Unfaithful girlfriend who was abused.

KahunaBurger87

I met this absolutley gorgeous girl 3 years ago in college, we hit it off straight away. Dated for like 3 months. She asked me out.

A few months later she told me she had something to tell me.
She said that she had been molested when she was 5 and raped when she was 16. She said I was the only person she had ever told. To say I felt bad was an understatement. I had never heard anything like this before. She said I was the only person she had had consensual sex with. I could not believe this because she was an absolutely gorgeous girl.

Anyway, it took me a while to deal with this. I got angry alot and cried a few times thinking of the pain she had been through. But after a while she told me that talking about it had helped her alot and she felt like she was worth something again. We were both madly in love.

Anyway things were rosie enough for a while, we had our fights.
People that were jealous I was with her, would tell her I had been ****ing differant girls behind her back. None of which was true. Anyway it turned out she didnt believe me. And last week I found her ****ing my best friend when he was drunk off his face on a dirty floor. I went ****in ballistic. I smashed a load of **** up, all I did to him was push him out of the house, how I didnt do more I will never know.

Anyway, I love her so much but now all I see is a filthy whore. The bond we had is definatly damaged beyond repair. But how sick is that? The girl tells me her dark horrible history and instead of run a million miles, I stayed with her and tried to comfort her. And loved her even more, because she confided in me.

Now I feel like a fool, to have ever cared for her pain, to have wasted my heart and soul and three years of my life on her. To have it all chewed up and spat in my face. How the hell do I deal with this? Im going out of my mind.

Taltos

Not really sure if anything any of us can say will make you feel better OP.

This really is a rotten situation.
I am curious though - how much of her behaviour is being caused by her abuse? has she worked through it with a counsellor or just told you?

Don't get me wrong - I am not trying to excuse her f***ing your ex-friend - by the way - well done on not going to town on him. Though if he was as drunk as you say I also wonder how much he recalls.

I guess at the end of the day you have a choice
a) Cut her and him out of your life and move on. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
b) Try to work thru this with her and attend counselling. Though to be frank - what message is that sending? "He hon, it is OK for you to F*ck my mates whenever you think I am cheating on you".

OK - truth time, me - I am not sure I could ever EVER trust her again. I am also not sure that next time I could hold back from doing serious harm to someone. So, me - would make sure that they would be gone from my life.

Maybe it is all due to her history, but at some point she has to realise that her past is not her get out of jail free card and she chose to feck up her life.

Maybe I am being harsh, but at the end of the day only you can decide. Hopefully you are a better person than me and can work through this.

pwd

She might have made that stuff up to manipulate you, and she probably told other people before. Doesn't look like you're the only one she had consensual sex with, based on what you saw last week. She might have even made up that people were saying you were screwing about. When she broke your trust in the way she did, you can't really believe anything she's said.

It might take you a long time to get your head around what she did. If you really love someone, it can shake the very foundations of your reality to find out your relationship with them is not what you thought it was.

You'll get your head around it eventually, and learn from it.

Adam

that background sounds oddly familiar....

Cheeky_gal

OP, one of my best mates (no longer a mate of mine I can assure you!) confided in me telling me she had been raped. Tbh she's a major attention seeker and loves the attention of guys (she's incredibly good looking), anyways I went along with it and comforted her etc even though in my heart I beleived it to be bullsh*t.

We went out every weekend clubbing and 9 times out of ten she'd bring some bloke home with her for the night. Now IMHO if some girl had been *apparently* raped only a few months previous there is no chance she'd be able to sleep with a bloke for at least a year or two depending on the person (but defo not within a yr!). Some girls just love the attention and tbh you're ex girlfriend sounds exactly like she's full of sh*t. I'm sorry to say.

This ex-friend of mine used to also be on dating sites texting and meeting up with loads of different blokes behind her boyfriends back. :rolleyes:

Oryx

On the limited information you give here, I could take this two ways.

One, that your gf is an attention seeker who made up the whole story to gain your trust and sympathy. If this is the case then she is a genuinely ugly person and you are well shot of her. But you loved her for 3 years with no other mention here of difficulties so I dont know...

Another way to look at it is that it is true, she was abused. Now, I cant claim to know much about abuse, but I know it does damage that is so deep within a person its almost unconcious. Those who have been abused can feel worthless and can repeat the patterns of that abuse and self destruction throughout their lives. (wrecking a good relationship by cheap sex). Im not saying this is the case, I cant know, but its one possibility.

Or it could be that your ex's past is irrelevant to this, and she did what so many others have done; cheat and get caught.

I dont think you deserve any medals for staying with her once you heard her abuse history, that didnt change who she was, and tbh she never owed you anything for doing that. You were still in a relationship of equals. So dont even bring that into it, imo.

You feel youve wasted 3 years of your life with her. You didnt. It was an experience that you learned from. Relationships end all the time, though yeah, not always in quite such a sh!t way. But you dont stop going into them in case they waste your time, do you?

I hope you heal, I hope you get a better girl who loves you properly next time.

LegacyUser

Cheeky_gal wrote: »

OP, one of my best mates (no longer a mate of mine I can assure you!) confided in me telling me she had been raped. Tbh she's a major attention seeker and loves the attention of guys (she's incredibly good looking), anyways I went along with it and comforted her etc even though in my heart I beleived it to be bullsh*t.

We went out every weekend clubbing and 9 times out of ten she'd bring some bloke home with her for the night. Now IMHO if some girl had been *apparently* raped only a few months previous there is no chance she'd be able to sleep with a bloke for at least a year or two depending on the person (but defo not within a yr!). Some girls just love the attention and tbh you're ex girlfriend sounds exactly like she's full of sh*t. I'm sorry to say.

This ex-friend of mine used to also be on dating sites texting and meeting up with loads of different blokes behind her boyfriends back. :rolleyes:

where do you get your statistics? a year, two, that is so arbitrary. everybody reacts differently to something like that. i know i sought reassurance and self worth in all the wrong ways when it happened to me....

silkworm53

KahunaBurger87 wrote: »

I met this absolutley gorgeous girl 3 years ago in college, we hit it off straight away. Dated for like 3 months. She asked me out.

A few months later she told me she had something to tell me.
She said that she had been molested when she was 5 and raped when she was 16. She said I was the only person she had ever told. To say I felt bad was an understatement. I had never heard anything like this before. She said I was the only person she had had consensual sex with. I could not believe this because she was an absolutely gorgeous girl.

Anyway, it took me a while to deal with this. I got angry alot and cried a few times thinking of the pain she had been through. But after a while she told me that talking about it had helped her alot and she felt like she was worth something again. We were both madly in love.

Anyway things were rosie enough for a while, we had our fights.
People that were jealous I was with her, would tell her I had been ****ing differant girls behind her back. None of which was true. Anyway it turned out she didnt believe me. And last week I found her ****ing my best friend when he was drunk off his face on a dirty floor. I went ****in ballistic. I smashed a load of **** up, all I did to him was push him out of the house, how I didnt do more I will never know.

Anyway, I love her so much but now all I see is a filthy whore. The bond we had is definatly damaged beyond repair. But how sick is that? The girl tells me her dark horrible history and instead of run a million miles, I stayed with her and tried to comfort her. And loved her even more, because she confided in me.

Now I feel like a fool, to have ever cared for her pain, to have wasted my heart and soul and three years of my life on her. To have it all chewed up and spat in my face. How the hell do I deal with this? Im going out of my mind.

Hi OP

Sex is weird sometimes.
I suspect that she WAS raped and molested and as a result has lost all respect for herself.
I've read about people who were in concentration camps or were sexually abused in boarding schools or raped in prisons.
They were traumatized by what happened but in a bizarre way it sexually excited them and they wanted to relive the experience.
When a women is gang-raped or a straight man is anally raped it is sexually stimulating even though it is against their will.
The trauma and sex become one and the same.
Men who were raped or beaten as boys might grow up with an interest in bondage and feeling pain during sex.
Your girlfriend might have had sex with the drunken guy on a dirty floor because this is how she remembers sex - dirty, filthy, a drunken attacker and with her reduced to piece of meat.
In a strange way this might be the only way she enjoys sex.
She betrayed you because maybe she believes she is worthless, that she is a whore, that she can never be loved and that she needs to be a bad girl to scare you off forever.
She probably really loves you but does not believe you could ever love her or you can never know how dirty and filthy she thinks she is.
I think you need to help her - the relationship is obviously over of course and it would be unhealthy to continue it without damaging herself and yourself even more - but you need to help her to seek professional help of some kind because a person would not do this to someone she loves unless there is are serious issues she needs to talk to a professional about.

Wibbs

Oryx wrote: »

One, that your gf is an attention seeker who made up the whole story to gain your trust and sympathy. If this is the case then she is a genuinely ugly person and you are well shot of her.

+ 1. damned shabby of her if that's the case. Don't think much of the so called best mate either BTW. He wasn't looking for attention/abused etc.

But you loved her for 3 years with no other mention here of difficulties so I dont know...

Well it seems they had their fights over accusations of cheating by him and it also seems she didn't believe him. Now I dunno if the OP is assuming this because she ended up with his "best" mate, or this was a running theme in the relationship? If the latter, those kinda things will poison relationships if not dealt with, especially after the initial luurve stuff dies down. Though to be fair it's damned hard to deal with that if one party refuses to believe it.

Another way to look at it is that it is true, she was abused. Now, I cant claim to know much about abuse, but I know it does damage that is so deep within a person its almost unconcious. Those who have been abused can feel worthless and can repeat the patterns of that abuse and self destruction throughout their lives. (wrecking a good relationship by cheap sex). Im not saying this is the case, I cant know, but its one possibility.

I've personally seen that myself, particularly in the case of sexual abuse. Like you say the self worth goes out the window and sex is associated in an unhealthy way with attention and love. It could also be a little from column A and a little from column B. IE she's an attention seeking person, because of the abuse and the self destruction comes out that way? Or she's a muppet, who uses that excuse when a relationship starts to wane after the honeymoon period.

Or it could be that your ex's past is irrelevant to this, and she did what so many others have done; cheat and get caught.

TBH I'd be thinking that's the bulk of it. Relationship past the in love stage, transitioning into the real long term stage and her not feeling it as much. Very common around the 3 year period. Common too are the signs IME. More fights, less romance, less engagement with each other. The fights are the sounds of the relationship creaking and too often they're ignored(usually by guy), then the fights become an excuse to split, or in the weaker individuals, line another up/cheat. Her past may have informed how she went about this process, but the process itself may be standard operating procedure.

I dont think you deserve any medals for staying with her once you heard her abuse history, that didnt change who she was, and tbh she never owed you anything for doing that. You were still in a relationship of equals. So dont even bring that into it, imo.

While he shouldn't labour the point, he does deserve some kudos for sticking it out. A fair few wouldn't. A fair few might well think "oh oh, damaged goods/too much drama" and walk away. Not that unusual. It may not have changed who she was, but it could have changed the relationship and how he viewed her. Put it another way it's quite likely if another woman came into his life and told him similar he may well run a mile second time around(wrongly)

You feel youve wasted 3 years of your life with her. You didnt. It was an experience that you learned from. Relationships end all the time, though yeah, not always in quite such a sh!t way. But you dont stop going into them in case they waste your time, do you?

Very much so. This will change you and you will learn from it, but try to learn the right things. Don't get into the all too common mindset of "this is all women". Examine your side of the relationship and how you acted and what you may have missed. As for her? Personally I'd scrape her out of your life entirely. You don't need that level of toxic in your life moving forward. No contact at all. Ditto for your best mate. I don't care how drunk he was, that's zero excuse in my book.

Wibbs

silkworm53 wrote: »

Hi OP

Sex is weird sometimes.
I suspect that she WAS raped and molested and as a result has lost all respect for herself.
I've read about people who were in concentration camps or were sexually abused in boarding schools or raped in prisons.
They were traumatized by what happened but in a bizarre way it sexually excited them and they wanted to relive the experience.
When a women is gang-raped or a straight man is anally raped it is sexually stimulating even though it is against their will.
The trauma and sex become one and the same.
Men who were raped or beaten as boys might grow up with an interest in bondage and feeling pain during sex.
Your girlfriend might have had sex with the drunken guy on a dirty floor because this is how she remembers sex - dirty, filthy, a drunken attacker and with her reduced to piece of meat.
In a strange way this might be the only way she enjoys sex.
She betrayed you because maybe she believes she is worthless, that she is a whore, that she can never be loved and that she needs to be a bad girl to scare you off forever.
She probably really loves you but does not believe you could ever love her or you can never know how dirty and filthy she thinks she is.

I agree 100%. It's one of those vile crimes that keeps on damaging people long after the event. Though I would add the caveat(and I think you would agree) that it would be very wrong to assume just because someone is into bondage and the like that there's a suspicion of an unhealthy sexual past.

I think you need to help her - the relationship is obviously over of course and it would be unhealthy to continue it without damaging herself and yourself even more - but you need to help her to seek professional help of some kind because a person would not do this to someone she loves unless there is are serious issues she needs to talk to a professional about.

This I'm less in agreement with. OK she may need help, but IMHO and because he's the one here looking for advice, he doesn't need to have her in his life for his sake and his healing. If his "best mate" who slept with her wants to do this then fine, but the OP shouldn't. He's not her shrink, nor her family and since this incident she's made it pretty clear she's not his partner, I really don't see what responsibility she is to him. He wont get thanked for it IME. Maybe I'm callous that way, but in his position I might remember and mourn what I thought we had, but the ex herself would be effectively dead to me. Not my problem basically.

silkworm53

He wont get thanked for it IME.

The OP shouldn't do it for thanks. He should just try and help. She sounds like she needs help.

Elle Collins

silkworm53 wrote: »

They were traumatized by what happened but in a bizarre way it sexually excited them and they wanted to relive the experience...

When a women is gang-raped or a straight man is anally raped it is sexually stimulating even though it is against their will.

As an abuse victim I'd just like to record that these are two of the most insulting lines I've ever read. Silkworm, this may be the experience of some abuse victims but if you are saying this is the case generally you are as far from the mark as it is possible to be. I really think you ought to be careful about the generalisations you make re how victims experience their abuse as the ideas you've presented on it here have been deeply insulting to me, and had my abuse been very recent I know I would have found reading your words traumatising.

OP, I also think, as Oryx does, that you don't deserve any medals for having a relationship with an abuse victim. Your attitude here suggests that you think you've done her some sort of favour by having anything to do with her. That aside, you've had a horrible experience, and I am sorry to hear it. The truth is nobody here can tell you what drove your gf to do what she did and nobody here can tell you how much of the past she presented to you was fact or fiction - the only thing you can do is move on. Break-ups are terribly painful, no matter what the circumstances. I've never had a relationship that lasted less than five years and I can tell you from my own break-up experiences that it will get better over time, no matter how much it hurts right now. Best of luck to you.

Wibbs

silkworm53 wrote: »

The OP shouldn't do it for thanks. He should just try and help. She sounds like she needs help.

When I said he won't get thanked for it I meant in the wider sense. Rarely works out. Anyway personally speaking, I don't agree he should help her. He's not her shrink, nor social worker nor family. She broke their "contract" with her actions. He needs to look to himself first. If after that he wants to help, then grand. Like I said I may be callous on this front, but I will only extend help to strangers in acute danger or those who I care about and who demonstrate care for me.

TitoPuente

Elle Collins wrote: »

As an abuse victim I'd just like to record that these are two of the most insulting lines I've ever read.

I can't say I would profess to know what abuse victims do or don't find 'arousing' as a result of their abuse. Having said that, you have to be aware that being an 'unabused' partner of an abuse victom can be, in itself, a very traumatic experience. A lot of the time, the reverberating and projected abuse can have a significant impact on the innocent party.

OP - not all abused people punish or project. You were either unlucky or you were taken for a sucker. Either way, it appears you were with a damaged (or selfish) individual. Life is a learning experience. A lot of us go through horrific relationships where we're left wonder "What the f**k was THAT?" at the end of it all. The best thing to do now is see the wood from the trees, realise that it wasn't you, it was her... and move on.

Novella

Cheeky_gal wrote: »

OP, one of my best mates (no longer a mate of mine I can assure you!) confided in me telling me she had been raped. Tbh she's a major attention seeker and loves the attention of guys (she's incredibly good looking), anyways I went along with it and comforted her etc even though in my heart I beleived it to be bullsh*t.

We went out every weekend clubbing and 9 times out of ten she'd bring some bloke home with her for the night. Now IMHO if some girl had been *apparently* raped only a few months previous there is no chance she'd be able to sleep with a bloke for at least a year or two depending on the person (but defo not within a yr!). Some girls just love the attention and tbh you're ex girlfriend sounds exactly like she's full of sh*t. I'm sorry to say.

This ex-friend of mine used to also be on dating sites texting and meeting up with loads of different blokes behind her boyfriends back. :rolleyes:

Some girls do love attention, but you do not know the OP's ex so therefore you don't have the right to judge or claim that she sounds like she's "full of shit".

There is no time-frame as to when it's okay for a victim of rape or sexual assault to become sexually active again. "No chance" of a rape victim being able to have sex for a year or two at least, why? What magically happens after a year? Do you think a year goes by and then everything's fine? It's funny, many rape victims etc., actually have such low self worth and such a warped view of sex, that they'll sleep around and be careless, punish themselves and not cry for a year and feel better or whatever.

OP; whether she was or wasn't abused, I don't know but she cheated on you and what you need to figure out is if this is or isn't a deal-breaker for you.

Chinafoot

Cheeky_gal wrote: »

OP, one of my best mates (no longer a mate of mine I can assure you!) confided in me telling me she had been raped. Tbh she's a major attention seeker and loves the attention of guys (she's incredibly good looking), anyways I went along with it and comforted her etc even though in my heart I beleived it to be bullsh*t.

We went out every weekend clubbing and 9 times out of ten she'd bring some bloke home with her for the night. Now IMHO if some girl had been *apparently* raped only a few months previous there is no chance she'd be able to sleep with a bloke for at least a year or two depending on the person (but defo not within a yr!). Some girls just love the attention and tbh you're ex girlfriend sounds exactly like she's full of sh*t. I'm sorry to say.

This ex-friend of mine used to also be on dating sites texting and meeting up with loads of different blokes behind her boyfriends back. :rolleyes:

Wow. What a stunningly ignorant post. You have absolutely no clue how individuals react to situations like this. Some may recoil from a single touch from a man for years afterwards while others try to regain some sense of power or control by shagging anything that moves within a short space of time. Just because you think that they wouldn't touch a man for a least a year (loving the specific timeline by the way) doesn't make this an absolute fact now does it? My advice to you is that you shouldn't comment on things you clearly know absolutely nothing about.

OP, read and re-read Oryx's post here as he/she has hit the nail firmly on the head. And you absolutely do not deserve a medal for staying with her after she confided on you. From what you said, she simply told you what happened to her and said she felt better about the situation and herself. It doesn't appear that there was any impact on your relationship until this incident. You said she was being told that you had been sleeping with other people behind her back. If she is told this repeatedly by multiple sources then she may very well believe it, particularly if she has self-esteem issues as a result of the sexual abuse, and it could have played an enormous part in her actions.

Look, this girl clearly isn't ready for a relationship, both in terms of what happened to her (personally I believe she would benefit from talking to more than just one person) and in terms of how she reacts to thinking you are cheating. Its a horrible situation to be in but you have to try to move on from it.

Wibbs

Chinafoot wrote: »

Wow. What a stunningly ignorant post. You have absolutely no clue how individuals react to situations like this. Some may recoil from a single touch from a man for years afterwards while others try to regain some sense of power or control by shagging anything that moves within a short space of time. Just because you think that they wouldn't touch a man for a least a year (loving the specific timeline by the way) doesn't make this an absolute fact now does it? My advice to you is that you shouldn't comment on things you clearly know absolutely nothing about..

I agree. Though like you said, people do vary in their responses and maybe we're too quick to assume others may know nothing about this. They may, but from their own subjective experience. Pretty common that one.

And you absolutely do not deserve a medal for staying with her after she confided on you. From what you said, she simply told you what happened to her and said she felt better about the situation and herself. It doesn't appear that there was any impact on your relationship until this incident.

I suspect there may well have been. In any case while yes we shouldnt be handing out medals, he does deserve some credit for being there for her. Many wouldn't, thinking too much stuff to deal with. It's a pretty heavy deal to drop on someone. When you do you include them in that emotional framework for better or worse. Bugger all people are going to say "oh right so, that's nothing to do with me. Carry on". Not unless they're utterly emotionally detached. Expecting someone to carry on as normal is pretty self ego based. The OP has said this upset him and yes I do get that may have been about his ego as much as the revelation itself, but from his description(and I do get it's one sided) he stuck by her. And yes IMHO while medals are a stretch, that counts for something.

You said she was being told that you had been sleeping with other people behind her back. If she is told this repeatedly by multiple sources then she may very well believe it, particularly if she has self-esteem issues as a result of the sexual abuse, and it could have played an enormous part in her actions.

That sounds suspiciously like an excuse rather than an explanation. Frankly I don't buy it. OK I do if someone is that screwed up from their past and lord knows that can happen, but after 3 years of a relationship where there may have been mutual understanding? Then she cops off and gets busy with his "best mate"? Eh no. Just no. At best she's as balanced as a drunk one legged tap dancer. Regardless of the whys and wherefores, she is toxic for the OP and since he's the one asking what he should do, my take is walk away and keep walking.

Look, this girl clearly isn't ready for a relationship, both in terms of what happened to her (personally I believe she would benefit from talking to more than just one person) and in terms of how she reacts to thinking you are cheating. Its a horrible situation to be in but you have to try to move on from it.

Agreed. But don't be the one "helping" her. For your own headspace.

Chinafoot

Wibbs wrote: »

I agree. Though like you said, people do vary in their responses and maybe we're too quick to assume others may know nothing about this. They may, but from their own subjective experience. Pretty common that one.

Too quick to assume? Are you kidding me? She said there is no way someone who was raped would have sex again within a year. Thats a pretty definitive statement to make. You know what, I'm not entering into another discussion on this topic with you. I know you like to think you're an expert on anything with a pair of tits, but in this scenario your anecdotes about your mates don't real cut it in the authority-on-the-subject stakes.

OP, I hope you can move on from this and don't let this experience taint your views on women in general.

Cheeky_gal

Novella wrote: »

Some girls do love attention, but you do not know the OP's ex so therefore you don't have the right to judge or claim that she sounds like she's "full of shit".

Never judged and I think I have every right to voice my opinion and yes I do think she's full of sh*t thanks.

Chinafoot wrote: »

Too quick to assume? Are you kidding me? She said there is no way someone who was raped would have sex again within a year. Thats a pretty definitive statement to make. You know what, I'm not entering into another discussion on this topic with you. I know you like to think you're an expert on anything with a pair of tits, but in this scenario your anecdotes about your mates don't real cut it in the authority-on-the-subject stakes.

You've got some mouth. Wibbs may have an opinion, I may have an opinion, sure heck even you may have an opinion, and I respect yours, it'd be nice to think you shared the same respect in return.

And I said in my previous post "depending on the circumstances", now from my experience that's my outlook on this subject, pal

Wibbs

Chinafoot wrote: »

Too quick to assume? Are you kidding me? She said there is no way someone who was raped would have sex again within a year. Thats a pretty definitive statement to make. You know what, I'm not entering into another discussion on this topic with you. I know you like to think you're an expert on anything with a pair of tits, but in this scenario your anecdotes about your mates don't real cut it in the authority-on-the-subject stakes.

I simply meant that it was her subjective take on it and we don't know how subjective that is for her. I did not say I agreed with her(for the record I don't). Bit of a diff. In this short thread we've seen a couple of different takes on how such abuse may affect someone. Which would echo yours and Novellas take that you simply can't call it(which I agree with). As for anecdotes; I've gone through a rape with a very close friend, all the way to the court (which took far too long), where your man got off scot free. I watched her waste away to nothing and almost die from it and to this day her life has been destroyed by it and the subsequent fallout. I take it very seriously. Sod all to do with being an expert on anything with a pair of tits as you so eloquently put it.

OP, I hope you can move on from this and don't let this experience taint your views on women in general.

+1000

metrovelvet

Chinafoot wrote: »

Too quick to assume? Are you kidding me? She said there is no way someone who was raped would have sex again within a year. Thats a pretty definitive statement to make. You know what, I'm not entering into another discussion on this topic with you. I know you like to think you're an expert on anything with a pair of tits, but in this scenario your anecdotes about your mates don't real cut it in the authority-on-the-subject stakes.

OP, I hope you can move on from this and don't let this experience taint your views on women in general.

China is right about that. It can lead to promiscuity and revisiting the trauma.

Oryx

A reminder to everyone that we are here to help the op, not to quarrel with each other. So stick to the topic in hand and dont get sidetracked, thank you.

LighterGuy

Op,

Its a sad world that we live in but all this "abused" just might be all crap. Thats not to take away from the people who genuinely got abused - but there is alot of people out there who tell such lies and see nothing wrong with doing so.

I've seen girls tell mental amount of lies - best friend died, uncle touched me at 6, they're adopted - all of which i found out to be lies :rolleyes:


But part from that. your ex is a cheater and didnt care for you. That much is certain.

Novella

Cheeky_gal wrote: »

Never judged and I think I have every right to voice my opinion and yes I do think she's full of sh*t thanks.

Of course you have every right to voice your opinion, never once did I say you didn't. I said you couldn't say someone you do not know is lying. This is PI, the OP is here for advice. Coming in and telling him that his girlfriend is "full of shit" because you've decided that after a rape, no one could possibly have sex for a year or two is, no offence, downright ridiculous. You don't know the girl in question, unless I'm missing something here, so it's unfair to judge, which you did by the way, when you insinuated that she's lied about being abused because she has been sexually active since.

Think I'm dragging this off-topic now, so sorry about that, but I guess I do think it's important that the OP doesn't get too caught up in thinking that his ex is some kind of horrible person, or a liar or whatever when maybe she isn't at all. It's not for us to tar all people with the same brush.

Wibbs

Novella wrote: »

Think I'm dragging this off-topic now, so sorry about that, but I guess I do think it's important that the OP doesn't get too caught up in thinking that his ex is some kind of horrible person, or a liar or whatever when maybe she isn't at all. It's not for us to tar all people with the same brush.

+1. We may all have our subjective take on this and without knowing what's actually going on we can only rely on supposition. Maybe the best thing for the OP to do is look at the results. The relationship ended and it ended in a particularly harsh way for the OP. He has to deal with and process learn from that within himself. It wasn't a waste, because he felt the feelings when he was in love and they were real. And so are the feelings of confusion and betrayal. No amount of advice from others can add to or take away from that. Just please OP, try not to equate the ending with a negative view of relationships and especially a negative view of women.

LighterGuy

Novella wrote: »

Think I'm dragging this off-topic now, so sorry about that, but I guess I do think it's important that the OP doesn't get too caught up in thinking that his ex is some kind of horrible person, or a liar or whatever when maybe she isn't at all. It's not for us to tar all people with the same brush.

Im in the camp of thinking it was lies, but lets put that aside for a second. Fact is she cheated. I believe that when a relationship ends nasty (cheating, serious lies etc) that although a word such as "enemy" could be too harsh, they are definitely not your friend by hurting you.
But they do say in life, "you're either with me or against me" - "friend or foe".
If a person is nothing to you. Then they are in-between. Like a random person walking down the street. You dont know them. But when you date someone, be intimate with them. They are not nothing. So they are one or the other.

All I know is the definition of a "friend" can be classed as someone who wouldnt hurt you. An "enemy" would be tho.
So she should be dirt to the op.