Relationship making me a nervous wreck

LegacyUser

Hi all. So i met a girl while travelling last year and we really hit it off. Due to where we were both living afterwards there was no way we could meet. In July she moved to England and since then we've been seeing each other for at least 3 nights every 2 or 3 weeks. The plan is for me to move there sometime in 2011.
Anyway I'm finding it very hard to relax, and take it easy when it comes to the relationship. I'm constantly worried that she's going to meet someone else, that I'm not good enough, and have no self-confidence when it comes to her. I haven't fallen for someone like this in years, and I really want things to work out with her. She seems really keen, I make her laugh, sex is great, she told me I'm the best thing that's happened to her in years etc., but for some reason I'm cursed with this self-doubt when it comes to her. It's really unhealthy and I know eventually it will rub off on her and the relationship and could be the cause of it's demise. I have had about 3 serious relationships previous to this and cheated on all of them. I think I had that thing where I thought I hadn't been with enough women. Inexcuseable I know, but maybe this is why I can't trust her? I really have no interest in other women, and while most people would think that's good, it scares me as I feel she has total control over how I feel. I can't stop thinking about her, 24/7, it's driving me insane. She will be here on Friday, meeting my parents etc, but for e.g. tonight she's going out to some leaving do and then to a party. I didn't want to go out tonight but the only way I'll be able to stop tormenting myself with horrible thoughts is by drinking myself into a coma tonight.
How can I have more confidence? Why am I going insane? Is it the distance thing? I've never ever been like this with anyone before, usually I always felt like the one in control, but right now I feel pathetic, broken, etc.
Errrr HELP!
thanks for reading.

LegacyUser

anyone?

Neyite

You've fallen in love. Thats exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. It is scary because you realise how happy you are with this person, and you realise how much you stand to lose if it goes wrong, and the worst part about it is that there is not much you can do except trust. Its easy to love someone, but to trust them with your heart is a bigger commitment.

Gambling your heart on someone is scary, but you need to realise that you have to be pretty special as a person if someone that special is keen on you. why do we keep gambling our feelings on someone else where we have no control? because when it is right, it feels amazing.

LegacyUser

My guess is that you maybe feel you are in the position now that some of your ex girlfriends were in with you?
Maybe you knew your ex's were crazy about you and now you think you understand how they felt?
Maybe you felt your ex's werent looking around for other men but you were looking at other women, so you think, well if this time im the one whos *not* looking, maybe she is...?
Basically, Im pretty sure its due to your own cheating ways that you are worried it will happen to you.
You know (think, whatever) how easy it is to have a fling with someone else even though youre with someone else, and its this that scares you now that you feel *you* have something to lose... you are scared she will find it as easy as you did, or that she will find herself the same opportunities as you did.
Basically youve done it, so you can see it happening so easily.
Someone that hasnt cheated would never imagine it or expect it to happen to them, because its not how they would think, they just think "relationship-trust-loyalty" full stop.
Its all in your head, not real, and yes, showing a direct lack of trust can be damaging, but it wont be once you can see it for what it is and so let it go.
Youve made mistakes in the past right, but everyone deserves to forgive themselves and be a better person. And im sure you are a better person now.
Just realise why youre feeling these insecurities, its stemming from your own deeds not hers. Focus on that and calm yourself down.
DO NOT speak to her of your fears what ever you do, she will only think you are untrustworthy yourself which its clear youre not, with her.
Good luck

Virgil°

I'd say its definitely the fact that you have cheated in all of your previous long term relationships. You've come to expect the same behaviour of others when in relationships. You think that she could just cheat on or leave you at anytime because thats pretty much what you've done previously.
Being a bit of a dick here, this is pretty much all your own doing. You cheated on every girl that ever loved you, one of the most horrific things you can do to someone. And now that you have someone you love more than yourself or care about at all it seems, you feel powerless because this is the first person that can actually truly hurt you.
And truthfully speaking i'd like to imagine this is the price a cheater pays for the transgression(repeated in your case).

Putting on my helpful hat, i guess there are a few things that you can do. Realise that this girl is not you and that most people do not cheat or just leave a relationship they are happy in. Which it seems she is.
Fill your time away from her with something other than drink, anything other than drink.
Try your best to act as you normally do, shes with you over a year now and continues to visit you to sustain the relationship so you're obviously doing something right. Keep it up.
All the best.

petethebrick

Hey man,

I could have written this post myself. I've been with a wonderful girl for about 7 months now and have fallen in love ( I think). Like you, I was a dick in past relationships and always ended up cheating etc. Like you, I'm suffering from a bout of insecurity and lack of confidence with regard to my current relationship. I too am worried about the repercussions this could have for the relationship. My girlfriend has noticed it - the first few months we were together I was different, my old confident self....
I've found writing down my feelings to be a big help. It helps me to see how daft I'm being sometimes. It can also help to talk to a friend about it. And if it starts to affect your relationship with the girl then I guess being honest with her about would probably be best. It's a hard cover to shake at any rate. Just have to work at it, good luck mate!!!

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies guys this is great feedback. I think my subconscious is afraid and trying to protect me by preparing for the worst case scenario, so i'm constantly worried about how bad it will be when it all ends, when i should just be enjoying it for what it is at the moment. She was here last weekend and met my parents etc, we had such a good time, and there never seem to be any issues between us when we're in person. Since posting the OP I had a really bad night where I was anxious as hell as I thought airport would be closed due to snow and she wouldnt make it over, so i drank a lot and took sleeping pills. Bad stuff I know. Staying at home now for a while and my parents were concerned as I kind of went a bit nuts and was falling around the place, banged and cut my head etc. I told my gf everything the next day, which was the day she was coming over, and she was very worried about me and insisted I go see a doctor.
I went to see a hypnotherapist on Friday, because I really don't want these issues of mine to ruin everything, and they helped me relax and chill out and gave me some pointers about the subconscious mind and how it works etc.
I think I feel a bit better now but I just wish I could not worry all the time.