Probably asked a million times before...

LegacyUser

Im a guy and a virgin in my mid 20's. Up until now, besides the loneliness of it, i've always been relatively ok, im happy in my life and just generally a happy person but the older i get the more this is starting to tear me up. A bit of googling turned up a wikipedia article on love shy people which i think is my problem, they very idea of taking the next step with a girl, by which i mean going on a date (not that this situation comes up very often) scares me more then i can possibly convey and none of the extremely few people who know my situation can understand.

I'm not sure why ive posted this because i know the answer is to just go out and push through the fear and i know theres not a whole lot anyone can say but i just felt like i wanted to tell somebody.

/end of whinge

beks101

You strike me as someone with confidence issues, and this is probably why you're so uncomfortable with the idea of intimacy or expressing romantic/sexual interest in another person. That and the fact that maybe it's something that has gone on so long that it has become bigger in your head.

Are you happy and confident with your appearance? How are you when it comes to conversing with the opposite sex? These are two good places to start. It can be as easy as joining a gym, switching up your diet, making more of an effort with clothes and setting small tasks for yourself when it comes to conversing with girls - start with the ones you aren't interested in. These small things can give a huge confidence boost and you can slowly build it up from there. It's not going to happen overnight.

Maybe it's worth considering talking to a professional too about your 'love shyness', if you feel it's something you need help with. At least talking about it and getting to the root of it could be a huge help to you. Wishing you the best of luck OP.

pwd

beks101 wrote: »

You strike me as someone with confidence issues, and this is probably why you're so uncomfortable with the idea of intimacy or expressing romantic/sexual interest in another person. That and the fact that maybe it's something that has gone on so long that it has become bigger in your head.

Are you happy and confident with your appearance? How are you when it comes to conversing with the opposite sex? These are two good places to start. It can be as easy as joining a gym, switching up your diet, making more of an effort with clothes and setting small tasks for yourself when it comes to conversing with girls - start with the ones you aren't interested in. These small things can give a huge confidence boost and you can slowly build it up from there. It's not going to happen overnight.

Maybe it's worth considering talking to a professional too about your 'love shyness', if you feel it's something you need help with. At least talking about it and getting to the root of it could be a huge help to you. Wishing you the best of luck OP.

Shyness isn't strongly linked with how attractive you are tbh (or your perception of how attractive you are). I think paying less attention to yourself - not more - is advisable for a shy person.

Shyness is just a matter of how comfortable you are interacting with people. The only way you get more comfortable interacting with people, is by interacting with people more.

though I'm not sure if "pushing through" the fear is necessarily the right way of thinking of it. It might be more beneficial to just let yourself be afraid, if you're afraid, but being ok with that and still doing what you want to do.

I used to be dreadfully shy, especially with girls. I'm 6'2, alright looking, and while I was shy I was a lean 15 stone. But getting lots of attention from girls didn't stop me being shy. And now that I'm not so pretty, it doesn't make me shy again.

What made me overcome shyness was just talking to people/girls, and being in situations where I would be the centre of attention. It's really very simple to overcome shyness - not necessarily easy, but definitely simple.

beks101

pwd wrote: »

Shyness isn't strongly linked with how attractive you are tbh (or your perception of how attractive you are). I think paying less attention to yourself - not more - is advisable for a shy person.

Fair point. I was referring more to the OP's confidence here, to make sure that's not the crux of the problem as it's a lack of it seems to be a common problem both guys and girls have when it comes to dating.

Needless to say shyness and lack of confidence can be two separate issues - all through my childhood and adolescence I was a pretty confident and self assured kids but with crippling shyness around strangers/groups/the opposite sex and particularly those I was interested in. It didn't help growing up in a pre-dominantly female environment.

With me it was a case of desensitization to it and I think this is key - repeated exposure to groups of strangers and new social situations, through college, nights out, house parties etc and getting used to male company, having male mates for probably the first time ever. Do you have many female friends OP?

I think people who are naturally outgoing in social situations take for granted the behavioural traits which come spontaneously to them - smiling, making and maintaining eye contact, assuming a relaxed posture, producing appropriate conversation topics...all pretty important when it comes to the opposite sex too of course and all of which can be learned with a bit of effort and practice.