Girlfriend is American

LegacyUser

Hi,
I've a bit of a strange question about my girlfriend. So I've been living in America for about a year and I met a nice girl and have been seeing her all through the summer. She's a very beautiful girl and very sweet and I feel like a love her a load, but some stuff with her or her life.. I'm just not sure of. I just don't know if it is a culture difference of more.

I'll just like a few things lately in no particular order:
I find it very hard to relate to her friends. They are very different to my own friends or how people in Ireland act in general.They seem ultra conservative. Went for dinner with the lately and one girl had a huge long talk about how she wouldn't buy a coat she sort of likes because her boyfriend would disapprove because it had a zip running down the front for "fashion purposes". As if it was the most riske thing she had ever seen in her life.

Secondly, they are all married, like REALLY young. One couple got married a few weeks back, they are just so young and very naive people, they act like they don't know about the world yet but its ok because their love will guide them through, I'm sorry, its sweet but it's just not for me, I think you need to grow up and experience the world and life before you jump in to marriage. Another friend just got engaged in the last week, again a very nice girl but so young and naive, she acts like a school kid and so many other of her friends are married, have kids etc and we are talking all very early 20's. The reason I'm told is that "well, they had been dating for a year/two years so it was only logical". Again, maybe its a culture thing but in this day and age, dating for a year in your early 20's doesn't mean marriage right away. My girl says she doesn't want to marry that young but I can't help but feeling like, if I dated her for another year would she be expecting a ring? I'm 26, I feel like marriage is a log way off for both myself and any of my friends, in a relationship or not.

Other things are small things. Like their interests. They are just different I suppose but their bedtime is like 9.30. My girlfriend isn't that bad but it's still hard to get her to go out with me or out with my friends. She thinks that us going out at 10pm is so late and their perception is that we drink so much. It makes it difficult to take her out. With other girls I've dated, a simple date might be to go get a few drinks and talk away to our hearts content for the night but I can't do this with her. Going out for dinner? Waters all round and an early night.

I went to the first wedding a few weeks ago and it was a sober affair, no drinking at the wedding and it the reception ended at 8.50pm. Just so different from anything I've experienced before.

Similar in terms of going out, its like it is the culture NOT to dress up going out. One of the married girls dresses like he grandmother but she is 23. As we were on our way home last Saturday night (at 8pm) we passed some girls waiting for a train to go out that night. My girlfriends friends started whispering how slutty they looked and all that. I mean, these were 3 respectable looking girls wearing black dresses and heels and makeup going out for the night. I thought they were presenting themselves very well dressed, not at all slutty but its like as if heels, or a dress or a bit of makeup means it's not conservative enough and is slutty.
I often think, what it would be like to take her friends and drop them in Coppers on a Saturday night in Dublin, what would they think?

My girl isn't AS conservative but she is a bit. I think she makes the effort sometimes with me as she knows I like different things. Like last week I asked her if she'd come meet my friends in town, she doesn't often but she did and she showed up herself looking glamorous, wearing a beautiful new dress, hair and makeup done, I was so proud being with her. But she had friends visiting this weekend and it was like she couldn't dress frumpy-enough again around them.

Other small things are her "college friends". Again I find it so hard to see where they are coming from. They are like these super intellectuals but it all seems so forced and put on, like they are paying for college so need to act like obnoxious little artsy types, it's so false.

She also lives with a woman in her late 30's. She is a bit of a cat lady who always wants me to come by. Again, very nice woman, but I come over to see my girlfriend and am roped into playing hours of video games with the woman and sticking around to eat her strange cooking as she has nobody else to cook for and I feel so bad for turning that stuff down that I just avoid going over sometimes. Not to mention the smell of cat poop. But why is my 24 year old girlfriend sharing a house with an old cat lady? Shouldn't she live with people her own age?

I just don't know what to think. Don't think it's so one sided, shes a lovely girl with so many positive features but there are things I just can't relate to. I don't know if its a culture difference or its just her. I mean I don't want to stay in America forever and I sometimes imagine how she'd fair in Ireland and I feel like she'd be eaten alive but I just don't know.

metrovelvet

Where the hell are you? There are five Americas.

Nevyn

WE would assume that the OP is refering to the United States of America.

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

LegacyUser

You need to be more open minded. you are in her world now and you need to be respectful of that. like it or lump it. maybe she will be a better person for having dated you and her mind will open up more too, and maybe you will learn to be a bit more conservative, drink less and not expect women to always dress to impress. i think the benefits of an intercultural relationship are mutual but if one person is a bit more homesick than the other - it wont work out. it needs to be a compromise. if you are not prepared to compromise your irishness then maybe you should just date an irish girl. i've dated foreign girls, my current girlfriend included and i find that each time i am a bit more open minded to the way things work in her world and see myself as less irish and more international. at the same time it is my irishness that attracted her in the first place and vice versa. in some ways i emphasise my irishness to a false degree just to play into the fantasy, speaking irish, playing irish music to her - she loves it all. but i definitely drink less and treat women differently than i used to. you can't fault her for the world she lives in and it might annoy you to see her play into it but in your own time together you will be able to make that compromise. will you stay in the US?

LighterGuy

Sounds like your in Utah or something! :pac:

Normally I would say it doesnt matter what a person friends are - but if they are complete opposites to you/your views/culture etc. Then it does give off a sense that it could cause a rift down the line. As obviously your girlfriend has to be that type of person aswell to be friends with them. But at least your girlfriend is trying to meet you half way on things op. So thats nice

Im a 25 year old dublin guy and I have dated foreign girls. Never a big culture difference. Any in fact. Your girlfriends friends sound annoying I have to admit. So the ultimate question is whats going to give? ... she is obviously the same as her friends seeing as they are her friends. But she is open when around you. Now it seems to be balancing alright. But this could create problems. It could be a warning sign.

metrovelvet

Thaedydal wrote: »

WE would assume that the OP is refering to the United States of America.

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

OMG. I know that. You have to think of the US in terms of quadrants plus the midwest. He asked about cultural differences. No one can comment without knowing where he is in the US.

Not off topic, entirely germaine to the question.

AJG

I was almost going to ask 'what year are you in?'. I'd agree people would really need to know whereabouts in the states you are. The place is huge and is pretty diverse 'culturally'. Sounds conservative as hell wherever it is.

Cheap Thrills!

wow OP, well as nice as she might be she sounds a bit of a sheep really. She can't help where she comes from, but all the same it's troubling that she can't seem to think for herself and conforms so readily.

The friends sound like a bunch of miserable, dry sh!tes to be honest.

Have you tried discussing this with her (without sounding like you are putting her friends down) Tricky but if she has any capacity to think for herself you might be able to encourage her to develop a less repressed outlook....

Overheal

metrovelvet wrote: »

OMG. I know that. You have to think of the US in terms of quadrants plus the midwest. He asked about cultural differences. No one can comment without knowing where he is in the US.

Not off topic, entirely germaine to the question.

I knew what you meant, I found it funny

I'm going to rule out California, New York, Florida, the Carolinas, etc. or even just go to the stereotype: you know Angela from The Office? Yeah. Not David Brent's Office either.

I do want to make one thing clear however:

She thinks that us going out at 10pm is so late and their perception is that we drink so much

The Irish drink a lot. But it doesn't help that she's an ultra conservative, and probably descends from one of the original Plantation families. Maybe that's a stretch. But sober lifestyles are not uncommon here, either. Some people just never drink.

Even by cross-cultural standards, you've described someone - apart of the american landscape rather - that would not represent a norm. So it's not just an 'American' thing, I'm not surprised you're not relating. Early to mid-20 marriage is common though. I wouldn't obsess over it, just make your own position clear. I take it she hasn't been to Ireland yet? That seems like a logical next step if you want the relationship to progress.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Im here in the US too, 26f and am experiencing the exact same stuff as you in relation to my female friends and the general culture. Luckily I have lived here before so was expecting it but it was all a shock when I first came here.

Anyone who says that the things you are talking about are not the norm have obviously never LIVED in certain parts of the US. Living in NY on a J1 for the Summer or visiting relatives in Boston doesnt count.

The thing to do here is get married just after finishing college and it is quite common for couple younger than me to be married during Grad school and often may be in different states during this time. Totally different to Ireland, no one I know at home gets married before they have finished education and have some semblance of a settled life! Crazy in my mind but its so easy to get a divorce and is totally the norm. Thats why so many are single againa round 32..

The drinking water on nights out? Totally normal. Irish are alcoholics, simple as that! Luckily I have found an American friend who loves to booze but without her Id be depressed!! I went out for Halloween, there was 5 of us. Two people didnt even have a water in front of them for the whole night, I was scandalised.

LOL about the Coppers thing, I often think about that too! I couldnt care less at this stage, I just want to enjoy myself and I have a buddy to do it with. It sounds like you cant really let loose and be yourself around the GF and defo around her friends. They sounds boring as hell but sadly normal in many parts of the US.

I went to a wedding last year too, my first one. The couple were 22. There was a man of about 25 in a priests outfit, I thought it was a joke until I realised he was the actual priest...Very religious in certain parts. They do not get the idea that I am an A la Carte Catholic. SO i go to mass and believe in God yet I have sex before marriage and cuss like a sailor!

Many AMericans have no fashion sense, dress terribly dowdy indeed so again thats normal.

Think about it this way: you are young (in my eyes) to be getting married but to them you and your GF are not. So as the months and years pass all your close circle of friends will be all getting married and having kids. That means you will have less and less in common with them and end up being miserable. I work 2 fantastic girls my age, perfect friend material I though. Both married with 2 kids each. Nothing in common, I was so dissapointed No such thing as a casual after work drink or dinner as they always have to run home.

All in all I can say that I can fully empathise with you but its the norm and you might be able to change your GF but you wont be able to change the friends and you will still get disapproving looks from them if you drink (heaven forbid) 3 pints!!!

dan_d

OP, I've enough friends in the states to know that America markets itself as being a wonderful, forward-thinking, modern country, but it's home to some of the most conservative people in the world.

Irish people drink way too much, firstly. I mean, everyone here drinks. And as the years go by, most people find their limit - be it a few pints whatever. However Americans seem to either get completely trashed (their word), or don't drink at all. There's 2 extremes with them, there doesn't appear to be a middle ground, as with many things over there. But yes, Irish people drink way too much.

You must be in one of the more conservative parts of the US? But the marrying young thing is totally normal over there. Why do you think so many are divorced by the time they get to the age of 30? They got married to their high school sweetheart, aged 22. I think (this is just my opinion), it may be influenced by the fact that many of them don't go to college, they just get a high school diploma.They don't really have this culture of going on to college, getting another qualification and meeting a whole bunch of new people along the way. They get their diploma, leave school and go on to work in the town they grew up in. Added to the fact that many Americans don't travel much outside their home town/state......marrying young is quite normal there.

As for the clothes - again, it's back to extremes, one or the other. But many Americans don't have the best dress sense at all. You must be in a pretty conservative part of the states??

I don't know OP - you're kind of right in the sense that if you brought this girl back to Ireland (assuming she'd come here to live), she would be a fish out of water. Completely. So....it's kind of up to you...this behaviour is normal to her, in her world, but outside it, you might find this becomes too much for you.

Degringola

My daughter is in uni in California this year. They're all tucked up in bed by 10 pm on weeknights.

metrovelvet

American girls do not dress up for a night out the way Irish girls do. Even NYC they will look good but keep it casual so they don't look like they have something to prove. Nowadays even a trip to the opera is just above casual,meaning jeans, a nice shirt and maybe a string of pearls to spruce it up or more a tip of the hat to old formalities. If you overdress you look like an insecure noob. Honestly, when I would come over here in the summers and see Irish girls out in belly tops and high heels and fake tans, I did think they looked like a bunch of sluts with self esteem issues.

By American standards the Irish drink way way too much. And and most college students are not out partying during the week. Why would you be when you are paying 30k a year and could get kicked out of class if you miss it.

I cant comment on the marrying early part as this does not happen in the part of the US I know.

One of the hardest things about living in a different culture is getting to know the subtelty of codes and what is considered eccentric and what isn't. All you can do as a foreigner is figure out what you can negotiate and what you can live with.

Beruthiel

sammywoa wrote: »

I mean I don't want to stay in America forever and I sometimes imagine how she'd fair in Ireland and I feel like she'd be eaten alive but I just don't know.

Find out.
If you intend to stay longterm with this girl, you need to know if she would like it here. I'm betting she won't.
Perhaps a neutral country?
Either way, you won't be happy living surrounded by such boring people. You'll die slowly inside.
You need to come up with a compromise.

prinz

My wife is foreign and I can relate to a lot of the differences you mention (not American but would be from a culture very similar to what you described). It doesn't make people better or worse, or more interesting or less. Just different. Embrace it or don't. Either way you seem to be toying with the idea that you could shape this girl into the girl you want her to be, rather than who she is...(getting her to dress up for you etc) and that's not going to end well.

sammywoa wrote: »

I thought they were presenting themselves very well dressed, not at all slutty but its like as if heels, or a dress or a bit of makeup means it's not conservative enough and is slutty.
I often think, what it would be like to take her friends and drop them in Coppers on a Saturday night in Dublin, what would they think?

Not at all slutty to you, but it could be to them. It's a cultural difference.

sammywoa wrote: »

...ther small things are her "college friends". Again I find it so hard to see where they are coming from. They are like these super intellectuals but it all seems so forced and put on, like they are paying for college so need to act like obnoxious little artsy types, it's so false.

I can very much relate to this one. It could be that it's not forced or put on at all. Here in Ireland we have a stereotype college student of the drinking partygoer, and anyone who deviates from this can be viewed suspiciously, especially anyone who is actually indulging in intellectual pursuits. My wife's friends from college would have no problem sitting down with a coffee and cake to discuss politics, literature, life in general in a very serious mature way, whereas back in uni in Ireland myself and friends spent time thinking up drinking games. Different culture.

sammywoa wrote: »

But why is my 24 year old girlfriend sharing a house with an old cat lady? Shouldn't she live with people her own age?

Perhaps they get on well and your girlfriend likes living there? Don't see the issue with this one tbh, when I was house sharing my best share was with a guy a lot older than me, worked out great for the two of us tbh.

sammywoa wrote: »

I just don't know what to think. Don't think it's so one sided, shes a lovely girl with so many positive features but there are things I just can't relate to. I don't know if its a culture difference or its just her. I mean I don't want to stay in America forever and I sometimes imagine how she'd fair in Ireland and I feel like she'd be eaten alive but I just don't know.

Cultural differences. They happen. I think it's deeply unfair of a couple of posters writing the girl and her friends off as 'boring', stupid consensus that the Irish are the most fun-loving interesting people everrrrrrr.... because of a hell-hole like Coppers :rolleyes: We're like so interesting because we drink too much, make fools of ourselves and revel in immaturity.

ongarboy

It's possible that there is an American living in Ireland writing on a US based Personal Issues bulletin board like Boards.ie right now about how he or she is dating an Irish guy or girl in Ireland and how they find our cultural norms so alien, different, odd or even weird to what they are used to.

Each culture is different and you may need to make the decision as to whether you want to continue to date someone who is very different to you or someone who is similiar to you. Some Irish people embrace the difference that dating someone of another nationality offers while others avoid it. You need to decide which camp you are in.

On a slight tangent, I've been to the US about 20 times in the last 20 years or so and lived there for intermittent periods and while it is one of my favourite places in the world, one thing that amazes me about this massive country of 300 million people is how homogenous and similar most poeple are. Everyone seems to share near identical aspirations, ideals and lifestyles. Even immigrants who recently settle in the country seem to want to conform to the common denominator. The only exceptions are San Francisco, Manhattan and maybe some parts of L.A. These are the only areas I see any real diversity. When I am in any suburb in any city in any state, there is an identical sameness about the people, the surroundings and I observe many of the traits that OP highlighted. I'm not saying these are negative things but I was just intrigued by the similarities of people and ways of life in suburbs/states that are 1000s of miles apart