falling for the boss

funnychick

hi,

my dilemma is simple really - i have a great boss and i have found myself falling for him in the past few weeks! i live for going into work and seeing him! i know it sounds like a childish crush but i dont think that it is! im 31 and i have been looking for a guy like him all my life! people ask me why i am still single but i honestly can say that it is because i hadnt found someone funny and nice (until now that is).

he is the most adorable person i have ever met - he puts me in good form all the time - he makes me believe in myself and makes me laugh half the day! when i think about things he has said or done i find myself smiling!

he is 29 and is single and I just want him but i know its the forbidden land - so how do i deal with this? i cant have him and im not going to make a move on him at my christmas party as some friends have suggested! i did make a comment one day about a guys parents who fell for each other and his father was her boss at the time - i said oh no that should not happen - to which my boss responded - why not??? there is no rule against it!!! now i dont know what way to take that up! anyway we get on really well -sometimes killing eachother but then most times having a good aul laugh!

what do i do ( without making a move)! its eating me up not having him and i talk about him so much that my friends feel like they know him already!!

Any advice is appreciated

Zeouterlimits

Honestly, I think you should just ask him out.
You're both single adults, just be mature about it.

funnychick

Zeouterlimits wrote: »

Honestly, I think you should just ask him out.
You're both single adults, just be mature about it.

thanks Zeouterlimits but i dont think i could do that -see i fear rejection so bad, i have been burned before and also the fact that I would have to go into work and face him every day if he said no!
i think he likes me but i have been wrong with other guys before so I dont know if i should trust my Gut or not!

LegacyUser

Life's too short to do nothing. When you get old you'll only regret it if you do nothing.

Do you think you'd be the first couple ever to get hooked up like that? It's very common.


So, be professional in your work, be passionate in your private life. Go for it.

If it doesn't happen? Be polite and move on. You actually have a security blanket of your work relationship, it being a bit more unlikely he'd do anything nasty or unkind.

funnychick

bananaRep12 wrote: »

Life's too short to do nothing. When you get old you'll only regret it if you do nothing.

Do you think you'd be the first couple ever to get hooked up like that? It's very common.


So, be professional in your work, be passionate in your private life. Go for it.

If it doesn't happen? Be polite and move on. You actually have a security blanket of your work relationship, it being a bit more unlikely he'd do anything nasty or unkind.

thanks for your advice- very much appreciated and totally gives me hope :)I have already established on a previous post that i couldnt make the first move though! plus i dont want it to happen at our christmas party - i would die of the shame of it! people have already picked up on our chemistry in work and have made comments but we have both just pretended we didnt hear them! ( kind of embarrassing)

how do i go about making him make the first move? do i just wait and hope? are there any signs i can give him?? ( childish again i know)- i just dont think i would deal with the rejection well! please dont judge me i know i am old enough to have courage!

Kimia

TBH OP, it sounds like you're already showed the 'signs' to him and he still hasn't made a move, although it does sound like he's interested. Maybe he's as shy as you? The reality of it is, if you're not willing to make the first move (because it's obvious he won't or he would have already done so by now) and tell him you're interested it sounds like it won't happen. Sorry.

Sometimes our shyness/fear stop us from getting what we want. It's sad really.

LegacyUser

So, what is now needed is someone to play cupid. Someone to be a go-between, to see "how the land lies", someone to ask him if he's interested in you, OP. It is entirely possible he's reluctant because of your professional relationship.

Is there anyone you know you can trust 100% to be your confidant?

Kimia

If someone came up to me in work asking me was I interested in my co-worker, I would say no, even if i was. I'd think they were just after gossip tbh.

Do you really think her boss is going to tell some random colleague that he likes the OP?? There's no way, if he's a professional.

LegacyUser

Hi there

just my 2c worth as someone who Employs a lot of girls/women

he's NEVER going to make the first move, even if he is dying too he won't/can't because if he does and you reject him it will affect his standing in the job. Not from a point of slagging, it's deeper than that, he will be off the pedestal of respect that his position has as once the others hear about what happened they will look at him differently.

I know I didn't explain that too good but trust me

also being hit on/flirted with/even having blatent attempts by female staff to get a physical connection going is quite par for the course as a young attractive boss, I'm mid 30s look good etc etc and have loads of times had to gently let down girls from 18-40, this is not because I'm super hot or anything, it's a lot to do with the fact they trust you, respect you, see you as successful and confident.

So.......you are going to have to corner him have a proper chat and ask
him very discreetly if he would like to go out for a coffee sometime, if you don't you may as well forget about it, his position prevents him from doing it.

As a bit of comfort he isn't going to hold it against you, and most likely if he does say know it'll be forgotten about the next day

so get your courage up and go for it ! Your sad now, but not half as sad as you would
be if he starts going out win someone else and your left wishing you had at least tried!!

Finally, there is a happy ending, I've just started to date a girl from work, and it's going great.

LegacyUser

Why does it have to go anywhere for the time being? How long have you been working for him/how long has he been single?
you could always magic up a pair of tickets for something over Xmas, say a friend bailed on you at the last minute, would he be interested in coming to the event? The worst he can say is no, and even if he does, sure ye were only going as friends/colleages!

miec

Normally I would be the first to say go for it but I would feel extremely uneasy having a romantic relationship with my boss for all sorts of reasons. I agree with the poster who is a boss that he cannot make the move, also he may fear of being done for sexual harrassment so there is that added fear.

Op if you are really beginning to fall for your boss would you consider seeking another job (I know its hard during these times) and then asking him out. I say this because lets say you work up the courage to ask him out and he says yes and you are like yey and you both start dating. There might be jealousy or uneasiness amongst your co-workers, you might flub up in the job and he has to reprimand you (how will you deal with that), god forbid the company is doing badly and he has to make you redundant, or you want a pay rise and he can't give you one, or he gives you a rise and others get jealous because you have a relationship with him. What if you both argue and have to come into work and act as normal and horror of horrors in my opinion... you have an amazing relationship but over time it goes bad and you break up, then you have to face him every day with all that history.

The thing is Op I am somewhat projecting all my fears in the above, you may be able to handle things better than I could in the above, but I do think they are worth considering. Get to know him better, if he really is that great and someone you can connect with, find another job, tell him why (the most perfect way in) and then hopefully he will say yes and then you could have a good future but be in separate jobs.

funnychick

okay i might just add some more to this - i have been working for the company for 3 years and he has been a manager on my team for near 2 years however he has only become my boss in the past few months! i have always fancied him since he moved onto our team but i didnt know him that well until I started sitting near him and we have good proper chats! he is always so attentive to what i have to say and remembers things! he doesnt treat me as a subordinate -more like a friend!

he laughs at my jokes and I laugh at his! He is so intelligent - actually i sometimes feel stupid around him! we seem to bounce off eachother!

i dont think i could corner him like one of the posters mentions but i could subtely drop hints that i am interested! (not flutter my eyelashes or anything like that but just by dropping hints on how good a catch he is etc and how i cant believe he hasnt been snapped up already) i have been told that he cant hold a girlfriend because of a certain hobby and spends most of his time at this! i dont think it would bother me to be honest! i think if you really loved someone and they were passionate about a sport that you would want them to enjoy it! if he really loved you he would make a little bit of time for you - well thats what i believe anyway!

i dont ever expect that he will ask me out either - jsut because of his position so i am probably just relying on it to JUST HAPPEN! ( am i living in fairyland?)

i dont know maybe its all wishful thinking on my part!

i dont think i could move jobs - he is the reason i enjoy my job! i wasnt happy in it until he became my boss so i think he is good for me! he reassures me all the time so i need this confidence boosting! even if i cant have him i do think that he is good for my self asteem!

S23

Sorry if this is harsh OP but you're old enough to know better than some of the stuff you've said on here.

You've fancied him for the 2 years since he was on your team but he's only recently become your boss. Why on earth did you not make a move on him in the (18??) months before he became your superior? You made no effort to get to know (and neither did he) this bloke you fancied for a considerable length of time. Why has it only come to a head now that he is your boss?

I would agree with miec that there are some serious issues around dating your immediate superior in work. I'm not suggesting it is completely unworkable but I'd have a long hard think about the repercussions of potentially dating him.

You have good chats and he laughs at your jokes and you think he's intelligent. That's all well and good. It doesn't describe anything out of the ordinary though. I could say the same thing about numerous people I know both male and female.

As for him not being able to hold down a girlfriend because of this hobby you won't mention. First off you've no idea if it's true. Next you need to slow down with your 'if you love someone enough and they love you' etc.... You've skipped a long, long, long way ahead of yourself there. Even if you did go out on a date or two love and understanding are a long way down the track.

You're right its (99.9%) likely that it's not 'just going to happen'. I'd forget about the dropping hints thing too. First off it doesn't change the fact he's the boss and not really in a position to do anything about it regardless. Secondly you're not a kid anymore. If you really have something that it's that important for you to say then spit it out.

If you really feel that strongly then just get him on his own and ask him out.

Without wanting to sound cruel, though, it sounds like you've just got hung up on the first guy who has paid you a bit of attention.

we have good proper chats! he is always so attentive to what i have to say and remembers things! he doesnt treat me as a subordinate -more like a friend!

think he is good for me! he reassures me all the time so i need this confidence boosting! even if i cant have him i do think that he is good for my self asteem!

I could be wrong and the other people who have assessed it probably won't happen could be wrong. However, unless you are actually willing to do something about it then the likelihood is you'll never know.

Best of luck OP

LegacyUser

I'm a firm believer that if you don't do something you'll regret not knowing what might have been.

I understand that you're worried about rejection, we all are really.

My advice is this: next time you're with him in his office or whatever, out of earshot of anyone else, perhaps talking and having a laugh, just seize the moment. Say "Bill (or whatever), I'm sorry if I'm speaking out of turn here, but we do seem to get on very well, could we go for a drink sometime?".

Once you get past the trauma of getting around to saying that, the words will spill out and you'll think that it was easier than you thought!

Be ready, however, on the offchance that he doesn't respond positively, to just say "Oh ok, forget I said it, you get nothing without asking"! With a big smile on your face - make a joke out of it, that'll dissolve any discomfort.

If he's a decent chap he'll either say "sure I'd love to" or he'll say "Its lovely of you to ask, but I just see us as mates".

I tell you, us blokes get asked out so rarely its brilliant when we do!

Good luck!

G.

G-Money

I think you have to get over this fear of rejection. I think a lot of girls rely on the age old mentality of the guy is the one who does the asking and that way they can sort of justify their fear of rejection and justify not making a move.

F*** it, if guys are expected to make a move, why aren't girls?

I agree with a previous poster in that I think this guy will probably never make a move because he is your boss. We don't know the rules in his company about these things, but even if it's not banned, it still could be heavily frowned upon so I'm not surprised he hasn't made a move. There are a lot of politics in most work places. It's often complete b*****ks but unfortunately it exists.

As a guy myself, I don't really spend a lot of time chatting to girls I'm not interested in. I can't speak for every guy, but that is just me. If I like a girl, I will be in touch a lot, but if I'm not interested then I will sort of make small talk and be polite but that is as far as it goes. So my guess is that if he's spending a lot of time talking to you and it's not work related, then he may be interested.

The thing you have to think about is, what will happen if you make a move and he is either uninterested or it doesn't work out? Will that make the work environment unbearable? The only reason I'm saying that is for you to try and cover your bases and at least have an idea of what you will do if things don't work. Would you have to switch teams or even leave? Does the company allow such relationships between people in such a situation?

The way I see it, you have to either make a move or just leave it. He probably can't make a move on you now as he's your boss and I'd say it's almost a little unfair of you to expect him to do so. Tread carefully and the next time you meet a guy, don't wait 2 years to make a move on him!

Miss Fluff

Do you ever go to the pub after work? If not, start doing so together the odd Thursday or Friday evening, good chance to get to know each other outside of work.