I'm Going (Slightly) Mad....

LegacyUser

5 years ago I met a beautiful young woman. We soon dated and fell in love.

Within a year I was ready to make a drastic step for her, so I moved in with her, and this also involved me moving country.

If there are any problems with the relationship, I would say it’s that she is a worrier, and that she tends to worry about a lot of things – financials, employment, opportunities, relatives visiting, upcoming social occasions – and where as I would worry about them, I wouldn’t say I get quite as stressed as she makes herself.

Over the last year, I have been more or less unemployed, and despite a few good opportunities for short term contracts I remain unemployed and actively job seeking every single day. My partner is employed, full time, and naturally the financials in the house aren’t desperate but it’s obvious that I am not always able to pay my fair share. She has been tolerant of this, but naturally at times lashes out, feeling frustrated she doesn’t have that little bit extra.

I have been to several high profile interviews, with candidates that are even more high profile than me, and although I am on the books with several casual agencies who do offer work there is never a full guarantee of a job approaching.

As a result of many things our sex life has died down over the course of the relationship and is now virtually non existent. I’m still young, and even if I wasn’t, I’m still eager to engage in sexual activity as part of a healthy relationship. But my partner isn’t. We’re not just talking about less than once a week; we’re talking sometimes weeks and even months, where no sex or contact of any kind can occur.

Taking some advice from friends, I started to be more mindful of the situation, and offered the odd (where I could afford it) evening out such as a restaurant or cinema or theatre. I made attempts to generally improve my behaviour and fix any errors that my partner might have pointed out and tried to clean the house even more so then I already was during the day, doing chores and showing her the jobs I was applying for every evening when she returned from work – and yet, despite all this, there was no sexual activity involved. Simply more complaint.

The problem I am having though is that I suffer from vivid and often sexual dreams, having sex with other women. These range from actresses on television to imaginary, random people I don’t believe I have ever met in real life. In the dreams I find that the women sometimes question why I want to have sex with them if I’m in a relationship, and yet we end up performing sexual acts, and I’m ashamed to say this sometimes turns into a wet dream.

I am not in a financial position to leave my partner, I only mention it because (despite how much I love her) I feel this is a serious problem, and no matter how many talks I have with her there is never real movement on the issue. She almost uses sex as a weapon – although that might be unfair – since there is virtually no sex involved.

I also met a work colleague recently on a casual employment, we started talking, and I almost found myself saying something stupid like “would you like to go for a drink” – normally I’m first to mention my girlfriend, talk about her and what she does, to make conversation and to share a bit of information with someone in a social way….but I never mentioned her to this girl, and I found myself wanting to ask her out, since I knew she was single.

My head is really confused and I am just unsure as to what to do. Am I being unfair, unreasonable, should I tell my partner or should I say nothing and attempt to deal with this problem by simply coming to terms with her? Or should I just leave her, move out at any cost, and find myself someone new in time?

Sleepy

Is it a case that your partner's only interested in you 'for richer'?

Many women find a man who can't provide to be emasculated (as society has always told them this is the man's role in life) and thusly emasculated, sexually unattractive.

Something tells me that if you were to land a good job, your sex life would come back with it.

Zen65

ConfusedandLonely wrote: »

Or should I just leave her, move out at any cost, and find myself someone new in time?

This relationship does not sound like it is going anywhere. When a partner withholds sex in the manner you describe (i.e. not just occasionally, as any person might sometimes, but on an ongoing basis) then they have effectively broken the trust of the relationship. It is in essence being unfaithful, since they are (presumably) expecting that their partner remains monogamous while they choose to be celibate.

Let me be clear - I'm not saying your partner is doing anything wrong: for all I know you might be the biggest user / waster on the planet, you may have broken promise after promise to her, you may be declining employment because you wish to be unduly choosy about what job to take - none of this can be determined from your own post.

It's not my place to judge, so I am not judging either of you.

What I am saying is that at this early stage, for your relationship to have hit this point is a very bad sign. I would suggest that it is probably beyond saving, and maybe you should agree to go your separate ways.

After that you can fantasize what you wish, and meet up with whomever you wish.


Be at peace,

Z

seenitall

Sleepy wrote: »

Is it a case that your partner's only interested in you 'for richer'?

Many women find a man who can't provide to be emasculated (as society has always told them this is the man's role in life) and thusly emasculated, sexually unattractive.

Something tells me that if you were to land a good job, your sex life would come back with it.

Or is it a case of staying in a dead relationship for, ahem, calculated reasons?

"I am not in a financial position to leave my partner",

"should I just leave her, move out at any cost, and find myself someone new in time?"

Something tells me this relationship isn't a very loving one, from either side. No matter how you try and sugar-coat it, OP, a relationship with no intimacy is a dead-end relationship. I would advise you to get a bit of self-respect and stop living off a woman who clearly doesn't want you any longer, and to get out of the relationship in which you are so miserable as to be having thoughts of cheating. It won't end well. So yes, "move out at any cost" is what I advise. And find yourself a worthwhile occupation before "finding someone new". It does wonders for self-esteem and respect afforded you, and that goes for both men and women these days, because, while "many women find a man who can't provide emasculated", so many men find a woman who can't provide, a gold-digger. New world, new rules.

Best wishes.

,mnb

Before you move or make any decsion I believe it would be really important to address these issues with her, one on one or relationship counselling. Otherwise you might carry the problems forward to the next relationship.

Moomoo1

seenitall wrote: »

And find yourself a worthwhile occupation before "finding someone new". It does wonders for self-esteem and respect afforded you, and that goes for both men and women these days, because, while "many women find a man who can't provide emasculated", so many men find a woman who can't provide, a gold-digger. New world, new rules.

but what happens then: he loses his new job with the new partner and is back where he started?

No. He has to find a partner who would want him no matter what his employment status.

and 'emasculated' and 'gold-digger' are totally different things. 'Emasculated' suggests some physical un-attraction, whereas 'gold-digger' suggests suspicion of motives. So it doesn't go for both men and women, nor will ever.

Moomoo1

ConfusedandLonely wrote: »

Taking some advice from friends, I started to be more mindful of the situation, and offered the odd (where I could afford it) evening out such as a restaurant or cinema or theatre. I made attempts to generally improve my behaviour and fix any errors that my partner might have pointed out and tried to clean the house even more so then I already was during the day, doing chores and showing her the jobs I was applying for every evening when she returned from work – and yet, despite all this, there was no sexual activity involved. Simply more complaint.

which proves that one can always find things to complain about, even if the situation is perfect. Chances are, even if you got that job, she'd still complain.

think about it: how many men there are who are unemployed, don't lift a finger around the house, don't do anything romantic, drink, etc... and yet have partners who absolutely adore them and cling to them desperately?

ConfusedandLonely wrote: »

My head is really confused and I am just unsure as to what to do. Am I being unfair, unreasonable, should I tell my partner or should I say nothing and attempt to deal with this problem by simply coming to terms with her? Or should I just leave her, move out at any cost, and find myself someone new in time?

you should definitely tell her that you are considering leaving over the way she is treating you.

TitoPuente

seenitall wrote: »

while "many women find a man who can't provide emasculated", so many men find a woman who can't provide, a gold-digger. New world, new rules.

You're hardly comparing like with like. One is an example of a woman withdrawing intimacy from a man because he's not earning enough, the other is a man being suspicious that his partner using him for money. In either case, the lack of intimacy is telling and usually signals rough times for the relationship.

OP - it sounds like the relationship has run its course to be perfectly honest. Call me self-absorbed or stubbornly proud or whatever... but if I was with a woman and she withdrew affection and intimacy for several months, I'd be ending things and getting on with my life. That kind of passive aggressive behaviour as a judgement of your 'worth' (particularly considering it's only monetary in this case) is something you should never stand for.

seenitall

@ Moomoo:

OK, so he has to find a partner who would want him no matter what his employment status. Except the OP's post and the way he words things gives me an uneasy feeling that he cares about his employment status somewhat less than about having regular sex OR "finding someone new". Not a great distribution of priorities in my view, and I would be very wary of getting involved with someone similar - I have done so in the past and got badly burnt, suffice it to say.

"Emasculated by unemployment" means a turn-off in a (usually traditional) woman's eyes, a "gold-digger" (i.e "a kept woman") means a turn-off in a (usually modern) man's. So I still think that my comparison is apt enough - they are both about employment and money, aren't they?

@ TitoPuente:

No, I never suggested that finding someone emasculated through unemployment should or necessarily does lead to withdrawing of physical intimacy (I would suspect that nowadays nearly half the country wouldn't be getting any, by that logic - but I don't, of course). I was merely comparing how money issues can and do run both ways, as above in my answer to Moomoo, so IMO it is very much comparing like with like.

EDIT: not justifying his partner's actions in any shape or form. It is a passive-agressive, unloving, uncaring behaviour. The relationship is dead or dying, but the OP has a very pragmatic slant to his post ("I am not in a financial position to leave"- what does that mean? Would he be homeless and destitute if he left, or is it the fact that he likes his home comforts a bit too much?), a great deal more pragmatic than I would expect of someone who talks about loving their OH so much, and therefore I suggest that there are pragmatic reasons why he is staying in the current relationship. The fact is, the situation (along with his partner) is eroding his self-esteem, and staying in it the worst thing he can possibly do.

seenitall

Moomoo1 wrote: »

think about it: how many men there are who are unemployed, don't lift a finger around the house, don't do anything romantic, drink, etc... and yet have partners who absolutely adore them and cling to them desperately?

And this is an example of what? A good, healthy partnership? :rolleyes: Tsk tsk...