swapped rich boyfriend for poor - parents wont accept

LegacyUser

I was with a guy for a year and we broke up nearly three years ago now. He was a lawyer and had rich parents, a big house and a good lifestyle in a nice part of Dublin. He was also a lovely guy, and very good to me, but in the end we broke up, as people do. It was my decision, because at the time I was going travelling, and for other reasons no fault of his. It was tough for him because he took things seriously and wanted to get married some day. I fell for someone else that I met while I was abroad, and we've been together now for 2 years. He has no college education, is not Irish, has absolutely no money, but we are in love and have a great time together. We're planning to both move to London next year, but I don't know what kind of job he can get realistically. I feel like we will be happy together, but broke. My mother won't accept him. She keeps saying how I've thrown my chance of a decent life away with my ex...that I had every chance of, basically, moving up in the world. My family is poor, my dad has just lost his job and I have no siblings. I have an ok job. I know this is totally crazy but I feel guilty all the time, like as if I'm making a stupid decision. But I couldn't go back with my ex for this reason anyway of course, even if I wanted to. I know he might be interested as he calls me sometimes but I would be doing it for the wrong reasons and could never do that. My mother says I will look back and regret everything when I am older and wiser and realise that love doesnt pay bills. I'm 31!
From an objective point of view, what should I do? Keep convincing my mother that I am doing the right thing even though I'm not sure myself? How can women make these important choices? It's not easy. Sometimes when my bf and I argue this stuff runs through my head...I'm frustrated.

Glowing

I really sympathise with you. You need to however stop listening to your parents, and start listening to yourself a bit more.

Your mother is right in that love doesn't pay bills, but money doesn't make a happy relationship either! Your mother might change her attitude when she gets to know your new fella a bit more.

Not sure what else to say, I'm sure the reasons you split with the Lawyer are still there, so unless you think you might still love him, put those ideas out of your head!

Best of luck

Distorted

Well, the ex is an ex so there is no point in your mother harking back to him. It is true, as the above poster said, that love does not pay the bills, and a high proportion of relationship break-ups are down to financial problems. But you are hardly at this stage yet! Can you not say to your mother that you are proud not to be a golddigger and don't judge people on their income?

That said, I know where your mother is coming from partly. I've always myself not found men who don't earn as much as me or who are not ambitious or clever attractive. But maybe you feel more comfortable with your guy because he is similar to you in outlook and values, and thats what draws you more to him than to the lawyer anyway?

RacoonQueen

Money does not matter. The only thing that is important is that you are with someone you love and who loves you. Someone who treats you well and will do their best to make the life you share with them as good as possible. Once you're happy and he treats you well, that is all that matters. Feck anything else. So what if you don't get a holiday every year, have two cars or a swanky house.

Don't let your mother dictate your lovelife. Fair enough she doesn't want you to have to struggle your whole life like maybe she has had to, but, I'm sure she'd rather see you happy with little money than unhappy with a lot of it!

It does sounds a bit like you're doubting your relationship. Is this because of the views your mum has expressed or do they come from you? Spending the rest of your life with someone shouldn't really be a difficult decision if they're the right person for you IMO.

bronte

Honestly? I'd keep my relationship private and entirely separate from my parents if that was happening to me. No offence to your mother, but how would she feel if you "refused to accept" a friend of hers because they didn't make enough money? It's your life...you don't have to put up with this.
If you guys are planning on moving to London in the future, it will be even easier to get a bit of space from it all. I know I'd be furious with my mother if she was disrespectful to a partner. She's either happy for you or she isn't.
I'd also seriously question her views on Love and relationships, because they're a bit worrying.

Moomoo1

sure, love doesn't pay the bills. But then money doesn't buy you love either.

cafecolour

"Thanks Mom, I'm glad your ambition for me is essentially to be a well-paid prostitute."

or

"I think he's still single if you want me to pass him your number."

Zen65

cafecolour wrote: »

"Thanks Mom, I'm glad your ambition for me is essentially to be a well-paid prostitute."

Whoa, let's be fair the mother made no such suggestion. OP was happy with her ex and had no issues with the relationship (in her post, at least). She left him to travel and experience the world.

From the mother's point of view she sees the difficulties which her daughter will now more likely face as a result of choosing an unemployed man as her partner. Despite the cynicism of some posters here, the reality of life is that your wants and needs change over time, and in the longer run financial stability is a huge asset to a relationship (far more important in the longer term than a six-pack of abs). In the current economic climate I see relationships break up regularly in part due to the financial strain on couples.

Every good parent wants their children to be happy in their lives. OP's mother is trying to get her daughter to at least consider what her longer-term life ambitions may be. She's wasting her time, no doubt, because this is a matter of love and there's little room right now for logic. Logic is what you apply after a relationship gets into trouble.

So OP, don't be harsh with your mother, she surely means well. She is from a time when it was not normal to expect a non-national as a son-in-law (maybe there's a language issue?) and she has genuine concerns about your financial security in the future. You need to convince her that you know what you're doing, that you are prepared for future hardships, and that your decision to go abroad is not simply based on your choice of partner. She would invariably feel more secure and happy herself to have you remain in Ireland; perhaps that seems selfish but it is very natural. She faces a financial hardship herself right now, and with your departure she knows that she won't be able to turn to you for support.

Every parent becomes a burden at some stage, it is our right . With patience on both sides you can remain friends with her, and she will come to accept your decision as being what you want.


Be at peace,

Z

LittleBook

What Zen said.

It could have as much to do with the difference between the boyfriend that would have kept you near her and the boyfriend who appears to her to be taking you away from her.

But it's your life, you should live it as you want, no question.

The only thing that worries me is this:

convincing my mother that I am doing the right thing even though I'm not sure myself?

Do you mean you're not sure because of her lack of support or have you doubts beside that issue?

Chuchoter

The parents thing just give them time.

However, I would be very,very careful with this guy who is not Irish and has no money. My cousin went out with a guy from a poor country for ages, they were totally in love. She had education and lots of money compared to him. He took so much of her money. He never had any money/job and she paid for everything. Then they went on holidays (on her money) and he told her at the end of the holiday that he had been cheating on her with some other girl and he was leaving her for this new girl. He took her for everything she was worth, women are not the only people who can be gold-diggers.

I am not saying this will happen to you, but make sure he gets a job and starts pulling his weight.

Moomoo1

crayolastereo wrote: »

I am not saying this will happen to you, but make sure he gets a job and starts pulling his weight.

how can she 'make sure' in the current climate?

not all people who are unemployed are lazy, despite what the Establishment wants you to think...

Chuchoter

Moomoo1 wrote: »

how can she 'make sure' in the current climate?

not all people who are unemployed are lazy, despite what the Establishment wants you to think...

As in not be lazing around on the couch all day not looking for a job. I come from a family with a lot of unemployment, I am well aware they are not all lazy. But if you have no education and this lovely Irish girl is paying your way, what incentive is there to work?

I am a friend

I would have more concern about his lack of motivation to educate himself while he has the time ie. is unemployed... If he is long, long term unemplyed he will struggle to get employment going forward especially while so many people are upskilling while being unemployed...

I can see your Mothers point about the new guy but not about the ex. We forget that a lot of our parents married for more practical reasons than 'i love him' and she also has probably been through hard times herself and doesnt want you to see the same...

You need to decide if his lack of ambition / motivation / education will grate on you going forward especially when you are living abroad with him and if you want to get married / have kids.

MagicSean

Unfortunately op, money does matter. You say that stuff runs through your head when you argue. So you have to decide wether you are ok being the only earner in the relationship. Despite what romantics might say you need more than love for a lasting relationship. Think of the future. What will he bring to your life together? Can he take care of a house? Can he take care if children?

LegacyUser

I could have written that post myself.
I think the most important issue here right now is not your mother, is you.

How to decide whether this is a good relationship for you?

I have been with my boyfriend for one year now (same story, I was with a rich bf before, broke up, now I'm w a new one, no college education, no money, intercultural relationship etc) and in the beginning I really thought I could make it work out.

Now I have doubts.

I think you should consider several things:

- Is he without money now (due to unemployment etc) or is it a chronic condition due to his lack of ambition and commitment? Can you live with the so very basic, or would you like to have a comfortable home and travel often? Are you going to get frustrated when you cannot attend festivals, go for short holidays or do some interesting course with him because he can't pay for his share?

- Not having a college education, in case you do have one, might be a problem sometimes. I'm not saying one is better than the other, but you might be secretly judgemental of each other. You might get frustrated because he doesn't like to watch the same films/talk about the same things and go out with the same type of people as you do. He might think you are sheltered/spoiled and you have no idea of what the "real world" is like out there, because you have been to "school".

- If your dream is to live abroad for a while, is he willing and is he able to adapt to a new culture? Is he excited about seeing a new culture, learning a new language, etc? Could you adapt to his home country, if that came up in the future?

- What are your cultural values on family/ roles of women and men / children / money etc? That can change so much from one country to another!

I'm facing all the questions above now, so I can't offer you many suggestions…

Best of luck!

Drodan

I am so sick of hearing people think that a college degree, or money etc is the key ingredient for happiness. If you love the guy then off you go.

WindSock

You say you come from a poor family. Well ask your mam why she stuck with your dad then if wealth is the key ingredient. And ask her if a rich man came along, would she leave her family for him.