Lost my confidence

LegacyUser

I have lost all the confidence that I have managed to build in the last year and I don't know how to go about rebuilding it. This time last year I started counselling because I had had enough of feeling depressed and turning on myself all the time. I worked so hard at my counselling sessions and really began to see an improvement on my mood, my confidence and self esteem. I surprised myself at the issues that came up and also surprised myself at how well I began to treat myself and felt so much better and more confident.
I continued counselling up until I moved abroad and it really stood to me- I travelled around by myself before meeting up with my friends from home and settling down in one place. I made new friends, found a job etc.

In the past few weeks however, I feel like I have reverted to my former insecure self. I am racked with doubts about everything- i go into work everyday feeling like I’m useless, that everybody hates me and that I am about to be fired at any moment, even though there is zero evidence to support this. I feel like I have reverted into my old position as the fool of my group of friends and that I cannot stand up to them anymore. As much as I love my friends, they can be very judgemental and bitchy towards me and towards others and are inseparatable . I have tried hard to distance myself from that side of them and to become more of my own person, which I very much did at the beginning of coming over here (and was recognised by others) but now I feel myself retreating back to the way it used to be...as if it’s better the devil you know. One of the girls told me to stop changing so much as I wasn’t paying enough attention to her anymore and that the nice person she knew had disappeared, which tore me up- I just feel like the bad person for wanting to be my own person.

When I am out, I feel like I have nothing interesting to say for myself anymore, even though I am a friendly, approachable and chatty person, I just feel like nobody is interested in talking to me. I end up just cracking jokes and taking the piss out of myself- which is a defence mechanism. If I do end up chatting to anyone, especially if its a guy, my friends come over and start taking the piss out of me in front of them. If I ask them to stop, they tell me I am too touchy and that I don’t spend enough time with them.

I looked into counselling over here and went for a free consultation but there is no way that I can afford to go to weekly sessions and I can’t find any therapist that will see me on a monthly basis or even forthnightly. I can tell myself to be confident or that I am worthy of good things etc, but i am finding it very hard to believe in myself at the moment. I have a friend out here that I can confide in but I don’t want to overwhelm him with my issues. I don’t want to put all my hard work from last year to waste and I know I can feel good about myself but I don’t know how to get back there.

Apologies for the long winded post and any advice would be so welcomed.

southofnowhere

Well done on the progress you made, it's not easy.

I'll be blunt here so apologies in advance: your friends don't sound like friends. They sound like girls you hang around with. And not nice ones either.

If anything you sound like a victim of your own success. Is it possible that you had a certain role in the group that largely involved a lot of giving, no taking and making others feel better about themselves? Making fun of you when guys talk to you is ridiculous and childish.

Then you 'changed' by getting more confidence, feeling better about yourself, making new friends, getting a job and one of your so-called friends tackles you? Because she feels like she's losing her doormat probably.

Look what you have achieved. The problem here is not you, don't start taking backwards steps. Tackle your friends or forget about them. One good friend would be better than that lot.

Sounds like an environment you shouldn't be in.

LegacyUser

southofnowhere- thanks for posting a reply!

You're right, my role within this group of friends was very much being there for the others at their every beck and call, always being the peacekeeper, always on the other end of the phone to listen etc. I was even at their financial disposal for a long time, until I got the courage to stand up for myself and refuse to do it anymore (and that was a big battle for me).

I suppose I keep feeling like a bad person for bringing about these changes into my group of friends, if that makes sense- i feel guilty that I am moving onwards and upwards and that the nature of our friendships is changing. I don't want to partake in the bitchyness and judgemental ways of my friends but its a struggle distancing myself from it, when they get resentful. I get frustrated as well when they do make fun in front of guys, or use me as the brunt of their jokes. I have also found out that they have told other friends very personal stuff about me. I just don't trust them anymore. I can get on with them great on an individual basis but together, I find them difficult to be around-very immature and just plain mean about everyone they encounter, but I think the way they act is borne out of insecurities.

When I see it written down, I know that this group is bad to be around and certainly not helping with my self esteem and confidence yet I feel guilty for wanting to move on...any ideas on what to do?

southofnowhere

SpicyRicey wrote: »

southofnowhere- thanks for posting a reply!

You're right, my role within this group of friends was very much being there for the others at their every beck and call, always being the peacekeeper, always on the other end of the phone to listen etc. I was even at their financial disposal for a long time, until I got the courage to stand up for myself and refuse to do it anymore (and that was a big battle for me).

I suppose I keep feeling like a bad person for bringing about these changes into my group of friends, if that makes sense- i feel guilty that I am moving onwards and upwards and that the nature of our friendships is changing. I don't want to partake in the bitchyness and judgemental ways of my friends but its a struggle distancing myself from it, when they get resentful. I get frustrated as well when they do make fun in front of guys, or use me as the brunt of their jokes. I have also found out that they have told other friends very personal stuff about me. I just don't trust them anymore. I can get on with them great on an individual basis but together, I find them difficult to be around-very immature and just plain mean about everyone they encounter, but I think the way they act is borne out of insecurities.

When I see it written down, I know that this group is bad to be around and certainly not helping with my self esteem and confidence yet I feel guilty for wanting to move on...any ideas on what to do?

I'm sure it is borne out of their own insecurities, but that's not an excuse.

Move on, you've nothing to feel guilty about, they have treated you terribly and will continue to do so.

And if anyone makes an issue of it stand up for yourself.