A bit of a mess...

LegacyUser

Ok.
I'm a first year in college.

A girl who lives fairly close to me [in college] broke up with her boyfriend of more than 2 years fairly recently. We didn't know each other before college, we got on really well and I was disappointed when I first found out she had a boyfriend, but it didn't put me off hanging around with her etc.

So after they broke up, I was basically her shoulder to cry on. I didn't mind at all, in fact I was glad to be of help to her and talk her through it a little bit. Even if I didn't like her at all I'd still have been there for her, it's not a nice thing to go through on your own and I know that through personal experience.

But as this went on I kept thinking "I'm not helping myself at all here". I'll try and explain why in a second. I ignored that thought and carried on just trying to help her and be there for her however I could. She seems to have steadied herself a little now, but going by some things she told me about herself that's probably just a front and she still feels like crap. Her confidence definitely took a major hit when they broke up. I'm always asking her how she is and she says she's ok, but I'm not convinced.
But I don't want to keep asking her, apparently me asking my ex if she was ok when I thought something was wrong annoyed the crap out of her.


Now about that thought:

I really like the girl. She's really friendly, we seem to just gel whenever we're together. she has almost the exact same taste in music and films and stuff as me, she's also really musically talented, she's smart, she's funny, she's gorgeous, I could go on.

I'm fairly sure she has realised I like her, and I'm pretty sure she likes me too. It might just be some rebound thing going on in her head, I don't know. I didn't go for it or anything, I just think she knows by the way I am around her sometimes. Can't pull my eyes away from hers etc.

That thought came to mind because now if I ever tried to make a move, it will just seem like I was only there for her to get 'in' with her, so to speak, and I'll just look like an asshole. I'd hate for her to think I was only there because I wanted something back from her, which is probably how it would seem.

Now that you have some background info, I have questions.

How long should I wait before going for it with this girl, if I do? By that I mean time between the break-up and me making a move?

If I do go for it, how would I do it without seeming like a scheming c*nt? Should I just say it outright or what?

Thanks for reading.

LighterGuy

Hmmmm, tricky situation.
You are right that if you chance it on anytime soon you will be seen as just "helping" her to get with her. Even if you say that isnt your intentions it'll still be seen as. Thats if she rejects the advances of course. But lets be honest, it is your intentions (hey you do fancy her )

But shes in an emotional state. Sadly she will use you to become whole again. Which will put you in the friend zone.

To be quite honest, ask yourself what you want. Dating her will be in the lower chances of happening seeing as the position you are in. Hooking up with her might happen but even then that'll be getting-over-someone-sex. Yeah sure you could play friend for a while but as two people be friends it lowers the chances big time of the two ever hooking up.
So just ask yourself what you want op

Overheal

Red Flags all over this. You're almost surely projecting your desires onto her and it's coming back as green lights to you. You think that "you're pretty sure" that she likes you, in an intimate way. And you probably fantasize about this girl, and it's just red flag after red flag.

Two things are most likely to happen. She will either reject your advance, you will be completely gutted, and you'll get the whole "Let's be friends". Or, she'll be vulnerable enough to go for it, in which case it will likely fall apart within days or weeks once she's recovered from her vulnerable state and begins thinking that it was a mistake. If she was into you, something would have happened by now. If she was looking for more than a shoulder to cry on, even some rebound action, she would have gone for it.

Don't put youself in that situation. The only "best" outcome for you here is you become a rebound, and even that seems unlikely. Even if it did, you'd end up becoming your own emotional turmoil by the aftermath. You're a good friend that she can confide in. There's nothing wrong with that and it shouldn't feel like Second Place but invariably it does because you'll find yourself longing for something more than whats there. You need to stop pining away at her. Go find someone else that you can be in a romantic relationship with.

Ask yourself this: what was your relationship with her like when she had a boyfriend? Now what is it like when you know she is vulnerable? Things are always far more tempting when we think that we have a better chance of getting them. I think you know there's not something right here. You see some of these warning signs. You even worry that you might be a little to conniving about all this. But you're trying to ignore the signals because you want so badly what's right in front of you.

My blunt opinion?

She seems to have steadied herself a little now, but going by some things she told me about herself that's probably just a front and she still feels like crap. Her confidence definitely took a major hit when they broke up. I'm always asking her how she is and she says she's ok, but I'm not convinced.

It takes a very good friend to know these things. And a heartless, horny scumbag to take advantage of it. It's Trust. Don't be the scumbag.

LegacyUser

I knew someone would post something like this... I read through PI sometimes, and there are some people on this forum who have such negative views on relationships that I find it hard to take them seriously.

By pretty sure, I mean I am sure she likes me, I just don't want to sound cocky about it, which would probably lead to all sorts of crap.
She has made that clear, and did even before she broke up with the boyfriend. Obviously I didn't do anything then because I'm not the kind to break up a relationship and I know she wouldn't have stood for that either.

I actually don't fantasise about her that much. I think about her a lot, yes, but not really like that.

The reasons she didn't go for anything during that time were because I told her I didn't think she should do anything hasty, to hint at her to hold off, and also because as I said she took a major confidence hit and had a fear of rejection even before they broke up, so now it is exacerbated tenfold. She has said outright to me that a guy would have to make the first move with her if anything were to happen.

What is the 4th paragraph supposed to mean? Of course things are more tempting now, she's single now, she wasn't then. Nothing to do with vulnerability. I think you have misunderstood my post a little. I'm not talking about taking advantage of the girl, I'd never stoop to that. I'm talking about it appearing that way.


I am not here asking people whether they think she likes me, there's no real way of telling that unless you are physically there. Similarly, I'm not asking if you think a relationship would work, I am willing to find out myself.

I'm asking the 2 question at the bottom of the OP.

1. How long is a suitable getting-over-it period before someone makes a move?
2. How can I do so without seeming like I only supported her for something in return?

LegacyUser

Hey there!

In answer to your question about what would be considered a suitable time period, it's hard to say as it really varies from person to person but I'd say it's something you can most likely judge yourself from her behavior. There really is no defined getting over it period so it's really something you'll have to judge yourself.
I wouldn't worry too much about it appearing as though you were only there for her for one thing, I mean you were her friend then and you supported her when she needed you. You say that you are pretty sure that she likes you and you obviously like her too. My advice would be to go for it! Especially as you mentioned that she likes for the guy to make the first move. Some of the best relationships develop from friendships! If you don't you'll always wonder what could have been!

Best of luck!

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I agree, the previous posts were a little harsh.

How long? ppl say it takes half the length of the relationship to be over them...a year is quite some time to wait, but generally I'd give her AT LEAST 6-8mths to recover and to be sure you're not a rebound. Either way, you can't really be sure you won't be the rebound guy if you're the first to be with her straight after the break up which is not a position to put yourself in.

It mightn't suit you but maybe let her go on a few dates with other guys, let them be the rebound? that said, I know a couple who got together when she split with her ex and are happily living together 3 years later. I wuld imagine there were issues though at the start with the girl still grieving, him unsure of the relationship...the usual stuff.

As for how do u not look like a jerk by going for it? I think if ur aware of it, and don't want to be that person, that's a good indicator that you won't be. Give her lots of time to really heal before allowing anything to happen. She might turn to you for physical comfort, turn her down, ur the stronger and more stable one right now so be a gentleman about it and let her know that whilst ur there for her and want something with her, it'll onyl be when she's ready. You'll probably know when that is.

Best of luck, ppl start relationships under all sorts of circumstances, just be honest with yourself and her about your intentions, give her some time to recover and when she's not confused and hurt, see what happens.

Overheal

-Mr. E- wrote: »

1. How long is a suitable getting-over-it period before someone makes a move?

When you no longer feel that she's putting on a front.

2. How can I do so without seeming like I only supported her for something in return?

If you aren't doing it only for something in return, than there's nothing to worry about here. Dates aren't out of the question. Go shopping (Christmas is coming up), get dinner/lunch or something. etc. nothing that necessarily implies romanticism - I wouldn't spend a whole lot of time overthinking it. People act strange when they over-think things. Spend time together, enjoy eachother's company, basically.

IrishEyes19

I don't think people are being generally negative, OP, its just a lot of girls when they break up with someone and aren't over it, tend to cry on shoulders, because the need to talk about it over and over again is a way of healing for some people. And I think what people are trying to say here is, that she may not feel the same and it could ruin your friendship with her, which would be devestating for you, by the sounds of it.

I mean if you really want to try it with her, I guess theres no harm in it, but I suppose just be prepared for her to be a little shocked or unsure, theres also the danger if her ex re-appears that she could go back to him, especially if its so soon after her breaking up, it tends to happen.

But no one can tell you what to do either, if you feel the spark is there and mutual, go for it. Only her feelings will be very all over the place Id imagine after a break up, sometimes you dont know what you feel is true when a relationship ends and often you try to replace and fill that void a little too quickly.

LighterGuy

-Mr. E- wrote: »

1. How long is a suitable getting-over-it period before someone makes a move?
2. How can I do so without seeming like I only supported her for something in return?

1, Varies from guy to guy. I've seen some guys try it on the day after a girl broke up with her ex :rolleyes: That makes them slimeballs we know. But some guys will wait a week, others could wait a month. All depends on the guy.

2, No one can answer that sadly. You could try it on with her and for her to welcome your advances. Or she could turn around say no and feel you were only trying to get with her. No one knows how she will react op.

My two cents is that if you like her, chance it on. If she gets offended? so what. If you loose a friendship? again so what All this "helping someone get over an ex" is boll*x. People often use those around them to become whole again. Especially better if its a person of the opposite sex. You could take the gent route and give it a while before declaring you wouldnt mind more than friendship. Then for her to get offended and you tossed aside.