Stay or go...

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

Just looking for your opinion. I've been with a person now for the most part of a year. I can honestly say he has to be one of the nicest and most genorous person I have ever met. We get along really well and have a similar sense of humour. I do enjoy his company.

However, sometimes I feel that he is almost too nice, that there is a sense of desperation there - if he doesn't treat me extremely well all of the time that I will leave him. I really care about this person and I think I do love him. But I think the feelings that I feel for him are not as strong as the feelings he feels for me. I find myself feeling irritated and smothered by his behaviour. As a result, I don't treat him as well as I should sometimes. I sometimes think that he will be happy as long as he has any girlfriend, not necessarily me.

I can find him clingy sometimes (too touchy feely :P), this has started to affect our sex life as I just want to be left alone sometimes. He also has some problems with performance which kind of put me off at times too. The thought of breaking up, really upsets me though, I have been in tears the last few days at the thought of being without him.... The idea really upsets him too, I brought it up over the weekend and he was almost uncontrollably upset....

Any advice??
Thanks

LegacyUser

Hey OP, from the sounds of it, it seems like you have a great guy there and a lot of women would be appreciate it. To be honest i don't think being overly generous an "too nice" is a bad thing either, it just means he is really into you or possibly loves you. If you feel the same way about him just go with it. As for the performance issues, it could be that he likes you so much he is afraid or nervous to do anything wrong in case it turns you off him. A lot of guys have had similar experiences where they put pressure on themselves to perform well because they like the girl so much.

Miss Fluff

Toughdecison wrote: »

However, sometimes I feel that he is almost too nice, that there is a sense of desperation there - if he doesn't treat me extremely well all of the time that I will leave him. I really care about this person and I think I do love him. But I think the feelings that I feel for him are not as strong as the feelings he feels for me. I find myself feeling irritated and smothered by his behaviour. As a result, I don't treat him as well as I should sometimes.

You do realise this is actually self-perpetuating behaviour don't you? He needs reassurance, you deem it needy, you treat him nastily, he needs reassurance because you're being mean and he consequently becomes more clingy......and so the cycle continues.

Do you treat him well/tell him how much he means to you etc or is all the love and affection coming from him? Maybe you should think about reciprocating a little and he will be able to relax more around you.

claireeney

why dont you tell him you aren't treating him as well as you would like to because you dont have your space? I can see where you're coming from and he should understand really! maybe with a bit of space you would appreciate him more as well.

Try telling him a kinder version of what you said here (not that it's nasty, but he may need it sugar coated)

LegacyUser

ok, +1 to what Miss Fluff said....

but I have to add, if you can't be an equal and feel that he is clingy, then you are better off parting company, before you grow to resent him being clingy.

I think you have a wonderful guy there, and I guarantee I would love to be with a guy like that.

perhaps you need to met a few more assholes who will treat you like dirt to actually appreciate what this guy is giving you!?

I think the only issue you breaking up with him is guilt and I think you're being selfish to stay in a relationship with someone who clearly cares more about you that you do about them. While you find him clingy and desperate - I think it shows great immaturity and a need to have your own space and be alone and be with drunk assholes who will screw you over, cheat on you, and worse to really appreciate a great guy that you have who appreciate you for who you are, and I daresay you don't deserve it, and you know it, which is why you feel guilt.

for his sake, break up with him so that he can meet really lovely mature women who would appreciate what he's offering and reciprocate in kind, he deserves much better than how he's currently being treated by you.

harsh, but true, and I've seen it happen to great guys I've known through the years, stuck through with selfish women who never appreciated all the love these guys gave them only to kick them to the curb and totally distort the fella's perception on women and love for years. Break up with him now so that he has a chance to get over you and move on.

seenitall

"taking him for granted", what a judgmental and presumptive post!

Did OP say that she wants to be with drunken a-holes who will mess with her and cheat on her? No, of course not. Is there anything wrong with wanting a bit of space at one's disposal within a normal, healthy relationship? No, of course not.

I have met and been with enough a-holes in my life to last me another 100 years or so (so I deffo don't need to meet any more!), but I have also been in a kind of relationship that the OP describes, where the guy was so desperate to be with me that his presence became suffocating to me. It was always: "What are we doing tonight? What do you want me to do? What should I do? Will you marry me?" (2 months or so into the relationship.) In short, he was a curious mixture of sheer desperation and mental health problems, all of which was proven further after I broke up with him, when he turned into a long-distance stalker.

Just like yourself, OP, I also found my ex a really nice guy. Who doesn't like to be treated well and to, for once, be a priority, after all? But just like you, I could feel the desperation that motivated his actions and I definitely remember feeling that it was just the fact of being in a relationship that mattered to him, because that is all he ever had in his line of vision. I wasn't given enough space to myself, everything was always about "us". As far as I am concerned, this is very unhealthy and suffocating. (Also, just like with your guy, performance was a bit of a problem. Interesting.)

I am not saying your guy is as messed up as my ex, he sounds nice enough and perhaps he isn't as bad. But beware of your own feelings, too. It is easy to rely on someone who likes nothing better than to play the doormat. It is easy to abuse that position you have with him, but it's wrong. I broke up with my ex, because I couldn't stand another minute of wishing he would just shut up and go away, but the reason I should have broken up with him is that I would want him to be in a two-way relationship, not this one-sided freaky thing (although I really doubt that there is any capacity there for a healthy relationship, but that's up to him now).

Whatever you do, OP, be mindful of both of you, and do the right thing. You are the one with the reins in the relationship (so to speak), and that brings responsibility.

Best wishes.

LegacyUser

Hi op
Nice guys are very rare, i think you need to sit down and have a healthy talk about this, he is in love with you and deserves as much. If a talk does not work out maybe couples councelling could help,

LegacyUser

A "nice" guy doesn't always have to be hanging out of you and jumping to your every whim. I was in a relationship exactly like the OP describes, and I found it incredibly frustrating!There is a thing as "too nice" which people who havn't experienced it find hard to understand. I'm now with a guy who's absolutely lovely, treats me well, affectionate....without being clingy or a walkover. There's a balance. OP if you don't feel it's right (and judging from your post, you don't), you have to end it. It's awful to do because he hasn't done anything actually wrong, but you two are simply not compatible.

cafecolour

I think calling him 'too nice' is a little misleading. There's plenty of nice guys in the world, he sounds clingy, desperate, and passive - is this his first real relationship?

I've dated similar, and as the focus is generally on you/what do you want to do, it gets a) exhausting having to constantly be the decision maker and b) boring as your partner then seems to become devoid of a personality of his own and starts seeming a bit fake. It's not a 50/50 relationship.

If you're irritated this early in the relationship, it's probably best to go, otherwise it'll just degenerate.

If you really want to give it ago, you need to sit down and talk, and tell him about what you've said here. Then agree on a schedule - for instance - date 1 you do what you want to do. Then date 2 you do something he wants to do (and not just something he thinks you want to do or will impress you!). Then some time off with no contact. Then date 3 you both agree on. Then repeat. I think if you can get him to be a bit more assertive, it might go a long way.

Zeouterlimits

You love him. You want to be with him.
He loves you. He wants to be with you.
He is too clingy for you.

I think you need to sit him down, tell him you want to be with him, but only if he can step back and be more mature about your reltionship. As long as he knows you do love him he should be able to take it and try improve himself.

Ye want each other to be happy, so do be honest. He doesn't want you to be with him just because you don't want to hurt his feelings, he wants you to be with him because you love him.

sporina

from reading your post these are the thoughts that come to mind,,,

you think he is a nice guy but are you in love with him? This sounds like "nice guy syndrome"! Where the guy is nice but the zest is not there. Sounds more like you are friends rather than a couple. And you said that you think he is happy to be with anyone as oppose to you? Do you feel the same? Are you worried about being alone or specifically without him?

TBH if you are not in love with him then perhaps you should let him go. Then you are allowing him the chance to find someone who will love him for who he is and appreciate the loves he shows as oppose to being infuriated by it. You also deserve to be with someone who you love and not be annoyed by. It just sounds like your not in love with him and the reason you are treating him badly is because of the fact that perhaps you know the truth in the back of your mind and you somehow wish he was a bit different.

just my thoughts.

Makes no difference how nice the guy is - if the zest is not there then its just not gonna work.

LegacyUser

Beware, I married this type... he is too nice because he is incredibly insecure. He'll be very generous, NEVER disagree with you ... but emotionally he'll be locked down tighter than Fort Knox. Can you have a real heart-to-heart discussion with him, or does he give you pat answers? Is there any depth in the relationship? Do you argue, or is he too hesitant to admit he doesn't agree? After a couple of years of marriage, I'm giving up... this isn't marriage, it's just a giant security blanket for him. Good luck on your relationship, but keep your eyes open. Mine weren't.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I think a combination of all of the above should be tried. First of all, don't withhold affection, it could be that he's feely really needy and a hug and a kiss and some reassurance could go a long way to helping that. Again you have to think of yourself, don't stay with him out of guilt but it sounds like you genuinely like him so if the reassurance doesn't work then defo sit him down and explain that you need your space and that it is supposed to be a partnership and lately you've been feeling that he needs to be more assertive. That he shouldn't just put you first all the time, he's important too!!!

Best of luck.