in an abusive relationship at the time and couldn't see a way out.

We were in contact for ages but things got heated, mostly because I couldn't tell him about the situation I was in, my self esteem was in tatters and I was very paranoid that he was using me as an ego boost. I told him we couldn't be in contact anymore, he said fine but was quite snotty about it, then I kind of panicked and contacted him a couple of times more, which he ignored. I regret that so much. We had the best relationship for years and only broke up because we were so young. He was the one who ended it but kind of on my insistence. Its hard to explain.*

There were a few problems, but mostly down to him being quite insecure and so good to me and me taking it for granted, in my innocence. I didn't know that relationships like that come around once if you are lucky. I know for a fact that these issues no longer exist because he seems to have developed more self confidence and I know better now. In truth, although I have ignored it, I haven't stopped missing him in the years since we split.

Thought I was a nutter to be honest to feel like that but then I was so relieved that he felt the same. Talking to him again felt like coming home. I should add nothing physical happened while we were in contact, just talking. Then I screwed it up because of the fear and paranoia I had been living with in my current relationship. Most people have 'the one that got away', but how many are stupid enough to let them get away twice!*

It has taken me the best part of a year to extricate myself from the abusive relationship I was in and I have not contacted my ex in that time. The fear and paranoia and general pathetic way in which I must have come across to my ex is now gone and I feel whole again but I still can't stop thinking about him. I've never felt so close to anybody else in my life. And I mean anybody, friends or family included and I was shocked and delighted that he felt the same.

To be honest, it was him reminding me of the strong self-confident girl I used to be that gave me the strength to get away from the abuse, which is ironic because he only knew that I wasn't happy in my relationship, not that I was being abused.*I also think that I ended up allowing myself to get involved with an abusive person because I felt so guilty for the way I'd taken my ex for granted, that I felt I didn't deserve anyone better.

I would give anything to tell him how I feel but I heard from a mutual friend that he's now going out with someone for the last few months. Also, because I feel like I came across as pathetic and he ignored me, I am worried that he wouldn't respond at all. If he said he was happy with someone else, I could take it and never contact him again. At least id have closure. But if he just ignored me I would be mortified and feel like a pathetic fool and it would undo a lot of the work it has taken to build back up my self esteem. I won't even drink in case I'll text him or something equally stupid because I'm aware that it's constantly on my mind. I feel exactly the same as I did all the time we were apart, wanting to contact him but assuming he was happy with someone else.

I would really be putting myself out there if I contacted him. We still have some mutual friends and I don't want to be portrayed as a stalker. But I'm afraid if I don't do something, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. I'm also afraid if I do contact him and he doesn't respond, I will also regret it forever. I have told myself to just get over it a million times and I manage to distract myself most of the time. But at night, both lying awake and in my sleep, he's in my head. And I have no idea what to do. Apologies for the long post. Any advice would be great.

Katgurl

How about you send him a mail saying it was great when you were in touch last year, you regret cutting contact and would really like to meet up for a coffee to talk.

If he says yes then tell him as much as you see fit. If he doesn't, there is really nothing to feel bad about, all you asked him for was a conversation.

He may have found it very hard to get over you and not want to scratch that wound again. Or he may genuinely just be happy with his new girl and not want you in his life anymore. But either way, driving yourself crazy wondering helps nobody.

hightower1

I'm very much of the opinion that in situations like this you already know what your gooing to do you just want someone to justify it.... text him.
I would if I were you, what you had was special and a chance at that again is worth a possiblity of embarrasment.

Good luck with it k. Hope it works out well for you.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys. Actually was kind of hoping I'd be told to cop on and that he'd have contacted me if there was any hope to save myself the embarrassment.

Has anyone actually felt this way, contacted their ex and had a good outcome?

missmelo

Im thinking it would be slightly selfish on your part to contact your ex seen as he is seeing somebody, just to ease your curiosity, if he was still interested he would have contacted you, last year is a long time gone?

LegacyUser

Yeah missmelo I know you're right. My head is saying exactly that. And also that I'll probably end up mortified. Unfortunately, my heart is saying, what if he's not happy, what if he wants to contact me but is just afraid to like he said he was for the last few years and a year is a long time but he said he'd missed me for 5 years before that. Silly heart. I believe in going with your instinct but I don't know if my instinct agrees with my head or my heart, if that makes any sense at all.

You're right though. They say that if you love somebody, then their happiness is the most important regardless of your own feelings. And I want him to be happy. I just wish I'd said some things. Oh well, I've been dealing with this feeling for years so I'll just keep on dealing with it I guess. Thanks for your honesty.

missmelo

Im sorry if what i said sounded nasty, you have come out of a bad relationship that lowered your self esteem, maybe your feelings for this guy are confused because he made you feel confident and you want that feeling back and he reminds you of it?
If you know some people that know him suss it out that way id just be afraid that it would blow up in your face and it could set you back.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Firstly fair play to you for getting out of the abusive relationship and rebuilding yourself, big high five, that's brilliant, it's a pity more women don't have your courage and sense in those situations.

I don't know you or the ins and outs of your life but if it was me in your position I would write him a letter. Just telling him all that happened and why you broke contact, just put it all down on paper. Finish by telling him that would love to meet up and see if the spark is still there but that if he is in a relationship you completely understand and wish him total happiness. You could also apologise if your previous behaviour plays on your conscience. If he's a decent bloke he won't show or tell other people and sure if he does you'll know he's a **** and that you're better off without him. I know it takes courage to put yourself out there but if it works you'll be so glad you did, gotta at least try you know? Once again well done and fair play for getting to were you are.

Best of luck.

neveah

As the old saying goes 'nothing ventured, nothing gained'. I think writing a letter or an email is good idea, that way you can say everything you want to say about what you've been through and how you feel etc.

You would definitely be putting yourself out there so be prepared for rejection. He may not feel the same about you so how would you feel then? Only you can decide if you can take that chance and if you can deal with things if they don't work out.

Best of luck