Should I stay or Should I go?

LegacyUser

I recently moved to London wit my long term Boyfriend (8 years). We moved for a few reasons but mainly because he got a really good job opportunity that he definitely wouldn't get a home. To be honest I was happy to finally move out, get out of our small home town and explore. And also, career wise, I'm in the best city in the world to persue my career.
So we moved, found a great, reasonable apartment and himself started his job. I on the other hand couldn't find a job immeditately so hung around the house, applying for jobs and generally spending money I didn't have. Roll on a month and a bit later and I get a lucky break and land a really good job but the money is not so good, but the things we do for experience and great jobs.
But basically I'm nearly 2 months behind on everything. I have a loan, credit card and overdraft at home that I was paying off but fell behind because of this time off, my boyfriend had to pay for everything, I mean everything, so god knows how much I owe him, we've bills coming in shortly and Christmas is approaching quickly. I just feel everything is about money. I can't do anything, its just money money money. And I'm completely panicing about my loans etc.

I'm beginning to wonder if I should just move home where I can/could afford to do things. I left a 'not-so-great-job' but good money at home. I could afford to buy a new dress for the Christmas party, I could go out to lunch, I paid my bills.....

Himself is happy. He's okay not having new things, going out etc

The money issues are really getting me down and I really don't like the unsettling feelings I have living here, the worlds most expensive city.

Or am I just being materialistic?

The money issue is putting a big strain on our relationship, I'm constantly cranky and upset and worried. We're really going to struggle over the next few months. He thinks we'll manage, but he doesn't take my loan repayments into this. I don't know if we'll, well me at least, get by.

I don't know if anyone can offer advice, unless anyone wants to offer me a significant amount of cash
I really need to get this off my chest.

My gut feeling is Go Home

Thanks for reading folks

Villette

I'm writing this not to judge but to hopefully help as I share a somewhat similar experience. For starters I wouldn't call you materialistic, money causes stress for everyone.
I feel that I wasted a great opportunity, becuase I was persuaded (by myself that is!) to take the easy route because a)money - yes, it's cheaper to live at home b)homesickness - I really missed family and friends and well familiarity. I really regret it now especially as it was short-term and I should have enjoyed the opportunity while it was happening, instead of basically ruining it.
I think it sounds like madness to go home for the reasons you have given - the money situation can be dealt with. There are options to help manage debts and your boyfriend sounds more than willing to help. Yes it means austerity in the shorterm but that would be okay if you think that London is worth it for the longterm.
-your job in London sounds like it's better in the longrun and can you be sure you'll get a job if you return home?
-you may have to consider breaking up with your boyfriend as it sounds like a bit much to ask him to give up such an opportunity for no sound reason.
However, if your gut is saying go home that maybe you should examine the feeling more. Are there other reasons?

LegacyUser

OP AGAIN

Thanks for your reply, its nice to hear from someone with experience

There are no other reasons to go home other than the money issue. I know its completely selfish but I'd go home alone, so as not to ruin my boyfriends career. It would merely be to get my financial footing again. Your post hit a nerve - in a good sense as you mentioned the short term aspect. I know this money issue is short term really, until I have a regular income, can assess bills etc. But the Irish debt really gets to me. I can't believe how stupid I was taking the money so freely without thinking of the consequences. I've had calls from the bank, well my family have, as I'm not there to take them, chasing payment. I find myself hyperventilating when I hear 'so&so bank has called'.

My boyfriend is amazing, but he's not prepared to pay for my stupidity nor do I expect him too. He's really had to put up with a lot in the last year. To he honest, I'm not in the slightest bit home sick, my only reason for going home is the financial aspect. And your right, I might not find a job at home easily, but I think I'd get my old one back and be miserable.

I just don't know how I'll survive, I don't know how people do it. I know I'll never get a mortgage in Ireland because of my missed payments, and I get upset when reading about people losing everything because of bank loans.

I'd love to turn back the block and tell the bank 'no I don't want a loan or credit card'

StillWaters

If you move home you are still going to be two months behind in your payments.

London might be one of the most expensive cities, but it also offers amazing things to do for free or on a budget, some of the best thrift shops and markets in the world.

I think there is more to this than money. Emigrating can be hugely traumatic for some people, liberating for others.

cafecolour

I racked up 15,000 dollars in credit cards debts when I was young and very, very stupid. I paid it back over three and a half years, working and living in a very expensive city (San Francisco). It wasn't fun, but I budgeted, and lived cheaply. You certainly can.

I think your gut feeling 'says go home' because you are stressed and in a (slightly) strange place, and that is where you are comfortable. If you go home, you will be bored, unhappy, away from your boyfriend, and still in debt.

Make out an actually budget, instead of being overwhelmed and panicking. Talk to your loan/cc people and see if you can come up with a longer repayment schedule. Get a 2nd part time job if you need to.

And as the poster above says, take some time to see all that London has to offer on the cheap (the parks, the museums (mostly all free - the British Museum alone you can spend days in)). Go jogging outside instead of joining a gym.

It takes some work and some sacrifice, but once you have a plan and make the adjustment, it's a lot less stress, and you'll be fine.

LegacyUser

I lived in London with a bank loan at home. Felt very stretched at the time and under pressure.

Talk to your bank and work out a plan with them - you'd be surprised how they can be if you tell them it's either work out a plan or they might not get anything. Work it out as a bigger loan without the credit card / overdraft interest. Someone else can give you better financial advice but it's the place to start.

My gf at the time also gave me a small help out and to be honest, if it's a matter of your bf helping you out for a while and you staying, rather than leaving you to deal with it and you moving home then, well, I think he should help you out.

Remember, you are there helping him with his career.

Sit him down, show him your finances, how you're dealing with it and see how you both are going to deal with it.

Fox McCloud

I think you need to have a sit down with your boyfriend and explain why your so worried about money. You both need to be on the same page, and him saying it's all grand is nice but not solid reassurance for you. Set out a budget together, with the bank loans included in it. Even if you cant afford the bank repayment one month, call them and explain before they call you. It will make you feel in control and they're likely to apprieciate being contected by you.

I know its hard to go back to having very little money, especially starting in a new place having the extra bit to spend makes things soo much easier. It can be done though, you just need to get your head in the right place. Make being frugal a fun challenge, you can get alot for little these days in shops like tesco, search second hand shops for the christmas party dress(I'd imagine London is great for this!). Forget about a material christmas this year, dont worry about presents and focus on a nice time spent eating nice food and watching old films. Get people small presents, put a limit of what you can afford on each present and tell people so they can do the same with yours.

Remember this is only temporary. You could get a bar job one or two nights a week to supplement your income, untill you get on top of repayments. I wouldnt go home quite yet

dan_d

Ring your bank and speak to them.

To be honest stay where you are. You both have jobs.Right now, things aren't good here, no exaggeration.

You're better off to stay where you are, with an income, and deal with your debts head on. Ring them. Please.

Sleepy

Agree with the posters saying stay where you are OP.

Your old job is most likely no longer here, every taxpayer in Ireland will be paying an extra 2k or so in taxes next year and you'll still be in debt.

Make out a budget, if your income can't match the essentials and a little bit more, contact your bank, reschedule your debt, get a loan to cover your current loan and credit cards and pay it off over however long it takes. If your o/h has more than you, let him know that you have to live off your own budget. If he wants to treat you to some of the things you can't afford occasionally that's great but let him know that you don't expect it and there's plenty of ways to spoil someone that don't involve money: from making him tea in the morning to cooking his favourite meals to serving yourself up as dessert!

TOOYOUNGTODIE

Are your debts in Ireland? Do your creditors know where you are now.
You could default on the loans, and if you felt inclined when your finances have been organised start paying them back.
Thousands of people have left the country with bills behind them. Its not correct and is immoral but if you feel all the stress is too much you can do this. The creditors cant sue you as they dont have a correct address, dont get anyone to sign for reg post at your last address. They have 6 years from date of default to bring legal action, once you make a repayment of any kind this 6 years starts again.

This is not the best option nor is this sound advice but it is an option none the less. Stuff like this has our country the way it is. If you could live with yourself it would be better than leaving what you have in London.

LegacyUser

Thanks ladies and gents, your advice is really nice and reassuring. I know I'm not the only person in the world with debts, so its nice you are all being so nice and considerate.

You all make very valid points, and I think you've given me the reassurance I've needed. Home is not what it used to be, so I guess my dream of going home and being better off is just a dream now.

I think I'll stick it out here, for now anyway. Going to get onto my bank this week, though I have a nerve wrecking feeling they'll tell me to p*ss off and pay them asap. Has anyone experience with speaking to banks about repayments etc?

I love London, I really do, I think I've found somewhere I could settle for good.
Honestly, it is just a money issue, (I don't know why I feel I have to justify this to above poster) I am very happy here otherwise. I have found it very liberating. You couldn't force me home for any other reason.

I'm very grateful for your responses, Its made me feel a lot better, to a certain extend, I'm still worried sick about my cash flow, but I'll work on it, I hope the bank are forgiving.... I think I just needed our impartial advice....

As for Credit defaulting, no way. I could never do that or live with myself doing that. Even i its 6 years, I just couldn't do that. I'm holding enough guilt borrowing in the first place. But thanks anyway, I know where you're coming from.

Thank you all. Slight sigh of relief for now..... And off to buy a lotto ticket - I'll look after you all if I win

Floppybits

Unsure Girl wrote: »

Thanks ladies and gents, your advice is really nice and reassuring. I know I'm not the only person in the world with debts, so its nice you are all being so nice and considerate.

You all make very valid points, and I think you've given me the reassurance I've needed. Home is not what it used to be, so I guess my dream of going home and being better off is just a dream now.

I think I'll stick it out here, for now anyway. Going to get onto my bank this week, though I have a nerve wrecking feeling they'll tell me to p*ss off and pay them asap. Has anyone experience with speaking to banks about repayments etc?

I love London, I really do, I think I've found somewhere I could settle for good.
Honestly, it is just a money issue, (I don't know why I feel I have to justify this to above poster) I am very happy here otherwise. I have found it very liberating. You couldn't force me home for any other reason.

I'm very grateful for your responses, Its made me feel a lot better, to a certain extend, I'm still worried sick about my cash flow, but I'll work on it, I hope the bank are forgiving.... I think I just needed our impartial advice....

As for Credit defaulting, no way. I could never do that or live with myself doing that. Even i its 6 years, I just couldn't do that. I'm holding enough guilt borrowing in the first place. But thanks anyway, I know where you're coming from.

Thank you all. Slight sigh of relief for now..... And off to buy a lotto ticket - I'll look after you all if I win

OP, if you are planning on staying in London for awhile would it not be possible to get a loan over there to pay off things in Ireland? You maybe able to get the loan over a period where it wouldn't leave you too short each month.

A few years ago I was in the same situation as you are. I moved over to England and had loans over here. As soon as I could I got a loan in England and used that to pay off things over here so that the only debt I had was the loan in England and it made things easier plus the repayments were not as much each month as they are here.

This is just another option and will only work if you are planning on staying there for a while.

One thing I nearly forgot, as far as I can remember in some banks in England when you take out a loan you don't start repayments right away, usually you can start a month or two after you get the loan? Not too sure if that is still an option nowadays.