Father died without meeting, siblings exist!!

LegacyUser

I really need advise. My husband never met his Father. He always thought that he would contact him one day but we got word a few days ago that he is dead (and he was buried 2 weeks ago). We now can see from the death notice that my husband has brothers and sisters.

My husband does not talk about it, he is embarrassed because of his own existance in a way, because his mother had an affair with his father and he was the result!!!!! He is afraid that his fathers family will think badly of him.

I basically need advise, what would you do in this situation.... I have found his brother and sister on facebook but I dont want to upset them..... they just lost their Dad!! It is very sad that my husband will never ever know his Dad but he could start a relationship with his brothers and sisters??? We have children too who we now have discovered have cousins...... what would you do in this situation???

Please help!!!!!

seamus

If your husband's half-siblings don't know he exists, then now is definitely the wrong time to approach them. At best, they will see his "crawling out of the woodwork" with suspicion, so close to his death - what is he looking for?

This is also not something which you should not unilaterally take upon yourself. This is your husband's family, not yours. You have no right to force this situation upon either side.

You can support your husband, encourage him to do what's right, but at the end of the day it's up to him to decide if this is to be pursued or left alone. If you think that he has problems in relation to his upbringing or origins - maybe encourage him to speak to a professional. Or to even speak to you. Sometimes simply saying things out loud to another human being can be a release.

Then he may feel like he wants to pursue a relationship with his siblings. But it is definitely not up to you to force a relationship on any of them.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your response Seamus. You are right.... I didnt even think about "crawling out of the woodwork" it is just that we have not known who he was before now. I am just afraid that my husband would decide to find them and they would reject him. He worked hard all his life to get where he is and has never asked anyone for anything. I was thinking that I could try to find them and somehow find out if they know about him and if they want to know him.... if they dont want to know then my husband wouldn't be any the wiser and wouldnt be hurt by them....

It is such a strange situation, on the pic on facebook my daughter is the image of his sister and they may never ever know each other....

I really do appreciate your response....

Kablamo!

Whilst I agree with the poster above, a month after my Father's death I discovered I had a half brother. Admittedly, it was on the other side (mother gave him up for adoption), so there was no fear of inheritance, etc, but whilst it was a difficult blow to take if you will, after awhile I realised that I'd just gained a new part of my family.
Leave it a few months, let the dust settle, then approach them. They might eventually be just as excited as you are

lordgoat

Does your husband want to know them? That's the main question. He might not.
Also right now he's probably dealing with a loss of a father he never knew. How one goes about that is probably incredibly difficult. I'd leave it be for now. It is entirely his decision, and if he decides to make it now, or in 5 or 10 years time i don't think he should be pressed into it.

I would also not use facebook for anything like initiating contact. I know you didn't say you were going to but i don't think it's an option.

LegacyUser

Thank you Kabalo, I am so glad that your experience went well.... I was actually thinking that his siblings would be delighted to meet my husband, having lost their Dad.... he is such a good person.... everyone likes him, he is funny and caring and a great friend, but of course if the family have no knowledge of him it might be better to keep away in case it ruins their memory of their Dad???? but then again life is so short.... I keep trying to think if it happened to me.... my Dad has passed away too, so if a brother came knocking on my door.... I think I would be delighted!!! I would just be gutted that we might have missed so much time....

My husband does want to know them Lordgoat but he feels that at this stage they have never come to find him so resigned himself to the fact that they dont exist. He was upset about the passing of his Dad even though he didnt meet him.... it is just the "what if" and so many questions.

His Dads wife does know about my husband and even came to visit him several times when he was younger. I cant bring up the topic with my MIL as I dont want to upset her. I am just afraid that there is a stand off because no one wants to be rejected, that is why I was thinking of acting as a go between and test the water without anyone knowing who I am. If you were in my situation, would you?? I know that this is his family and his choice and I would never ever do anything that would upset my husband. I just feel that there is more to gain than lose.... I am just being silly??

LegacyUser

Does everyone think that I should just leave the situation alone or is there anyone who thinks that doing some investigation would do no harm?? I really believe there is more to be gained than lost but as it is such an unusual situation I dont know what to do. I have so many questions regarding my own kids.... I think even if I could find out the names of their first cousins I would be happy.... as I could warn my kids off if they happened to come home with them as boyfriend/girlfriend one day!!!!

seamus

anonwife wrote: »

Does everyone think that I should just leave the situation alone or is there anyone who thinks that doing some investigation would do no harm??

No, I don't think it could do any harm, so long as you're careful. It can be easy to get sucked into it and start taking silly risks like "accidentally" bumping into one of them and striking up a conversation without revealing who you are.
It can do no harm to gather a little bit more information about who these people are, what they do, how many kids they have etc, but I wouldn't push it.
I think the more you humanise them and can see that they are just people like you and your husband, then you may be better able to calm his fears about approaching them.

as I could warn my kids off if they happened to come home with them as boyfriend/girlfriend one day!!!!

That's actually not that big a deal. There's nothing illegal or (IMO) inherently wrong with cousins in a relationship, especially if they've never known eachother. I would avoid bringing your kids into it too. The more people who have the information, the more risk you have of someone letting the cat out of the bag before your husband is ready to do so. As the primary instigator, you will take the full brunt of any backlash on his part, if this comes out when he's not ready for it.

I can understand why you may be excited about the prospect of extending your children's family - and it may be good for your husband too in the long run, but don't let your enthusiasm get in the way of sensitivity. Tread carefully.

Bottle_of_Smoke

seamus wrote: »

That's actually not that big a deal. There's nothing illegal or (IMO) inherently wrong with cousins in a relationship, especially if they've never known eachother. I would avoid bringing your kids into it too. The more people who have the information, the more risk you have of someone letting the cat out of the bag before your husband is ready to do so. As the primary instigator, you will take the full brunt of any backlash on his part, if this comes out when he's not ready for it.

That's a pretty subjective opinion so I don't think you should be be stating that is isn't a big deal in such a definitive manner. Someone with cystic fibrosis might advise you it is quite a big deal.

seamus

You may have missed the "IMO" in the following sentence. The discussion has been had here recently, no need to start it again.

Bottle_of_Smoke

seamus wrote: »

You may have missed the "IMO" in the following sentence. The discussion has been had here recently, no need to start it again.

Eh yeah the following sentence where you were referring to something else. I don't think it pedantic to say you should have had "IMO" in the sentence I'm referring to, as it isn't a factual statement.

They could also find out later down the line and be horrified by it in itself. I don't get why people take cousin relationships so lightly.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I find this sentence interesting - "His Dads wife does know about my husband and even came to visit him several times when he was younger." If his wife came to visit your husband, how come he never met his Dad? I find it very strange that she was the one to visit him. And if she knew about him and was concerned enough to visit him, how come she didn't tell him about his father's death? I would think that you should encourage him to contact her in a natural way, to talk about his father's death.

cbyrd

I lost my dad 2 weeks ago and i would truely have very mixed feelings if someone came knocking on my door saying they were my half brother.
It would completely rock my memories of my dad and make me wonder if i knew him at all...:(
There's more than just your husbands feelings in all this, there are other children who don't know this part of they're fathers past and how would they react to knowing that their dad lied to them (by omission), and their mother too knowing about him and not saying anything at all.
It would be a selfish thing to do at the moment and there's no easy way to break someone's heart all over again. give them time to heal a bit first and then maybe he could approach the dad's wife to see how the land lies,:(
It not an easy situation but handled incorrectly could hurt a lot of people

Elle Collins

I have personal experience of a very similar situation OP and I can only warn you that our family would have been in no way happy or welcoming had we been approached. Thankfully we werent.

It certainly is not safe to assume that his half siblings will want to hear from him. Seriously, how happy do you think they'll be about the affair their father had and the hurt it caused their mother?

LegacyUser

My aunt was in a similar situation as you, only from the other side of things. When she was young she lived with her parents a sister and 2 brothers. Following a very unfortunate event, at the end of 15 her family was killed at home, the only survivors were her 2 brothers (one was not at home and the other was able to hide) and her because she was left for dead.

Fast forward a couple of decades or so, she is married to my uncle and have a couple of kids herself. One day she finds out she might have brothers and sisters in other cities as she was told that her dad had a number of affairs and had kids from a previous relationship, although never took care of them. Despite everything she was only delighted to hear and went looking for them.

Eventually she found them and they get on so well. I suppose she was influenced by the fact that she grew up without a family as such, something she always longed for. Her brother on the other hand was not as eager but also get on with the new found siblings.

Can't really give you any advice here, just sharing the story. But you never know which way your husbands siblings are going to take the news. Just be there for him in case he decides to take another step into getting to know them.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the advise, I have not done anything because as mentioned it really is none of my business. I dont have too many details of what happened between my husbands Mum and Dad, all I know is that his Dads wife did come to visit my husband with his Dad and that stopped when my husband was about 3. I dont know why and dont want to ask at I feel it is not my place.

Having heard from other people, I guess it might just be best to let things lie... I just feel so sorry for my husband as he is completely the innocent party in all of this. His Mam was younger than his Dad and was completely in love with him but seemingly did not to break up a family, I think that is why she and his wife became friends. She never did meet anyone else and brought up my husband alone.

Thanks again for all the comments, maybe in time they might come knocking... if they do they will be welcomed but in the meantime I will just discourage my husband from contact.

LegacyUser

Elle Collins wrote: »

I have personal experience of a very similar situation OP and I can only warn you that our family would have been in no way happy or welcoming had we been approached. Thankfully we werent.

It certainly is not safe to assume that his half siblings will want to hear from him. Seriously, how happy do you think they'll be about the affair their father had and the hurt it caused their mother?

I have to say that I was a little shocked when I read this.... The fact is that it did happen and because of your Dad you have a half brother.... this is your Dads fault, not the fault of your half brother, he is the innocent victim in all of this!!!! It is very easy to say "our family would have been in no way happy or welcoming had we been approached. Thankfully we werent" At least you lived your life knowing your Dad, you are in no way different to your brother, the only difference is that you were lucky enough to have him in your life....

I think you should put yourself in your half brothers shoes, can you imagine if one day after wondering all your life you finally plucked up the courage and went knocking on your Fathers door and were then shunned, that would destroy someone and for what???? The hurt took place a long time ago, it is awful for your Mother but it is not your half brothers fault!!! You know about your brother and the affair, whats the point in staying bitter and with the wrong person??!!

Did you ever think about what sort of person he is?? Well I just hope that he is happy wherever he is and has a family who loves him!!!