worried about ex

longneck

hi all.left my husband 2 years ago after years of emotional abuse and neglect.he does'nt speak to me or our kids now.however i can't help worrying about him, he looks terrible,scruffy etc.i know he wo'nt be heating the house,eating properly etc (i used to do all that),just sitting there wallowing in misery and feeling sorry for himself.he has no friends at all, so other than work, he'll be having a very lonely exsistance indeed.i feel sad that someone should have to live like that and guilty i suppose for leaving in the first place.anyone else able to manage these feelings?

Nevyn

He is a grown man and should be taking responsiblity for his own well being.
If he doens't want to then it is not your job. If you feel you need to then talk to one of his family about getting him help if he needs, starting with a Dr.

You need to let go of the responsiblity and the burden of care for him.
It can be hard but he needs to learn to sort himself and his life out and you need to focus in yourself and your kids. Have you considered couselling to help you with what you have been going through?

LegacyUser

I can sympathise OP, I am in a somewhat similar situation...

I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years, or rather was broken up with initially, but it ended up mutual (but not amicably) in the end after we had tried things one last time...

I saw her last week after 3 months of no contact and she looked absolutely awful. She has lost so much weight, she looked confused and sad, and seemed to be almost muttering to herself on a park bench when I saw her from the top of a bus (she didn't see me). She has a history of depression, and is a little on the immature side so there was always an element of dependancy, but seeing her like this took the biscuit. I never could have imagined this would happen. I have the inside line from one of her close "friends" that she is going to a psychiatrist a couple of times a week, and she has lost her job because she simply stopped going to it after we broke up.

Where I feel this is relevant is that I probably felt some similar emotions to you. That lingering love you shared will always be there on some level, and you'll always feel responsible for their wellbeing. I just wanted to run off that bus and go grab her, and hold her, and keep her safe. Her friends aren't really there for her, and she is living on her own. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do to not ring that bell.

The crux is though that you both broke up for a reason. Guilt or whatever sense of responsibility for him is not enough to revisit what you had, and you shouldn't hold on to it. People don't grow unless they are forced to do things for themselves, so if he can hold on to a job, he can presumably get himself together at some stage. He's an adult and you can't be reasonably be expected to feel guilty, but it happens. If you're still on any sort of terms perhaps you can help him along as long as it's not going to complicate things for him; Maybe encourage him to get involved in some activities or something that will encourage him to meet new people and become a little more productive in his personal life and looking after himself?

LegacyUser

I can sympathise OP, I am in a somewhat similar situation...

I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years, or rather was broken up with initially, but it ended up mutual (but not amicably) in the end after we had tried things one last time...

I saw her last week after 3 months of no contact and she looked absolutely awful. She has lost so much weight, she looked confused and sad, and seemed to be almost muttering to herself on a park bench when I saw her from the top of a bus (she didn't see me). She has a history of depression, and is a little on the immature side so there was always an element of dependancy, but seeing her like this took the biscuit. I never could have imagined this would happen. I have the inside line from one of her close "friends" that she is going to a psychiatrist a couple of times a week, and she has lost her job because she simply stopped going to it after we broke up.

Where I feel this is relevant is that I probably felt some similar emotions to you. That lingering love you shared will always be there on some level, and you'll always feel responsible for their wellbeing. I just wanted to run off that bus and go grab her, and hold her, and keep her safe. Her friends aren't really there for her, and she is living on her own. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do to not ring that bell.

The crux is though that you both broke up for a reason. Guilt or whatever sense of responsibility for his wellbeing is not enough to revisit the emotions you once had, and you shouldn't hold on to them as they are not healthy. Have you considered speaking to someone about this?

People don't grow unless they are forced to do things for themselves, so if he can hold on to a job, he can presumably get himself together at some stage. He's an adult and you can't be reasonably be expected to feel guilty, but it happens. If you're still on any sort of terms perhaps you can help him along as long as it's not going to complicate things for him; Maybe encourage him to get involved in some activities or something that will encourage him to meet new people and become a little more productive in his personal life and looking after himself?

astra2000

Hi op it is sad that he is living like that but its not your fault. If hes working then I presume he is capable of doing things for himself but for what ever reasons he chooses not too. If he was like this throughout your marriage and is still like this now chances are that even if you had never met that would be the way he behaved. If you think you can make a difference by speaking with someone then do so.
I doubt you are going to be able to just stop worrying about him but if you have no way of helping him then you need to accept that, if you find you are thinking about him a lot make a firm decision that to only spend a few mins per day thinking about this and force yourself to put it out of your mind for the rest of the day in short compartmentalise it. Best of luck