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Possible Depression

  • 26-11-2010 8:53pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Regular Boardsie here, never thought it would come to writing here in personal issues but here goes......

    Where to begin ? Well I'm a 21 year old male, in my final year of an undergraduate degree.

    I think at the moment I'm suffering from some form of depression.

    I think I've always suffered from it at some level, but the events of the past few weeks have just pushed me over the edge and made me realise that I am in some trouble mentally.

    I have never had much self confidence, and this was evident throughout my teens, when I came to college things got better for me with respect to confidence, but there is no doubt it was always an issue of mine and it was always present at some level to this very day.

    I guess what put me over the edge was my recent break up with my girlfriend, we starting going out around October 2009, we dated for a few weeks before that and we came to the decision that we would make it official at the beginning of October. The thing is, I was studying abroad for 6 months in Australia which was to begin in February 2010 and I would be home around the end of July. We both knew this fact but we still wanted to go out with each other because we felt it was the right thing to do and we felt so strongly for each other. Anyway time came to make a decision of what was going to happen when I had to study abroad, we mutually decided that we would break up, and possible see what would happen when I would return home.
    She told me not to contact her for the first month, I failed at that, i missed her so much I emailed her after 2 weeks, she got really angry at this because she said I wasnt making it any easier for her, she told me not to contact her again. I was finding it tough, in a new country, not many friends and college material over there was getting me down. After a month or so after that, things improved, I made a really tight group of friends and I was having the time of my life.
    Now this is where things become relevant, I had a one night stand over there and I began to develop feelings for another girl over there. Eventually, these feelings faded, it was honestly just a temporary thing which would resemble something you would go through as a teenager, nothing ever happened with her anyway. For the final three months of my time abroad, the ex gf emailed me and we skyped and emailed each other constantly for the final three months. We were both so excited to see each other again, she was waiting for me at the airport when I came home, she asked me did anything happen in Australia, and I told her I had a one night stand, but I left out the thing about developing feelings for a girl as I thought it was irrelavant at the time.

    So anyway, she found it really difficult about the fact that I slept with someone (even though we were broken up). She made out with three guys in the one night at some night club while she went interrailing, I was obviously a little bit bothered about this but I got over it. However we said we would give it another shot because we both loved each other.

    She broke up with me last month, we had an argument over the phone. I must mention that I was told that she read through my skype and facebook history because she didnt trust me. I told her this in the heat of the moment of the argument and she then quizzed me about the girl I had feelings for, I told her the truth, that it was only temporary. She dumped me because she said she can't trust me anymore and that I have lied too much to her.

    I was numb about it for the first 2 weeks, however at the beginning of this week, I told her in an email about how much I care for her and tried to explain myself again about everything that happened. She didn't care, she told me how would I like it if she went abroad and slept with someone and developed feelings for someone else, obviously I would be hurt but I would of gotten over it and forgiven her because we were not a couple at the time, and that irrespective of those feelings she would of developed, I would of been heartened about the fact that she still loves me and wants to re continue the relationship.

    She rang me to meet up during the week. We talked face to face for about 2 hours. I pretty much begged her to take me back, but still the same, she said we are damaged goods and that she would never of been able to forgive me for what I have done. She said she does love me but that it just isnt enough, that the things I did abroad would always be in her mind and that she would constantly resent me. We shared a kiss for about ten minutes, i can honestly say that it was one of the most happiest and romantic moments of my life. I think it was a goodbye sort of thing.

    Anyway, I just can't get her out of my mind, all I want is to be with her, and I just want to make her realise that those things abroad mean absolutely nothing, but she just won't understand. I love her so much, she is the woman for me, and the feeling that she doesn't want me is just indescribable, i just want the world to swallow me up. She says she is actually happy now, and that she wasn't happy during our second stint at our relationship, its absolutely heartbreaking, and I cant get over it. Everything reminds me of her......ugh.....I just can't deal with it, it's driving me insane.

    So basically that is what has put me over the edge.

    Other things which have brought me to where I am today are the fact that I have no idea what I want to do after I finish University, there are absolutely no job prospects for me, in this country anyway. I can't deal with my workload, i have absolutely no motivation to do it anymore. I have gotten some extensions on things because of these problems I'm having but I still don't have the drive or motivation to do it.

    All my close friends seem to be getting on with their lives, good job prospects, steady relationships, I just feel absolutely hopeless.

    My father lives at home on his own (different city), I'm pretty sure he is developing into an alcoholic and I'm just so worried about him because I love him so much and he has done so much for me, and I know he is unhappy, he deserves happiness too ( my mum past away of cancer 13 years ago) .

    My older brother who I know would make me feel better and my father too, is on the other side of the world and he has his own issues to deal with ( he recently became a father).


    I guess this is a cry for help, I just don't know what to do anymore, it's strange, my moods are just so up and down, one moment I'm thinking to myself that I'm able to deal with it, then a split second later everything seems hopeless and I just want it to all go away.

    I have booked counselling in my university but they wont be able to see me for another 2 weeks at least because they are so busy at this time of year.....

    I just don't know what to do and I don't know how to deal or cure the way I'm feeling right now, I'm not even sure what I'm expecting from writing this here.....

    Anyway, thanks for reading and I apologise for such a long post and the fact that it is all over place.

    Thank you.


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