friend breaking my heart

LegacyUser

i posted here ages back about being in love with one of my male friends. The advice i got was to tell him....move on and stop contacting him!

Soooo i didnt tell him....but i tried to move on and stop contacting him. It worked for a while but he just kept flirting with me and calling all the time and inviting me to events with him etc etc...

I would just like to add that i have known him over 8 years and something happened over 3 years ago with us (just a one night thing) we are amazing friends and he is the person that i would ring first to share news with and i have been finding it very difficult to move on from feeling the way i do for him.

so the problem is he has met someone...she is older than me (closer to his age) and he tells me over a text message! i needless to say am devastated as the further i pulled away from him the closer he got to me and now he is seeing someone else his calls have become less frequent. As far as i know he is seeing her for only a month or so but i am gutted. I dont even know why. I feel like i was a pseudo girlfriend until someone came along for him and now i feel like i have been totally used. I cannot talk about it with him like i would usually talk my problems out with him and to be honest i dont even want him to mention her to me.

He obviously doesn't feel more than friends with me, but he gave all the signs that he did. Im confused....do i just completely cut him out now or still be his friend....god i dont even know why i'm putting a message up here....i'm just really hurt i really love him and tried to move on but it felt like it was him that was chasing me then and that maybe gave me a bit of hope!

do i be a complete Biatch now and tell him exactly how i felt about him or is that being completely selfish now that he is with someone else? or has the time passed to do anything about it??

please help....i think i'm demented from it all!!

Chinafoot

OP, I appreciate how tough this is when you have such strong feelings for him but I do think you need to try and be a bit rational about this.

Firstly, you seem upset that he told you about this girl over a text message. From his point of view there is no reason not to tell you this way. You haven't told him how you feel about him so you can hardly expect him to know to sit you down and break it to you gently. You're being unfair.

I don't see how you've been used as a "pseudo girlfriend". As far as this guy is concerned you're his friend and nothing more. You said yourself he's the first you ring with news. Why assume he's using you? Would you accept someone telling you you're using him and you're only friends with him because you want more? I doubt it.

As for his calls becoming less frequent...look, have you been cutting him off or not? You claim you have been trying to cut contact with him yet you mention how often he called you. Have you been answering? Meeting up? Surely his calls being less frequent now is a good thing and will give you a chance to get over him.

Personally I think your hurt and anger is misplaced. You should be angry at yourself for not making a decision one way or another. You can't expect him to just know. I think you should tell him. Tell him that you have romantic feelings for him and appreciate that he is seeing someone and as such you need to stop being on contact for a while at least.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Does he know you're love with him? If he doesn't you're kinda being dishonest about your whole friendship. You say you're annoyed at being used as his pseudo-girlfriend. It seems you were quite aware and more than content you were his pseudo girlfriend until he found someone he wanted as a real girlfriend.

If he does know he should distance himself from you for your sake. Can't be a great guy if he would flirt knowing you're interested.

You have to take personal responsibility here, you chose to stay close to him in the hope it might become more - that risk didn't pay off.

S23

What Chinafoot said. The only person you should be annoyed with is yourself. You failed to act on your feelings or be honest with him about them.

Maybe, since he's such a nice guy and a good friend, if you'd told him he'd have handle any situation with him seeing a new girlfriend delicately to spare your feelings. However, he hasn't a notion about the extent of your feelings so it's only natural for him to tell his friend about the new girl he is seeing.

Your friend isn't breaking your heart because you've done this to yourself. You need to be honest with this lad in future to avoid this kind of confusion and pain. I wouldn't go running to him now telling him you love him though. If things don't work out with him and the new girlfriend you'll have a window of opportunity at some point to be honest with him and tell him how you feel. I suggest you do so if the opportunity arises again or else you're just setting yourself up for more heartache and disappointment

LegacyUser

had a tough weekend after posting my message and i take all opinions on board.

He rang asking to confirm going to a concert with him in a few weeks which would involve me staying over in his house and i told him i couldnt go. He had planned for me to meet his new girlfriend there and just told me this on Sunday. i did feel like a child saying no that it would not be good for me to meet her and he came across all confused about it....

so after over 8 years of being in love with this guy i just let it all out....maybe it was the kick in the ass i needed to move on with my life! needless to say he doesnt feel the same about me and is upset that if i cannot get over my feelings where does that leave our friendship!

I am kind of numb about the whole thing at the moment, because i was trying to work my way through this myself and was obviously doing a piss poor job of it. I told him i was working on getting over him because deep down i knew that nothing was going to happen as i was not his type...he just said that i have a lot to think about and that i need to take the handbrake up in my life and get on with it.

I'm now scared that i will never be able to be friends with this guy and i dont want him out of my life.....i realise that eventually he will pull further and further back but for the moment i want to start being his friend but is this really a good idea?

do i need time to sort my head?!? ahhhhhh i know i really fupped up

LegacyUser

feelingsickofit wrote: »

so after over 8 years of being in love with this guy i just let it all out....maybe it was the kick in the ass i needed to move on with my life! needless to say he doesnt feel the same about me and is upset that if i cannot get over my feelings where does that leave our friendship!

good, you have finally lanced the boil and put your feelings out there. sometimes this just needs to be done in order to move on. perhaps deep down you knew you couldn't be together but needed to hear it. people can be very good at fooling themselves.

it's not important that your friend is upset about your feelings, you need to do what's best for yourself and take control.

feelingsickofit wrote: »

I'm now scared that i will never be able to be friends with this guy and i dont want him out of my life.....i realise that eventually he will pull further and further back but for the moment i want to start being his friend but is this really a good idea?

you want to start being his friend? the problem is that you already are his friend! where has it got you? eight years in love with someone when you could have met someone else willing to love you back. you need to take a step back here and look it this objectively, you are in no state to be friends with this guy, maybe you are in your comfort zone loving him unrequitedly but this isn't healthy. you absolutely need to cut contact with this guy and give yourself the space you need to heal. you have taken the first steps, don't stop now.

maybe he will guilt trip you into remaining friends but you need to be strong. we should never rely on others for happiness, it has to come from within.

ask yourself the following: do you not deserve better?

Distorted

I think you just have to use it as a learning experience OP and I think you might need to cut off all contact with him for a while and then see if you can cope with being just friends at some stage in the future. Maybe have a think about how he is really making you feel - it doesn't sound as if he makes you happy and you presumably didn't reveal your feelings for him because you suspected he did not entirely reciprocate. Neither did you let your feelings entirely die down, due in part at least to his flirting and constant calling and texting, so you lived in hope. And why not - many relationships have developed in time from friendship. What I am saying is that I don't think you were in the wrong. I'm not going as far to say he led you on but I don't think its any coincidence he did just enough to keep you interested but at arm's length, while it suited him.

I also don't believe that a grown man, who is after all, older than you, can have no idea that you had stronger feelings for him. So in a way, you were right to tell him how you felt, because its good that he should know how a person might feel in these circumstances.

I think you need a break for him because at the moment you seem to be focussing an awful lot on him and you need new friends to take your mind off him and help you to put things in perspective. And if you have any kind of contact with him, it will be harder to do this. If its a true friendship, it can be resumed again in time, once all this has died down, and he might be relieved for the pressure to be lifted for a while too.

cafecolour

feelingsickofit wrote: »

I'm now scared that i will never be able to be friends with this guy and i dont want him out of my life.....i realise that eventually he will pull further and further back but for the moment i want to start being his friend but is this really a good idea?

do i need time to sort my head?!? ahhhhhh i know i really fupped up

You did the right thing in order to get 'healthy'.

The reason you don't want him out of your life is because you are in love with him. Consider this a break up.

Tell him that your feelings for him are too strong and you need to cut all contact. Then do so.

Down the road, when you've moved on and met someone else, you may be able to regain contact and actually be friends.