ConfusedAboutEx

LegacyUser

ok so a wee bit of background. myself and my ex have a child together but split up when he was still a baby. He's a good dad and see's my son all the time. but recently i have started having feelings for him again. i tried to ignore the feelings as i dont know if i want to go back there

He ended up staying in my house one night last week... we kissed... nothing else... now he wants to give us another go

now im so confused. i dont know if it happened because im lonely or because i really do have feelings for him again. We havent really had a chance to talk about what happened but i dont think either of us expected it and he said he had no regrets about it.

we didnt split up on the best of terms and it has taken us a few years to get the friendship back now im afraid im falling for him all over again and although i know for my sons sake it would be the ideal situation but im afraid of what people will say and what will happen or if it will even work out this time round. i guess im afraid of being hurt again

How would we even begin a relationship again without jumping in feet first?

metrovelvet

How old is your child now? The last thing you want is the child to get confused. Tread carefully. Dont do anything or not do anything because of what people will say. I think its natural to be confused in this context. It might be old feelings, maybe they are renewed, maybe its the dream of the family, or maybe its renewal forgiveness and the beginning of a new chance for all of you. Take your time with your feelings and yourself.

LegacyUser

metrovelvet wrote: »

How old is your child now? The last thing you want is the child to get confused. Tread carefully. Dont do anything or not do anything because of what people will say. I think its natural to be confused in this context. It might be old feelings, maybe they are renewed, maybe its the dream of the family, or maybe its renewal forgiveness and the beginning of a new chance for all of you. Take your time with your feelings and yourself.

hes 4 now (were apart 2.5 years) so hes at such a crucial age that i dont want him getting confused either.

ive gotten so used to my own space though and my new life and what i dont want is him coming along and thinking things can just go back to the way they were. im a different person now, ive moved away from family and had to make new friends and im really enjoying things as they are. we live a few hours away from each other right now

i also remember why i left in the first place - like there was a reason it wasnt just that i stopped loving him.

thinking about just kinda 'dating' him like every second weekend? and not committing to anything with him but making sure he knows thats what it is? Is it a good idea or is it kinda leading him on a bit? in case i wake up one morning and realise that i dont actually feel the same anymore and at the same time i dont want hurting him either or myself!

merlie

Hi op,

I understand your dilemma. You have been hurt before and feel rather at a bit of crossroads and don't know which road to take. You don't want to be hurt again. Being in a relationship means being vulnerable all over again and being open to the possibility of being hurt again.

He said he wants to try and you have been thinking about it. The best way to go with this, is start by being friends with one another, and not rush back into the relationship. There are issues that need clearing up and you cannot put yourself out there so to speak until your worries have been laid to rest. You obviously do not feel the time is right for you as you wouldn't be asking the question of going in or not.

I know a part of you wants to go ahead as it would be nice but on the other hand, you have those past issues that need clearing and you will NEED to talk about these things and know where your at, before going back into a relationship. Just speak with him and see what he has to say and go from that. Tell him how you have been feeling but also that you are a little unsure at the moment and if he wants to hold on till you are ready and you and him talk more. Just take it one step at a time in other words, baby steps.

Communication is the key.

Good luck

LegacyUser

merlie wrote: »

Hi op,

I understand your dilemma. You have been hurt before and feel rather at a bit of crossroads and don't know which road to take. You don't want to be hurt again. Being in a relationship means being vulnerable all over again and being open to the possibility of being hurt again.

He said he wants to try and you have been thinking about it. The best way to go with this, is start by being friends with one another, and not rush back into the relationship. There are issues that need clearing up and you cannot put yourself out there so to speak until your worries have been laid to rest. You obviously do not feel the time is right for you as you wouldn't be asking the question of going in or not.

I know a part of you wants to go ahead as it would be nice but on the other hand, you have those past issues that need clearing and you will NEED to talk about these things and know where your at, before going back into a relationship. Just speak with him and see what he has to say and go from that. Tell him how you have been feeling but also that you are a little unsure at the moment and if he wants to hold on till you are ready and you and him talk more. Just take it one step at a time in other words, baby steps.

Communication is the key.

Good luck

Hit the nail on the head here!! thats exactly what im feeling!

will so take ur advise as was thinking something along the same lines myself - thinking of 'dating' him for AGES to be sure to be sure!!

I am a friend

Ahhhh I think its very romantic but you are right to be practical. Slowly and small steps and see how you feel. Best of luck to you.

diverdad

SoConfused... wrote: »

hes 4 now (were apart 2.5 years) so hes at such a crucial age that i dont want him getting confused either.

ive gotten so used to my own space though and my new life and what i dont want is him coming along and thinking things can just go back to the way they were. im a different person now, ive moved away from family and had to make new friends and im really enjoying things as they are. we live a few hours away from each other right now

i also remember why i left in the first place - like there was a reason it wasnt just that i stopped loving him.

thinking about just kinda 'dating' him like every second weekend? and not committing to anything with him but making sure he knows thats what it is? Is it a good idea or is it kinda leading him on a bit? in case i wake up one morning and realise that i dont actually feel the same anymore and at the same time i dont want hurting him either or myself!

You seem to feel you have grown, matured and even bloomed without your ex.
Can the same be said of your ex? Is he a different person now? The reason for the inital breakup is known to yourself but could it happen again or have you both gone past that stage?

You are thinking of treating this as a dating experience. Meeting a guy for the first time and getting to know each other.
If you've changed as much as you said in your own posting then that is the way you should move forward as you are now different people.
Baby steps as someone on here said.
There is a sexual history there and it would be easy to go back there. Treat the whole experience as you would a new bf, a tumble in the sheets could confuse you even more. Your ex (like any new bf) should respect you for it.

LegacyUser

diverdad wrote: »

You seem to feel you have grown, matured and even bloomed without your ex.
Can the same be said of your ex? Is he a different person now? The reason for the inital breakup is known to yourself but could it happen again or have you both gone past that stage?

There is a sexual history there and it would be easy to go back there. Treat the whole experience as you would a new bf, a tumble in the sheets could confuse you even more. Your ex (like any new bf) should respect you for it.

Thanks for the replies! has my ex changed as much i have? I think he has changed but not as much as i have. I think ex has changed somewhat in that he no longer lives at home so now sees how much it takes to run a house etc and all that goes along with that... something he never really made much heed to when we were together.

Could the reason we split up happen again? possibly...

but saying that if we started right back at the whole dating part then it will give me a good perspective of how things might pan out as we kinda missed out on the 'wooing' part of being together last time! it was a very whirlwindy thing and we were living together in a matter of a few months. so this time round if he really wants this hes gonna have to work damn hard for it!!

ya the sexual history will be a hard one (ahem!!) as we live so far apart it will come to sharing a bed no matter what town were in. but i have good enough will power providing theres not too much beer on board! will be interesting to see how long he'll keep his hands to himself when we do have to share a bed!! note to self *invest in granny pj's lol

The only other thing that i know and he doesnt as of yet is that i have no intention of ever moving back to my home town. really dont know how thats going to go down as he has other ties there and if this is what he choses eventually hes going to have to make a really hard decision... me or home. dont worry it'll not be an ultimatum but it is something that hes going to have to think long and hard about as unless some really amazing prospect jobwise comes up in my home town.... i wont be there!

Anyways hes coming up tonight for 'the chat' will let ye know how it goes!