Have a girlfriend but thinking about another....

LegacyUser

I'm a bit confused at the moment. I've been going out with a great woman for just over 4 years. Things are good between us; we don't argue, we enjoy each others company and we love each other, I think...

My problem started recently. I met another woman who I've completely fallen for. I have to point out that I don't know her very well, but I cannot stop thinking about her (trust me, I've tried). As for whether the feeling is mutual, I don't know - I've a feeling it might be, but that is just a gut feeling.

Just to put it out there, I'd never cheat on my girlfriend. I have started thinking that if something were to happen with this new attraction, that I would leave my girlfriend for her. I feel like a total jerk for thinking along these lines, but I find that I just can't help it. I know it'd ruin my girlfriend and a break-up would come straight out of the blue.

Now as I said, nothing has happened with this girl. My issue is this: now that I've fallen for someone else, maybe I don't love my girlfriend as much as I thought I did. I'm at a total loss at what I should do. Should I do nothing and keep going as I have been? Should I be seriously considering my current relationship? On one hand I'm thinking that I'd be a fool to leave my girlfriend for another woman with whom a relationship might never work with. Then again, I'm thinking about the "what if?" aspect.

Anyone been in a similar situation before?

Nevyn

Infatuation and attraction to another when in a relationship is normal.
If it's getting to the stage were you are considering breaking up with your parter then it's time to take a look at the relationship you are in and why it's not meeting your needs or living up to your expectations and what you can do about it.

LighterGuy

Confused54321 wrote: »

....Anyone been in a similar situation before?....

Billions of people.
Why do you think relationships just end out of no where or certain people cheat.

LegacyUser

OP is it just that this new woman offers a new realm of excitement compared to your relatively stale sounding relationship or do your feelings for her run deeper than that?

If you're only staying in your current relationship for fear another wouldn't work then you need to ask yourself if you're condemning yourself to a lifetime of second best, which isn't fair to you or your unsuspecting girlfriend.

You say you don't know this other woman so well so what's so special about her that she's caused you to question a four year relationship? Or is she just an excuse for you to leave rather than acknowledge the fact that you might not even love your girlfriend -because after four years, the answer to that should be pretty obvious.

So basically, are you enticed by a prospective fling or the possibility of having this woman fulfill all the things that your current relationship isn't?

LegacyUser

Hey, OP again.

Thanks for all the input folks. While I understand that attraction to another person is only normal, I have to say that in my 4 year relationship I've never felt such an attraction to anyone else before. What has me confused is that I can't see anything necessarily "wrong" or "missing" from my current relationship. The only thing I could possibly think of was the excitement you get from a new relationship, but I don't think that is what attracts me to this other woman.

CanRelate, you mention the fear of entering another relationship that could potentially fail. That isn't something that has even crossed my mind and to be honest, it's not something that I'd worry about. I don't think I'm looking for an excuse to break up with my girlfriend - these feelings only came up when I got to know this other woman. So, I'd answer no to both of your questions.

I'm not sure where this situation is leading me and in that case I'm slightly worried. I don't want to hurt my girlfriend, but I can't help these other feelings that have risen.

antiskeptic

confused wrote:

I don't want to hurt my girlfriend, but I can't help these other feelings that have risen

In actual fact you can. You cut off all exposure to this other woman and in no time at all you'll be right as rain. It's a question of choice.

It's normal to be attracted to women. It's also normal to fall in love with women (which is what you've done). And there is no particular reason why you should cease to find women attractive just because you're in a relationship. Nor is there a reason why you couldn't fall in love with another woman whilst in a relationship - if you permit that to occur.

The question for everyone who is engaged in relationship is "what are you going to do in response to the inevitable attractions that will come down the tracks: entertain them or close them down?" It's that kind of choice that enters relationships once the intitial buzz has worn off and life settles down into the more humdrum.

It is normal thing to decide at some point whether the relationship you are in is one that has the the potential to become a long lasting, loving one (if that is what you are looking for). Or whether it hasn't. If it hasn't/isn't then you should seek an exit from it. You cannot possibly answer this question whilst your are effectively driving drunk., when your senses are giving you completely distorted information. No, in order to do justice to the question you must close down this new thing until it dies for want of oxygen. Then, when you're 'sober' again, give the question of your relationship with your current girlfriend a proper hearing. If deciding then to get out, you need not fear not falling in love again - there are lots of women out there attractive enough to fall in love with.


The alternative is to try to compare steady, humdrum apple (your relationship now) with a dazzling, exciting pear (this new lady). That's not a choice, that's a forgone conclusion. And if you chose for the pear, then in a year or two (at most) you'll be back where you started: in a humdrum situation. Because as sure as night follows day, the excitement and dazzle now will wear off.

There is no guarantee that that situation then will have any of the ingredients for potential life partnership that the current seems to have (I'm surmising from the duration of the current relationship).

-

It's not surprising that people drawn to a product by dazzling packaging. That's what dazzling packaging is designed to do - in nature as in everywhere else. The question is whether it's worth trading in a perfectly good model (if it is perfectly good) just because some other dazzling packaging comes along (which may or may not contain perfectly good goods).