New Job

LegacyUser

Sorry for the long post.
I've been unemployed for months and recently started a new job. Initially I was thrilled and felt so lucky but now I'm beginning to wonder if it was a good move. Its not good pay, the hours are quite long - I don't mind that as I need the experience but I don't know if its worth it at this stage of my life. I don't know where to start, but the real issue is loneliness and has been for a long time. I was considering starting up my own business but always thought at the back of my mind that I'd be better off being with people and being in a job and so have been searching for work for a long time. I guess a big reason for pursuing this path was thinking that work might give me a social life, that I might make some friends. On reflection now that seems so silly.


So anyway, I've been working in this office, its creative work which I wanted to get into but what I hadn't really realised is just how much its like an office, people have a job to do even if it is creative work and its a job at the end of the day. I feel foolish for thinking it would somehow be this magical world of happy creative people! I've worked in administrative jobs before and hated them, I felt chained to a desk, organising other people's work, time, filing etc. In one job I was bullied. I don't know whether this is just reminding me of that, having to sit at a desk all day long and work, barely moving or if its that I'm so used to not working and having my days to myself. Probably a combination of both.

Anyway, I think maybe I wouldn't mind it so much if the people lived up to my crazy expectations too! There are two other people in the office I'm in and I feel like the 3rd wheel. I try to make conversation and join in but I just rightly or wrongly feel like I can only speak when I'm spoken to. Or if I try to start a conversation I'm afraid I'm just distracting people and being a nuisance. I'm often perceived as quiet and I think sometimes people think I just want to be alone. So I'm trying to be careful not to give off that vibe and try and engage etc. People seem to do their own thing for lunch, eat at their desk etc. which I find really depressing. I have to get out and MOVE!

Then at the end of it all I beat myself up because I figure if I had a husband and or good friends to go home to I wouldn't be taking this all so seriously. So anyway, I've had this problem of loneliness for a long time, I'm now in my early 30s and am hoping to change. I felt comfortable being out of work and not having to engage with people, I wasn't reminded of how lonely I was and didn't have to confront anything really. I want to change and I want to be motivated in every way but sometimes I'm sitting at the desk and I just feel so sad, not to the point where I'm going to cry - thankfully, because, luckily so far I can handle the work so I can just get on with it - but I just feel so sad, I just want to have a family, have support in my life, in short I want to be loved.

I don't know what anyone can say to me after that outburst...would appreciate anyone who can relate or give advice, anything...I don't know if the work is right for me, I don't know if I should just do it cause its better than doing nothing, even though doing nothing was comfortable, or if I should go and start on my own(in a different area that I have skills in), that way I've no one to answer to but myself and I can do my own thing.