Big Fat Crossroad or A Cul-de-Sac

LegacyUser

I am absolutely addled by my life situation and thought I would write it down and see if neutral objective opinions might help me gain some perspective. Bit of background to help first:
I am a 37 year old female, who has always worked and am now a senior manager in a very good job for the past 8 years. Of course my wage/lifestyle has been hit by the recession but I do my best to fulfill the duties and get on with it. Being in management I don’t expect to make too many friends here but it is a pleasant working environment albeit very onerous and time-consuming.
I live alone in a smallish town, West of Ireland, but don’t really have any friends there. My friends are living in various country and town locations depending on whom they have married/settled down with etc and I only see them 2/3 times a year.
I used to be married too but sadly my marriage ended almost 6 years ago and I lost a lot of money trying to adjust and pay the legal bills. The divorce has been granted & I now solely own the mortgage. No kids.
I am not close to my family in the way that I see others ringing/visiting each other. I care for their welfare but wouldn’t be unusual not to hear from them for ages. I often feel like a failure in their eyes or at least ‘difficult’ or perhaps different I suppose. Just not nice...somehow. This makes me feel guilty, angry and sad at varying times. I talk to a counsellor once or twice a month to work through stress at work & also personal issues. It helps somewhat.
I used to work abroad & felt happier there. I have become very close to a man from that time and am strongly considering moving there.
Here are my fears:
• I might not get as good/stable job as I have here.
• My family will totally disapprove.
• I feel as if I am abandoning them and can never come back.
• I need to continue paying my mortgage & (my loan :20k) but wondering if I should stay until I am debt free....(at least 2 more yrs).....loads longer for the mortgage.
• While I want to emigrate for the sun/other cultures, a big part of me wants to be with this man-does this make me weak?
• We have discussed this and talked about a future together...live together and possibly have a family. Can hardly dare to believe this as I am TERRIFIED of trusting again. There are no job prospects for him here.
• I will not have the ‘career’ everyone tells me I am so lucky to have but there are other options to retrain abroad.
Positives??:
• I can pursue this relationship and give it a chance (know each other 3 yrs)
• I find Ireland hard...feel like an outsider...struggle to stay at classes or enjoy nights out...over a certain age around here almost feels illegal to be out in pubs/clubs...and lets face it they are not too pleasant.
• I am not too crazy about my job anyway and might become a full-time mum...
• Winter & Christmas really bring me down....I find this time of year dark, false and filled with commercialism and pressure.
• Right now it doesn’t feel as if I am living my life. I am not moving forward and feel alone most of the time. A change might do me good after a rotten hard heart-breaking decade.
• All I really want to do is quietly regain some happiness and live and sleep well without putting in or out on anyone.

Thanks for reading & maybe the wise people of this section might be able to help.

dellas1979

What would make YOU happy?

What do you want out of life?

For example, not to put too finer line on it, you are 37, do you want children? What is more important to you? Can you prioritise?

Chuchoter

To be honest, I'd say go. You only live once. Just running through a few of the things you were talking about here:

20k is not a huge amount to pay off, I'm fairly sure you could just attach it to your new mortgage abroad, if you were to have one at all.

You say you aren't close to your family, so you shouldn't pay a huge amount attention to them.

The relationship here in Ireland has been over 6 years. Its not going to come back. Remember why you broke up, is that reason still there?

If you have reached a senior management position at your current job you obviously know what you are doing, theres no reason you wouldn't be able to get a reasonable job where-ever you intend on going.

The only thing I'd be careful of is make sure the main reason you are going isn't this new relationship, you need to be going for you. Not someone else.

whatsamsn

You are in one tough situation OP. This is a classic "Living/More happy vs The Unknown" ...
Its hard to give up security to make things better cause of the aforementioned "unknown" - But life is unknown. The company you work for could go under or jobs cuts etc. The future is uncertain....

If you did not have financial dept I would strongly advise just taking a chance and living your future. Regrets are worse than mistakes. But ... its not so clean cut.
It almost feels like its not just about flipping a coin. ... its about making a calculated choice which I think you have to listen to what your heart and mind combined want.

scentedcandle

Hi,

from what you've expressed it's fairly clear that your heart is (or rather wants to be) somewhere else. The biggest obstacle I think you have is the remainder of your mortgage however you are stating all these other 'obligations' if you like, as half reasons why you think you should stay - such as your family, which you say you're not the closest to and you say you think they see you as some sort of 'dissappointment', I don't know the reality of that statement but if it's true and not just your perception then they would certainly not be a reason for making ME feel guilt about moving away further from them.

Maybe it's that you feel alone and think there's little chance of meeting someone to settle down with here - which is my absolute belief about Ireland - we have a very 'closed' culture of socialising, people go out in tight groups and concentrate exclusively on one another for the night, you could get chatting to a guy, get on really well but he'll never ask for your number at the end of the night, my experience with them is they are lazy/feckmakers or shy. And if you think about it, the way it is now is men of a certain age (30's) have most likely built up unavoidable debt so are out less with any surplus cash to spend. I've noticed that the majority of people out socialising the last two years are women. They seem to outnumber men 10:1, I really observe these things. Like yourself, they have particular jobs which are more recession-friendly like office type roles as opposed to factories or trades. And the amount of graduates leaving the country is unreal. You'd probably have a better chance of meeting an Irish guy in Canada.
As for this guy you had a relationship with, how foreign is his country?
Is there a huge culture difference between there and Ireland?
Could you honestly say you think there'd be a good chance of it working if you were to move over to him? You say something about there being no opportunities for him here - if he's semi/professional then sounds to me like with your experience YOU might have a great chance of finding something similar to what you're doing now over there.

Your head is full of 'what if's', but ask yourself who are you living for really?
A family seemingly full of indifference?
Your friends are settled now and are not likely to become free and single ever again.
Are you holding out for a partner you may never meet in this country?
I'd seriously consider my options.
Can you rent your home for the remainder of the mortgage ect?
I'd grab the opportunity to emigrate with both hands, I'd plan it meticulously and make a few trips overseas to your intended and above all MAKE SURE that he would want you there permanantly.

Best of luck with your decision making

LegacyUser

OP I am currently looking at emigrating with my OH.
Like you, we have a mortgage. Unlike you my family and friends are very close to me.
So, we also have the list of things that are pros and cons.
The thing is that both of us want to go abroad, and try living away for a year - besides the fact that the economic situation is leaving us no real option.
You've given a lot of factors there as cons, but mostly, as with ours, they all come back to the same thing - fear of the unknown.
The biggest one, for me in your position, would be the relationship with the other guy. That is the one you have most control over. If I was in your situation, I'd consider moving abroad, but not to be with him straight away. Moving abroad for you, with the bonus that you know someone in the place you move to. Set yourself up out there. Get yourself somewhere to live independently, find a job, develop a life out there. Don't put yourself in a position where you end up relying solely on him, and if it all goes wrong you're on your own in a strange country with absolutely no back up whatsoever. Let things develop with him, but look after yourself first. You have every right to guard your heart very fiercely....hurt like a divorce does not magically disappear and your reluctance for it to happen again is totally understandable.

Put aside your list of pros and cons for a second and ask yourself what do you want. Would you be happier giving it a try out there? The money aspect can be dealt with...you can still pay off loans from outside the country you know. As for family...look, I know this sounds callous, but they are not the be all and end all. Don't let them prevent you (indirectly) from living your life.

People went abroad in the 1800s during the famine, without even knowing they'd make it over there alive. They went abroad in the 1970s/1980s, knowing they'd hardly ever get to come home. They went abroad for the last 10 years, because they could and they wanted too. And now we're back here again - emigration. If you feel you could have a better life out there, then go. But don't go just for the other guy - go for yourself.

Distorted

To an outsider OP, your life sounds fairly successful but I think a provincial town can be a hard place for a single woman. Although at least your'e not trapped by circumstance and do have option. Its easy to say move abroad - after all, who wants to wake up at 80 and wish you'd taken up more experiences in life - but do your research first. Research the country, culture and jobs market thoroughly. Don't move for the man and only if you'd be happy staying there without him. And do your research on him too, in terms of finding out what his true character is, as sometimes you can get a very good impression of people when you see them at their best for limited periods of time but a completely different impression when you spend more time with them.

scentedcandle wrote: »

Maybe it's that you feel alone and think there's little chance of meeting someone to settle down with here - which is my absolute belief about Ireland - we have a very 'closed' culture of socialising, people go out in tight groups and concentrate exclusively on one another for the night, you could get chatting to a guy, get on really well but he'll never ask for your number at the end of the night, my experience with them is they are lazy/feckmakers or shy. And if you think about it, the way it is now is men of a certain age (30's) have most likely built up unavoidable debt so are out less with any surplus cash to spend. I've noticed that the majority of people out socialising the last two years are women. They seem to outnumber men 10:1, I really observe these things. Like yourself, they have particular jobs which are more recession-friendly like office type roles as opposed to factories or trades.

I'd agree with that. I don't live in Ireland now (and am not single) but I'm always taken aback when I return by how much Irish man drink, how badly they behave and how obsessed they are with younger women, despite often having bad debts due to divorce, seperation or low wages. And they always seem to consider themselves such a catch or be very negative! Its very off-putting. The good ones seem to all be snapped up early!

LegacyUser

Just a quick one.... i used to feel like an outsider in Ireland too.

I could never understand wanting to live here either.

I hated winter.. couldn;t stand the cold or the darkness.... I hated the commercialisation of Christmas and the pressure it put me under (or possibly that other people seemed so happy and I was miserable seeing people happy - certainly the present buying got me down when I was short on cash). These were things which I could not control. They could keep effecting me or I could try to cope with them, to deal with them as best I could.

This year, none of that really bothers me as much as it used to.

Even though it is cold and grey and dark, I have taken to the gym and looking after myself and I haven't once felt my usual winter blues. I took up a hobby and made new friends. I got involved in my community and found that being involved mean that I was no longer an outisder - I wanted to live in a community where people knew each other and talk to each other and I have found that to a greater extent (by making a bit of an effort originally).

Wherever you go, you always return to yourself. If you are unhappy here, you may be unhappy there. Granted, it's nicer in a hotter climate.

I wouldn't worry about disapproval from your family - it seems to be uniquely Irish to do so. I know myself from my folks ("oh no, what will dad think?")

You can always come back - no one judges you over these things. In fact, the best advice I ever got before I headed away was "you know, if you don't like it, don't be afraid to come back".

I'd get out there and make the most of here first. Or I'd even considering moving to a bigger town with more possibilities of making some friends. I'd get on the phone to my friends around the country and organise a trip to see them, maybe taking in each one every month - even if it's just for a couple of hours, a cup of tea at theirs. Yes, people are busy getting on with their own lives but I've always been cheered up when a friend calls and says they're coming to visit.

Maybe take a holiday or a few weekends to see this guy and see what the prospects of living there would be.

Btw, I'm in my late 30s too. I have stopped going to loud noisy bars / night clubs (unless with a big gang) and I go to places which are more welcoming where I can chat to people.

Good luck with your decision whatever it is.

astra2000

Hi op, I think if you love this man and have full trust in him then you should seriously consider moving to be with him. You have to live your life for you and not for any expectations your family may have on you, lots of people move away from their families and still remain close. As a parent I would see my childs happiness to be more important than any career.
Is it possible to take unpaid leave from your job even if it was just a couple of months, to test the waters on how living in a different country may suit you. Have you considered renting out your house to pay mortgage, fo you have any assets ie car you could sell to reduce your personal loan or would it be possible to get redundancy from your employeer? Do you think it will be easy to get employment if you move.
I think a lot of your reasons for not going are enforced on you from other peoples opinions, the good job, disappointing your family, not trusting your bf. Have more faith in your judgements you lived abroad before and liked it. Sometimes you just need to take a leap of faith best of luck

LegacyUser

OP here. Apologies for not replying sooner but I wanted to thank those who responded. The replies were carefully considered and did help clarify things for me and I guess it is summed up between the known(and dull) and the unknown (frightening but also exciting).
My heart is telling me to go and my head is too. So like the poster before said, plan it carefully and do it so I will.
So I am giving myself 6 months until departure...but how do I untangle the ties here?
If I might add onto this post could anyone outline a short 'how to emigrate' post for me or should I start a new thread?
E.g: I can't bring all the stuff in the house with me nor do I want to...gifts etc. The house would be well furnished etc but I can't afford to store or replace it so I guess I ought to remove the glassware/cutlery/books stuff!!! but what will I do with it? Storing with friends/family is not an option. Ideally I need to lease it but not sure if demand is here...
Thank you.

Moomoo1

As Wilde said, 'the only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it'...

if you have a house you could consider putting all your stuff (that the tenant doesn't want) into the loft, or into the spare room, or something like that.