Need advice on how to deal with this

LegacyUser

So a girl I was going out with for about 3 months (not too long I know) moved country recently. I knew this was happening from the get go and, while we both didn't want to get too close to each other, it still happened. Her moving was unavoidable and it's doubtful she'll ever be back again. Maybe briefly but nothing permanent.

Now she moved abroad about 3 months ago - making us meet each other about 6 months ago. In this time not only was she my girlfriend but she was also my best friend. I'll admit that the day she moved was one of the hardest days of my life and I've been asking myself ever since "why did I let myself get so close to her?" I mean, I think I was falling in love with her. Stupid, I know, but you can't help you fall for right?

We kept in contact almost everyday for about a month afterwards until I told her that I couldn't do this that often because it was too difficult for me. I'd come home and be so happy to talk to her that as soon as we finished talking I missed her even more. She agreed that she was missing me too and that she thought it was a good idea not to talk as much as we did.

We do still talk to each other but maybe once every week or two and not every other day like before.

We're not going out anymore, that wouldn't work out (we're both early 20s and I think a long distance thing is a bad idea at our age) but that still doesn't stop me missing her.

I think there's some other guy in her life now and if there is, good for her. I want her to be happy and date someone who lives near her and not me - who lives about 2,000 miles away. At the same time, I dread bringing it up to her in conversation asking her if she is with someone else. I mean as happy as I am for her if she is, I know if I ever meet the guy I will hate him. I also think that if she isn't seeing someone else then that will give me a false hope even though the chances of us seeing each other again are slim to none.

We spoke about visiting each other a lot while we were together and, while at the time, both of us thought it was a great idea, now I think it's not so great an idea. I'll see her for maybe a week and then have to go through all the pain I went through before again? I don't think my feelings for her will ever go away, maybe they will be buried but I can't help but feel visiting her is not helping things.

That said, I really want to see her again. I want to keep speaking with her and I want to see how she's getting on in life but every time I do, I can't help but miss her a bit more. I don't miss her as keenly as I did the 1st couple of months but I still think about her a lot. I swear sometimes it feels as if she has died. She's just not there any more.

At the moment, I'm content to keep talking to her as I am but I still want to see her again and I don't know how to broach the topic or if it's even a good idea. That's what I'm asking for some advice on anyone who's been here before. Cheers

SparkyTech

missingsomeone11 wrote: »

So a girl I was going out with for about 3 months (not too long I know) moved country recently. I knew this was happening from the get go and, while we both didn't want to get too close to each other, it still happened. Her moving was unavoidable and it's doubtful she'll ever be back again. Maybe briefly but nothing permanent.

Now she moved abroad about 3 months ago - making us meet each other about 6 months ago. In this time not only was she my girlfriend but she was also my best friend. I'll admit that the day she moved was one of the hardest days of my life and I've been asking myself ever since "why did I let myself get so close to her?" I mean, I think I was falling in love with her. Stupid, I know, but you can't help you fall for right?

We kept in contact almost everyday for about a month afterwards until I told her that I couldn't do this that often because it was too difficult for me. I'd come home and be so happy to talk to her that as soon as we finished talking I missed her even more. She agreed that she was missing me too and that she thought it was a good idea not to talk as much as we did.

We do still talk to each other but maybe once every week or two and not every other day like before.

We're not going out anymore, that wouldn't work out (we're both early 20s and I think a long distance thing is a bad idea at our age) but that still doesn't stop me missing her.

I think there's some other guy in her life now and if there is, good for her. I want her to be happy and date someone who lives near her and not me - who lives about 2,000 miles away. At the same time, I dread bringing it up to her in conversation asking her if she is with someone else. I mean as happy as I am for her if she is, I know if I ever meet the guy I will hate him. I also think that if she isn't seeing someone else then that will give me a false hope even though the chances of us seeing each other again are slim to none.

We spoke about visiting each other a lot while we were together and, while at the time, both of us thought it was a great idea, now I think it's not so great an idea. I'll see her for maybe a week and then have to go through all the pain I went through before again? I don't think my feelings for her will ever go away, maybe they will be buried but I can't help but feel visiting her is not helping things.

That said, I really want to see her again. I want to keep speaking with her and I want to see how she's getting on in life but every time I do, I can't help but miss her a bit more. I don't miss her as keenly as I did the 1st couple of months but I still think about her a lot. I swear sometimes it feels as if she has died. She's just not there any more.

At the moment, I'm content to keep talking to her as I am but I still want to see her again and I don't know how to broach the topic or if it's even a good idea. That's what I'm asking for some advice on anyone who's been here before. Cheers

Hi OP,

Don't beat yourself up about this. Love and the human heart are complex things.

By all means keep in contact. If you've found someone who complements your life and makes you happy then there's no reason to cut them out. I know its hard dealing with the fact they are living in another country entirely, and from a purely practical view it will be difficult to have a relationship with her, but that still does not stop you from being good friends.

If you decide to be just friends, however, you will have to find a way with being content at only talking a few times a week, or every other week, and as much as it might pain you to resign yourself to this and deal with the loneliness that ensues the end of each conversation, isn't that better then not having her in your life at all, given you shared so much good time together? Over time it may get easier and both of you can enjoy the others company over the phone/on visits without pain or heartache when you finish chatting and have to go back to getting on with your separate lives.

Maybe this will be too difficult and the only way to truly move on will be to go cold turkey. Only you can make this decision but there is no need to rush. Perhaps write down the pro's and cons of how things stand and if you believe further contact in the future is worth it?

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Thanks for your answer, it was quite helpful. I agree with what you said entirely. I mean we spent so much time together in that 3 months that it seems almost a waste to throw it all away. If nothing else, she's still a friend. It seems to me that I miss her more than she misses me but I don't know how I can say that for a fact. That is just as likely me being insecure as being correct.

Do you have any advice on how to broach the "other guy" topic? I mean there may not be one yet but there will be. She can't go 5 minutes without being asked out by guys. I don't want her to feel that she has to keep her love life secret from me but at the same time I don't want to imagine someone else being with her. I know I can't claim to have any say in who she dates at all but it's hard to equate feelings with logic sometimes.

As for visiting, I want to see her more than anything again but I don't know if it's worth the potential pain. Especially if there's some other guy involved. Bad enough she may be with someone else - the last thing I want to do is go visit her and see her kissing him, cuddling with him etc... Also, I don't think he would be too impressed about her ex visiting her from another country.

I don't want to give her an ultimatum "I can only visit you when you're single" as that's ridiculous. Also what if I get another girlfriend in the interim? How would she feel about me keeping in touch with my ex?

I don't know why I can't seem to bring these topics up to her when we're talking. I just seem to block and I don't want to ask her, or I'm afraid of asking her. Any tips here? Thanks for reading so far

LegacyUser

anyone?

SparkyTech

missingsomeone11 wrote: »

Do you have any advice on how to broach the "other guy" topic? I mean there may not be one yet but there will be. She can't go 5 minutes without being asked out by guys. I don't want her to feel that she has to keep her love life secret from me but at the same time I don't want to imagine someone else being with her. I know I can't claim to have any say in who she dates at all but it's hard to equate feelings with logic sometimes

Ask it casualy, or let her bring it up natrualy into conversation. If you feel you won't be able to handle her talking about her new boyfriend avoid that territory until you feel you can handle it without pain and view it objectivly. However, even if you don't bring it up, she may well do, so you have to prepare yourself for this. Only talk to her when you feel you are ready and give yourself plenty of time to come to terms with it.

As for visiting, I want to see her more than anything again but I don't know if it's worth the potential pain. Especially if there's some other guy involved. Bad enough she may be with someone else - the last thing I want to do is go visit her and see her kissing him, cuddling with him etc... Also, I don't think he would be too impressed about her ex visiting her from another country

If the two of you have come to an agreement where your realtionship is just platonic then there's no reason why her current bf should have any reservations! Granted it might be awkward if you meet him and her in the same room at first but if you make it clear its only a visit and a catch up then I can't see why he would have any objections to it.

I don't want to give her an ultimatum "I can only visit you when you're single" as that's ridiculous. Also what if I get another girlfriend in the interim? How would she feel about me keeping in touch with my ex?

I don't know why I can't seem to bring these topics up to her when we're talking. I just seem to block and I don't want to ask her, or I'm afraid of asking her.

I think you're afraid of what might happen if she dismisses your worries and rejects you by cutting off all contact. Only way to get over these blocks of communication is to plunge yourself in the deep end and go for it. If you cant force yourself to say it over thr phone (idealy), then write an email or a letter and get a friend to press the send button. Have you evert thought she might not be fully aware of what you're going through? She might sympathise and could offer you comfort or closure on what your going through? We cant mind-read, but if we knew what the other person was going through we could offer them some advice of our own that might help somewhat. I reckon that if you're compleatly honest with her she will still want to keep you in her life, and your friendship would grow stronger as a result.

I would advise against giving an ultimatium, and there's no reason why you cant have a current girlfriend and still keep in contact with this other woman as long as its all above board.

Best of luck