wedding present. thank you's

doireann08

Hi All

Just a quick question on etiquette on when you should send thank you's for wedding presents. I went to my first cousins wedding back at start of July.

Neither me nor my parents have received any acknowledgment at all for present. I am a bit miffed as I spend a fortune on my present and I think it is exceptionally rude not to have sent even a thank you card at this stage??

I was at the whole wedding. Am I being totally unreeasonable, justified at thinking this is extremely rude or is it normal not to send thank you cards at all?

flahers

I posted a thread some time ago very similar to yours. I'm 50 and was brought up to always say 'Thank you' for all presents I ever received and always encouraged my children to thank people for gifts received. Likewise we have attended weddings where we have been very generous and never received any kind of acknowledgement for presents. Personally I think it's very rude and I would have expected more from these people, some family I have to say.

kandr10

I'd have to agree. It's happened to my parents too and they were also quite annoyed. It's just good manners. Maybe they're printing something with their pic though, which might take a while. Can I just ask, how do you feel about those generic thank you cards where you just add the name? I think receiving one of those is like not receiving a card at all!

whatdoicare

Took us ages to reply with Thank you cards, etiquette is up to eight months, I hear. I was still receiving presents up till a month ago (got married in May and people are still telling us they have presents!) but we mostly didn't have time to sit down and get it done or the money for stamps (50 euro I didn't have) the thoughts of writing out like 96 cards with personal notes after spending so much time making and preparing everything for the wedding was just daunting! We were working on the album at the same time and moving house aswell. We also wanted to write proper notes, not scrawled "Thanx k bye" so we needed to have proper time to do it!

Also, maybe this might have happened, we got presents who we have no idea who gave them to us as there was no card attached. We sent cards to everyone we could but inevitably someone is going to get missed (remember the couple are dealing with probably 100 -150 people or more). We're just hoping if someone got missed that they might pass this fact along to us either directly or indirectly.

Hope this puts yr mind at ease - I'm sure you'll get a thanks soon.

Cadyboo

Attended a wedding in March this year. Got the thank you card last week, was wondering if we were going to get one and expected it to have the couples picture on it as it took so long. But it was just a plain run of the mill thank you card, so now we think they just forgot about us!

doireann08

thanks to be honest its not the card i am bothered about, it is the complete lack of acknowledgement at all, a phone call would do, i am friends with my cousin on facebook.. wedding was 5 months ago, so maybe they are getting pictures printed etc for their cards

My cousin had about 300 people at the wedding, a lot of people who were at th, she hadn;t seen in about 10 - 15 years and it seemed like she wanted a big wedding as several of the people i met there hadn't heard from her in years

To be honest, i think that if a couple gets presents, they should sent thank you cards. So what if they have to send 100 or so. and costs 50E for stamps. If someone had taken the time to chose you a nice present and attend your wedding, you should take the time to thank them !!!!

I mentioned it to my parents that I was quite surprised that they hadn't sent thank you cards and I hadn't received any acknowledgement whatsoever of my gift. My parents said they were surprised that they didn't receive any thank you card either ( my parents gave cash)

Not sure if I was forgotten about ( I left a card in with my gift. My parents gave a card and cash and put it into the my gad with present).. As my cousin and I are friends on Facebook, I think its strange that I didn't even get an email from her in facebook, saying thanks for pressie, loved it..

Should I just leave it or if there is no card at all. I should send her a mesage asking her if she liked pressie?

whatdoicare

doireann08 wrote: »

To be honest, i think that if a couple gets presents, they should sent thank you cards. So what if they have to send 100 or so. and costs 50E for stamps. If someone had taken the time to chose you a nice present and attend your wedding, you should take the time to thank them !!!!

Well, I was trying to explain that sheer numbers made the job harder and made it take longer. You only had to buy one present but as you said, they have 300 people to deal with so at least 150 cards to write. It's a daunting task. Give them a chance. Maybe they want to have the album ready and visit you in person to thank you. Who knows.
Before you say "but the album should be ready by now" my album was only finished last week - nearly eight months later. I don't know why it took so long, it just did.



Oh another reason may be this - I had all my cards written out and sent but gave my mom a few to deliver as she was going to be visiting them that day (trying to save stamp money)
She forgot about them and I only just found out that those people only got their thanks there a few days ago. They found it funny though as they knew I was grateful.

Featherl

I'm sure Thank You is on its way - attended a wedding in early May and Thank You card came last week

whatdoicare

Featherl wrote: »

I'm sure Thank You is on its way - attended a wedding in early May and Thank You card came last week

Was it my mam that delivered it? Sorry about that

smelltheglove

Thankyou cards can be a nightmare. I wouldnt take it as personal at all whatsoever.

I myself personalised my invites stating no gifts required, instead of placecards ont he table at the wedding I had envelopes with the names on them, each envelope contained a thankyou card with a couple of verses written by myself, one on how we felt to be getting married and another thanking all my guests for their presence and any gifts they gave were a bonus that we would appreciate. A few people mentioned to me afterwards about the cards and how they thought it was a nice personal touch rather than just a plain card saying thanks.

I wonder sometimes with threads like these did all the guests realise these were their thankyou cards. Each envelope also contained our favours too as a gift back to them.

dollybird2

I got married in July and haven't sent thank you cards yet. We are still receiving gifts from guests and we are still awaiting our photos back so we can choose one for the card.

Most couples don't individually thank people for fear you would leave anyone out.

According to a book of wedding etiquette thank you cards should be sent out within 6 months.

Vinny-Chase

doireann08 wrote: »

I am a bit miffed as I spend a fortune on my present and I think it is exceptionally rude not to have sent even a thank you card at this stage??

Did you spend a fortune just to be told how great your present was or did you spend a fortune because the couple were close to you and you felt a present that cost a fortune was that justified?

Did the couple say thank you on the day?

Can you not take comfort from the fact that you got the present to make them happy and not to make you happy from being sent a card thanking you?

Very surprised at this thread I have to say. Are people expecting cards that say "Dear ?, thank you for your toaster/ kettle/ frame, you're great"?

tinkerbell

smelltheglove wrote: »

Thankyou cards can be a nightmare. I wouldnt take it as personal at all whatsoever.

I myself personalised my invites stating no gifts required, instead of placecards ont he table at the wedding I had envelopes with the names on them, each envelope contained a thankyou card with a couple of verses written by myself, one on how we felt to be getting married and another thanking all my guests for their presence and any gifts they gave were a bonus that we would appreciate. A few people mentioned to me afterwards about the cards and how they thought it was a nice personal touch rather than just a plain card saying thanks.

I wonder sometimes with threads like these did all the guests realise these were their thankyou cards. Each envelope also contained our favours too as a gift back to them.

I think this is a wonderful idea!

Benny Cake

Didn't the couple whose wedding attended feed you well and treat you to a good nights entertainment?
You shouldn't give a gift expecting to be thanked for it, give it because you want to.....

Da GOAT

Im getting married and I honestly dont think thank you cards are necessary. I would be thankful for any gift someone gives me but I dont feel the need to give someone a little piece of card months later.

Reading the above discussions it seems very selfish to consider it an insult not to get one.

aviendha

I think it's a question of basic manners - if somebody makes the effort to give me a gift, I want to thank them for their generosity and for helping to share the day. I think it's rude to do otherwise - and there is also the added worry by a guest that the happy couple didn't receive their gift and that it was somehow lost.

If you ask them to come, there should be no expectation that they should simply be grateful for being fed/entertained - your invited guests give gifts to wish you well, not in return for a mass-produced meal and cheesy music

Vinny-Chase

aviendha wrote: »

your invited guests give gifts to wish you well

Does that not say it all? You should be giving gifts for the couple, not to satisfy your own ego by being thanked. This is not directed at any one but I mean in a general sense.

I wouldn't care if I didn't get a thank you if I gave a gift. Am I to expect the couple to buy and distribute thank you cards to me and every one else? Not to mention the fact that cards are a lot of the time separated from the gifts so you end up not knowing who gave what.

The couple have enough on their mind without massaging my ego.

I was under the impression you give gifts because you want to and because the couple have been good enough to invite you to share their big day - let's not forget the real message behind a marriage.

efb

Thank you cards, pfft, not bothered, great weddings, the couples looked happy!

uberwolf

after our Wedding thank you's went out within 6 weeks, except for people who we hadn't received anything from. We took notes of who got us what as we opened cards / gifts.

At this point we have also sent thank you's to people from whom we have received nothing, thanking them for sharing the day with us.

Toots

aviendha wrote: »

I think it's a question of basic manners - if somebody makes the effort to give me a gift, I want to thank them for their generosity and for helping to share the day. I think it's rude to do otherwise - and there is also the added worry by a guest that the happy couple didn't receive their gift and that it was somehow lost.

If you ask them to come, there should be no expectation that they should simply be grateful for being fed/entertained - your invited guests give gifts to wish you well, not in return for a mass-produced meal and cheesy music

I totally agree with this! TBH, I find it baffling that people would gripe over the 'cost' and 'hassle' of sending thank you cards. The guests took time out of their lives (perhaps had to take annual leave from work), traveled, most likely had the expense of buying a new outfit, getting hair done, etc, and then spent time and money on a gift for you. And lets face it, in the majority of cases, people seem to spend a lot of money on wedding gifts.

I printed up thank you cards, with a simple design that took very little ink, wrote them and then posted them. I think including stamps, the overall cost to me was about €80, and most of that was stamps. My sister in law bought a box of little blank cards, they were really pretty, and cost something like €10 for 25 cards. Granted it was pretty gruelling, and my hand was killing me afterwards, so I can see why people would put it off, or do them in groups of 10 or so.

As aviendha said also, it at least lets the guest know that you got their present. We got a few presents in the run up to the day, but we were shocked at how many we were given on the day. Our poor best man was terrified that he'd lose something and when we left the hotel the next day we had 2 bags full of cards and loads of gifts. I ended up having to check off the guest list as we opened them in case we'd missed anyone.

I wouldn't be exactly be annoyed if someone didn't send a thank you card, provided that the gift was acknowledged in some way. Not looking to have my 'ego massaged' here, but I'd at least expect that they say thank you, not necessarily in writing, but some way.

We were at my husband's cousin's wedding in the summer. He and my husband would be quite close and grew up together, so we gave them €200, which is a lot of money to us. We gave the card to the best man on the wedding day, and we never got a thank you. As I said, he and my husband are quite close, so we see him quite regularly, and I wouldn't even have expected him to send a card because we live about 5 minutes away from each other, but he never even said thank you for the gift. Honestly I was surprised but I suppose they had a lot on their minds and were busy after the wedding. I just think that if someone is generous enough to give you a gift, then the least you can do is expend a small amount of effort to thank them, if not with a card, then at least say it to them, or send a text or an email.

Penny Dreadful

D_Red_Army wrote: »

Didn't the couple whose wedding attended feed you well and treat you to a good nights entertainment?
You shouldn't give a gift expecting to be thanked for it, give it because you want to.....

You invite people to an all day celebration / party you have to feed them.

Da GOAT wrote: »

Im getting married and I honestly dont think thank you cards are necessary. I would be thankful for any gift someone gives me but I dont feel the need to give someone a little piece of card months later.

Reading the above discussions it seems very selfish to consider it an insult not to get one.

Its basic good manners to acknowledge the gift and say thank you. I think it is very very rude not to send thank you cards.

Vinny-Chase

Be interested to see the division of men & women on the for & against front

Penny Dreadful

Vinny-Chase wrote: »

Be interested to see the division of men & women on the for & against front

Good manners are not gender specific as far as I am aware.

efb

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

Good manners are not gender specific as far as I am aware.

Penny some of us, dont feel the need for a Thank You card, and its nothing to do with 'Good manners'

(This is my opinion as a guest, btw)

WaltKowalski

I've lost count of the amount of weddings I've been to in the last few years.
I've got thank you cards back from most.
Some have waited until the following christmas to send a joint thank you/xmas card.
In my experience, it's the brides that make the most fuss over invites and rsvps that suddenly forget about etiquette when it comes to thank yous. They'll spend silly money on (what I consider to be) rubbish and then can't justify the expense of some stamps and stationary.
The most impressive expression of gratitude I got after attending a wedding was a text from the groom the following day. He was so genuine. And that was followed a few weeks later by a card.

tatli_lokma

aviendha wrote: »

if somebody makes the effort to give me a gift, I want to thank them for their generosity and for helping to share the day. I think it's rude to do otherwise

whilst I absolutely agree with you regarding manners and saying thank you, not everyone sends a card to say thanks, but that is not to say they did not thank you.

I made a point of speaking to each guest and thanking them on the day - not with a little card months later. As with the manners of giving a gift, the same goes for thanks - once someone does thank you, the means of the thanks should not matter.

What we did was send out little TY cards quite a number of months later when we had all the photos back - we purposely waited til then as we had asked the photographer to take a photo of each guest. We included these photos with their card. Everyone that got the card thought it was great. I only found out about 2 mths ago, that as with another poster, my dad who was supposed to drop off the cards with neighbours forgot about 6 of them as they had fallen down the back of the kitchen cabinet!

Thankfully all the neighbours are good friends and laughed about it. They weren't waiting on the card to be thanked, as they had been personally thanked both on the day itself and some of them by phone the next day.

but it can get a bit silly can't it? you gave me a present, I thanked you on the day, but then someone might think it bad manners if this thanks is not put in writing, so I'll send a card....but what if someones card goes missing in the post and they get offended???? maybe I should phone them to see if they got the card. Then they can thank me for taking the time to thank them........ :P

basically, my opinion is....you should ALWAYS say thank you to your guests for sharing your day with you. That is the main thing, even if they don't give a gift they deserve a thank you. But there is no hard and fast rule for me as to how that thanks should be conveyed - once it's done that is the main thing.

SeekUp

I don't think it's ever too late to say thank you!


Everyone -- obviously! -- feels different in respect to Thank You cards. It's not a matter of whether or not the guests 'need' it; personally, I just think it's a nice way to acknowledge the gift and include a personal note. I haven't gotten them from some people, and I didn't think twice about it, but we made it a point to send everyone a Thank You card for their gift after our wedding.

As some posters have said, they are waiting/have waited for photos to include in their cards, and that's one thing. We made it a point to write the Thank You cards as we received the gifts, which made it easy not to get too overwhelmed.

People get a lot into the whole 'the guests did this for you' and 'the bride and groom did that for the guests' and who should expect what and this and that, and to be honest, I think it's all kind of petty. A Thank You card is just a nice gesture in response to someone doing something nice for you (buying you a gift), which they didn't have to do, and it takes a bit more effort than a verbal 'thank you' or a call or an email.

But if you don't want to send a card, then at least let them know you got the gift somehow.