Friend cant stop cheating

LegacyUser

Best friend of mine has become extremely reckless when it has come to doing the bold thing on his girlfriend.
He is with her over 3 years and I think for nearly the whole 1st year he was very good. But now it is happening too regularly that he gets blotto drunk and ends up going home with girls.

In his defence (and I know a lot will say it isnt) it only happens when he is rotten, eyes-glazed over drunk. I mean that there is never any fear, say when he has just the few pints. It's usually if he has been on the booze all day and night.

He always feels awful about it, wouldnt be the type to brag about it...it's just happening too often now. Our friends have gotten to know his gf fairly well at this stage and would consider her a friend.

I'm not asking you to say "your friends an AH" or "shes better off without him" even though that may very well be the case.

Im asking what people would do in my position. I couldnt ever tell the gf myself- out of the question as far as im concerned. I've told him to try avoid the day long sessions, but its not really had the desired effect. Any non-judgmental opinions would be welcome....

LighterGuy

Its always a "catch 22" when you know someone is being unfaithful. If you reveal all it can end friendships and sometimes both parties can toss you aside. But if it gets revealed and its found out you knew - the gf/her side will think your a jerk.

Basically its about what side you pick. Mate vs Morals.
Obviously by making the thread your conscience for knowing this is coming through (because you think she is a nice girl) But its up to you what side you want to choose pretty much. Its catch 22 as I say.

But whatever side you choose dont chalk up your mates cheating to over-drinking. "Drunken mind, Sober thoughts" and all that. If you ever said that in his defense to someone else it would just cheapen your character etc.

That_Guy

Have been in this scenario before and as annoying as it is, it's really none of your business.

You have to let your friend tell his girlfriend or let it all unfold. At the risk of ruining a friendship, it's best that you keep quiet.

It's very fcuking annoying but as I've said before, it's really none of your business.

Maybe you could have a word with your mate?

Chucky the tree

Maybe on the sessions try and make sure he drinks some water every so often or has some food? Although you shouldn't be forced to be his minder either. Obviously never tell his girlfriend though.

amiable

I personally feel its not your business. Its between him and his gf.
I can understand your feelings but you need to detach yourself from the situation

LegacyUser

She deserves to know incase the relationship ever evolves to 'serious'.

I wouldn't like to be friends with the person your friends with. Birds of a feather flock together, your only as good as those you hang around with and all that.

It's going to be hard but think if it was your sister or something?

LegacyUser

cheers for the replies...

Ye just telling her outright isnt an option, couldnt do that to him. My loyalty is to him when it comes down to it.

It's more a case of trying to save him from himself...ive suggested to him quietly that he make an excuse to avoid the entirety of a massive session or head home early when he feels he is getting hammered, but easier saiid than done.

It's just I think it's only a matter of time before she catches him. Cant help feeling I am just standing idly by. I feel that there is something I should do, just dont know what.

It is quite serious by the way...it's up to him if he ever wants to tell her about what he has done, but I feel as a mate its up to me to try and stop him do it again in the future.

Beruthiel

worriedfriend wrote: »

I feel as a mate its up to me to try and stop him do it again in the future.

You're a good friend, but you know what, it isn't up to you.
It's up to him.
When it comes to his relationship with his g/f, it's not your business and for your own sake, keep well out of it.
He's a grown man who is responsible for his own actions and the consequences.
Drunk or sober, there is no excuse for this behaviour.

She will cop it eventually. He will slip up, or give her an STD.

So, even though you know he's acting the complete tool, just leave him to it. You're not his mammy.
Being his friend means just being there for him when she dumps his ass.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Call me a cynic but I'd say he's getting drunk so he can justify his behaviour to himself and you/your friends.

People don't really make hugely different when they're drunk, they just know they can use it as an excuse.

Maybe you should advise him to leave his girlfriend. Other than that your loyalties should be to him, despite his behaviour he's your best friend, his girlfriend isn't

LighterGuy

As a mate its not up to you. Its nice to see you are looking out for him. But at the end of the day its his life and his choices.

And its not just about cheating aswell. Even if he got so drunk and did something stupid. Its not up to you to watch over him.

LegacyUser

I've been with my boyfriend almost 3 years. I'm 19.
Every few months I end up with a friend, It's usually we've been out and none of my other friends or bf is around and I just get hammered (no excuse I know, just giving the details). Anyway I wouldn't want a friend to tell on me, for the simple reason that everytime it happens, next morning I feel terrible, and I would never want my relationship with my bf to end so negatively.

This is really getting me down. I meet new guys and I'm interested in them. But I can't seem to let go of my boyfriend. I've only ever cheated on him with this one guy, but I am interested in others. My dad cheated on my mam for years and I don't want to end up like him. I broke up with my boyfriend after the last time it happened, but we got back together because I was lost without him. I love him and want to be with him, but can't stop doing this every so often.

Does anyone have any advice? Plz don't tell me how crap I am because trust me I know!

Susie_Q

OP, I know someone like this too. Lovely guy when he's sober but when he drinks he gets ratarsed and goes home with a random girl. He has been with a girl for about 5 years but she rarely comes on nights out with us as she's a nurse and works night shifts. I feel terrible for her but it's really not my place to say anything.

I hate to think of them getting married in the future though, I'd hate to be in her position. Have a word with your mate and tell him to cop on, though I don't think you'd be right to tell the missus.

LegacyUser

I was in the exact same situation , best mate doing the dirt on girlfriend one night stands and seeing another girl regular , i knew his girlfriend for years very nice girl sound out we were friends , she found messages on his phone and he pawned it off as her being paranoid , she knew somethin was wrong, he was goin out on his own without her a lot more .......... he basically started beating her self confidence down , made her feel like she was imagining the whole thing.

This went on for a few months she was cracking up , had gained a stone or more in weight and was drinking heavily cause it was getting to her, but he kept insisting nothing was goin on and even told her she was having a mental breakdown .
I felt so sorry for the girl one night that i had to tell her straight out , he was doing the dirt, confirmed it for her, she took it hard but worked up the courage to dump him for good .

Didnt talk to the best mate since and lost one or two other mates who engaged in the same behaviour and had a little pact amongst themselves!!!

However at the same time i know i did the right thing without a doubt in my mind, he was causing mental abuse that would mess a girl up for life that didnt sit right with me so i did what needed to be done , morally im on the high ground , and any friends who share the same view point will leave it be known , some will stay out of it , you will lose some "friends".

finbarrk

You are 19. Too young for a serious relationship. You said your Dad cheated on your Mum, maybe they got together when they were young too?
Start thinking about serious relationships when you are 25 maybe.
Try out plenty of lads now, you won't regret it later.

wylo

cantstopcheating wrote: »

I've been with my boyfriend almost 3 years. I'm 19.
Every few months I end up with a friend, It's usually we've been out and none of my other friends or bf is around and I just get hammered (no excuse I know, just giving the details). Anyway I wouldn't want a friend to tell on me, for the simple reason that everytime it happens, next morning I feel terrible, and I would never want my relationship with my bf to end so negatively.

This is really getting me down. I meet new guys and I'm interested in them. But I can't seem to let go of my boyfriend. I've only ever cheated on him with this one guy, but I am interested in others. My dad cheated on my mam for years and I don't want to end up like him. I broke up with my boyfriend after the last time it happened, but we got back together because I was lost without him. I love him and want to be with him, but can't stop doing this every so often.

Does anyone have any advice? Plz don't tell me how crap I am because trust me I know!

Either stop cheating or become single. 19 may be young, but he doesnt deserve someone that does that. Its disgraceful. Sorry to sound like im having a go but you seem to almost feeling sorry for yourself.

wylo

OP, Id a friend like that too, one night I told him while drunk that I didnt want to be friends with his GF anymore because its putting me in a position. Now dont get me wrong , nothing came of that, i slightly phased myself out of her life I guess but only as much as I could.

He is now going out with someone else for a long time, he has cheated on her quite a bit too ,not recently though, I barely know her and I dont make much effort to be mates with her , im not rude but I just dont want to be friends with someone whos getting cheated on and me not being able to say anything.

Basically my advice is, stay out of it, well out of it, to the point where your cutting your ties with her, if he ever calls you up on it then you can proudly tell him why.

People may disagree with me but its the only way. Telling her leaves you down 2 friends, him AND her,and possible other male mates as well.

Bottle_of_Smoke

wylo wrote: »

OP, Id a friend like that too, one night I told him while drunk that I didnt want to be friends with his GF anymore because its putting me in a position. Now dont get me wrong , nothing came of that, i slightly phased myself out of her life I guess but only as much as I could.

He is now going out with someone else for a long time, he has cheated on her quite a bit too ,not recently though, I barely know her and I dont make much effort to be mates with her , im not rude but I just dont want to be friends with someone whos getting cheated on and me not being able to say anything.

Basically my advice is, stay out of it, well out of it, to the point where your cutting your ties with her, if he ever calls you up on it then you can proudly tell him why.

People may disagree with me but its the only way. Telling her leaves you down 2 friends, him AND her,and possible other male mates as well.

thats calling a spade a spade and the most sensible attitude to take. was gonna post again but this sums it up perfectly

LighterGuy

I told once. Heres what happened: (sorry for the long read but it just shows you what people are like)

I was friends with a girl called Suz. A type of girl who was friendly to your face, slagging you behind your back. But I knew what she was. Anyways she was dating a guy named John from around mid 2007 to mid 2009.

In December 2007 Suz told me she slept with some guy around 3 months into the relationship with john (which would of made them at that time dating 6-7 months when she told me) ... Obviously seen as i didnt know john that well, and suz was my friend, I wasnt going to tell John.

Fast forward a few months. I am actually friends with John. Going out drinking etc. John was cautious of Suz (and he had a right to be, and Im not just referring to that guy she slept with) .... So john asked me one time has suz ever done anything? ... I thought seeing as how he was now a mate, a real nice guy and that i knew what suz really is, that I should tell him about that 1 night stand she had 3 months in. So I did. Shocked him. It broke his heart.

Next day Suz rang me saying why did I say that? and she tried to convince me that I was wrong. That I "missheard" what she said (Of all the excuses like :rolleyes:) - I turned around and said "John is a good guy" - "you know what you did, and he asked me" - i even said "if im being cheated on I want a mate to tell me" - She said she didnt want to be friends no more. Fair enough.

Guess what happened?
Suz managed to convince john that she didnt cheat and that i was a lying piece of dirt. They continued dating until mid 2009 (roughly a year and half after I told) .... Anytime I saw john while he was still in a relationship with her he would give me the evil eye like i was scum. I was tossed aside by both parties. Fair enough I didnt care. Felt I did the right thing.

After john and suz ended in 2009 - I saw him in a pub a bit after. He would talk to me then. Showing off his new girlfriend. Called Suz all the names under the sun (including a cheater) ... Saw it in his eyes and the way he acted that he thought i was still a di*khead. He told me what suz said about me (Terrible things but as expected)
Bumped into Suz a few months later. Again she'd chat to me now. Said the same as john, but said he said those things and not her :rolleyes: (reality is they both said it about me)


The lesson to be learned is that why did I even tell ... I knew what suz was. Shes not a nice person but John.... John I thought was a decent guy. A decent fool being used by a b*tch or so I thought.

LegacyUser

Not really surprised to see I am the only one that has been in this situation...in fact I was damn sure I wasnt.

It hasnt even crossed my mind once that I should tell her. I just won't ever do that.

Also, in contrast to previous posters experiences, I am 100% sure she hasnt even the slightest inkling. (Comments made by her re some of our other friends confirm this)

Purpose of my post was to see if anyone had successfully managed to get someone to see the light of day, change their ways etc.


He will eventually get caught, he is so reckless that he is more likely to do it in our local pub than on a holiday abroad. I've been away with him a number of times and he hasnt gone near another girl but given enough booze in our local pub/club anything is possible. Again, while I'm not trying to defend him, he is always too trashed to be sly or deceitful...if that makes any sense. It's just like after a certain amount of booze a switch goes in his head (or both heads).

Also, I feel a bit of hypocrite talking to him about watching what he drinks...sometimes overdo it and do stupid things...but what he does means he could lose something very special to him.

LegacyUser

wylo wrote: »

Either stop cheating or become single. 19 may be young, but he doesnt deserve someone that does that. Its disgraceful. Sorry to sound like im having a go but you seem to almost feeling sorry for yourself.

I don't feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for my boyfriend. I didn't get back with him to do this to him again, and I haven't done it to him again since. I know he doesn't deserve it.

To the other poster, yeah my mam and dad were together since 16/17. I know I won't be with this guy forever, but as i'm sure everyone can relate to it's hard to let go, especially when deep down you do still love them.

LighterGuy

cantstopcheating wrote: »

... I know I won't be with this guy forever, but as i'm sure everyone can relate to it's hard to let go, especially when deep down you do still love them.

Alot of people have been in your situation. In fact, majority of people have. Hence why people alot of people cheat. Its wanting to have your cake and eat it. I am not judging now
You love your boyfriend as you say. But you still want to go off with other people. Can I ask a deep question? ... Do you really love your bf? or love what you have with him? (the bond etc) or do you have a deep urge to sexually experience?

LighterGuy

worriedfriend wrote: »

He will eventually get caught, he is so reckless that he is more likely to do it in our local pub than on a holiday abroad.

Also, I feel a bit of hypocrite talking to him about watching what he drinks...sometimes overdo it and do stupid things...but what he does means he could lose something very special to him.

You're a good friend for looking out for him
But its true that we all live our own lives and make our own decsions. If you tell his gf you'll probably end up loosing him as a friend. But more importantly he wont learn a lesson / change his behavior.

If he eventually ruins things then so be it. But this will change his behavior and learn his lesson too. Remember that