GF a little bit hot and cold

LegacyUser

Hey,

Just wondering if anyone can shed some light on this for me. We're late 20s, been going out about 6 months. She stays over pretty regularly and we see each other maybe 3x a week and have gone away for weekends etc.
Half the time we get on great and she's very loving and soft, talking about moving in together some day, and she sends me a msg every night saying she loves me etc.
On other occasions she seems a bit, well, 'meh' about the whole thing, where I'm the one doing all the organising to meet, initiating any physical contact and her mushiness turns to kind of playing hard-to-get, insinuating that we may not be going out long enough to do this or that (I have to stress that its always in a joking manner, but still drags me down a bit).

Other important factors are that I was just out of a long term relationship (7 yr) when I met her and that we have already booked a holiday for a few months down the line. This would suggest that on the inside at least she's committed!

Am I just being paranoid?
Any insights into how the crazy female mind (or mine for that matter) works appreciated!

LegacyUser

Ok, from a crazy female perspective lol... has she given you any solid indication at any point that she's not satisfied with the relationship? Maybe she's trying to get a reaction out of you because she's unsure about whether you see this as a long term thing, putting out the feelers as such. Especially the little jokey comments about the future - maybe she's looking for reassurance, for you to respond with 'of course we'll be together long enough to do xyz'??

Have two spoken seriously about where you both see it going? It sounds like she really does feel strongly about you, but sometimes pulls back because she's not sure if you're serious... IMO.

I think the fact that you were just out of a long relationship is only important in relation to how that relationship was and how you were in that relationship. I know they say that it's ideal to leave a fair bit of time before getting involved in a new one, but sometimes if you know it's not going to last a while before it ends you can almost get over it while you're still in it... does that make sense? Was it an unhappy relationship/did it end badly? If so, then you may have been left with a tendency to read a little too much into things and expect the worst.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I totally agree with what the previous poster has said. I am also a female
It sounds to me like she is a little insecure herself (sorry, not insecure in a bad way at all, just totally into you and maybe testing the waters as the other poster said)
Maybe she really really wants this to go far, when girls do sometimes they hold back a bit more so as not to ruin things, or so as to get more confirmation of security so they dont get hurt.
Its when you dont care about it lasting that you'll be less cautious, IMO.
I reckon this girl really loves you
PLUS, if you are just out of a long relationship like that, maybe she wants to feel like she can live up to your ex, or that this is definitely not a re-bound (sorry dont know how long you said you were broke up with your ex...)

Anyway, all this is good signs IMO. The texts saying she loves you, the seeing you often etc, so good luck, im sure it will work out!!

LegacyUser

Maybe it's the ex issue. What's the background to your previous relationship? Who broke it off, was it sudden/unexpected? This may be colouring her thinking.

Canluum

HotnCold wrote: »

On other occasions she seems a bit, well, 'meh' about the whole thing, where I'm the one doing all the organising to meet, initiating any physical contact and her mushiness turns to kind of playing hard-to-get, insinuating that we may not be going out long enough to do this or that (I have to stress that its always in a joking manner, but still drags me down a bit).

She likes you a lot, but this is a bad habit to fall into. She'll start taking you for granted. Things you do will become trite and boring. As guestyguest says she may be a little unsatisfied with the relationship (but can't put her finger on why).

What can you do?
-Be busy and unavailable at times. It's not good if you're the only one organising to meet. She'll appreciate having to actually win your time, and appreciate the time spent with you more if it feels earned rather than pushed upon her.
-Be decisive.
-Only ever say sorry when you're genuinely in the wrong.
-Avoid saying "I love you", instead show it through thoughtful gestures. The rare time you do say it (unprompted and not because you feel guilty about something) she'll appreciate it more, it might actually mean something. Grab her around the waist, look into her eyes, hold her gaze for ~5 seconds, study her eyes or the freckles on her nose (or whatever) and then say it.

In the bedroom try being a little more... dominant. "Take" what you want as opposed asking for it. Obviously you're only giving the perception of taking and if she gives any thing other than a positive response you change tack.

Basically think Don Draper minus the philandering.

These aren't games... you're giving her what she wants but unable to articulate.

LegacyUser

OP, when she mentions moving in together at some point in the future, how do you react? And when she does show you affection, like the messages telling you she loves you - do you respond in kind, or is your response a bit awkward or wishy-washy? Maybe she just feels like she's getting mixed messages.

I think you two need to have 'the talk' about what you'd like for the future... and I know that's scary, and I know it can be something both people may be reluctant to do for fear of breaking the spell so to speak - but it seems she's a little insecure, and you're definitely feeling insecure about the situation, so I think a talk would reassure you both.

I'll grant you there are some women who are high maintenance, but most of us, when we develop strong feelings for a guy, just want to know where we stand.

Canluum wrote: »

As guestyguest says she may be a little unsatisfied with the relationship (but can't put her finger on why).

To be fair Canluum, that's not exactly what I was getting at - I don't think it sounds like she's dissatisfied with the relationship at all, just that she'd like more assurance on where it's going.

And I have to say, some of your other advice sounds a bit player-ish to me... if a guy started carrying on like that with me all of a sudden I'd think he was a bit of a twat tbh, and it would put me right off him.

I'd be interested to know - have you ever tried any of those measures with a woman? How'd it go?

Canluum

guestyguest wrote: »

And I have to say, some of your other advice sounds a bit player-ish to me...

Player-ish I think is a little harsh. There is nothing anti-monogamous in what I said and a healthy amount of respect is mandatory.
I think you find it reminiscent of "pick-up-artist" (I don't like that term so let's just say PUA) mantras. You'd be correct that there is some overlap. Though modern PUA are stigmatised and get an undeserved bad rap, what is preached is about building and maintaining attraction and interest. Whether your interest be marriage or a quick fling the goal is the same.

guestyguest wrote: »

if a guy started carrying on like that with me all of a sudden I'd think he was a bit of a twat tbh, and it would put me right off him.

If that's actually the case then I think you're misunderstanding me, obviously there is moderation. It's being confident over clingy, not about being a dick. He is merely valuing himself and his time, not being taken for granted. Build your life first and fit your partner into it, not the other way around. You have to value yourself (cliched as it sounds) before your partner does.

guestyguest wrote: »

I'd be interested to know - have you ever tried any of those measures with a woman? How'd it go?

Great. I've not been dumped or had anyone lose interest in me since changing my attitude.



In terms of the bedroom thing... I don't think I phrased it very well. "Take" could be taken out of context, I don't intend it to mean selfish. Let's just say I prescribe to the Dan Savage concept of being GGG. Due to culturally influenced female sexual suppression it can be very difficult to get women to be open about what they want and asking beforehand simply doesn't work. In my experience it certainly pays off to try to be a little dominant and gauge the reaction. It is very individual specific however. If you want them to try something on you then again best not to ask for it but rather mention it's something you like, and be really GGG yourself.



The "being unavailable at times" goes both ways. Nothing excessive mind you, but having your partner there all the time, more or less at your beck and call, wanting to constantly spend more time together can be a little suffocating. I need a partner to have her own friends, to have other things on and not just be about me. My interest level steadily declines otherwise.

Ickle Magoo

Canluum given a weeks holiday.

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Many thanks.
Ickle

whatsamsn

A person acting hot and cold in a relationship is most commonly a tell tale sign that the relationship is going to end. Its one of the most over looked things.

HotnCold wrote: »

Other important factors are that I was just out of a long term relationship (7 yr) when I met her and that we have already booked a holiday for a few months down the line. This would suggest that on the inside at least she's committed!

It sadly doesnt mean anything mate.
For example lets look at what can happen in a relationship with say 2 people dating for 1 year .... First 6 months girl is crazy about the guy. By the 8th month mark shes bored. By the 1yr mark shes away from him.
So lets say the holiday was booked in month 5 to go away in month 8? above says it all.

Relationships in my view are all about reading the now. Not what a partner may have acted like or done in the past. One of the biggest signs of things to come is the hot and cold act. Its been proven right time and time again.

LegacyUser

guestyguest wrote: »

Ok, from a crazy female perspective lol... has she given you any solid indication at any point that she's not satisfied with the relationship?

Nah, not a bit.

guestyguest wrote: »

Have two spoken seriously about where you both see it going? It sounds like she really does feel strongly about you, but sometimes pulls back because she's not sure if you're serious... IMO.

Yeah our conversations mostly allude to a future together, just not a detailed timeline I suppose.

guestyguest wrote: »

Was it an unhappy relationship/did it end badly? If so, then you may have been left with a tendency to read a little too much into things and expect the worst.

Yeah I wasn't happy for a good while, but didn't do anything about it as I kept convincing myself it would get better etc. She knows that and has expressed a little bit of concern about me willing to settle for something thats not right.

I think a lot of my concern comes from the fact that firstly, she's never lived with someone seen them every day etc whereas thats what I've come to expect so we're looking at it from diff perspectives. She's used to relationships with a lot more independence.
Secondly, the last guy she was going out with before me broke up with her suddenly even though they were making plans for the future too, so maybe shes afraid to open up again?