Best mate - should I just let the friendship go?

LegacyUser

I pop in here to give advice every so often and could do with some for my own situation if that's OK.

It's a long story but I'll summarise it as best I can.

About three months ago I moved to Canada on a one-year visa, all going well ever since - after a bit of a struggle I've managed to get great work in my field and am enjoying a good social life over here.

About a month ago my best mate - we'll call her Deirdre - from back home came to visit for a week. I was looking forward to seeing Deirdre as had been feeling a little homesick in the first few weeks over here and we always have fun together. However, knowing her as well as I do, I knew that she can be a bit of a difficult house guest, just generally tough to live with...she's extremely messy, a bit selfish in that she'll do her own thing without regard for those she's living with, wears your clothes, eats your food etc...grand, they're all small things and it was only a week so I wasn't too worried, but gave my flat mate (another close friend from home) a heads up nonetheless. I'll call my flatmate Louise.

It was a really tough week. As predicted Deirdre was messy, did her own thing, did silly things like used my flatmate's towel for showering, ate her food (these friends are from different circles so only met each other for the first time during this week), borrowed a 20 here and there on nights out from both of us without repaying and the last night she was here, brought a guy back to the house and slept with him in my bed, while I slept on the couch. I guess what made it a little more stressful was the fact that this was my first week in my new job, one which I got extremely lucky to land, so I was trying to juggle good nights' sleep and prep for that with keeping my friend entertained and all that entailed. Truth be told, I didn't really enjoy the week because I spent the whole time picking up after Deirdre, apologising to Louise and wondering what the hell the next disaster was going to be.

However I didn't mention any of these things to Deirdre, thought I was being pedantic and it wouldn't serve any purpose - this was a holiday for her after all. So we left on good terms and my friends/family at home told me she's been raving about her time over here since arriving home and already planning a trip back in the New Year.

A day after she left I had a chat with my flatmate Louise about her stay, and she told me that during one of the days she was here, while I was at work, they went shopping together. Louise liked Deirdre, she thought she was good craic despite being untidy and a bit all over the place. Predictably enough, as they only really had me in common at this stage, I was the main topic of conversation during their trip. Louise said that some things Deirdre said about me shocked her, as she was supposed to be my best friend and she said a few things Deirdre said seemed a bit unfair on me. Louise was honest with me and said she had been venting about me a bit too - complaining about how I could be tough to live with sometimes, how I could be selfish etc - but all of this is stuff she has already said to my face during our first few weeks here. Deirdre however, said that I am spoilt, have gotten away with a lot at home over the years, need to 'get over' some crap that has happened to me in the past, my parents were funding my entire trip here and I'm generally a jealous person who got really jealous over her relationship with her ex which ended recently.

This to me is shocking and upsetting as it's all completely untrue and I can't believe someone I'd consider a good mate could think these things about me. I moved out at eighteen and have been working ever since, right through college and in a full time job for three years after - I've been saving for two years to get over here and pride myself on my financial independence. I thought her ex was a pr1ck, treated her like dirt and she got disturbingly obsessed with him after the break up and became miserable - which apparently makes me jealous.

So this was a month ago and ever since I've been trying to get my head around all of this. This girl is an old friend, the oldest friend I have really, who I've known since I was ten years old and we have a lot of shared memories. We've had our ups and downs but she's been more like a sister to me over the years.

I felt I had to address all of this with her, as I felt I have lost a lot of respect for her since her trip and it wasn't right to not broach it with her and give her a chance to explain her side of the story.

All of this culminated in me sending a carefully worded email to her last night. I did my best not to attack or accuse, just to simply explain my feelings and stress that I value her as a friend.

This morning I woke up to discover two short emails and a text, where she basically denied saying anything and blamed Louise of twisting her words, and she's also blocked us both from facebook. I've been trying to call her all day but she's been ignoring my calls. She sent me a text an hour ago telling me to 'fcuk off, you're not worth it.'

I honestly don't know what to do. I felt I had broached this in the most sensitive way possible, although I know it can't have made for nice reading, but knowing Deirdre, I know that she's so stubborn she might just never talk to me again.

Half of me feels like a pedantic idiot for letting a few superficial non-issues come between our friendship, but a bigger part of me feels like these are issues I can't ignore - I feel betrayed by what she said about me and feel she showed a fundamental lack of respect by these words and her behaviours when she was over here.

I guess I'm just looking for an outside perspective here, because I don't even know if it's worth trying to repair the friendship at this rate, or if I even want to anymore. Has anyone been through something similar?

Sorry for the long post...!

TwoShedsJackson

This person does not sound like a friend, and sounds like she has issues as well.

Ask yourself what positive things are you getting from your friendship with her? If you feel it's little or nothing, I would cut contact with her.

seenitall

OP, you sound as a very nice, giving, forgiving person. It sounds like anyone should be delighted to have you as a friend.

Unfortunately in this life, nice and caring people tend to get walked all over by unscrupulous, selfish, uncaring, unsavoury characters, often masquerading as friends so as to take advantage to the utmost. This girl that you consider a friend sounds to me like one of those types exactly. She sounds spoilt, selfish, toxic.

OP, wake up and smell the roses, please. Anyone who would treat you like she did and have the hippo hide of getting offended and thow choice insults at you when you call her out on all that siht, isn't worth your attention, let alone your friendship.

I do hope that some living abroad will open your eyes a bit to the kind of thing that goes on when people don't set their boundaries, as you do sound somewhat sheltered and naive to some harsh realities of life.

Don't let a user use you any more. Have more know-how than that.

Best wishes.

Firetrap

She doesn't sound like a real friend at all to be honest. I'm wondering are you clinging on to the friendship because of the what you once had rather than looking at the person she is now? It's time to cut your losses and move on I think. Why would you even want to be friends with someone who's behaved/behaving in such a spiteful fashion?

lolli

Op, I know its hard when friendships end but in fairness this girl has showed nothing but disrespect for you.

You are living in Canada now, forget about her. You should focus on enjoying your new job, your new social life and head out and make new friends. Honestly you dont need people like that to drag you down.

Princess Peach

I lost my best friend recently. Long story but she did a bad thing to me, I told her straight after I was upset with what she did and didn't want to talk to her right away. Anyway that was a few months ago, and since then she has made no effort to apologise or even speak to me. I've been very civil about the situation. I haven't spoken to any of our mutual friends about it, I don't want to drag anyone else into this or have anyone take sides. She however has been talking about me, and she has been making plans with friends and specifically leaving me out of the invites.

But the break from her has been good, and it made me realise all the bad points about her. She is a very bitchy girl, and when I'm with her I do bitch about all our friends behind their backs, instead of sorting out problems face to face. There's other things that are bad too, no need for a long shpeel.

Think about what the good things are in your friendship. Are you a better person with her as a friend? I know its hard to let a friendship go when you have been friends for so long, but people change over the years and ye may not be as compatible as before. I had been friends with this girl since primary school, but we are different people now and knowing each other years isn't the key to a good friendship. I know its not to say, but I am a better person without her.

So only you can know if the friendship is worth salvaging. She has acted very dramatically and immature here, but if you think there is some good in you two being friends, you can make an effort to rebuild it.

Chinafoot

losingafriend wrote: »

This morning I woke up to discover two short emails and a text, where she basically denied saying anything and blamed Louise of twisting her words, and she's also blocked us both from facebook. I've been trying to call her all day but she's been ignoring my calls. She sent me a text an hour ago telling me to 'fcuk off, you're not worth it.'

I'm sorry but if this girl valued your friendship in any way this would not have been her reaction. It sounds like she's been caught rotten slagging you off and she's reacting like this because she knows she's been rumbled. "Fúck off, you're not worth it". Thats disgraceful behaviour from someone who is supposed not only be your friend, but a mature bloody adult.

My advice would be to let this girl go. She doesn't value or respect you or your friendship and you will be far, far better of without her. I cut off someone who was my so-called best friend in recent months. She was a toxic person who abused my friendship and it got to the point where I simply couldn't give any more.

Its not easy when you have been friends for so long but you need to think about yourself here, because you can be guaranteed she certainly isn't considering you.

LegacyUser

You feel betrayed.

"This to me is shocking and upsetting as it's all completely untrue and I can't believe someone I'd consider a good mate could think these things about me."

Sounds like she doesn't know you at all, doesn't it?

Maybe you felt the friendship was closer than it really was.

I'd agree that she's reacted so badly because she got caught out and has no way to defend herself. Give her time. She might come back to you. And you might want her back, but you'll see her with clearer eyes and take the friendship for what it is, not what you'd like it to be. And that's ok.

SparkyTech

losingafriend wrote: »

I pop in here to give advice every so often and could do with some for my own situation if that's OK.

It's a long story but I'll summarise it as best I can.

About three months ago I moved to Canada on a one-year visa, all going well ever since - after a bit of a struggle I've managed to get great work in my field and am enjoying a good social life over here.

About a month ago my best mate - we'll call her Deirdre - from back home came to visit for a week. I was looking forward to seeing Deirdre as had been feeling a little homesick in the first few weeks over here and we always have fun together. However, knowing her as well as I do, I knew that she can be a bit of a difficult house guest, just generally tough to live with...she's extremely messy, a bit selfish in that she'll do her own thing without regard for those she's living with, wears your clothes, eats your food etc...grand, they're all small things and it was only a week so I wasn't too worried, but gave my flat mate (another close friend from home) a heads up nonetheless. I'll call my flatmate Louise.

It was a really tough week. As predicted Deirdre was messy, did her own thing, did silly things like used my flatmate's towel for showering, ate her food (these friends are from different circles so only met each other for the first time during this week), borrowed a 20 here and there on nights out from both of us without repaying and the last night she was here, brought a guy back to the house and slept with him in my bed, while I slept on the couch. I guess what made it a little more stressful was the fact that this was my first week in my new job, one which I got extremely lucky to land, so I was trying to juggle good nights' sleep and prep for that with keeping my friend entertained and all that entailed. Truth be told, I didn't really enjoy the week because I spent the whole time picking up after Deirdre, apologising to Louise and wondering what the hell the next disaster was going to be.

However I didn't mention any of these things to Deirdre, thought I was being pedantic and it wouldn't serve any purpose - this was a holiday for her after all. So we left on good terms and my friends/family at home told me she's been raving about her time over here since arriving home and already planning a trip back in the New Year.

A day after she left I had a chat with my flatmate Louise about her stay, and she told me that during one of the days she was here, while I was at work, they went shopping together. Louise liked Deirdre, she thought she was good craic despite being untidy and a bit all over the place. Predictably enough, as they only really had me in common at this stage, I was the main topic of conversation during their trip. Louise said that some things Deirdre said about me shocked her, as she was supposed to be my best friend and she said a few things Deirdre said seemed a bit unfair on me. Louise was honest with me and said she had been venting about me a bit too - complaining about how I could be tough to live with sometimes, how I could be selfish etc - but all of this is stuff she has already said to my face during our first few weeks here. Deirdre however, said that I am spoilt, have gotten away with a lot at home over the years, need to 'get over' some crap that has happened to me in the past, my parents were funding my entire trip here and I'm generally a jealous person who got really jealous over her relationship with her ex which ended recently.

This to me is shocking and upsetting as it's all completely untrue and I can't believe someone I'd consider a good mate could think these things about me. I moved out at eighteen and have been working ever since, right through college and in a full time job for three years after - I've been saving for two years to get over here and pride myself on my financial independence. I thought her ex was a pr1ck, treated her like dirt and she got disturbingly obsessed with him after the break up and became miserable - which apparently makes me jealous.

So this was a month ago and ever since I've been trying to get my head around all of this. This girl is an old friend, the oldest friend I have really, who I've known since I was ten years old and we have a lot of shared memories. We've had our ups and downs but she's been more like a sister to me over the years.

I felt I had to address all of this with her, as I felt I have lost a lot of respect for her since her trip and it wasn't right to not broach it with her and give her a chance to explain her side of the story.

All of this culminated in me sending a carefully worded email to her last night. I did my best not to attack or accuse, just to simply explain my feelings and stress that I value her as a friend.

This morning I woke up to discover two short emails and a text, where she basically denied saying anything and blamed Louise of twisting her words, and she's also blocked us both from facebook. I've been trying to call her all day but she's been ignoring my calls. She sent me a text an hour ago telling me to 'fcuk off, you're not worth it.'

I honestly don't know what to do. I felt I had broached this in the most sensitive way possible, although I know it can't have made for nice reading, but knowing Deirdre, I know that she's so stubborn she might just never talk to me again.

Half of me feels like a pedantic idiot for letting a few superficial non-issues come between our friendship, but a bigger part of me feels like these are issues I can't ignore - I feel betrayed by what she said about me and feel she showed a fundamental lack of respect by these words and her behaviours when she was over here.

I guess I'm just looking for an outside perspective here, because I don't even know if it's worth trying to repair the friendship at this rate, or if I even want to anymore. Has anyone been through something similar?

Sorry for the long post...!

Hi OP

Ive been through a similar experience with a friend I envisaged treated me with the same respect and courtesy I showed to them. Unfortunately, he bitched about me to another person in my circle of friends. Not practulary nice things either, many of which were completely elaborate nasty cruel jibes. Needless to say I ended the friendship as when I confronted my ''friend'' his reaction was to go on the defensive and cut all contact.

Your friend sounds quite selfish and seemed to take advantage of your hospitality and kind personality when she spent the week with you. She expected you to wait on her hand and foot, without offering much back in return given she was aware of you starting your new job and all the stress that natrauly comes with it. Ranting about you to your flatmate, whom she barley knew, while on holidays over to see you AND living in your house is very petty and childish. Why would a true friend treat you like that? Furthermore, her reaction to you when you worded that carefully constructed email simply asking her for some clarification and outlining your position was to tell you to ''F off'' and sever all contact. That's not a very mature adult response!

Only you can decide if your lifelong friendship is worth the effort of trying to patch things up with her, but, if she is unwilling to compromise, accept some responsibility for her actions and meet you halfway, I fear her behavior may repeat itself and you will be faced with the same scenario again further down the line. I think you deserve better.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Guys so much thanks for the feedback and advice, it's a huge help.

I'm at the point where I don't know if I've overreacted to all that went on and indeed if maybe my flatmate got her wires crossed and took Deirdre up wrong when she was talking about me. Deep down I know that's bullsh1t - my flatmate is one of the most honest people I know and Deirdre loves to have a b1tch about people, it's her favourite hobby, why should I be surprised that I have now become the target.

The funny thing is if it was me posting advice on this thread I'd be the first to tell me to cop myself on...it's just a different situation when it becomes personal. I'm friends with this girl since I was ten years old and we've been through a lot together. We've always been polar opposites - she was the loud, boisterous one and I was the quiet and timid one and although we've both definitely changed over the years, she's been at times the only one who stuck by me through difficult times. I struggled with family issues and an eating disorder a few years ago and she was there for me continuously through that. We've travelled a lot together, spent entire summers together, been through break ups together and all the rest and I suppose I'm finding it hard to determine whether or not the friendship is worth salvaging. I feel as though I could see through this if she was only willing to meet me halfway, at least claim a bit of ownership on her actions....but that clearly isn't her intention - and that p1sses me off.

I also feel as though Deirdre is a really unhappy person at the moment and it's impacting on our friendship. She's definitely a girl with a issues - she's started and stopped a few college courses over the years and is not happy where she has ended up, she's 26 and still living at home - a source of eternal misery for her but something she gets relentlessly defensive about, her parents still foot all her bills and treat her like she's 16, she doesn't have many real friends to speak of besides me and she's so unhappy being single that she develops unhealthy obsessions with any guy she's dating. All of these issues have caused friction in our friendship over the past few years - I'll try to talk to her about maybe moving out of home now that she's making a salary and she snaps at me, I try to give advice on guys she's seeing and she takes offence, etc etc etc. I'm definitely not blame-less and if I'm honest I have to say I've had times over the years when I haven't prioritised the friendship. Before Canada I lived in Dublin and worked a crazy 60 hour job for three years so didn't make the effort I could have to come home to our hometown and see her as often as she would have liked, which I feel bad about.
She's had a load of issues with friends over the years and her blanket response has been to cut them out of her life - de friend them from facebook, delete their numbers and just delete them out of her life. She has zero tolerance for tension or discomfort or confrontation and it's always everyone else's fault. I'm just getting the feeling that our friendship is going to suffer a similar fate, simply because she can't handle any amount of criticism.

I feel a lot of sadness about this situation and a bit helpless seeing as I'm on a different continent and she won't answer her phone to me.

Anyway. It's good just to get it out and thanks to all of you for taking the time to offer advice and insight. I feel a bit better about the situation now.

Distorted

losingafriend wrote: »

It was a really tough week. As predicted Deirdre was messy, did her own thing, did silly things like used my flatmate's towel for showering, ate her food (these friends are from different circles so only met each other for the first time during this week), borrowed a 20 here and there on nights out from both of us without repaying and the last night she was here, brought a guy back to the house and slept with him in my bed, while I slept on the couch. I guess what made it a little more stressful was the fact that this was my first week in my new job, one which I got extremely lucky to land, so I was trying to juggle good nights' sleep and prep for that with keeping my friend entertained and all that entailed.

Deirdre however, said that I am spoilt, have gotten away with a lot at home over the years, need to 'get over' some crap that has happened to me in the past, my parents were funding my entire trip here and I'm generally a jealous person who got really jealous over her relationship with her ex which ended recently.

Um, does she have any good points? I think you've been a total doormat actually and you should google the subject "toxic friends", though the general gist is that you feel much better when you disassociate yourself from these types. On top of everything else, the girl steals. I refuse to believe that an adult of 26 visiting someone on holiday is incapable of knowing basic social niceities such as not stealing virtual strangers' food (or money for that matter!). Maybe if someone did actually point out to her how bad her behaviour is, she might improve a bit.

tinkerbell

losingafriend wrote: »

However, knowing her as well as I do, I knew that she can be a bit of a difficult house guest, just generally tough to live with...she's extremely messy, a bit selfish in that she'll do her own thing without regard for those she's living with, wears your clothes, eats your food etc

It was a really tough week. As predicted Deirdre was messy, did her own thing, did silly things like used my flatmate's towel for showering, ate her food (these friends are from different circles so only met each other for the first time during this week), borrowed a 20 here and there on nights out from both of us without repaying and the last night she was here, brought a guy back to the house and slept with him in my bed, while I slept on the couch. I guess what made it a little more stressful was the fact that this was my first week in my new job, one which I got extremely lucky to land, so I was trying to juggle good nights' sleep and prep for that with keeping my friend entertained and all that entailed. Truth be told, I didn't really enjoy the week because I spent the whole time picking up after Deirdre, apologising to Louise and wondering what the hell the next disaster was going to be.

Deirdre however, said that I am spoilt, have gotten away with a lot at home over the years, need to 'get over' some crap that has happened to me in the past, my parents were funding my entire trip here and I'm generally a jealous person who got really jealous over her relationship with her ex which ended recently.

OP - you need to drop her as a friend.

First of all, you say she's a difficult house guest. There is NO excuse for anyone to be a difficult house guest. You are providing accommodation for her free of charge, she should not be treating you like you are a hotel.

I cannot believe that she used your flatmate's towel for showering (your friend is totally disgusting, that is absolutely vile), and then kicks you out of your bed so she can have a one night stand? I mean FFS, she is a completely selfish cow, she thinks of nobody but herself. I actually would never have put her up in the first place since you knew that she was a difficult house guest. But in your situation since you did, I would've kicked her out after one day after her behaviour.

She then talks crap about you to your flatmate and is a total cow to you when you confront her.

Regardless of your history together - she is not worth the hassle anymore. You have a new life now over in Canada, drop her. You don't need her. And for goodness sake, if you do make up with her, do not allow her to stay with you again - tell her she can check into a hotel.

Fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice, shame on me, n all that. Don't let it happen again. Start sticking up for yourself. Being timid will get you nowhere.

chicken fingers

losingafriend wrote: »

Deep down I know that's bullsh1t - my flatmate is one of the most honest people I know and Deirdre loves to have a b1tch about people, it's her favourite hobby, why should I be surprised that I have now become the target.

The funny thing is if it was me posting advice on this thread I'd be the first to tell me to cop myself on...it's just a different situation when it becomes personal. I'm friends with this girl since I was ten years old and we've been through a lot together. We've always been polar opposites - she was the loud, boisterous one and I was the quiet and timid one and although we've both definitely changed over the years, she's been at times the only one who stuck by me through difficult times. I struggled with family issues and an eating disorder a few years ago and she was there for me continuously through that. We've travelled a lot together, spent entire summers together, been through break ups together and all the rest and I suppose I'm finding it hard to determine whether or not the friendship is worth salvaging. I feel as though I could see through this if she was only willing to meet me halfway, at least claim a bit of ownership on her actions....but that clearly isn't her intention - and that p1sses me off.

I also feel as though Deirdre is a really unhappy person at the moment and it's impacting on our friendship. She's definitely a girl with a issues - she's started and stopped a few college courses over the years and is not happy where she has ended up, she's 26 and still living at home - a source of eternal misery for her but something she gets relentlessly defensive about, her parents still foot all her bills and treat her like she's 16, she doesn't have many real friends to speak of besides me and she's so unhappy being single that she develops unhealthy obsessions with any guy she's dating. All of these issues have caused friction in our friendship over the past few years - I'll try to talk to her about maybe moving out of home now that she's making a salary and she snaps at me, I try to give advice on guys she's seeing and she takes offence, etc etc etc. I'm definitely not blame-less and if I'm honest I have to say I've had times over the years when I haven't prioritised the friendship. Before Canada I lived in Dublin and worked a crazy 60 hour job for three years so didn't make the effort I could have to come home to our hometown and see her as often as she would have liked, which I feel bad about.
She's had a load of issues with friends over the years and her blanket response has been to cut them out of her life - de friend them from facebook, delete their numbers and just delete them out of her life. She has zero tolerance for tension or discomfort or confrontation and it's always everyone else's fault. I'm just getting the feeling that our friendship is going to suffer a similar fate, simply because she can't handle any amount of criticism.

I feel a lot of sadness about this situation and a bit helpless seeing as I'm on a different continent and she won't answer her phone to me.

Anyway. It's good just to get it out and thanks to all of you for taking the time to offer advice and insight. I feel a bit better about the situation now.

So you are upset because she was bitching about you to your room mate.
I emboldened the parts of the post where it could be construed that you are bitching at her.

she can't handle any amount of criticism.
Wasn´t the problem that you couldn´t handle her criticism of you?