Friend thinks I'm after his girlfriend

LegacyUser

Gone unregged for this, as a lot of posters would know me and the person involved.

Tonight I found out a friend of mine thinks I'm after his girlfriend. They have been going out for two-three months, but have known each other years. In fact, they were together years ago, and she cheated on him and broke his heart.

I have been with my own girlfriend for well over a year, and we live together, as of a month ago. I have been very close friends with this guy for about six years. He knows everything about me, and we even went on holidays together earlier this year! He's an active user of Boards as well, so I don't want to be too identifiable.

I have met his girlfriend once, on a night where me and my girlfriend, him and his girlfriend, and another couple all went out. Nice girl, bit of chat, nothing too mental. Few days later, I added her on Facebook. She had a chat with me a few days later, where she started the conversation while in college and I was working. Nothing major, bit of joking, cant even remember about what, it was that innocuous.

However, my friend then told me that she liked a certain type of car. The exact type of car I used to have. A car which he took the piss out of me for having for the length of time I owned it. Last week at work, I saw her online, and I asked her something to do with my work. It sounds suspicious, but its not, I was asking whether she and my friend would be able to help me out with something. (we'll say for this that it was a survey). I suggested meeting up that evening after work (both of them), but I forgot all about it during the day. For the craic though, I decided to tell her I used to have this type of car, just to get what I assumed would be a funny reaction. I didnt really get one, it wasn't really that big a deal.

However, my friend said he saw that conversation and thinks I was trying to impress her. He said that based on what he knew of me, I was definitely trying to hit on her. I apologised for possibly saying something that could be viewed as inappropriate, but that I didnt feel I'd done anything wrong. However, there was no convincing otherwise.

A point I raised with him, was that three years ago, I got with a girl that he liked, after she told me she liked me. However, this was after I asked him directly whether he would have a problem with me going near a girl he liked so much. If he had said he would be upset by it, I wouldn't have gone near her. Maybe this is making myself out to be a martyr, but I value the few friends I have (who I have had for years). But, three years later, I apparently am trying to steal his girlfriend, for what I would view as innocent comments. I have removed his girlfriend from my friends on Facebook, even though I don't think thats the problem. After all, I have never betrayed him, while his fecking girlfriend has.

What have I done wrong/what do I do?

merlie

Your friend is insecure for two reasons, his gf cheated on him and he may or may not fully trust her and secondly, yourself, he may think you are trying to hit on her and all because of something that happened a few years ago.

You have to be able to win back some trust with your friend and stir clear of this girl ( his gf ). You should point out to him that you do have a girlfriend who you love very much and that you are not interested in anyone else, but just that you have been friendly towards the girl but there was nothing more in it.

You have to realise that the guy has to be able to trust both of you. He most probably feels like you want to have your cake and eat it!

You must take a step back and give him a bit of space and let him cool down and take it from there.

pwd

Tell your friend he's being an utter spa.

Most people like it when their partners and their friends get on with each other.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Think it possibly a bit inappropriate adding her on facebook so soon, but maybe the situation warranted it, I don't know. I can completely see how he could jump to the conclusion he has from you messaging her about some car you used to own that you know she likes. Looks like you at least want her to like you.

pwd

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Think it possibly a bit inappropriate adding her on facebook so soon, but maybe the situation warranted it, I don't know. I can completely see how he could jump to the conclusion he has from you messaging her about some car you used to own that you know she likes. Looks like you at least want her to like you.

It's inclusive and friendly to add her on facebook.

The car sounds like it was a running joke which he was trying to bring her in on. That also sounds inclusive and friendly.

Or do you think she should be isolated because her bf is insecure and doesn't trust anyone.

The bf is an idiot. He should encourage them to be friendly to each other. If it leads to more than friendliness then he dumps her / stops being friends with him. Simple. If he doesn't trust her not to cheat then he shouldn't go out with her.

Bottle_of_Smoke

pwd wrote: »

It's inclusive and friendly to add her on facebook.

The car sounds like it was a running joke which he was trying to bring her in on. That also sounds inclusive and friendly.

Or do you think she should be isolated because her bf is insecure and doesn't trust anyone.

The bf is an idiot. He should encourage them to be friendly to each other. If it leads to more than friendliness then he dumps her / stops being friends with him. Simple. If he doesn't trust her not to cheat then he shouldn't go out with her.

IME it is better not to become unneccesarily friendly with a mates girlfriend. She's not being isolated she has her own mates.

So much stuff can go wrong, if the girlfriend develops a crush on the OP or even flirts with him it will probably lead to him falling out with his mate. I don't think the mates reaction here is anyway unusual. I just wouldn't add a mates girlfriend on facebook after meeting her once.

I wouldn't want to be close friends with a mates girlfriend because that changes the dynamic between me and my mate. And obviously the vast majority of relationships don't work out so creates awkward future scenarios.

pwd

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

IME it is better not to become unneccesarily friendly with a mates girlfriend. She's not being isolated she has her own mates.

So much stuff can go wrong, if the girlfriend develops a crush on the OP or even flirts with him it will probably lead to him falling out with his mate. I don't think the mates reaction here is anyway unusual. I just wouldn't add a mates girlfriend on facebook after meeting her once.

I wouldn't want to be close friends with a mates girlfriend because that changes the dynamic between me and my mate. And obviously the vast majority of relationships don't work out so creates awkward future scenarios.

I didn't say anything about being close friends with her. Big difference between making someone feel welcome and included, and in becoming close friends with them.

Bottle_of_Smoke

pwd wrote: »

I didn't say anything about being close friends with her. Big difference between making someone feel welcome and included, and in becoming close friends with them.

I think making someone feel welcome and included can be achieved by simply being a decent human being when you're actually around them. Exchanging phone numbers/adding on facebook is a step in a different direction.

I was only talking about ''close'' friends in the final paragraph. I just don't think its worthwhile being anything other than an aquaintance to a mates very recent girlfriend.

They're only together 2-3 months, maybe when there's a more solid commitment it is ok to add on facebook etc but it seems a bit out of line after meeting her once. Girlfriends of close mates/brothers I'd just stay well clear this early into it.

Elle Collins

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

IME it is better not to become unneccesarily friendly with a mates girlfriend.

+ 1

IMO it was inappropriate to add her on facebook straight off the bat like that. What you did was sussy looking and most people would think so if it was their own relationship, whether they'd be prepared to say so on here or not.

I agree with BottleofSmoke in that making a person feel included can be achieved by simply being decent towards them when you're actually around them and that calling/texting/facebook etc is attempting to form a link or a bond that may not be appreciated by all parties. It doesn't take a genuis to work this out or to respect peoples boundaries.

Sorry but you've really no right to be annoyed here as this situation was created by your (albeit unintentionally) inappropriate behaviour. All you can do is say there was nothing untoward intended and move on.

pwd

Elle Collins wrote: »

+ 1

IMO it was inappropriate to add her on facebook straight off the bat like that. What you did was sussy looking and most people would think so if it was their own relationship, whether they'd be prepared to say so on here or not.

Don't generalise. My gf has become fb friends with several of my male friends after meeting them once or twice. I didn't think it was sussy - I was pleased that they seemed to get on. My gf has similarly encouraged me to add female friends of hers. Nobody was trying to get off with anybody in any case.

If my gf and my friend wanted to get off with each other they could work away, as far as I'm concerned - I'd just dump both of them. If they wanted to get off with each other I wouldn't want them as my gf/friend.

The fact is that none of them do. They respect me enough not to consider such a thing. Similarly I respect them enough not to want to impose silly restrictions like an insecure 14 year old.

LeahK

Over reaction on your mates part..i reckon he's a little insecure and has probably created some time of scenario in his head. Maybe he feels a little threatened by you?

Adding a mates girlfriend on facebook and have a few friendly chats is not out of order or suspicious. What has the world come to when having an innocent conversation with a friend/aquaintance warrants that reaction!

Just tell him your sorry if he thought you were out of order, that it wont happen again.

Still very odd behaviour.

baby and crumble

I find it really weird that there are all these 'rules' about who your gf/bf can or can't be friends with? I'm delighted that my gf and best mates all get on great and go off and do stuff without me when I'm busy. Likewise, my gf is currently a long way away and I hang with her friends loads.

Seriously, if you have to play some sort of weird games with who you can and can't be friends with ON FACEBOOK (which isn't real, people. It's a website. Most people add people and never talk to them again!) then there's something really wrong with your relationships and trust issues within them.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Myself and my friend havent spoken since, and based on how stubborn he is, I can't see him doing so.

I have deleted her as a friend on FB, which he won't see, since he has already removed me. There is nothing more I can do, I have apologised for potentially saying something he may have picked up on wrong, but really, any wrong-doing he sees is in his head.

I am tucked up in bed playing Playstation, with my girlfriend asleep beside me...Why the hell would I want his girlfriend? I really hope he figures out his own insecurities soon.

Katgurl

Ok...

I don't think you did anything wrong op

but...

I think you could be a littleextra sensitive toward your friend. You mentioned he liked a girl in the past who subsequently fell for you? Perhaps he's feeling a little insecure. Just give him minimal chance to worry and let this one instance of unreasonable behaviour slide.

Bottle_of_Smoke

wouldntbetrayafriend wrote: »

OP here.

Myself and my friend havent spoken since, and based on how stubborn he is, I can't see him doing so.

I have deleted her as a friend on FB, which he won't see, since he has already removed me. There is nothing more I can do, I have apologised for potentially saying something he may have picked up on wrong, but really, any wrong-doing he sees is in his head.

I am tucked up in bed playing Playstation, with my girlfriend asleep beside me...Why the hell would I want his girlfriend? I really hope he figures out his own insecurities soon.

Well played. Was best thing to do.

I pointed out I thought you behaved a bit inappropriately but he has definitely overreacted