Children and Bereavement

cbyrd

My Dad passed away on monday night after illness and although it happened a bit quicker than we were prepared for, we did know it would be soon.

My query is about my youngest girl (8), she won't talk about it and is almost pretending it hasn't happened, if i try to mention it she blinks a few times and then runs off. I don't know whether i should wait and see will she talk to me about it by herself or is there something i can do to help her open up?

She spent an amazing amount of time gardening with her Grandad in the last 3 years, helping him with things that he couldnt' manage cos he had numb fingers from treatment. She was asked to bring up a flower in the offeratory at his funeral and she wouldn't, i'm not pushing her but i'm wondering should i??

My eldest girl is almost 12 and she's very sad but coping but she gets seriously annoyed now with the younger girl.. i just don't know if she's coping or just shut down until she can cope.

Any advice would be really welcome..

metrovelvet

Well, given how inadequate language is for even the most skilled of users when facing loss and mortality I would say it's triply so for children. I wouldnt push it, I think you will see it more in behavior than in language, judging on the several friends of mine who lost parents very young.

They will talk to you when they are ready. Dont push your daughter into bringing up a a flower. She may be in denial or angry. Maybe ask her why she doesn't want to. But let them have the space to grieve and process it.

Moonbeam

SOrry to hear about your dad:(
Hope you are coping ok yourself.
Maybe if she was asked could she bring up something that was special to her and grandad?or write a prayer of the faithful about her grandad.
If you make it personal to her it might help.

FoxT

Hi OP, I am sorry for your loss.

From what I have read & experienced in my own family, children develop their understanding of death/bereavement when in the 6-8 age group. Ideally, their first experience of death is a relatively benign one - such as seeing a dead animal on the road, or the death of a family pet. This gives them an opportunity to 'process' it & develop an emotional understanding of it.

For a child of this age, the death of a loved one can be particularly troubling. They may have many concerns, ranging from 'why did nobody tell me this was going to happen', ' could it happen to mum/dad/ somebody else' , 'could it happen to me' , etc. etc. Often they will not be able to articulate these concerns clearly.

If you believe your child is deeply troubled, then I suggest you seek professional advice. In the meantime, it may help you to do some research, and spend LOTS of 1-1 time with her. Maybe do some baking or some other activity the child enjoys. This will help her relax & she may then feel comfortable in asking questions or discussing the loss of her grandad.

I don't think that pushing her to bring a flower up at the offertory is a good idea. But perhaps you could offer her other options - would she like to do something else? read a simple bidding prayer, perhaps? Or, bring the flower to the graveside? If she doesn't want to take any active part then I would respect that - perhaps over the coming weeks she may want to vist the grave or bring flowers there.

Best of luck,

- FoxT

2SWEET

Hi Cybrd.
Sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad 2 years and my eldest was 8 at the time, the youngest was 4. The 8 year old cried when we first told him and over the next few days he refused to talk about it and there was no way he would go to the funeral, the 4 year old didn't really understand what death really meant so she wasn't too bothered at the time. I decided to let them take the led in dealing with it and didn't push them or coax them in any way, just let them know that both me and their Dad where there to talk or cuddle them whenever they needed it.Over time they both came to us many times, sometimes angry, sometimes upset and other times they just wanted assuring that nobody else would die on them. Sadly my husband's Dad died over the summer, so we are back at the beginning again, but as they've been there before i know they'll be ok with time.
The best advice i could give based on my experience is let her take her time to process what has happened and be there for her when she is ready to talk.I know it's not easy when you are grieving also,but i know for sure what will get you through your darkest days are the kids, they'll be the ones to make you smile even through your tears.

caprilicious

C I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, I hope you're ok x

Your poor girls, in a way its lovely thought that they did get to spend so much time with him before he passed, although I understand that being so close makes it difficult for them to deal with not having him there anymore.

I hope they're ok and they get through the next few days ok.

dan_d

Hi op, sorry about your loss. Maybe if your daughter doesn't improve and you are still worried, you could try Rainbows - they are a bereavement counselling service for kids.
Just a suggestion, you can look them up on the web.

Nevyn

http://www.rainbowsireland.com/

Bidd

I'm very sorry for the loss of your Dad.

My own Mother died when I was 9 years old and I was also an only child. She was ill a lot but it was so unexpected and my Dad took it very badly. At that age it is hard to articulate how you feel. I felt distraught, hurt, sad but was constantly told by family members not to upset my Dad. I understand somewhat now but still feel upset that my feelings were never taken into account.

I would let your daughter talk when she is ready. She is probably trying to figure it out in her own head and maybe she doesn't want to upset you by showing her grief. If she does ask questions please don't lie to her (I'm not saying you would, just making a point) Kids know at that age when adults are lying eg my Father constantly said my Mom was an Angel in Heaven and I knew that was not the case. I didn't want to hear that, I wanted the truth. It was things like that which really upset me.

She will come around in her own time. It is very early days yet. Show her lots of love. She obviously has a very caring Mother

Maybe at some stage you could plant a tree in memory of your Dad with your daughters' help.

sarahlulu

So sorry to hear about your loss. My Mum died a year ago, and she and my kids were so close. It was hard to know how they felt initially because they didn't say too much. The eldest (age 8) one was lonely for her, but was delighted to be involved in the funeral etc, whereas the 6 year old didn't want to come to the funeral, and said nothing about it. When we first went to visit the grave after the funeral was when it really hit the 8 year old and she sobbed her little heart out. The six year old talks about things she used to do with her Granny almost every day but didn't talk about the fact that she was gone for ages. Very gradually she would mention more and more about it, and then suddenly at another funeral we had to go to, the questions started coming thick and fast. Why was Granny sick, why could the doctors not make her better, what did they do to try to make her better etc. The only advice I can offer is to be as honest and open as you can be.